Tarvaris Jackson, Who Art Thou?

On Sunday morning, I found myself searching the waiver wire for quarterback alternatives. Given our 2-QB league, the options were rather limited. Joe Flacco, facing the Steelers defense, didn't make me feel comfortable. Names like Orlovsky and Fitzpatrick don't provide a winning feeling. Bernard Madoff might've been a better answer. Finally I got to the last name on the list — Tarvaris Jackson. Everyone remembers Jackson, the second round pick with the lightning quick feet and the arm of John Elway. So: Flacco or Jackson? McDonalds or Burger King? Coke or Pepsi? The answer wasn't so clear.

I decided to go with Joe Flacco. Dance with the one who brought you, right? I still haven't figured out how the University of Pittsburgh chose Tyler Palko over Flacco as their starter. Dave Wannstedt isn't exactly Ray Handley, but that decision looks pretty bad. Now I'm the one who seems like the ass-bag.

Arizona hasn't stopped the pass all year, but passing isn’t Minnesota's game. Peterson has been his usual dominant self, so Childress was going to feed the beast and not let Tarvaris lose the game. With the potent Arizona offense, the idea was clear — control the clock, control the game. The last thing you need is Warner throwing a few early TDs against your incompetent secondary, leading to a shootout.

At about 4:25 p.m., everything stopped making sense. Jackson hit Berrian down the right sideline for a long TD. Flacco went 3 and out. Jackson found Rice for a short score. Jackson threw to Chester Taylor for his third score. Baltimore had 6 points at halftime. I thought I was in an alcohol-induced dream world until I realized I was still too hung over from the night before to get past the quarter point of my Bud Light. I could say the icing on the cake was the double move that Bobby Wade unleashed on his way to six points, but that wasn't the case. It was Flacco's Hail Mary interception as time wound down. I knew it was coming, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.

I’m down three points to the Slow Eater entering Monday night. It's my Jamal Lewis against his Eagles defense and obviously I’m not feeling too rosy about my chances. With Ken Dorsey lined up behind center, my championship hopes seem dead and buried. One can only hope Dorsey has a little Tarvaris Jackson in him. That's the only lifeline I have left.

- Michael J. Cox

Who Else Do People Hate?

I need to watch my words because many people read this site. That said, I got my ass handed to me by Marble Ryan this week. You can say it's because of what happened on the field, but I beg to differ. We all know where I stand on karma and it reared its ugly head again. I'll throw a big fuck you out to karma and the reasoning Wo Ai Beijing looks on its way to a title. I’ve basked in the benefits, but that doesn't mean I have to be happy about this year’s results.

- Mr. T

Fuck Reggie Bush. Keep trying to juke everyone on the field when you could burn past them. Maybe if you didn’t keep trying to cut every other step your knee would still be in one piece.

- Matt C., New York, NY
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The Post In Which I Turn the Blame to Where It Truly Belongs

Well, fantasy brethren, it appears as if my 2008 season has finally come to a close. Though I racked up 148 points (yes, I had Westbrook in the lineup this week) in a convincing win over the league’s first place team, the Chefs 2.0, I failed to get the help I needed to make the playoffs. A win by Mr. T’s A-Team over Marble Ryan’s Wo Ai Beijing sealed my fate.

As we’ve detailed in this space before, it’s been a tough year for the KL Crew. But there have been times when the picture was much rosier. On Oct. 22, I was 5-1-1, and in his midseason review, Mr. T gave me 4-1 odds to win the championship. From there, the wheels fell off. The Crew stumbled to a 2-5 finish.

Now, it would be one thing if I’d just totally wrecked my draft and had a terrible team from the start, or if I’d just been one of those hard-luck teams that always seems to play the week’s high scorer. My schedule was tough, sure, and I did have some bad luck — ahem, Plaxico Burress — but it wasn’t the problem.

No, my friends: I was the problem. To quote Herm Edwards — and, really, there are only a few moments in life that can’t be explained with a Herm Edwards quote — “I did a bad job. I did a bad job preparing this football team. Terrible job! I DID A BAD JOB!!!”

Looking back, it’s easy to see where things went wrong.

1) I failed to trade Ronnie Brown after his 5-TD explosion against the Patriots in Week 3, deciding that with Ryan Grant’s hamstring, Chris Johnson’s timeshare, and Westbrook’s durability issues, I’d be better served by having depth.

2) I failed to adjust my roster for my Week 9 game against Cousin Bowser, leaving Jake Delhomme in as a starter even though the Panthers were on the bye. If I’d started my backup, Gus Frerotte, I would’ve won by 1 point.

3) Sitting on the couch with a laptop on Thanksgiving, I came across this piece by Stephania Bell and decide to bench Brian Westbrook for the Eagles’ Thursday night game against the Cardinals. If I’d started him, I would’ve won. Fuck you, Starphania.

But it’s all over now, for good this time, and I feel relieved. This Sunday, I’ll be able to watch the games for their pure entertainment value and not have to worry about how my team is performing. I’ll be able to watch every Jay Cutler deep ball and not have to worry that Eddie Royal, and not Brandon Marshall, will be on the end of it. I won’t have to worry about which kicker to pick up off of waivers or who my opponent has in the Monday night game. Best of all, I’ll no longer have to root for Matt Cassel.

So that’s it for my team and, for the year, this column. Don’t feel bad for me, for I am going to a better place – one where I can enjoy football as it is meant to be enjoyed. I’ll also be drunk off my ass to numb myself from the pain.

Until next year.
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At Last, Brian Westbrook, Our Journey Has Come to an End

Our relationship, to say the least, has been rocky, Brian Westbrook, but it has now tragically, mercifully come to an end. Thanks to you, Westbrook, my fantasy season is now over.

While sitting on the couch this Thanksgiving, I began to reflect on all of the players on my fantasy team that I was thankful for (here's looking at you, Chris Johnson). But as nice an experience as that was, I couldn't help but come back to the one who'd disappointed me the most, the shifty running back from Villanova who has carried countless fantasy teams to glory in the past. Why couldn't you do the same for me, Westbrook? I just didn't get it.

So, deciding that I'd had enough of all the 14-carry, 28-yard games you've been putting up recently, I decided to sit you on the bench in favor of Ronnie Brown. And what did you do to me in return?

You fucking burned me, that's what. To the tune of 130 total yards and 4 TDs. Thirty-seven fantasy points, totally unrealized. Playoff chances? Caput. Emotional instability? High. Ridicule from fellow league members? Incessant.

I can't help but think that all along, this was how it was meant to end. I've lost countless games by starting you in weeks when I should've sat you, so it's only fitting that I should cede a playoff birth in the week when I sat you instead of starting you.

In a way, I'm glad it's all come to an end. It hasn't been an easy season for my team, the KL Crew. Though I put together one of the most talented, deep rosters in the league, my team seemed forever incapable of fulfilling its potential. From Ryan Grant's early struggles to the total debacle that was the 2008 Jeremy Shockey fantasy season, to watching Ronnie Brown wave at me from my bench after scoring 5 TDs against the Patriots to Plaxico Burress's frustrating lack of production (and recent decision to discharge a firearm into one of his major appendages), to, finally, this, it's been a long, hard road for my star-crossed bunch. But now it's over, and I can move on.

Just kidding. I effing hate you, Westbrook! I'll never forgive you for this!

Who Else Do People Hate?

A big FU to Peyton Manning. You couldn’t throw at least one touchdown pass? You’re always good for that. Yet on a day when I score 120 with MoJo going on MNF, you couldn’t get me within striking distance of my opponent, who had Rodgers, Driver, Chris and Larry Johnson, not to mention Jason Witten. That left him with a whopping 160 in a PPR league. Like the room service lady says in your new Mastercard commercial, take a hike.

- Charles C. New York, NY
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That'll Be $40, Donovan

Alright, I’ll admit it: this hasn’t been the best of seasons. Despite chugging four Muscle Milks and sleeping for 17 hours the night before the draft, my team hasn’t performed up to anyone’s expectations. And that’s fine. After all, I’m not a sports fan — I’m an ath-lete. At least that’s what I tell my bosses at the bank when I show up to work at noon after sleeping in the morning after a big hockey game. Good thing they all work in Singapore.

Look, my team’s not making the playoffs or even finishing above .500. I realize this. But just like any fiscally responsible slickdealer, I’ve been doing everything in my power to stay out of the cellar and avoid having to pay the $40 fee that comes along with finishing in last place. At only a game behind the ninth place team, Full Retard, this was still a possibility.

My team, Lehman Brothers, got off to an explosive start yesterday, with 18 points from Warrick Dunn, 15 from Jason Campbell, and 27 from TO. Things looked on the up and up. That is, until Donovan F. McNabb took the field. For the sake of convenience, allow me to reproduce what McNabb’s Yahoo! player page has to say about his performance:

Nov 23 QB Donovan McNabb was benched at halftime Sunday and replaced by second-year man Kevin Kolb. McNabb has been playing poorly for the better part of a month now, and he completed just eight of 18 passes for 59 yards and threw two interceptions in the first half against the Ravens. In the Eagles' last five games, McNabb has a .526 completion percentage and has thrown six touchdown passes and seven interceptions. He's got seven turnovers (five interceptions, two lost fumbles) in the last two games alone.

Translation? -4 fantasy points. Instead of a sure victory, I’m heading into the Monday night game with only a 2 point lead…and Basketball on Grass still has Lance Moore yet to play.

That’ll be $40, McNabb, you asshole. Payable in cash or 50% off coupons for chunkysoup.com (YMMV).

- Cousin Bowser, Little Marianville, NY

In his rec hockey league season, Cousin Bowser has scored 10 goals on 359 shots with a plus-minus rating of -40. He has yet to record an assist.

Who Else Do People Hate?

- When Brandon Jacobs was surprisingly listed as inactive, I had the decision to make between Derrick Ward and Michael Turner. I figured the Giants were guaranteed to give Ward 20 carries and a TD, while Turner had struggled against Carolina previously. I decided to go with Ward and man is my ass sore this morning. Turner has to have the largest Beta of any back in the league. Fuck You to the Giants coaching staff, Jacobs, and Turner for even putting me in that position. And at least use some lubricant next time...

- Pierce M., New York, NY
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It’s Never Sunny in Philadelphia for You, Brian Westbrook

It’s a Monday in late August, draft night in the RGIOQB fantasy league. I walk into the bar and join the other competitors not with a sense of excitement but one of resignation. I have the fourth overall pick. I’m getting stuck with Joseph Addai.

See, I drafted Addai in the first round last year (at #6). I know what his deal is: good player, great potential, can’t stay healthy, plays on a team that likes to coddle him and not give him too many touches. He was just good enough last season that I couldn’t pass him up at #4 without feeling bad about it. Still, I wasn’t looking forward to another season of DNPs and Kenton Keith TDs.

But something miraculous happened: Lafayette Gold, a Colts homer, drafted Addai at #3. Unbelievable! I announced my selection of Brian Westbrook with such quickness and enthusiasm that, if I were in charge of a real NFL draft, I would’ve tripped on my run up to the podium, causing Roger Goodell to fall backwards like the bride in that wedding disaster clip.

My relationship with Brian Westbrook got off to a great start: the shift Philadelphia RB racked up a whopping 48 fantasy points over the first two weeks to the season. I’d stolen the best player in the league at #4 and my team was in first place because of it. I couldn’t help but think of that scene in Damages where Arthur Frobisher ominously says to Katie Connor, “Our fates are intertwined.”

Those turned out to be prophetic words, but not for the better. With the exception of his Week 8 game against Atlanta (209 total yards, 2 TDs), Westbrook’s numbers have been what sportscasters, who hold no medical degrees, might refer to as “anemic.”

Let’s take a look at his stats over the past 9 weeks:

Week 3: 12 yards (injured in game)
Week 4: DNP
Week 5: 84 total yards, 1 TD
Week 6: DNP
Week 7: Bye
Week 8: 209 yards, 2 TDs
Week 9: 96 yards, 0 TDs
Week 10: 59 yards, 0 TDs
Week 11: 71 yards, 0 TDs

Taking out the bye (but counting the DNPs), Westbrook has been averaging roughly 8 fantasy points a game over his past 8 games. Take out the Week 8 outlier and Westbrook’s average over that stretch falls under 4 fucking fantasy points per game, people. I didn’t realize I was spending the #4 pick on Jerious Norwood.

What a disgrace. On the bright side, our trading deadline hasn’t expired yet. Maybe it’s still not too late to swing that deal for Joseph Addai. Or, at this rate, Kenton Keith. God I’m screwed.

Who Else Do People Hate?

It's a good thing Arizona gave Hightower the job. I'd been waiting all year for that with him stashed on my bench and when he tookover I thought I was ready to rumble. I even traded away Ryan Grant in a deal for Steve Smith to free up a spot starting lineup. Then ol' Tim runs like a little bitch against the Seahawks. It's the fucking Seahawks! What is wrong with you Tim? You don't even score touchdowns anymore. Step your shit up please...

- Josh L., Indianapolis, IN.
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That Was Really One for the Ages, Jake Delhomme

First, I take a lot of shit for starting you on the bye last week.

Now, Jake Delhomme, this.

I’ve seen a lot of crappy QB performances in my day, Jake Delhomme — I once lost because of Rex Grossman’s now infamous -7 point performance in the “crown their asses!” game against the Cardinals a few years ago — but this one is right up there.

7-for-27, 72 yards, 1 TD and 4 INTs? I mean, how does that even happen? Did you have another Tommy John surgery at halftime?

Thing is, I can’t even say that you’re the reason I lost this week. Getting 10 or 15 points from you would’ve helped, sure, but my team would still have most likely lost. Your efforts yesterday were just so colossally terrible that I take them as nothing less than a sign of disrespect. That’s why, Jake Delhomme, I think we should part ways.

I would say, “it’s not you, it’s me,” but it really is you. Four interceptions, I’m afraid, don’t cut it on my team.

So see ya around, Jake. Enjoy that waiver wire spot next to Dane Looker. Hear he’s a great guy. I’m sure you two will get along great.

Who Else Do the People Hate?

Brian Westbrook can eat a dick. This guy claims to be healthy and then he puts up that 26 rushing yard display against the Giants this week. I thought you were supposed to be your team's MVP! Go shove a steak from Pat's where the sun don't shine...wiz wit!

- Mr. T, New York, NY

Can't the Ravens figure out their RB situation? I mean really, can't then?? The last two weeks I've gotten screwed with this McGahee/Rice situation. Both week I've started the guy who was announced to start and get the most carries. Just pick one guy and end it!!!

- Larry S., Baltimore, MD
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It's Been a Long Road for You and Me This Season, Randy Moss

Randy Moss, we’ve been through a lot this season. I drafted you with the last pick of the first round – what a steal! – only to see your value shrink to almost nothing by the end of the first quarter of Week 1. Still, I didn’t hold this against you. I mean, it wasn’t your fault that the Pats didn’t have a viable backup, it was the arrogance of Bill Belichick. Sure, I’m tough, but I’d never hold that against you, Randy.

But what I do hold against you is that half-assed lateral you threw at the end of Sunday night game. I mean, what the eff was that?

See, Randy, that 20-yard reception – was that your season long? – was all I needed to move out of a tie and win my fantasy game. Honestly, it was the proudest of you I’ve been all season. You carelessly throw the ball away, like it doesn’t even matter if you’re saddled with a -2 for a fumble.

Well, it does matter, Randy. It matters to me. Now I have to spend yet another week regretting how highly I drafted you. Oh, wait! Someone just sent in a trade offer for you!

And the offer is:

Jerious Norwood. And the Denver defense.

Not a bad deal, actually.

- John D., Los Angeles, CA

Who Else Do the People Hate?

I just confirmed it on SJ39.com and Steven Jackson was supposed to play yesterday. Wait, he did? I couldn't have guessed by the impact he had on my team. Maybe if he focused less on html and more on his rehab, he would've been productive. Stick to braiding your girly hair and leave the injury reports to Doogie Howser asshole!

- Mike R., Tampa, FL
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The Glorious Rise and Fall of J.T. O’Sullivan

There are few things in life more perversely satisfying than watching something that’s value has been grossly inflated start to deteriorate. Whether it’s the price of a bank stock or the self-esteem of a girl who thinks she’s much hotter than she really is, it’s always fun to see something get cut down to size. It’s just human nature.

That’s why I reveled in J.T. O’Sullivan’s epic 131 yard, 0 TD, 3 turnover performance (in one half!) yesterday against the lowly Seahawks. That’s why I laughed uncontrollably after O’Sullivan got benched in favor of Shaun Hill, and especially after hearing that the Niners will be using the bye week to reassess their quarterback situation.

Prior to Sunday’s game, O’Sullivan’s numbers hadn’t exactly been gaudy – he’d been throwing for an average of 221 yards and a little over 1 TD per game – but they were much better than they had any right to be, especially during an NFL season in which no NFL QB has been able to light it up the way Brady or Romo did last year. And let’s not forget: the Niners have been really effing bad, too.

See, O’Sullivan’s greatest strength as a fantasy player – the fact that he’ll hold onto the ball forever, throw into double coverage, basically anything to make a play downfield – is the biggest reason why he’s not a good actual player. Let’s be honest: without Martz, O’Sullivan would be just another marginal player, no better or worse than Dan Orlovsky or Jeff Smoker or whoever the Lions are currently starting. But because Martz coaches like he’s a long-time fantasy GM who was inexplicably given the shot to run an NFL offense, O’Sullivan has been a fantasy force.

But that’s all over now. In possibly the worst performance by a QB since Randy Fasani went 5-for-18 for 46 yards and 3 INTs, it all ended for the man known as J.T. O’Suckedagain. Mike Singletary ain’t putting up with that crap.

As of last week, it looked like O’Sullivan was the kind of guy who could win you a fantasy championship. O’Sullivan owners likely – and smartly – avoided drafting a QB until the late rounds, opting to use their high picks on the Matt Fortes and Roddy Whites of the world. Now? Those owners are scouring the waiver wire for a replacement. Good luck. Let me know how Joe Flacco works out for you. Really, I wish you two all the best.
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LenDale White: A Jackie Gleason for These Modern NFL Times

I’m not even angry with you this morning, LenDale White. No, no – if anything, I’m impressed. I mean, how often is it that you see a legitimately obese person tear apart an NFL defense to the tune of 149 yards and three scores? It’s a once in a generation event, and if it means my fantasy team has to take an L for me to see it, well, that’s just fine with me.

How your chubby legs were able to churn hard enough to carry you past the Chiefs defenders on that hilarious 80-yard TD run, I’ll never know. Frankly, I was waiting for Arrowhead Stadium to be engulfed in the flames resulting from the friction generated by your sausage-like legs rubbing together.

Not since Jerome Bettis¹ toted the rock for the Steelers has a fat guy made as many athletic, speedy defenders look foolish. And before the Bus, you’d have to go all the way back to Natrone Means or Marion Butts to find such a blend of speed, power, and corpulence.

So here’s to you, LenDale White, lover of refined carbohydrates and connoisseur of smorgasbords. You’re what this culture has been missing for so long: a graceful fat man, a Jackie Gleason for these modern NFL times.

That said, if TJ Duckett goes for 200 yards and 2 TDs next week, I’m going to advocate putting an asterisk to these totals until we can test the nation’s twinkie supply for performance enhancers.

- Andy T., New Brunswick, NJ

¹ Something I learned from the coverage leading up to Super Bowl XL: Jerome Bettis grew up in Detroit.

Who Else Do the People Hate?

Peyton Manning is fucking terrible. When did Eli become the better performing brother? What kind of bizarro world are we living in where Eli has a better passer rating than Peyton? Peyton is throwing picks for TDs and looking like straight dog shit. His performance on Sunday cost my team the win and felt like a shot to the nuts.

- Nick W., Philadelphia, PA
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Okay, Thomas Jones, So Maybe You're a Little Better Than I Thought

Two touchdowns last year. One touchdown through the first five weeks this season.

Last Thursday, I finally decided to cut bait with Thomas Jones, the plodding Jets rusher, trading him away for Chris Perry and some throw-ins, thinking that the young Bengal would bring some much needed explosivity to my roster.

I’d had enough. Can you blame me? Nobody wants a 30-year-old RB who doesn’t score and who seemingly never breaks a run longer than 10 yards. I mean, even his name is pedestrian. “Thomas Jones” sounds like a guy who made his living driving spikes into the tracks of the Transcontinental Railroad.

I tried referring to him as “Tom” for the first few weeks of the season, hoping that this would make him a little sexier in my eyes, and perhaps the eyes of the schlubs in my league whom I could potentially pawn him off on. It didn’t work. After only netting 65 total yards and failing the score in a game in which his team hung 56 points on the Cards, I figured it was over for poor old Thomas.

But yesterday? Ol’ TJ reached the end zone three times against the Bengals, racking up 25 fantasy points. When I saw the stat line come across the ticker, I figured that it was the wrong Jones. Surely, of all the league’s Joneses, only Felix or Julius or even Jacoby could be responsible for such fantasy decadence.

Alas, Stat Tracker confirmed: it was Thomas.

On the bright side, Chris Perry had 11 carries for 14 yards.

I’m doing my best to take all of this as a personal lesson. You shouldn’t lust after the speedy, younger RBs just in the same way you shouldn’t buy a fast car that’s likely to break down or fall in love with a girl you know is going to go home with some dude at the bar the first weekend you go out of town. In fact, I’d almost be willing to change everything about the way I live my life because of my experience if not for one thing.

Thomas Jones sucks. I’m sure of it.

Get ready for 13 carries for 53 yards next week. You suck, asshole!

- Eric C., Lincoln, NE

Who Else Do the People Hate?

Fuck you Joseph Addai! I mean seriously...Fuck You and the Colts Medical staff. You hurt your little hamstring in practice this week and it doesn't get reported? Then after one carry, your bitch ass sits on the sideline cause you're hurt? I had Thomas Jones on my bench and would've played him had I known you were a little baby. I lost by 3 points...3 points!

- Jamie M. New York, NY

I wanna take a hit out on The Patriots and Sammy Morris. When you're facing a fantasy team with Sproles and Morris and up 3 points with 7 minutes to play, you're not feeling too bad. Then because Matt Cassel can't hit open receivers, Morris snakes a garbage time score to send me to 2-4. You couldn't have fucked over fantasy owners with that Kevin Faulk bullshit this week? And I just lost Romo for 4 weeks! I'm fucked!

- Alex M. New York, NY
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Sage Rosenfels, You Are No John Elway

So, you’re an NFL QB. You’re at home, you’re up 27-17 against a division rival, and you’ve got the ball. There’s only 4:04 left in the game. All you have to do is run the ball a few times and maybe throw a dump off pass and you can ice the game. Most importantly, you keep Peyton Manning off the field, ensuring that my fantasy team increases its victory total by one.

No problem, right? Game’s in the bag.

Well, if you’re Sage Rosenfels, that’s a big problem, apparently. Rosenfels, last-minute substitute QB for the we-just-can’t-shake-this-whole-culture-of-losing Houston Texans, found himself in this exact situation yesterday against the Indianapolis Colts. The end result? Two fumbles, one interception, one late Manning TD, and a big fat L for my fantasy team.

Eff that, Sage.

On third and 8, Rosenfels took off on a QB scramble, but instead of sliding for a nice gain, he launched himself directly at Colts defensive back Marlin Jackson, who helped him recreate John Elway’s famous helicopter dive from that Super Bowl against the Packers, only with a very different result.

Rosenfels fumbled the ball, and Colts LB Gary Brackett, the slightly tubby Colts linebacker, snatched the live ball from the turf and waddled in for a touchdown. 27-24.

Sage Rosenfels, I watched John Elway. I loved John Elway. I played as John Elway in Madden. Sage Rosenfels, you’re no John Elway.

The real damage, though, came on the next drive, when you lost yet another fumble. A few plays later? Manning hits Reggie Wayne for a TD, effectively ending my fantasy day.

I have to say, Sage, when you threw that final interception to eliminate any hope of a comeback, I actually felt bad for you. Here’s what your teammate Mario Williams had to say about the whole chain of events after the game: ‘‘I’ve never seen anything in my life like that. For that to happen, I can’t even remember seeing anything like that growing up. It’s just devastating.”

Devastating indeed, Mario. For the both of us.

- Dave C., Twin Falls, ID

PS: Matt Schaub, you’re not free of blame here, either. I’ve never heard of a player being scratched because he’s “sick.” The Houston nightlife scene can’t be that good, Matt, especially for a guy whose hairline looks like a sine wave. You’ve got some splainin’ to do, buddy.

Who Else Do the People Hate?

I do have a rant. Maurice Jones-Drew is a piece of shit. I don't think I can even dignify him with five lines. What a waste of an early pick. They don't even give him the ball because he sucks so much. He's been less productive and less consistent for me than Tony Scheffler.

- Milan M., Raleigh, NC
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I Openly Question Carson Palmer’s Manhood

Carson Palmer, I truly cannot stand you.

When I drafted you in Round 4 this year, I thought I was getting the guy who threw that beautiful, looping 60-yard pass to Chris Henry in the first quarter of that 2005 playoff game against the Steelers. I knew that your career was briefly sidetracked when Kimo von Oelhoffen slid into your knee, but I didn’t realize that when he was down there, he removed your cock and balls and replaced them with a vagina.

See, Carson, when I sat down to watch the Browns-Bengals game yesterday, I was still fully expecting you to play. I guess I must’ve figured, “Any guy who wasn’t listed on the injury report all week probably stands a good chance at taking the field.”

But it looks like the joke was on me. I sat there, mouth agape, as that little shit Adam Schefter reported that you’d be sitting out with elbow discomfort. Seriously, Carson? A little advance notice, perhaps?

The thing is, I had the chance to trade your candy ass all week, but I wasn’t going to let some carpetbagger come in and buy you up on the cheap. Not with the Browns game coming up. I’m not sure if you remember this, Carson, but last year you threw for 401 yards and 6 TDs against Cleveland. So I decided that I’d wait until Monday to made a decision on you.

Well, Carson, Monday’s here, and the only decision I’ve made is that you’re a fucking pansy. Go fuck yourself.

- Ace P., Falls Church, VA

Who Else Do the People Hate?

WTF was Whisenhunt thinking playing the starters down 23 points with three minutes to go?!? He almost got Anquan killed! If Boldin misses more than a week, I might have to spring Ted Kazinsky from jail to take care of the situation.

- Joe B., Los Angeles, CA
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I Am Experiencing Acute Feelings of Self-Loathing and Regret After Benching Ronnie Brown

At first, it was funny. When Ronnie Brown emerged from 2008 fantasy obscurity yesterday to run for a first quarter TD on a direct snap play against the Patriots yesterday, I turned and laughed to a few of my friends, who’d told me earlier that morning that I should bench Brown in favor of Ryan Grant, he of the ailing hammy. “Grant’s going against a weak Dallas defense,” they told me. “Plus, Brown is going up against the Patriots. The Pats never give up a huge day to anybody.” I took this advice, thinking that it was the smart play.

It was not the smart play, friends. It was anything but.

Brown would go on to score three more rushing touchdowns, all of them coming on the same direct snap play that the Patriots were totally unable to stop. And the thing is, Brown wasn’t just running it in from the goal line. He ran one in from 62 yards. By the early fourth quarter, I was wondering if the Dolphins would try to run the play from their own goal line to see if RB23 could score a 99-yard TD. That’s how things were going at that point.

And oh, yeah, if that weren’t enough, Brown also threw a 19-yard TD pass to Anthony Fasano. He had 39 fantasy points on the day, but the rumor going around right now is that he also kicked three field goals and returned an interception for a TD. Scoring adjustment forthcoming.

Ryan Grant? Thirteen carries for 54 yards. It wasn’t a total loss, though: he also lost a fumble.

I lost to Mr. T by a margin of 35 points.

So who’s to blame here? My friends, for suggesting that I bench Brown? Me, for listening to them? Ronnie Brown, for not giving us any idea that this might be coming? Dave Wannstedt? Jay Fiedler?

Of course, it’s me, undoubtedly. And try as I might to find a little sympathy, a little compassion, from my fellow Rex Grossman Fantasy League Competitors, I continue to come up emptier than a Kerry Collins highball glass. Here’s the thing: sure, I benched a guy who had a 39-point week, but now I also have one of the best players in fantasy on my roster – a guy I drafted at the end of Round 8. Nobody’s going to shed any tears for me.

So, here I am, agonizing over my decision and the defeat that it lead to, left all alone. I can only come back to the words of Mr. T, which elicited lots of laughter and joking when he wrote them in an email chain last year but which suddenly have taken on a stirring resonancy. “That’s life,” he said. “That’s fantasy football.”

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I Hate You, Ed Hochuli

What the fuck, Ed Hochuli?

No, seriously, what the fuck?

I’m up comfortably, 102-90, in my work league near the end of the 4 p.m. games yesterday. I’m a little nervous because the team I’m playing has both Jay Cutler and Eddie Royal, but I breathe a big sigh of relief when the ball comically slips out of Cutler’s hands at the San Diego 10-yard line. But there’s some confusion. Was it a fumble? Was it an incomplete pass? The red flag flies from the pocket of Norv Turner’s pleated wrinkle-frees and onto the field, and I exhale, confident that the replays will bear out the fact that this was a plain old motherfucking fumble.

Which they do. No matter which angle you view the replay from, it’s a fumble. Over and over, I watch as the ball pops out of the helmet-haired QB’s hands like a bar of soap in the shower.

After seemingly spending an hour watching the play through his peep show viewer, Hochuli arrogantly trots out onto the field like a high school gym teacher and announces that he blew the whistle – and the call. It was a fumble, he says, but because the play was blown dead before San Diego could recover, Denver keeps the ball.

What?

HOW CAN YOU JUST ADMIT THAT YOU TOTALLY SCREWED UP AND NOT DO ANYTHING TO FIX IT? WHY DID YOU BLOW THE WHISTLE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE?!? HAS ALL THAT MUSCLE MILK FUCKED UP YOUR BRAIN???

Two plays later, Cutler finds Royal for a TD. Of course he does. 102-100.

Okay, this can still work, I tell myself. But then Mike Shanahan, in a move that I still can’t rationally discuss, decides to go for two. What is this, the Sugar Bowl?

Cutler to Royal for the 2 point conversion. 102-104. I lose.

I hope your wife forced you to stay outside and do lat pull-downs all night, Ed Hochuli. I hope she made you sleep out in the garage with your Bowflex. But you know what? No matter how big those biceps get, they’ll still be attached to the biggest douchebag ever to ref an NFL game. I hate you. I hate you so much.

– Kevin B., Philadelphia, PA

Who Else Do the People Hate?

I hate you so much, Hurricane Ike. With Andre Johnson and Matt Schaub out of my line-up as a result of you forcing the Texans-Ravens game to be postponed, I had to start Jamarcus Russell and Muhsin Muhammad. I’ll give you one guess as to how that worked out for me.

– Natalie P., Boston, MA

You know who I hate? Anquan Boldin. As an owner of Larry Fitzgerald, I figured the two would cancel each other out. And, basically, they did. Except for those three touchdowns Kurt Warner threw to Boldin. Thanks for costing me the win, Warner.

- Charles C., New York, NY
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I Hate You, Tom Brady

I hate you, Tom Brady. I hate you and Giselle and all of the annoyingly perfect children you two will one day produce.

Tom, in the eight years I've been playing fantasy, I've never drafted a quarterback in the first round. Not once. But this year, there I was with the #4 overall pick, and there you were, Tom, staring me right in the face with your GQ-cover looks, Brazilian supermodel girlfriend, and 50 TDs. In a moment of weakness, I drafted you over Brian Westbrook, who slid to #4. I was even happy about it. I had the best player in all of football and was on my way to building a playoff-contending roster.

And then Bernard Pollard crawled his way across the turf at Gillette Stadium and grazed your ACL with his right hand.When it happened, a pall fell over the bar where I was watching the game. But I wasn’t worried. It’s Tom Brady, he’ll be okay, I reassured myself. He’ll probably come back in the second half. But now you’re likely out for the season and I’ve got my dick in my hands. What the fuck, Tom Brady?

No, seriously, what the fuck?

How does a guy who’s never missed any significant time despite being listed on the injury report every week for two years with a sore shoulder crumple after the lightest contact? How does a guy who threw for 50 TDs last year throw 0 this year? Do you know who my backup is, Tom? Jamarcus fucking Russell. That’s how much confidence I had in you. Of course, I can see now that this is all karmic payback for Spygate and all the times you ran up the score on hapless opponents last year. But what did I do to deserve all this?

I drafted you, Tom Brady, that’s what. And now I’m fucked. I hate you.

- Rocco P., South Bend, IN

Who else do the people hate?

I hate Rashard Mendenhall and Willie Parker...which means I hate Mike Tomlin. All I hear in the off-season is how Parker isn't the same, how Mendenhall is a stud ready to take over in the red zone and share the load. Naturally, my first game (against a certain Mr. T, in one of his 30 leagues) was against Parker, and I started Mendenhall at the flex (it's 12-team league). You know the rest. As Public Enemy put it, don't believe the hype.

- Charles C., New York, NY

Ed. We gave you the heads-up about Parker and Mendenhall last week.

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