You Know Who You Should Sit?

Muhsin Muhammad (WR - CAR) Timmy's not watching, so you're allowed to double dip with Mr. T for your fantasy advice this week. My chips start with a WR who I've seen picked up and inserted into way too many starting lineups this week. Our old friend Muhsy is well out of his prime, but he had a nice game last week. Unlike the Outback Special, Muhammad doesn't fill my craving against the Chiefs. Matched up against a ridiculously porous run defense, Carolina will run, run, run. There will only be so many balls to go around and a majority of them should go to Steve "The Executioner" Smith on big plays. Muhammad is not a weekly play and there are plenty of better bye week replacements out there. Those expecting even half of last week's point total might find more luck playing Keno at their local bar.

You Know Who Else You Should Sit?

Jason Campbell (QB - WSH) The Eagles are good with Blitz pressure, something Campbell has struggled with in the past. Their league best run defense should force a lot of 3rd and longs. You do the math.

LenDale White (RB - TEN) Facing a stout Baltimore D, he might not get too close to the endzone for goal line carries. To even hear his name mentioned, you'll need to tee up some old USC games for Keith Jackson's dulcet tones.

Julius Jones (RB - SEA) Hasselbeck and Holmgren have been anticipating the return of Branch and Engram. In a comeback that trumps The New Kids on the Block, summertime is over for Double J starting Sunday.

Vernon Davis (TE - SF) I'm STD free as I said on Tuesday. He's complaining about his offensive role, he's dropping balls, and Air Martz could give two shits.
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You Know Who You Should Start?

Eli Manning (QB - NYG) Historically, Eli deals poorly with the bad weather that comes with the second half of the NFL season, but luckily, even though the seasons have changed in New York City, the dead of winter is still far away. For one week and one week only, he looks as appetizing as the pig with lipstick.

After honing his accuracy over the bye week by playing hours of Big Buck Hunter at Brother Jimmy's, L'il Bro is going to go off on the Seahawks this week. Seattle likes to crowd the box and will be even more focused on stopping the run with Plaxico out. But don't be "scurred" – Eli has mastered the play action fake and will be able to take advantage of all those eight-man fronts. He has no problem spreading the ball around, so with Plax out of the lineup, a few of the secondary receivers will be able to shine. On a beautiful fall Sunday, look for Eli to make love in Mama's Room with a surprisingly good showing.

You Know Who Else You Should Start?

Gus Frerotte (QB - MIN) The Saints can't stop anyone, so why should this week be any different? Get on the bus with Gus if you need a bye week replacement.

Steve Slaton (RB - HOU) The kid has arrived. As long as he can stay healthy, he'll be an effective fantasy player. The Colts haven't been able to stop the run without Bob Sanders in the lineup since Rudy Giuliani was the GOP front-runner.

Jon Stewart (RB - CAR) Become a fan of The Daily Show by watching one of Mr. T's favorite college players blow up a porous KC run defense.

Lance Moore (WR - NO) If you didn't know who Lance Moore was last week, you probably do now. The #1 receiver in the Saints offense will do plenty of damage, because running the ball against the Vikings is never an option.

Anthony Fasano (TE - MIA) Matthew Berry, you're on the hook for this one. San Diego has allowed a TD to the TE in every game this year. TMR, I'm a believer too.
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The Marble Ryan Lock of the Week

As we all sit helplessly watching our 401Ks fall swiftly to zero, we should take solace in the one marketplace that still has rewards to shower over us: Vegas, baby! I must say, even with the Lock of the Week (as well as Wo Ai Beijing) at a relatively unimpressive 2-2, I'm enjoying this season immensely so far. Of course, my good cheer of late probably has to do with the fact that the Lock is coming off a positive result; should I fall to 2-3 against my bookman, you might find me slightly more concerned in next week's column over the fact that I, my family, and everyone in this country is going broke. And, if the two trades I made in the RGIOQB Lig don't work out for me, you probably won't find a column at all; the only thing on my computer will be an electronic receipt for the Anarchist's Cookbook and directions to Willis McGahee's house. For now, though, I'm feeling good and ready to lay a little parlay action right over your domes, people.

As a Peyton Manning owner, I've been as unimpressed as any with his play so far this year, and probably more so. I figured that after Brady's monster year in 2007, Manning would come back angry and ready to reclaim his title as the world's best quarterback. A knee surgery derailed this mission even before it started, however, causing him to miss the entire preseason and depriving him of his normal legendary level of preparation. I suspect that the Week 4 bye effectively solved that problem, though, and after two weeks of relentless studying and playing catch, Peyton is ready to start throwing TDs like there's no tomorrow.

Moreover, Houston's pathetic defense is the perfect rebound matchup, particularly when you consider that Manning's record against the Texans is somewhere in the region of 58-1. For the Colts to be favored by only 2.5 points – even in Houston – is a slap in the face from the football nerds in the desert and enough to make Manning, the third funniest man in the NFL behind Clinton Portis and Herm Edwards, temporarily forget his sense of humor. Take the Colts and that ridiculous 2.5 point line and tell the FDIC to keep their money for another week, as you've got a little extra scratch coming your way. And if you really want to get feisty, go ahead and take that 47 point over, too – Steve Slaton should run wild over the Colts with Bob Sanders out, and with Peyton looking for blood, that 47 could be dust by halftime.

The pick: Indianapolis -2.5 over HOUSTON and Over 47
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Great Debates in Fantasy Football: Who Has More Value, Kevin Smith or DeAngelo Williams?

At 11:51 a.m., news broke that Marble Ryan had traded DeAngelo Willians to Steve Stevens in exchange for Kevin Smith. Sure, players like these aren't the biggest names around, but often it's trades like this that can determine a fantasy championship.

So, who got the better end of the deal? Both parties and a few other league members weigh in on the transaction. Note that Steve Stevens owned Jonathan Stewart prior to the trade.

Marble Ryan: I'm pretty bullish on my Deuce acquisition and I still have faith in Selvin Young with Dre Hall clearly playing his way out of touches. DeAngelo was essentially my fifth RB, and he hasn't looked very good. I know Smith is garbage, too, but he has some upside as Rudi is not going to last long as the starter. I don't mind having a high risk guy as my fifth RB. DeAngelo's value will continue to drop each week, and Rudi could easily go down this Sunday, so there was some urgency.

I understand fully the problems with Smith. I liked, however, that he is reacting angrily to being benched – he's motivated to win his job back. And if you want to talk about garbage, Rudi is as bad as it gets at the RB position. He'll be out of the mix in due time, I suspect.

Steve Stevens: They're two lame duck running backs, but I think Smith is more lame than DeAngelo. Even if Smith wins back the starting job, the Lions schedule is just too tough. They play the Bears (twice), the Vikings, and a few other tough Ds like the Titans. DeAngelo's biggest attribute is that he's not Kevin Smith. There's not a ton of upside, though, unless Jonathan Stewart gets hurt. For me, the trade was more about Carolina RB insurance. Detroit's running situation is horrific. I'm definitely cutting bait while I can.

Michael J. Cox: It looks like Marble Ryan is starting to enter terrible trade mode early this year. It's not a good trade. It's not amazingly bad or anything because of the mediocrity of the players involved, but DeAngelo Williams is a starter, Kevin Smith is not, and Carolina is the better team.

Mr. T: If you think Smith sucks and that DeAngelo has more value right now, doesn't that mean you're getting the less in the deal? Couldn't you have found a small upgrade elsewhere? You could've sold it harder as insuring the Carolina RB situation. Smith's value couldn't be any lower right now.

Marble Ryan: I know Kevin Smiff's value is low right now, but Kellen Winslow was seriously the only upgrade I could've gotten from Steve's team, and he was out of my reach. Steve's team is terrible. DeAngelo was just hangin' from a string for me, so I thought I'd upgrade to some upside. It's a gamble on my part, I know, but one worth taking, with Deuce, Selvin, and Chris "Gaylord" Perry. Perry had a bad game last week, but it happens to everyone. Marion Barber had 2 points last week – these things happen.
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Another Kind of Fantasy

For those of you who don’t already know, I recently returned from the alternate universe I like to call L.A., where I worked and tanned simultaneously (poolside Wi-Fi is a beautiful thing, people), to find that while I was gone, the rest of the world was turned upside-down. Marc Bulger was not “our quarterback” – and then he was again. The Mets...well, you know (pointing and laughing). For the first time, my mantra – “I should have gone into Finance” – no longer applies. But fear not, for Rox Hoover has figured out the cause of this cosmic upheaval, this jumbling of the time-space continuum. If you look carefully, you’ll notice that all of this began when the New England Patriots LOST to the lowly Miami Dolphins. Our fragile world cannot survive without Tom Brady! Come back, Tom! But I digress.

However, despite all of this global volatility, one thing has remained steadfast, even making some visible improvement.

The Powder Puff League. The girls are getting better.

Damn them.

I’ve been told by many a male friend that I take this fantasy football thing way too seriously. I’ve even been called “Hung,” a reference to the nasty little Asian man on Top Chef who would never share his culinary secrets with the other contestants. Well, you know what, people? Hung WON Top Chef. So what if no one liked him? I’m in it for the glory, not to recruit people for a slumber party. And glory is much easier to achieve when everyone else has no idea what the hell is going on.

Much to my dismay, the girls in the league are starting to make bye week adjustments without my prompting. And free agent backup RBs are being snatched up as soon as the starter goes down. There’s even some intelligent predictions being made, which means that these hotties who really should be out getting boys to buy mojitos for them are STAYING HOME AND READING ESPN.COM. Adios, Tim Hightower; hasta la bye-bye Le'Ron McClain. What the eff?

It’s not that I think these ladies are unintelligent – I just assumed they would have better things to do than troll the waiver wire on a Saturday night (like me)! But apparently we’re all slowly turning into harpees who swear at the TV on Monday night when our kicker goes up against our opponent’s flex to decide who wins. We put updates about our fantasy teams in our Facebook statuses. We’re intensely passionate psychotic glory hogs out for blood and bragging rights because God knows you really can’t buy a nice pair of shoes with the prize money the winner will take home. And we’re all starting to suck at it a whole lot less than last year!

Competition is a healthy thing. I can handle it. At least the girls haven’t really figured out how trades work yet – then I’d really be screwed. And so what if I dropped Deuce McAllister after Week 3 and somebody actually noticed and grabbed him? I have two dudes on my team with sports hernias who are gonna be HUGE.

TIGHTrearEND of the Week

Joe Flacco (QB – BAL) So what if you’re like 12 – Joe Flacco, you are a stone cold hottie and you went to DELAWARE. I should send a thank you card to Troy Smith for getting the flu so we could watch your hot ass on Monday Night Football.

Fantasy Advice On the Rox

Here’s who I love in Week 5:

Ricky Williams (RB – MIA) The Chargers are overrated, and since he’s bound to take a puff sooner or later, why not get the most out of him now?

Reggie Brown (WR – PHI) Six receptions for 79 yards in his first game back – I’m fairly certain that’s more than he had all last year. I’d say he’s back, but that would imply that he’d shown up prior to this, so I guess he’s just arriving now.

Santana Moss (WR – WAS) In just the first four games of the season, he’s already surpassed half of his ’07 yardage total. It’s going to be a good year for one Moss at least.

Julius Jones (RB – SEA) Improving one component of the offense should improve the rest. More receivers for Hasselbeck to throw to means more time for Seattle on the right side of the ball.

Here’s who I hate in Week 5:

ALL tight ends other than Jason Witten (TE – NFL) What the hell is going on this year? You’re almost better leaving the roster spot empty – at least you won’t lose points for a fumble.

Ben Roethlisberger (QB – PIT) On average, Ben’s been throwing fewer than 20 times per game, so he hasn’t been lighting it up lately. He might start throwing it more now that the Steelers are out of options in the backfield, but I think that the pressure’s going to get to him this week against Jacksonville.
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Week 5 Podcast: "The more layers you peel, the more it stinks."

Marble Ryan joins Torry Hallelujah to discuss a recent trade in the Rex Grossman Fantasy League, Kurt Warner's accuracy, and Oakland's coaching disaster.

Donwload the Podcast



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Catching Up With: Kurt Warner

Our Torry Hallelujah sat down with Cardinals QB Kurt Warner to discuss God, Ken Whisenhunt’s decision to play his starters late in a blowout loss, and one of the five worst throws in NFL history.

Torry Hallelujah: So, Kurt, if you don’t mind, I’d like to talk about your game against the Jets last Sunday. You guys were down by a mile with only 30 seconds left. Do you think Ken Whisenhunt made a smart decision keeping his starters in till the end of the game?

Kurt Warner: First off, I just want to thank the Lord for letting me be in this position.

TH: I’m not sure what you mean, Kurt.

KW: You know, the Lord – Christ, the big JC!

TH: I’m talking about Anquan! Didn’t you see him there, lying awkwardly on the turf? It looked like someone had shocked him with a cattle prod.

KW: Hey, the Lord takes us when he’s ready for us.

TH: And as soon as Anquan was taken off the field on a stretcher, you threw a pass to Larry Fitzgerald over the middle. Do you think that was a smart play?

KW: I just felt that the Lord was calling me to throw for 472 yards. I had to do what he asked. Wasn’t it great?

TH: Kurt, you almost got two of your receivers killed in a meaningless effort. Do you have regrets about that?

KW: I don’t know what you’re talking about – I threw for 472 yards! Didn’t you see?

TH: Oh, I saw. I also saw your three interceptions that cost your team the game, including the one you threw straight to Darrelle Revis. Our Michael J. Cox called it one of the five worst throws he’s ever seen. What do you have to say about that?

KW: That wasn’t me. Matt Leinart threw that one. Probably God’s punishment for all that premarital sex.

TH: I’m pretty sure that was you, Kurt. [Cues up video clip from Sunday’s game which clearly shows Warner throwing the ball directly to Revis, followed by Revis casually running it in for a touchdown]

KW: [Busts out in laughter] What can I say, you got me! I have no idea what I was thinking on that one. Hey, at least I threw for all those yards – that’s what matters, right?

TH: Well, your team did lose the game, Kurt.

KW: [Chuckling] Sometimes, the Lord has a plan and you just have no choice but to go with it. That’s what I said when I married Brenda.

TH: What are you talking about?

KW: You think I planned on marrying a chick with a flat top?

TH: Good point. So, Kurt, what can fantasy owners expect from you during the rest of the season? More yards, more terrible interceptions?

KW: If the Lord has anything to say about it, I’ll realize my dream to throw the worst pass in NFL history.

TH: That’ll really be something to watch. We’ll all be looking forward to it!

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Mr. T's $1 Bailout Plan

After four weeks of the NFL season, fantasy teams should be ready to trade assets. The House isn’t rescuing Wall Street with a $700B bailout plan, but Mr. T is here to save your season. Gather the front office executives and develop a plan of attack to hit the trade market. Always remember proper trade etiquette. Low-balling a fellow league member is not the way to start things off. Make a fair, reasonable offer that can start negotiations. Here’s a list of players you should be buying and selling:

Quarterbacks

Buy – Matt Hasselbeck (SEA) He had no receivers for the first three games of the season. Now Branch and Engram are back and a running game has been established. He’s’ got the complete package around him. Picture Keely Hazell’s Yahoo images search. Bam!
Also buy: Matt Schaub (HOU) and Jake Delhomme (CAR)

Sell – Eli Manning (NYG) Little Manning has impressed everyone this season after last year’s playoff run, but that bubble will burst soon. Historically his 2nd half numbers aren’t as good as his first. After the Giants' sixth game, the schedule gets much tougher. This isn't the Double Stuff Racing League. Eli's owners should be scared.
Also sell: Aaron Rogers (GB) and Jon Kitna (DET)

Running Backs

Buy – Thomas Jones (NYJ) We all know I was high on Jones before the season, so let’s not panic after four weeks. I put my money where my mouth is by trading for him in the RexGrossmanIsOurQuarterback.com League last week. As Favre learns the offense, there will be more touchdown opportunities. The Jets schedule presents very favorable matchups after the bye week.
Also buy: Joseph Addai (IND) and Steve Slaton (HOU)

Sell – Michael Turner (ATL) I like some consistency in my running backs. Turner won’t be putting up much in road games with Ryan as his QB. The playoff schedule also looks mighty tough for The Burner.
Also sell: Laurence Maroney (NE), Edgerrin James (AZ), and Selvin Young (DEN)

Wide Receivers

Buy - Andre Johnson (HOU) Look, the guy is an athletic freak. He eats piece of shit like you for breakfast. His value won't be any lower than it is right now. Without a win so far, the Texans will look to get the ball to their best player more often. The schedule also eases up in the weeks ahead, so he should explode with some size to your face.
Also buy: Torry Holt (STL) and Donald Driver (GB)

Sell - Chris Chambers (SD) Now is not the time to enter the 36 Chambers. Does 8 catches in 4 games sound like a winning proposition? That's what Chambers has so far. His fantasy points are inflated from a few big play TDs and as LT rounds back into form, those TDs won't be there. Don't let him be the first dog that's shitted on your lawn.
Also sell: Santana Moss (WSH) and Eddie Royal (DEN)

Tight End

Buy - Tony Gonzalez (KC) If Tyler Thigpen was your quarterback for two of the first four games, you'd be crapping the bed as well. Last week with Damon Huard back at the helm, Gonzalez performed as expected. And the Chiefs will likely be trailing in most games. Huard, if you don't get the ball to Gonzalez, in the words of Herm Edwards, "88's gonna be mad at you!!"
Also buy: Dallas Clark (IND) and Chris Cooley (WSH)

Sell - Vernon Davis (SF) Unlike Rox Hoover, Mike Martz doesn't seem to like a tight end. Look back at his teams and find me a TE who has performed well. He's more apt to turn his safety into a star receiver than throw to the TE. Obtain yourself some cream to cleanse yourself of the VD.
Also sell: Heath Miller (PIT) and Bo Scaife (TEN)
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Scout’s Take: In Which We Discuss Garbage Time Play-Calling, The Flex Position, and Kurt Warner's Turnovers

Each week, our scouts gather together to share their observations on the most noteworthy Sunday performances. Unfortunately, after $700B bailout plan failed in the House vote, we had to send them all packing. In their place are Black Irish, Marble Ryan, Michael J. Cox, Mr. T, The Slow Eater, and Torry Hallelujah, who let us know what they took away from the Week 4 action.

Marble Ryan: Lawrence Fishgerald is on the block for much needed running back help. With Anquan Boldin dead, anyone who needs a top 3 WR can get one for a little love in the backfield.

Torry Hallelujah: I hear Thomas Jones is available... (Ed. Marble Ryan traded Thomas Jones last week with Chad Pennington to Mr. T for Chris Perry and Matt Schaub.)

Mr. T: Who knew Matt Schaub wouldn't be your problem this week? And you were worried about trading for him. I like how you picked up Ryan Fitzpatrick thinking it'd be a boost to your QB situation. Gotta love 2 QB leagues. That situation with Boldin at the end of the Jets game was terrible. Why was the first team offense on the field?

Michael J. Cox: I watched this unfold and it was the most underrated story of the day by far. Anquan gets totally rocked with about 30 seconds to go in the game. There's about a 15 minute stoppage while they attend to him and cart him off on a stretcher to the waiting ambulance. At this point we've seen no movement at all from Anquan and I'm thinking there's a 50% chance that his career is over. Warner is leading both teams in prayer. The announcers are silent — pretty scary. Then after they get Aquan off the field, what does the genius Whisenhunt do? Puts Warner in the effing shotgun and starts throwing again to none other than Larry Fitzgerald over the middle! Just stunning. If I was the owner/GM/team prez, I would have considered firing him on the spot.

Mr. T: Yeah, what are you trying to do down that many points? Take a knee. Maybe this is an F-You from Whisenhunt to Boldin because he wants to be traded. Also, Leinart should've been in the game. Warner is such a fragile piece of shit that he could've gotten murdered out there passing on every down. If the Jets pass rush gets to you five times in the game, that's saying something. I'm surprised Kurt wasn't concussed.

Michael J. Cox: I'd almost think its the other way around. I think these receivers love putting up garbage time stats. Just backfired. Badly.

Slow Eater: I gotta say, right up until the injury I was thrilled that Boldin was getting garbage time points for The Chefs. And considering he's playing for a new contract, I bet Boldin was too. Looks like Chad Johnson has earned his way back into the starting lineup for me.

Marble Ryan: After the first quarter I thought both QBs were going to flirt with negative territory. That first Favre pick was hilarious. It looked like something he would've done when he was with the Falcons. And then the Reevis pick was one of the worst throws in Lig history I think. Warner threw a floater on a comeback route — that’s generally something QB coaches don't advise. Pure football comedy.

Michael J. Cox: Yeah, at halftime I was thinking about what it was going to be like having Matt Leinart starting for my team the rest of the year. Thankfully Kurt resurrected things in the 3rd quarter a bit and somehow gave me a decent day - 27 points in my other league even due to some spotty scoring settings. Six turnovers though....wow. How my team is looking at a potential 3-1 record is baffling though.

Marble Ryan: After the initial set of replays to the Fitz offer, I have to say I'm amazed at how over-valued the RB position is in our Lig. With our rosters forcing you to start three wide and Boldin going down, I would think 20 points a game from Fitz would garner some interesting offers, but the shit people have thrown at me is astounding.

Mr. T: It's not like Boldin died. He's only got a concussion. He'll be back after a week off.

Marble Ryan: Boldin just got a one way ticket to Wayne Chrebet-ville. It starts with the first concussion, and now he is compromised forever. He'll probably get a second one this year, and before you know it he'll be retiring. That hit was brutal. Like Guyte said, he very easily could have been dead. He might come back in two weeks, but even if he does he's tainted. That doesn't even begin to address the issue of how a #1 receiver in this Lig only gets you someone else's flex. I don't really get that...

Torry Hallelujah: It's too bad nobody came at you with Travis Henry and Donald Driver. You would've been all over that one. I don't think you can automatically assume that Fitz's production is going to go up that much. It's tough to play on an offense where you're the only threat. Reggie Wayne's numbers went up a little last year when Marv went out, but it's not like they doubled or anything.

Mr. T: Maybe it's called negotiating. You can't expect to receive Marion Barber as the first offer. Then again, who needs Fitz when you got Lance "Live Strong" Moore.

Torry Hallelujah: I had a hard time deciding which throw was worse, Favre's or Warner's. In the end, I think it was Favre's. Throwing the ball across your body from one side of the field to the other is basically the dumbest thing you can do from the quarterback position, short of throwing the ball straight up in the air, granny style, or handing it off to a defensive lineman and then blocking for him on his way to the end zone.

Michael J. Cox: The Warner pick on the 2 man rush was one of the 5 worst plays I've ever seen a QB make in my life.

Black Irish: Complete and total agreement. That looked like a play straight out of NES Playaction Football.

Marble Ryan: I wish we had tapes of some of your hung over performances in the Zogsports league. Warner's throw was bottom 5, but it's quite an accomplishment to throw three pick 6s in an 8 minute half.

Michael J. Cox: This is true. Thankfully no one's paying me $3M a year to play the position. I'd be happy to fumble and throw picks all day for even $1M. Too bad Marble Ryan isn't an NFL GM or else I might have had the chance....
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I Openly Question Carson Palmer’s Manhood

Carson Palmer, I truly cannot stand you.

When I drafted you in Round 4 this year, I thought I was getting the guy who threw that beautiful, looping 60-yard pass to Chris Henry in the first quarter of that 2005 playoff game against the Steelers. I knew that your career was briefly sidetracked when Kimo von Oelhoffen slid into your knee, but I didn’t realize that when he was down there, he removed your cock and balls and replaced them with a vagina.

See, Carson, when I sat down to watch the Browns-Bengals game yesterday, I was still fully expecting you to play. I guess I must’ve figured, “Any guy who wasn’t listed on the injury report all week probably stands a good chance at taking the field.”

But it looks like the joke was on me. I sat there, mouth agape, as that little shit Adam Schefter reported that you’d be sitting out with elbow discomfort. Seriously, Carson? A little advance notice, perhaps?

The thing is, I had the chance to trade your candy ass all week, but I wasn’t going to let some carpetbagger come in and buy you up on the cheap. Not with the Browns game coming up. I’m not sure if you remember this, Carson, but last year you threw for 401 yards and 6 TDs against Cleveland. So I decided that I’d wait until Monday to made a decision on you.

Well, Carson, Monday’s here, and the only decision I’ve made is that you’re a fucking pansy. Go fuck yourself.

- Ace P., Falls Church, VA

Who Else Do the People Hate?

WTF was Whisenhunt thinking playing the starters down 23 points with three minutes to go?!? He almost got Anquan killed! If Boldin misses more than a week, I might have to spring Ted Kazinsky from jail to take care of the situation.

- Joe B., Los Angeles, CA
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