Another Kind of Fantasy

For those of you who don’t already know, I recently returned from the alternate universe I like to call L.A., where I worked and tanned simultaneously (poolside Wi-Fi is a beautiful thing, people), to find that while I was gone, the rest of the world was turned upside-down. Marc Bulger was not “our quarterback” – and then he was again. The Mets...well, you know (pointing and laughing). For the first time, my mantra – “I should have gone into Finance” – no longer applies. But fear not, for Rox Hoover has figured out the cause of this cosmic upheaval, this jumbling of the time-space continuum. If you look carefully, you’ll notice that all of this began when the New England Patriots LOST to the lowly Miami Dolphins. Our fragile world cannot survive without Tom Brady! Come back, Tom! But I digress.

However, despite all of this global volatility, one thing has remained steadfast, even making some visible improvement.

The Powder Puff League. The girls are getting better.

Damn them.

I’ve been told by many a male friend that I take this fantasy football thing way too seriously. I’ve even been called “Hung,” a reference to the nasty little Asian man on Top Chef who would never share his culinary secrets with the other contestants. Well, you know what, people? Hung WON Top Chef. So what if no one liked him? I’m in it for the glory, not to recruit people for a slumber party. And glory is much easier to achieve when everyone else has no idea what the hell is going on.

Much to my dismay, the girls in the league are starting to make bye week adjustments without my prompting. And free agent backup RBs are being snatched up as soon as the starter goes down. There’s even some intelligent predictions being made, which means that these hotties who really should be out getting boys to buy mojitos for them are STAYING HOME AND READING ESPN.COM. Adios, Tim Hightower; hasta la bye-bye Le'Ron McClain. What the eff?

It’s not that I think these ladies are unintelligent – I just assumed they would have better things to do than troll the waiver wire on a Saturday night (like me)! But apparently we’re all slowly turning into harpees who swear at the TV on Monday night when our kicker goes up against our opponent’s flex to decide who wins. We put updates about our fantasy teams in our Facebook statuses. We’re intensely passionate psychotic glory hogs out for blood and bragging rights because God knows you really can’t buy a nice pair of shoes with the prize money the winner will take home. And we’re all starting to suck at it a whole lot less than last year!

Competition is a healthy thing. I can handle it. At least the girls haven’t really figured out how trades work yet – then I’d really be screwed. And so what if I dropped Deuce McAllister after Week 3 and somebody actually noticed and grabbed him? I have two dudes on my team with sports hernias who are gonna be HUGE.

TIGHTrearEND of the Week

Joe Flacco (QB – BAL) So what if you’re like 12 – Joe Flacco, you are a stone cold hottie and you went to DELAWARE. I should send a thank you card to Troy Smith for getting the flu so we could watch your hot ass on Monday Night Football.

Fantasy Advice On the Rox

Here’s who I love in Week 5:

Ricky Williams (RB – MIA) The Chargers are overrated, and since he’s bound to take a puff sooner or later, why not get the most out of him now?

Reggie Brown (WR – PHI) Six receptions for 79 yards in his first game back – I’m fairly certain that’s more than he had all last year. I’d say he’s back, but that would imply that he’d shown up prior to this, so I guess he’s just arriving now.

Santana Moss (WR – WAS) In just the first four games of the season, he’s already surpassed half of his ’07 yardage total. It’s going to be a good year for one Moss at least.

Julius Jones (RB – SEA) Improving one component of the offense should improve the rest. More receivers for Hasselbeck to throw to means more time for Seattle on the right side of the ball.

Here’s who I hate in Week 5:

ALL tight ends other than Jason Witten (TE – NFL) What the hell is going on this year? You’re almost better leaving the roster spot empty – at least you won’t lose points for a fumble.

Ben Roethlisberger (QB – PIT) On average, Ben’s been throwing fewer than 20 times per game, so he hasn’t been lighting it up lately. He might start throwing it more now that the Steelers are out of options in the backfield, but I think that the pressure’s going to get to him this week against Jacksonville.