Each week, our scouts gather together to share their observations on the most noteworthy Sunday performances. Unfortunately, after heavily investing in an MLS franchise, we had to can them all. In their place are Black Irish, Bruno, Lafayette Gold, Marble Ryan, Michael J. Cox, Mr. T, The Slow Eater, Steve Stevens, and Torry Hallelujah, who let us know what they took away from the Week 5 action.Lafayette Gold: I’m not dead yet, bro... If Eli connects with Toomer for a couple of TDs tonight, I am back in biz. It’s definitely possible. Also, I can't believe the Bucs vs. Panthers defense is the difference here in my game with Torry. 21-0…ouch!
Mr. T: Dude, your chances of making this comeback are probably around 10-15%. News of the day is that Hasselbeck might not be back anytime soon. Apparently he needs more exams on his knee.
Lafayette Gold: Charlie Frye for MVP!
Mr. T: Good thing Berman picked the Seahawks to win the Super Bowl. I guess they're not a fan of leather. It seems like Seneca Wallace would get the nod next week if he's healthy. It's still kinda amazing how bad some of the back-up QBs are in this league. The funny part is that even if Julius Jones takes a fantasy downgrade because the Seattle passing game sucks, it doesn't look that bad off for that trade Steve Stevens and Bruno made last week. (ed. Steve Stevens traded Randy Moss to Bruno for Julius Jones before Week 6) Moss may never catch for 100 yards again this year with the way Cassel looked last night. I say we fully elect the Blondie’s hostess to pick the Marble Ryan Lock of the Week. Not only did she say to take the Chargers, but she liked the under too. Without the parlay, Marble would be down three times the vig through 6 weeks.
Michael J. Cox: That hostess knew way way too much about gambling for me. It was almost uncomfortable. Anytime a girl can give you 5+ spreads and 5+ over/unders off the top of her head there's a problem. I’ve never met a girl like that outside of the Las Vegas city limits. That conversation was almost surreal.
Mr. T: Most girls I know don't touch gambling and the few that do are more about poker or blackjack. I've never seen anything like it.
Torry Hallelujah: And the thing is, she has the right blend of knowledge and total stupidity to make her an incredible gambler. I have no doubt that she could out-pick everyone at our table.
Marble Ryan: My record’s not terrific, but having more correct picks than duds should let me keep my job. I don't want to rely on the hostess mostly because I really didn't enjoy talking to her yesterday. She's a strange person. Last night, I simply underestimated how bad Matt Cassel is, which is the same mistake made by the entire Pats front office, putting me in pretty good company, I’d say. I can't recall ever seeing Tom Brady go four and out at the goal line, even in his first year...his value has really been solidified this season.
Torry Hallelujah: Did you guys hear Al Michaels calling the last play of the game? Pats were down by a ton but called a timeout so they could throw into the end zone from the Chargers 15 or 20 yard line. “A certain portion of our audience is very interested in the outcome of this play.” And then, after the pass fell incomplete: “Well, it’s over...in one sense, but not the other.”
Mr. T: Yeah, I definitely heard that. I made a point of IMing someone to point it out. I knew the over was on the line. Me vs. the waitress...and she won...How about the 3 best QBs through 6 weeks...Rodgers, Rivers, And Brees. We definitely didn't see that coming? RBs go Portis, Bush, and Gore. Bush is on pace for those 20 TDs, but the guy can't run the ball for shit. 3.1 yards a carry? WTF IS THAT?!?
Michael J. Cox: By the way, Gmail just associated an ad for this site with our conversation. This probably isn't a good thing: http://www.dorseylevensreport.com
Mr. T: Breaking news: Romo’s out four weeks with a broken pinky. This has such a crazy fantasy impact. Everyone is downgraded. TO can't go long because Johnson doesn't have the arm. Witten was Romo's favorite target. Barber and Jones probably see less running room. And I've got Romo in 3 of 6 leagues. I have to decide between the likes of Kerry Collins, Gus Ferotte, and Matt Ryan going forward if I don't wanna deal with Johnson. Yikes!
Bruno: Anyone want to trade for him? I’m done – looks like Jamarcus Russell better step it up.
Michael J. Cox: What are the odds of a major TO & Brad Johnson dust up? Are they even taking those bets in Vegas?
Mr. T: Check out this from Rotoworld.com: Jay Cutler told The Sporting News that he has "a stronger arm than John (Elway), hands down. I'll bet on it against anybody's in the league," he said. "Brett Favre's got a cannon. But on game days, there's nobody in the league who's going to throw it harder than I am." Cutler also called Denver the favorite to win the AFC.
Steve Stevens: Is that the kind of cockiness you like or dislike from your QB?
Mr. T: Doesn't it remind you of this? http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2006/11/f-k-it-im-throwing-it-downfield.html
The Slow Eater: Also, I think Cutler is getting a little insecure about now being considered the #2 QB in the Chefs organization and felt the need to overcompensate by making that statement. Nonetheless, we encourage vocal confidence among our players, provided that they back it up on the field, and don't talk lots of shit and then go out and suck, or, as it's known in the Chefs locker room "pulling a Chad Johnson."
Mr. T: Since I always break the news: Dungy just admitted Manning had a second surgery on his knee in the offseason.
Michael J. Cox: Interesting. I remember before their first game they zoomed in on his knee during warm-ups and I thought it looked like the scar was a little big for a bursa sac surgery. This would make sense.
Mr. T: Little big for a bursa sac surgery? You been interning with Dr. James Andrews? And I got heckled for making hamstring comments a few weeks ago?? You're the guy that refuses to have surgery on a knee that has at least one torn ligament in there.
Michael J. Cox: Easy pal. Thanks to the geniuses who design majors at UF, I had to take numerous AT & medical science courses as part of my core track of courses, so this is actually something I have experience with. For one course we watched upwards of 20 knee surgery videos and then had to identify them for the final based on a short summary clip and before/after photos. In other words, when Dr. James Andrews retires I'll be taking over his practice.
Marble Ryan: Whatever, he's cured. Now it's time to go after Brady's record. Peyton is angry, my friends!
Mr. T: Like an old man trying to send soup back at a deli…
Black Irish: This is entirely unrelated, but I'd just like to point out that David Akers gave me more point production than AD and Wes Welker combined this week. Oy. I'm bracing myself for comments from Mr. T re: the Harrison/Anvil trade. (Ed. Mr. T traded Jamal Lewis, Marvin Harrison, and Kevin Walter to Michael J. Cox for Lee Evans and Darren McFadden before Week 6 in a widely debated deal.)
Mr. T: This is the only quote I need:
MichaelJCox: If I somehow make the playoffs it could be directly tied to this trade. I would definitely have lost this week.
Michael J. Cox: Yeah, and if Jamal somehow manages to win me the $20 tonight I think you can officially close the book on the bad trade argument. A much needed W plus a weekly winner? That = results....
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