Cousin Bowser

Owner: Cousin Bowser
Team: Cousin Bowser

Cousin Bowser arrived in the U.S. in 1984 as a young, portly boy with a thick Italian accent. He was spotted roaming the streets of lower Manhattan by a wealthy prospector and self-styled fitness guru named Branford Kunkefeller III, who convinced the lad to give up the pasta and marinara sauce for a steady diet of meatballs, sausage casing and carbonated olive oil, turning him into a true Italian strongman. The two had a falling out over the carb content of a cannoli; they haven't spoken since.

After a middling career in mixed martial arts, Cousin Bowser earned an MBA from Waynesboro State University (Online). Currently unemployed, he spends his days posting deals on the popular bargain-hunting site www.slickdeals.net. His most recent find, a Dell Inspiron notebook for $3 after rebate when purchased with a 16 oz. package of beef jerky and the complete Mama's Family DVD set, was designated by site user Selma as "front page for sure."