Draft 2008: Love and Hate, Part 2

Love: Thomas Jones, RB New York Jets

The Jets offense was bad last year. Watching them play felt something like what Steve Carrell experienced during the filming of that body wax scene from The 40 Year Old Virgin. But now it’s another 40-year-old who will give the Jets offense a Beyonce-level upgrade. Replacing Pennington and Clemens with Brett Favre is like going from Amy Winehouse to Catherine Zeta-Jones. CZJ is probably not at her peak, but she’s still a hell of a lot more appealing than the younger option. And you can think of the O-line retooling as some nice tight pants to accentuate the ass that ducked under those laser beams in Entrapment. But the real winner in all of this is Thomas Jones. I figure that at least an improvement over last season’s touchdown count (1) is a given, and TJ’s yardage will improve because they’ll be a better team and will be running the ball more often in the second half. If he offered you 1,300 yards and 8 TDs, is that something you’d be interested in?

Hate: Antonio Gates, TE San Diego Chargers

You’re in college and you walk into a party. You look around the room and see plenty of cute girls, but one stands out. She has a great face, a low-cut top that puts some size in your face, and some nice stems. Of course, she’s surrounded by guys, and you’re left to wonder how you could even get close enough to talk to her.

So you start asking some of your friends about her. You find out that she’s coming off back surgery and wears a metal brace underneath her shirt. The boobs that look so great with all the support look more like flapjacks when they’re allowed to roam free. And that tube of moisturizer she carries in her purse is actually used to treat those cold sores that pop up every few months.

That’s Antonio Gates. He’s coming off toe surgery and now he finally has a #1 WR (Chris Chambers) to compete with for touches. It’s doubtful that he’ll ever reach 13 TDs or 1,000 yards receiving again. Do yourself a favor and wait till later in the draft to pick up your TE—there are bargains to be had. They might not stop traffic at first glance like Gates, but they’re productive and STD-free. Plus, by avoiding Gates you can use your 4th round pick to strengthen your receiving corps or pick up that 3rd RB for the flex.

Sleeper Love: Rashard Mendenhall
Good offense + goal line carries = sleeper stud.

Sleeper Hate: Chris Johnson, RB Tennessee Titans
See Henry, Chris.