"The Line Up" with The Lieutenant

Watching Brett Favre play quarterback for the Jets might lead you to call Captain Wango for some extra ganj. I’ll give you a pass for now, but don’t let me catch you doing it again. Otherwise we’re shipping you up to the Federal Penitentiary in Quahog. Enjoy the ol’ pound me in the ass prison. Giggity.

Pineapple Express

- After issuing last week’s rap sheet, Santonio Holmes got caught outside of Mellon Arena with a couple of blunts. Holmes’ SUV was mistaken for another vehicle supposedly carrying “a large amount of narcotics.” The S.O.B was at the wrong place at the wrong time, but brother should’ve gotten himself some in-state plates! I guess he didn’t realize people actually go to Penguins games now. Maybe Sid the Kid supplied an assist for the 5-0. But with the team suspension out of the way, Holmes should be a safe play for the rest of the season. Since Holmes has stayed clean since his assault charge of '06, the league won’t drop the hammer until everything flows through the courts. Over the rest of the season, I expect him to put up numbers on par with last year.

- Deuce McAllister must have himself confused with my 15-year-old daughter. Feeling like he needed to lose a deuce or ten after his knee surgery, McAllister took a weight loss supplement that also serves as a masking agent. Deuce, if you feel like you need to “freshen,” just give me a heads up. As George Costanza once said, “I’m concerned — I’m paying for those meals!” The suspension appeals apparently aren’t being heard until mid-November, which means Deuce is in the clear in the short term. After the Saints’ Week 9 bye, he’s got primetime matchups against Atlanta and KC. You might want to nab Pierre Thomas as a little insurance, though. Reggie Bush should return by the time Deuce gets put on lockdown.

Chris Henry Watch

Have you seen that Cincinnati offense? That shit is fucking depressing. You’ll need a few qualudes just to watch their games. And while you’re on that shit, don’t be cracked up enough to pickup Chris Henry. The only thing he’s got at is taking the new stereo out of your new Mazda M6.

I Got Effed Auto-drafting on Yahoo

I’m almost ready to give up on my fantasy season. Shit has gotten so bad that Curly over in Cell Block D beat me last week. If he weren’t behind bars for the next 70 years for killing his wife, I might care.

Week 8 Total:

QB: Ingle Martin (0 pts) – Quinn Gray passed him on the depth chart this week. Fuck!

RB: Pierre Thomas (2 pts) – Hope Sean Payton enjoyed his crumpets…

RB: Adrian Peterson (0 pts) – I still can’t believe I drafted the wrong fucking Adrian Peterson.

WR: Brandon Middletown (0 pts) – Why me?

WR: Early Doucet (0 pts) – Dude’s only catch got him an STD.

RB/WR: John Paul Foschi (0 pts) Herm, seriously! Look to Foschi to ice the game.

TE: Anthony Becht (0 pts) – At least the Jets drafted a franchise QB that year.

D: St. Louis (7 pts) – Didn’t they realize Matt Cassel licks ball sack?!?

K: Nick Novack (0 pts) – When you can’t make a 39-yard FG, you get cut.

This Day in Fantasy Football: October 30, 1995

When Richard Richards refused to trade Eric Metcalf to Billy Murphy in their fifth grade fantasy football league, Murphy put some pubic hair in Richards’ mashed potatoes. Unfortunately, the worst was yet to come for Richards, as Murphy was the proud owner of pubic lice. Upon digesting the mashed potatoes, Richards passed out and hit his head on the table. The head injuries were so severe that Richards was unable to make adjustments to his starting lineup for Week 9 and eventually missed the playoffs by half a game.