I’m not even angry with you this morning, LenDale White. No, no – if anything, I’m impressed. I mean, how often is it that you see a legitimately obese person tear apart an NFL defense to the tune of 149 yards and three scores? It’s a once in a generation event, and if it means my fantasy team has to take an L for me to see it, well, that’s just fine with me.How your chubby legs were able to churn hard enough to carry you past the Chiefs defenders on that hilarious 80-yard TD run, I’ll never know. Frankly, I was waiting for Arrowhead Stadium to be engulfed in the flames resulting from the friction generated by your sausage-like legs rubbing together.
Not since Jerome Bettis1 toted the rock for the Steelers has a fat guy made as many athletic, speedy defenders look foolish. And before the Bus, you’d have to go all the way back to Natrone Means or Marion Butts to find such a blend of speed, power, and corpulence.
So here’s to you, LenDale White, lover of refined carbohydrates and connoisseur of smorgasbords. You’re what this culture has been missing for so long: a graceful fat man, a Jackie Gleason for these modern NFL times.
That said, if TJ Duckett goes for 200 yards and 2 TDs next week, I’m going to advocate putting an asterisk to these totals until we can test the nation’s twinkie supply for performance enhancers.
- Andy T., New Brunswick, NJ
1 Something I learned from the coverage leading up to Super Bowl XL: Jerome Bettis grew up in Detroit.
Who Else Do the People Hate?
Peyton Manning is fucking terrible. When did Eli become the better performing brother? What kind of bizarro world are we living in where Eli has a better passer rating than Peyton? Peyton is throwing picks for TDs and looking like straight dog shit. His performance on Sunday cost my team the win and felt like a shot to the nuts.
- Nick W., Philadelphia, PA
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