"The Line Up" with The Lieutenant

Every Thursday, we'll be bringing you "The Line Up" with The Lieutenant, the head of law enforcement here at Rex Grossman headquarters. Raised by his hard-drinking father to believe that ridicule and justice go hand in hand, The Lieutenant will give you a weekly rundown of all the assault, drug, and shitting-in-a-laundry-basket charges filed against the players who populate your fantasy teams.

I abandoned you last week, and for this I’m deeply sorry. You see, Eric Mangini was calling my plays, and he figured you guys for Thomas Jones and the running game last week. Now I’m back after an extra helping of turkey and Schlitz. That last one always goes down a little rough…

The Gunslinger

- Oh no, I’m not talking about quarterbacks with that headline. I’m talking about that assclown Plaxico Burress, who felt a little fidgety after an extra stiff glass of Remy Martin. He likes himself a quick trigger, so his gloc doesn’t have the standard safety. It’s some AFL2 quality shit, where the safety is on the trigger. Maybe he needs to take his kid to school more so he can get educated. After poppin’ himself in the leg with an unregistered gun, Burress will have plenty of time to harass his wife over the rest of the season. Plax, you’re making about 7 million a season — invest in some private security, my man! Then your dumb ass won’t have to worry about your inferior weapon and your impeccable timing. Like the Giants, I’d move quickly to replace Plax on your roster with Domenik Hixon. He’ll run all of Plax’s routes and he’ll strike deeper than the bullet that traveled through Burress’ thigh. That faceoff against the Cowboys in Week 15 looks might appetizing to me. Hold on, I think I need another Schlitz…

Where My Dawgs At?

Michael Vick took some time off from making $0.12 an hour washing my dishes to attend court in Virginia. He pled guilty to dog fighting charges and then hopped his ass back to the Midwest. You see, Ron Mexico used to have some good mobility in the pocket, but he can’t seem to hit a pair of pocket aces to save his life in our poker game. He keeps pissing away that five bucks he makes a day to us every Thursday night. Not too many QB1s run like Prisoner 08375 did, but there are a few out there with some wheels. Aaron Rodgers leads the way with four rushing TDs. He sees a nice finishing schedule with Houston, Jacksonville, Chicago, and Detroit. While he’s probably a start in most one QB leagues anyways, Brett Favre’s former caddy has multiple TDs in his last three games. That’ll pay out more than $0.12 an hour.

I’ll also throw a bone to RexGrossmanIsOurQuarterback.com favorite Tyler Thigpen. While we won’t be ordering up Michael Johnson’s gold shoes anytime soon, I’d really like to own him in the week 15 game vs. San Diego. Maybe I can trade some of these rehabbed dogs to acquire him.

Chris Henry Watch

Chris Henry took the week off, literally. The site of the Bengals sends my son into shock so I was unable to see the game, but Henry dropped a fat zero on the box score. I guess he wanted to show his loyalty to former college teammate Pacman Jones.

I Got Effed Auto-drafting on Yahoo!

It seems like the boys couldn’t get their act together over Thanksgiving

Week 13 Totals:

QB: Colt Brennan (0 pts) – Maybe Plax should’ve hung out with this useless colt instead of his own.

RB: Pierre Thomas (11 pts) – The P-Train is unstoppable. Allons-y, motherfucker.

RB: Olaniyi Sobomehin (0 pts) – He fled the country.

WR: Chaz Schilens (0 pts) – Chaz is a wack-ass bitch.

WR: Jabar Gaffney (0 pts) – Jabar needs to call up Toyota.

RB/WR: Joshua Cribbs (0 pts) – He must’ve been watching the Pick-up Artist.

TE: Ben Hartsock (0 pts) – Mel Gibson can’t sock some hart into this asshole.

D: St. Louis (3 pts) – Marc Bulger can eat a dick.

K: Jeff Reed (15 pts) – It doesn’t matter the flavor because Skippy always delivers.

This Day in Fantasy Football: December 04, 1978

After losing his Week 13 game because of a missed extra point, Richard Weinstein unloaded his handgun into his right leg. The bullet went right through and clipped his dog Rufus in the ear. Devastated that he had mistakenly shot his dog, Weinstein fired again towards his other leg, missed, and put a bullet through his television.

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"The Line Up" with The Lieutenant

Every Thursday, we'll be bringing you "The Line Up" with The Lieutenant, the head of law enforcement here at Rex Grossman headquarters. Raised by his hard-drinking father to believe that ridicule and justice go hand in hand, The Lieutenant will give you a weekly rundown of all the assault, drug, and shitting-in-a-laundry-basket charges filed against the players who populate your fantasy teams.

It’s been a pretty rough week at headquarters. Vai Sikahema’s third cousin and his boys got a little out of hand at my birthday party on Monday. I guess that’s what happens when you hand out too many party favors. Thankfully, we’ve had a few days to wind down and I can get back to focusing on the gift that keeps on giving, horse tranquilizers…er, fantasy football.

Out of the closet

- Adam “Pacman” Jones was reinstated by the league on Wednesday. Let me repeat, Adam “Pacman” Jones was reinstated by the league on Wednesday. While my boy Marcus Vick continues to be refused entry by Goodell and his thugs, this numbnut gets more chances than Donovan McNabb did for five quarters against the Cincinnati secondary. Pacman asks to be called his birth name of Adam instead of his more commonly used name “Pacman.” I’ve decided to completely ignore his request. This dude is a fucking felon. He will forever be referred to as Pacman. You know it’s only a few months until one of his boys is unloading his handgun on Tiara over at King’s Cabaret on Market Center Boulevard. What will get some respect from me these days is the Cowboys offense. Now that Tony Romo’s feminine Jessica Simpson tinged fingers are back slinging the pigskin, we finally have fantasy viability in Big D. The Cowboys have a really nice schedule over the next two weeks with San Francisco and Seattle. Start all your Cowboys (Tony Romo, Marian Barber, Terrell Owens, Jason Witten, and even Roy Williams) over the next two weeks. After that, you’re on your own. Games against Pittsburgh, the Giants, and Baltimore should have fantasy owners running for the border.

While we’re on the topic of Tony Romo, ESPN reported that the Dallas Quarterback treated a homeless man to a movie-if this is not some Tom Cruise and John Travolta back alley shit, I don’t know what is:

“The man, who goes by Doc, was outside a theater in in Dallas when a man came up and offered to pay his way to see a movie. Planning on passing out fliers for a consignment store across the street, Doc declined. But then he realized that he had just turned down Romo.

He ran across the street, asked for the day off and ran back to the theater. Romo and Doc ended up sitting together watching the movie "Role Model." Doc told the newspaper that he informed Romo that he hadn't showered in days.

"Don't worry about that," Romo said, according to the newspaper. "I'm used to locker rooms."

I bet you are Tony and while you’re at it, why don’t you run for the Idaho senate seat.

Chris Henry Watch

Unlike Donovan Mcnabb, Mr. Henry actually knew there were ties in the regular season. And what did he do about it? Chris showed up with a big Sunday afternoon showing against the powerful Eagles by providing only one catch for eight yards while spreading the gospel that the game would go til we had a winner. Henry remains completely worthless as a fantasy presence.

I Got Effed Auto-drafting on Yahoo!

My team broke out this week with their first win of the year. Motherfuckers were playing like they were out on bail.

Week 11 Totals:

QB: Colt Brennan (0 pts) – Yes we can, motherfucker.

RB: Pierre Thomas (19 pts) – The P-Train was rumbling this weekend. Oui oui, motherfucker.

RB: Olaniyi Sobomehin (0 pts) – Barack is taking down Guantanamo, motherfucker.

WR: Chaz Schilens (0 pts) – This dude needs to schill out and get me some points, motherfucker.

WR: Jabar Gaffney (16 pts) – Matt Cassel, motherfucker

RB/WR: Joshua Cribbs (6 pts) – Dean Winters’ house in this week’s episode, motherfucker.

TE: Ben Hartsock (0 pts) – This guy clearly has no hart, motherfucker.

D: St. Louis (2 pts) – Bring back Mike Martz, motherfucker.

K: Jeff Reed (10 pts) – Skippy, motherfucker.

This Day in Fantasy Football: November 20, 1929

The Chicago Cardinals lost to the Green Bay Packers 12-0 and Stan Flumingus of Topeka, KS lost his last remaining $20 after losing all of his money in the great depression.
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"The Line Up" with The Lieutenant

In anticipation of tonight’s Patriots-Jets affair, I’m headed up to Foxboro to provide extra police detail. Those fucking Massholes can’t keep their shit together. Once they feel the wrath of my right cross, they’ll have a new meaning for the words wicked hard.

Drunken disorderly conduct

- It was another light week in terms of NFL misdemeanors. If this keeps up, I might have to join the Mounties. Once again, however, the fans stepped up. At last week’s Vikings game, my cousin Rico had to put a Vikings fan on the deck when he mouthed off after flipping the bird to a bunch of Packers fans. I thought only the trash in Philly was that ignorant. This was after Rico kept a drunk 25-year old out of the stadium following his vomit job all over his Adrian Peterson jersey. You can’t disgrace such a fine jersey like that. Peterson has a somewhat difficult affair against Tampa this week, but his game against Jacksonville next week is troublesome in name only. Watching him take on Detroit, Arizona, and Atlanta during fantasy playoff times will have you throwing em back like that Vikes fan. Just don’t puke on me after the game or you’ll discover what it’s like to have a size 15 imprinted on your left ass cheek.

Slow your role

- Back in March, Albert Haynesworth was caught doing 103 in a 70 zone. Since reading comprehension is not a part of the Wonderlic test, Albert must’ve missed the sign as he breezed through in his Escalade. On December 9th, he’ll have his case reviewed. The judge will use index cards to illustrate that 103 - 70 = 33 miles faster that your fat ass should be driving. Haynesworth alibi is that he dropped a Twinkie in his lap and lost track of his speed. While I’m not sure if Twinkie charges more than 100 an hour, I am sure that the Titans have stayed out of the law’s way since Adam Jones left town. This has led to attention being paid to productive players like Chris Johnson, LenDale White, and Bo Scaife. Scaife is on pace for 74 catches and a fat new contract at season’s end. Considering the lack of skill at the TE position these days, you could do a lot worth than Scaife down the stretch. He’s got plenty of friendly match-ups before Pittsburgh in Week 16.

Chris Henry Watch

During his bye week Henry tried to suck up to new quarterback Ryan Fitzgerald my introducing him to his dealer, Blonde Bomber Battaglia. If Henry sees enough balls this week to make Rupert Everett happy, you’ll know Battaglia provided his best prime slice.

I Got Effed Auto-drafting on Yahoo!

Without a chance of making the playoffs, the best I can hope for is to play spoiler. Three-fingered Mike didn’t know what hit him last week. But that was only after his team destroyed me and I laid him out with my sjambok.

Week 10 Totals:

QB: Colt Brennan (0 pts) – Ah fuck. I really need to stay off the Torry Hallelujah bye week plan.

RB: Pierre Thomas (2 pts) – That’s right Pierre. You fucking show ‘em.

RB: Olaniyi Sobomehin (0 pts) – His brother Benjanyi was picked up this week, but he wasn’t the 21st bomber either.

WR: Chaz Schilens (0 pts) – Al Davis threatened to send him to Vietnam.

WR: Jabar Gaffney (4 pts) – It’s amazing what a handful of ejaculate can do for a man.

RB/WR: Joshua Cribbs (4 pts) – Soon Russell Simmons will want to check his shit out.

TE: Ben Hartsock (0 pts) – I’m still trying to shave down my Hartsock.

D: St. Louis (0 pts) – Ain’t got nothing on my J-E-T-S.

K: Jeff Reed (9 pts) – Skippy kept his wang nice and straight this week.

This Day in Fantasy Football: November 13, 1908

Stuck in Altoona, PA for the weekend, Walter Hendrickson found himself unable to make any changes to his roster. When he returned home, he discovered his neighbor Henry inches deep in his wife. Afraid for his life, Henry screamed out that he had adjusted Walter’s fantasy lineup because he was away, which led to a playoff clinching victory. Walter allowed Henry to continue to plow his wife until climax before taking out his shotgun and ending his life.

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"The Line Up" with The Lieutenant

Precinct favorite Herm Edwards once said “you play to win the game.” After his coaching display against the Jets and Buccaneers in the last two weeks, I ought to slap him with a DUI for driving that bus right into a brick wall. Unfortunately we couldn’t get to the scene of the crime as we were busy at the ol’ precinct this week dealing with that miscreant Leigh Steinberg - when we found him he was just like a newborn puppy pissing all over the place. It seems he needed a few drinks after realizing Matt Leinart will only get to that second contract if he joins an underage beer funneling league. At least Leigh’s still got Mark Brunell.

Make it Dirty

- Not too much debauchery going on in the NFL last week - although with the Cowboys and Bengals on bye weeks we might report next week on the Cedric Benson/Tank Johnson gangbang. All of you boaters on the Ohio River - you were forewarned.

Thankfully for this column, some NFL fans filled the incarceration void. Get this - a couple was arrested last Sunday during the Buffalo game. The Bills put on such a miserable performance that the couple decided to spend some time together in the ladies’ restroom. After being caught and resisting arrest, the couple, which was caught in the act of slapping around some greasy buffalo wings, was eventually charged with three misdemeanors. At least someone from Buffalo was able to find the end zone. How might this affect Buffalo this week and what about the Bills scoring options? Marshawn Lynch should have a productive second half of the year despite the hangover that kept him out during parts of last week’s game. He should find the end zone plenty during games against Cleveland, Kansas City, San Francisco, Miami, and Denver down the stretch.

Snowjob

- Travis Henry got picked up a month ago for cocaine trafficking, but he’s denied the whole thing. Henry took time off from impregnating the backwoods of Montana to take over Michael Irvin’s clientele after Irvin became employed at a local Dallas radio show. Denver’s backfield has never recovered since. While Henry sits comfortably numb, Ryan “making it” Torain has stepped up to take the reins of the Denver Running Back Situation. Without any healthy bodies, Torain should see 20 carries this week. The man with the 4.6 40-time should not be an automatic start unless it’s necessary. The Najeh Davenport dump-and-stash philosophy should be followed until he shows production.

Chris Henry Watch

Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson stepped up for the Bengals last week, but Henry wasn’t able to join the party. Feeling the effects from an all night rager at Adonis on Kellogg Ave, Henry was winding down from a couple smacks of heroin to produce another crappy week. If you still have Henry, sell his ass for a nice bowl of Skyline chili.

I Got Effed Auto-drafting on Yahoo

After engaging in a golden shower with Leigh Steinberg, I decided to make some changes to the roster. Unless I grab some weekly winners between now and the end of the season, I’ll have to call Travis Henry.

Week 9 Total:

QB: Colt Brennan (0 pts) – I took a chance with the dude named after my dog. Damn…

RB: Pierre Thomas (0 pts) – Ah shit, he was on a bye. Megan Fox can back me up

RB: Olaniyi Sobomehin (0 pts) – I thought I had picked up the 21st hijacker until I realized this dude actually played in the NFL

WR: Chaz Schilens (0 pts) – He was supposed to emerge. Fuck Jamarcus Russell!

WR: Jabar Gaffney (0 pts) – Edward Scissorhands catches better

RB/WR: Joshua Cribbs (6 pts) MTV stylin’ – my boy!
TE: Ben Hartsock (0 pts) – Hartsock sounds like a nice blunt I can use to strike Leigh Steinberg
D: St. Louis (0 pts) – Kurt Warner owes me a beer.

K: Jeff Reed (4 pts) – Skippy-take some time off from showing your wang and learn how to kick

This Day in Fantasy Football: November 6, 1978

After dominating a bowl of chili at Skippy’s in East Lansing, Jon Novartis had to run for the can. While squirting out something that looked like Abe Lincoln’s left testicle, Roy Gerela knocked a game winning FG for the Steelers pushing Jon’s team to victory. It took Jon another hour and a half before he was done pushing and when he got back, his buddy Fred Feriola punched him in the face as he had just beaten him in fantasy football for the week thanks to the field goal.
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"The Line Up" with The Lieutenant

Watching Brett Favre play quarterback for the Jets might lead you to call Captain Wango for some extra ganj. I’ll give you a pass for now, but don’t let me catch you doing it again. Otherwise we’re shipping you up to the Federal Penitentiary in Quahog. Enjoy the ol’ pound me in the ass prison. Giggity.

Pineapple Express

- After issuing last week’s rap sheet, Santonio Holmes got caught outside of Mellon Arena with a couple of blunts. Holmes’ SUV was mistaken for another vehicle supposedly carrying “a large amount of narcotics.” The S.O.B was at the wrong place at the wrong time, but brother should’ve gotten himself some in-state plates! I guess he didn’t realize people actually go to Penguins games now. Maybe Sid the Kid supplied an assist for the 5-0. But with the team suspension out of the way, Holmes should be a safe play for the rest of the season. Since Holmes has stayed clean since his assault charge of '06, the league won’t drop the hammer until everything flows through the courts. Over the rest of the season, I expect him to put up numbers on par with last year.

- Deuce McAllister must have himself confused with my 15-year-old daughter. Feeling like he needed to lose a deuce or ten after his knee surgery, McAllister took a weight loss supplement that also serves as a masking agent. Deuce, if you feel like you need to “freshen,” just give me a heads up. As George Costanza once said, “I’m concerned — I’m paying for those meals!” The suspension appeals apparently aren’t being heard until mid-November, which means Deuce is in the clear in the short term. After the Saints’ Week 9 bye, he’s got primetime matchups against Atlanta and KC. You might want to nab Pierre Thomas as a little insurance, though. Reggie Bush should return by the time Deuce gets put on lockdown.

Chris Henry Watch

Have you seen that Cincinnati offense? That shit is fucking depressing. You’ll need a few qualudes just to watch their games. And while you’re on that shit, don’t be cracked up enough to pickup Chris Henry. The only thing he’s got at is taking the new stereo out of your new Mazda M6.

I Got Effed Auto-drafting on Yahoo

I’m almost ready to give up on my fantasy season. Shit has gotten so bad that Curly over in Cell Block D beat me last week. If he weren’t behind bars for the next 70 years for killing his wife, I might care.

Week 8 Total:

QB: Ingle Martin (0 pts) – Quinn Gray passed him on the depth chart this week. Fuck!

RB: Pierre Thomas (2 pts) – Hope Sean Payton enjoyed his crumpets…

RB: Adrian Peterson (0 pts) – I still can’t believe I drafted the wrong fucking Adrian Peterson.

WR: Brandon Middletown (0 pts) – Why me?

WR: Early Doucet (0 pts) – Dude’s only catch got him an STD.

RB/WR: John Paul Foschi (0 pts) Herm, seriously! Look to Foschi to ice the game.

TE: Anthony Becht (0 pts) – At least the Jets drafted a franchise QB that year.

D: St. Louis (7 pts) – Didn’t they realize Matt Cassel licks ball sack?!?

K: Nick Novack (0 pts) – When you can’t make a 39-yard FG, you get cut.

This Day in Fantasy Football: October 30, 1995

When Richard Richards refused to trade Eric Metcalf to Billy Murphy in their fifth grade fantasy football league, Murphy put some pubic hair in Richards’ mashed potatoes. Unfortunately, the worst was yet to come for Richards, as Murphy was the proud owner of pubic lice. Upon digesting the mashed potatoes, Richards passed out and hit his head on the table. The head injuries were so severe that Richards was unable to make adjustments to his starting lineup for Week 9 and eventually missed the playoffs by half a game.
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"The Line Up" with The Lieutenant

Every Thursday, we'll be bringing you "The Line Up" with The Lieutenant, the head of law enforcement here at Rex Grossman headquarters. Raised by his hard-drinking father to believe that ridicule and justice go hand in hand, The Lieutenant will give you a weekly rundown of all the assault, drug, and shitting-in-a-laundry-basket charges filed against the players who populate your fantasy teams.

After spending the last three weeks on a sting operation to catch Nate Newton’s nephew’s cocaine cartel, I’m back and ready to rough up all these clowns who have been actin’ up. In honor of Herm Edwards’ return to New York, we’ll try to help you get a win this week (because Herm has no shot unless the Jets have re-hired his old time management coach).

Fresh Meat

- It seems like Larry Johnson is taking Usher’s words to heart: he tried to make love in the club, only he forgot to ask the girl’s permission first. Feeling spurned, LJ assaulted the girl and threatened to kill her boyfriend. Unfortunately, Maurice Clarett was in jail and couldn’t provide the necessary weaponry. LJ missed last week’s game, was suspended again by the team this week, and could face future discipline. It almost seems as if the Chiefs want nothing to do with him. In the meantime, you’ll want to stash Jamaal Charles over Kolby Smith because Charles has more burst. If you’re really looking for a replacement, get the hell out of the Kansas City backfield and invest in BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Aaron Stecker, or Maurice Morris. If Johnson ever steps to me, I might have to put him on the floor.

- If you remember, this past offseason Matt Jones was arrested after police found him in a parked car allegedly trying to cut cocaine with his Discover card. No wonder there’s a credit crisis. After Jones recently enrolled in a drug treatment program, it was rumored that he’d likely be suspended by the league for three games. Now NFL Network’s Adam Schefter is reporting Jones will be available this weekend against Cleveland. While you can never trust a stiff named Adam, the Browns provide a good opportunity for Jones, so start him if he plays. Look for Mike Walker or the overpaid Jerry Porter to take over his targets once the suspension starts.

Chris Henry Watch

When Roger Goodell recently asked Henry if he should be worried about him, Henry responded, “He ain't going to have any problems with Chris Henry." You have a problem if you’re counting on Henry helping you as long as his quarterback is Ryan Fitzpatrick. Drop Henry as quickly as Najeh Davenport dropped his feces in that girl’s hamper.

I got Effed Auto-drafting on Yahoo

My fucking fantasy team is getting destroyed this year. Not only am I losing to those two girls at the precinct, our damned K-9 beat me last week.

Week 7 Total:

QB: Ingle Martin (0 pts) - Ingle’s actually close to the field with all these injuries in KC.

RB: Pierre Thomas (0 pts) – He’ll shine now that Bush is out.
RB: Adrian Peterson (0 pts) – I can’t believe I drafted the wrong fucking Adrian Peterson.

WR: Brandon Middletown (0 pts) – Who?

WR: Early Doucet (0 pts) – And now Boldin is back…

RB/WR: John Paul Foschi (0 pts) Herm get this motherfucker the rock!

TE: Anthony Becht (0 pts) – I’m still waiting for that first round potential.

D: St. Louis (12 pts) – Nice! Long live Brad Johnson

K: Nick Novack (1 pts) – Seriously, dude can’t make a 39-yard field goal??

This Day in Fantasy Football: October 23, 1977

After roughing up three cops, two waitresses and a hooker at McFadden’s in Minneapolis, Chuck Foreman spent the night in the drunk tank. After getting out, he rumbled for 80 yards and 2 TDs against Green Bay to show that he’s an unstoppable force. What he didn’t realize is that all three cops were facing him in fantasy football that week. Upon returning to McFadden’s, Foreman was taken into the back alley, tasered, and beaten with 2x4s.
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"The Line Up" with The Lieutenant

Every Thursday afternoon, we'll be bringing you "The Line Up" with The Lieutenant, the head of law enforcement here at Rex Grossman headquarters. Raised by his hard-drinking father to believe that ridicule and justice go hand in hand, The Lieutenant will give you a weekly rundown of all the assault, drug, and shitting-in-a-laundry-basket charges filed against the players who populate your fantasy teams.

Unlike the New York Jets pass rush, Week 4 is quickly approaching and here's my take on how to prepare your team for the first bye week of the season…giggity.

Wide Receivers actin’ up

- It took Plax exactly 20 days to turn back into the team player we all knew he was. Suspended for 2 weeks, fantasy owners are going to take a serious hit. In the meantime you might want to pick up Lance Moore or Brandon Lloyd. At least the matter was resolved as the most reliable individual in the game, Drew Rosenhaus stated that a now resolved family matter had kept Plax away from the team.

Does this excuse sound familiar? Why wait a second, yes, when Line Up favorite and Rosenhaus client Terrell Owens missed mandatory camp last June because of a “family matter.” Oh and in 2003 when Fred Taylor missed Jags spring camp, Rosenhaus said Taylor was excused for a family matter. Instead of PUP they should just create a separate category for family matters. Seriously, Dr. Phil should be the commissioner of this league. You knew what you were getting when you drafted Plax, so you shouldn’t sell. But show the fuck up on time Plax, you’re killing my fantasy team.

- The big discussion in the precinct last weekend was about whether Brandon Marshall would shrug off his most recent run-in with the law-a misdemeanor battery charge. "There was an incident in March," Marshall said. "It's still an open case. We've been waiting six months for those charges to be filed, and it's finally here. That's what I've got Harvey Steinberg for. He's a great guy and great at what he does." What a shocker, a lawyer named Harvey Steinberg. Marshall did what any athlete usually does in the wake of a misdemeanor and in the words of Emmitt Smith said “you got blowed up” to the Saints by racking up some serious numbers.

Fantasy owners should be extremely high on Marshall even though he has a history of questionable behavior (see: assault of law enforcement officer, DUI, and the 11 calls that have been made to police from his residence since 2006). The Lineup’s favorite Marshall incident came last June when he received the notorious DWAI. Marshall was caught Driving without Auto Insurance after an “illegal lane change.” Good thing he has Harvey Steinberg to get him out of the perils of an illegal lane change violation. Yasha koach, motherfucker.

Chris Henry Watch

Get ready to keep the kids at home -we’re now one week away from the return of my boy Chris Henry. Pick him up, before the West Chester cops do.

I got Effed Auto-drafting on Yahoo

Dudes my team fucking sucks - I’m giving them one more week to get some points, but I’m losing to these two girls at the precinct who don’t know Jay Cutler from a Blahnik. It’s a travesty. Note to all you kids out there who have accidentally viewed RexGrossmanIsMyQuarterback.com while trolling for that Megan Fox anal video - stay off the drugs when drafting your fantasy team.

Week 3 Total:

QB: Ingle Martin – 0 pts - It’s only a matter of time before Ingle gets some burn…

RB: Pierre Thomas – 13 pts - Wow! Maybe I should put him through a drug test.

RB: Adrian Peterson – 0 pts - Adrian is due for his first point. Hopefully he brings his a-game against the Eagles and puts up nearly as many points as the poor man’s Adrian Peterson on the Vikings.

WR: Brandon Middletown - 0pts – Who?

WR: Early Doucet – 0 pts – A big doucegg…

RB/WR: John Paul Foschi – 1 pt – Badda bing motherfucker! Foschi caught one pass for 11 yards, coincidentally the Chiefs largest pass play of the season to-date.

TE: Anthony Becht - 0 pts – He did not see any action, but rumors are swirling that he will replace Trent Green after his sixth interception this weekend.

D: St. Louis - -5 pts - Fuck

K: Nick Novack - 0 pts - Wide right.

This day in Fantasy Football: September 25, 1962
In the last week of the season, Giants Quarterback Y.A. Title screwed over 22% of fantasy owners as he drew a blank when it mattered most in the NFL Championship Game. In particular, Jim Nixon of Fayetteville, Arkansas, who had a 15-point lead over his friend Russell Davis, made a bet that he’d move to Cuba if Title didn’t throw for more than two touchdowns in the championship game. Nixon has not been seen since.
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"The Line Up" with The Lieutenant

Every Thursday afternoon (we ran a little late this week), we'll be bringing you "The Line Up" with The Lieutenant, the head of law enforcement here at Rex Grossman headquarters. Raised by his hard-drinking father to believe that ridicule and justice go hand in hand, The Lieutenant will give you a weekly rundown of all the assault, drug, and shitting-in-a-laundry-basket charges filed against the players who populate your fantasy teams.

After a staggeringly incarcerative summer, the first week of the 2008 season went by with nary a DUI, which, given that this space will be devoted to covering NFLers who break the law and subsequently destroy your fantasy title hopes, makes for a boring fucking column. Hopefully it won’t be long before Matt Jones gets apprehended cutting a ki in the parking lot of Club Velvet. In the meantime, here’s my take on what you should do to get ready for Week 2.

- You should drop the Chargers defense. The superlative moment of the 2007 season occurred during Week 1, when an artificially-charged Shawne Merriman sacked Bears QB Rex Grossman and proceeded to sprint 20 yards forward and do his best imitation of the anal shocker. Certainly this guy couldn’t have dabbled in steroids. Still, it’s not happening this year.

- You should drop the Jaguars defense, too. Rumors are swirling that Vinny Testaverde is going to come out of retirement to play defensive tackle.

- In other news, god-fearing Tony Dungy’s sermons must not be having much of an effect. First, Marvin Harrison drilled somebody with a limited edition Belgian weapon. Now, starting DT Ed Johnson, a major force on the Colts defensive line, was cut this week as a result of his drug arrest. Tell me if this is not what you were expecting from somebody named Ed Johnson. It’s also the same Ed Johnson who was “temporarily expelled” from Penn State in 2005 for violating the school’s sexual misconduct policy by confining another student against the student’s will. Considering how the Colts were carved up by Kyle Orton last week, you might want to drop them, too.

Chris Henry Watch

Despite repeated text messages from “The Line Up,” no news came out of the Chris Henry camp this week, unfortunately. Still, you should remember to pick up him up in three weeks – by then, the Bengals be 0-4. Keep an eye on this space for weekly Chris Henry updates.

I Got Effed Auto-drafting on Yahoo

When Matt Jones and Ed Johnson showed up at the big release party for “The Line Up” a few weeks ago, I knew I was fucked. We ended up doing so much charlie that I couldn’t make it to my big fantasy draft the next day. Here’s a look at the players that the fine folks at Yahoo! picked on my behalf:

QB: Ingle Martin, ranked #1989 in Yahoo!’s point projections. Ingle was a distinguished 6th round draft pick in 2006 draft pick out of Furman College. Only Herm Edwards could be responsible for such absurdity.

RB: Pierre Thomas. Hey, any Pierre at RB could be smooth.

RB: Adrian Peterson. No, not that one.

WR: Brandon Middletown, 5’10”, undrafted free agent signed by the Lions. I swear he’ll be Jon Kitna’s favorite target in two weeks.

WR: A little late on Early Doucet.

RB/WR: John Paul Fosci, undrafted versatile powerhouse from Queens, New York. And yeah, you guessed it: Herm Edwards.

TE: Anthony Becht. Remember when he was in the NFL? Oh wait…

D/ST: St. Louis. As Pacman “Adam” Jones said mockingly to the Eagles the other day, “Dude, you played St. Louis.”

K: Nick Novack. I like the alliteration.

This Day in Fantasy Football: September 12, 1938

The first-ever fantasy football casualty ever occurred when Red Farmer of Wichita, KS stabbed his neighbor John Good nine times between the shoulder blades after Good drafted Cowboy Bartlett of the Louisville Tanks in the first round of their keeper league.
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