"The Line Up" with The Lieutenant

Every Thursday afternoon (we ran a little late this week), we'll be bringing you "The Line Up" with The Lieutenant, the head of law enforcement here at Rex Grossman headquarters. Raised by his hard-drinking father to believe that ridicule and justice go hand in hand, The Lieutenant will give you a weekly rundown of all the assault, drug, and shitting-in-a-laundry-basket charges filed against the players who populate your fantasy teams.

After a staggeringly incarcerative summer, the first week of the 2008 season went by with nary a DUI, which, given that this space will be devoted to covering NFLers who break the law and subsequently destroy your fantasy title hopes, makes for a boring fucking column. Hopefully it won’t be long before Matt Jones gets apprehended cutting a ki in the parking lot of Club Velvet. In the meantime, here’s my take on what you should do to get ready for Week 2.

- You should drop the Chargers defense. The superlative moment of the 2007 season occurred during Week 1, when an artificially-charged Shawne Merriman sacked Bears QB Rex Grossman and proceeded to sprint 20 yards forward and do his best imitation of the anal shocker. Certainly this guy couldn’t have dabbled in steroids. Still, it’s not happening this year.

- You should drop the Jaguars defense, too. Rumors are swirling that Vinny Testaverde is going to come out of retirement to play defensive tackle.

- In other news, god-fearing Tony Dungy’s sermons must not be having much of an effect. First, Marvin Harrison drilled somebody with a limited edition Belgian weapon. Now, starting DT Ed Johnson, a major force on the Colts defensive line, was cut this week as a result of his drug arrest. Tell me if this is not what you were expecting from somebody named Ed Johnson. It’s also the same Ed Johnson who was “temporarily expelled” from Penn State in 2005 for violating the school’s sexual misconduct policy by confining another student against the student’s will. Considering how the Colts were carved up by Kyle Orton last week, you might want to drop them, too.

Chris Henry Watch

Despite repeated text messages from “The Line Up,” no news came out of the Chris Henry camp this week, unfortunately. Still, you should remember to pick up him up in three weeks – by then, the Bengals be 0-4. Keep an eye on this space for weekly Chris Henry updates.

I Got Effed Auto-drafting on Yahoo

When Matt Jones and Ed Johnson showed up at the big release party for “The Line Up” a few weeks ago, I knew I was fucked. We ended up doing so much charlie that I couldn’t make it to my big fantasy draft the next day. Here’s a look at the players that the fine folks at Yahoo! picked on my behalf:

QB: Ingle Martin, ranked #1989 in Yahoo!’s point projections. Ingle was a distinguished 6th round draft pick in 2006 draft pick out of Furman College. Only Herm Edwards could be responsible for such absurdity.

RB: Pierre Thomas. Hey, any Pierre at RB could be smooth.

RB: Adrian Peterson. No, not that one.

WR: Brandon Middletown, 5’10”, undrafted free agent signed by the Lions. I swear he’ll be Jon Kitna’s favorite target in two weeks.

WR: A little late on Early Doucet.

RB/WR: John Paul Fosci, undrafted versatile powerhouse from Queens, New York. And yeah, you guessed it: Herm Edwards.

TE: Anthony Becht. Remember when he was in the NFL? Oh wait…

D/ST: St. Louis. As Pacman “Adam” Jones said mockingly to the Eagles the other day, “Dude, you played St. Louis.”

K: Nick Novack. I like the alliteration.

This Day in Fantasy Football: September 12, 1938

The first-ever fantasy football casualty ever occurred when Red Farmer of Wichita, KS stabbed his neighbor John Good nine times between the shoulder blades after Good drafted Cowboy Bartlett of the Louisville Tanks in the first round of their keeper league.