"The Line Up" with The Lieutenant

Every Thursday afternoon, we'll be bringing you "The Line Up" with The Lieutenant, the head of law enforcement here at Rex Grossman headquarters. Raised by his hard-drinking father to believe that ridicule and justice go hand in hand, The Lieutenant will give you a weekly rundown of all the assault, drug, and shitting-in-a-laundry-basket charges filed against the players who populate your fantasy teams.

Unlike the New York Jets pass rush, Week 4 is quickly approaching and here's my take on how to prepare your team for the first bye week of the season…giggity.

Wide Receivers actin’ up

- It took Plax exactly 20 days to turn back into the team player we all knew he was. Suspended for 2 weeks, fantasy owners are going to take a serious hit. In the meantime you might want to pick up Lance Moore or Brandon Lloyd. At least the matter was resolved as the most reliable individual in the game, Drew Rosenhaus stated that a now resolved family matter had kept Plax away from the team.

Does this excuse sound familiar? Why wait a second, yes, when Line Up favorite and Rosenhaus client Terrell Owens missed mandatory camp last June because of a “family matter.” Oh and in 2003 when Fred Taylor missed Jags spring camp, Rosenhaus said Taylor was excused for a family matter. Instead of PUP they should just create a separate category for family matters. Seriously, Dr. Phil should be the commissioner of this league. You knew what you were getting when you drafted Plax, so you shouldn’t sell. But show the fuck up on time Plax, you’re killing my fantasy team.

- The big discussion in the precinct last weekend was about whether Brandon Marshall would shrug off his most recent run-in with the law-a misdemeanor battery charge. "There was an incident in March," Marshall said. "It's still an open case. We've been waiting six months for those charges to be filed, and it's finally here. That's what I've got Harvey Steinberg for. He's a great guy and great at what he does." What a shocker, a lawyer named Harvey Steinberg. Marshall did what any athlete usually does in the wake of a misdemeanor and in the words of Emmitt Smith said “you got blowed up” to the Saints by racking up some serious numbers.

Fantasy owners should be extremely high on Marshall even though he has a history of questionable behavior (see: assault of law enforcement officer, DUI, and the 11 calls that have been made to police from his residence since 2006). The Lineup’s favorite Marshall incident came last June when he received the notorious DWAI. Marshall was caught Driving without Auto Insurance after an “illegal lane change.” Good thing he has Harvey Steinberg to get him out of the perils of an illegal lane change violation. Yasha koach, motherfucker.

Chris Henry Watch

Get ready to keep the kids at home -we’re now one week away from the return of my boy Chris Henry. Pick him up, before the West Chester cops do.

I got Effed Auto-drafting on Yahoo

Dudes my team fucking sucks - I’m giving them one more week to get some points, but I’m losing to these two girls at the precinct who don’t know Jay Cutler from a Blahnik. It’s a travesty. Note to all you kids out there who have accidentally viewed RexGrossmanIsMyQuarterback.com while trolling for that Megan Fox anal video - stay off the drugs when drafting your fantasy team.

Week 3 Total:

QB: Ingle Martin – 0 pts - It’s only a matter of time before Ingle gets some burn…

RB: Pierre Thomas – 13 pts - Wow! Maybe I should put him through a drug test.

RB: Adrian Peterson – 0 pts - Adrian is due for his first point. Hopefully he brings his a-game against the Eagles and puts up nearly as many points as the poor man’s Adrian Peterson on the Vikings.

WR: Brandon Middletown - 0pts – Who?

WR: Early Doucet – 0 pts – A big doucegg…

RB/WR: John Paul Foschi – 1 pt – Badda bing motherfucker! Foschi caught one pass for 11 yards, coincidentally the Chiefs largest pass play of the season to-date.

TE: Anthony Becht - 0 pts – He did not see any action, but rumors are swirling that he will replace Trent Green after his sixth interception this weekend.

D: St. Louis - -5 pts - Fuck

K: Nick Novack - 0 pts - Wide right.

This day in Fantasy Football: September 25, 1962
In the last week of the season, Giants Quarterback Y.A. Title screwed over 22% of fantasy owners as he drew a blank when it mattered most in the NFL Championship Game. In particular, Jim Nixon of Fayetteville, Arkansas, who had a 15-point lead over his friend Russell Davis, made a bet that he’d move to Cuba if Title didn’t throw for more than two touchdowns in the championship game. Nixon has not been seen since.