Another Kind of Fantasy

Once a week, we’re going to turn things over to fantasy football analyst and certified female Rox Hoover, who’s going to give you all you need to know about the world of football and what life is like in an all-girl’s fantasy league.

So, you want to know what goes on in an all-female fantasy football league. Well, it’s just what you’d imagine: during the draft we all put on our best Victoria’s Secret and video-chat-pillow-fight with one another, giggling and jumping up and down on our mattresses with feathers flying ethereally through the air, all the while talking about things like Rashard Mendenhall’s stellar combine performance and Tedd Ginn, Jr.’s obvious upside potential.

Sure. That’s how it goes.

There are some fundamental differences between a men’s league and a women’s league, but almost none of them have to do with undergarments. Here are a few of them:

1. When I polled the league about whether to make the league free or to chip in for a prize for the winner, the contribution amount immediately became equated to footwear: $20 per person = Via Spiga, $10 per person = Nine West, $5 = Payless. And then it all made sense.

2. The trash talk leaves a bit to be desired. Last season, the biggest stinger of the draft came when the owner of the Pink Skinz referred to my back-up quarterback as “Grampy.” That quarterback was Brett Favre. I came in 2nd in my league in ‘07. Grampy is the man.

3. Things like bridesmaids’ dress fittings interfere with the scheduling of the draft. One of the owners ABSOLUTELY COULD NOT MAKE the original time, forcing us to reschedule. She auto-drafted anyway. My boyfriend’s league had an owner who drafted via phone while driving his drunk boss home from a business dinner and another idiot in Vegas drafting from his laptop while receiving a lap dance. Auto-draft is the hate and must not be tolerated. I’m clearly not over it – but if anyone asks I’ll say I am.

4. Free agency is absolute chaos. There have been 13 free agency moves in our league since Sunday at noon. Waivers be damned. We like it like the prom on 90210, first girl to snuggle up with the guy of the moment takes him home; if he’s gone the next best thing ain’t so bad, and if the first guy’s girl comes running out of the boys bathroom with mascara running down her face and he’s up for grabs again, sign me up for sloppy seconds. See Ryan Grant, Greg Jennings, Derek Anderson, conveniently reminding everyone of the fact that I came in 2nd in my league in ‘07. Free agent whores unite!

5. Our names are hotter than yours. Hard Knocks, derived both a football show as well as earlier in life nickname referring to boob size. Hot. Victorious Secret, Clever Hot. Jetsetters, Preppy Hot. Pink Skinz. Dirty Hot. Wanna Play Tackle?, Playful Hot. Pucks and Pigskins, Sporty Hot. We’re like the Spice Girls of fantasy football. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Aside from all these things, we’re obviously also cleaner, neater, nicer, better looking, and smarter than your average fantasy league owner because, after all, we’re women first and fantasy mavens second. And this has been the first installment of what will be a year-long look into Another Kind of Fantasy, my league of girlie girls who can talk football with the boys.

TIGHTrearEND of the Week

And now for the moment we’ve all been waiting for – my TIGHTrearEND of the Week. (The TrE of the Week was established by the ladies in my league in the ‘07 season. It celebrates players for the physical specimens that they are without necessarily taking into account their performance in that week. Like I said, we are still a group of girls, and, after all, these players do all wear spandex trousers. ) So the first TrE of the 2008 season is:

Brett Favre. Brett Favre, you are the picture of manhood from your Wrangler Jeans to your crawdad cook-outs. A little grey around the edges to be sure, but we all know that 39 is only too old in NFL years. Keep that rear of yours rockin’. The ladies know you’ve still got it.

Fantasy Advice On the Rox

Here’s who I hate in Week 2:

Carson Palmer, Chris Perry and all Bengals. The Titans D kicked ass last week; Cincinnati was pathetic.

Donovan McNabb (QB – PHI) I’m not buying what he’s selling. Let’s see what happens when he’s up against the Cowboys, who have a real defense.

Joseph Addai (RB – IND) Addai got knocked around a bit last week, and my normal S.T.U.D. rating for him probably won’t apply as he goes against the Bears, who have one of the best run defenses in the league. And by the way, the Colts lost at home to the Bears. THE BEARS.

Here’s who I love in Week 2:

Willie Parker (RB – PIT) Fast Willie goes against a suspect Cleveland D. Rashard who?

Aaron Rodgers and Donald Driver (QB, WR – GB) Last week, we saw what almost was, sooner or later it will be. I predict this week they’ll get it done against the Lions.

New York Giants (D/ST) at home against the Rams. DUH.