"The Line Up" with The Lieutenant

In anticipation of tonight’s Patriots-Jets affair, I’m headed up to Foxboro to provide extra police detail. Those fucking Massholes can’t keep their shit together. Once they feel the wrath of my right cross, they’ll have a new meaning for the words wicked hard.

Drunken disorderly conduct

- It was another light week in terms of NFL misdemeanors. If this keeps up, I might have to join the Mounties. Once again, however, the fans stepped up. At last week’s Vikings game, my cousin Rico had to put a Vikings fan on the deck when he mouthed off after flipping the bird to a bunch of Packers fans. I thought only the trash in Philly was that ignorant. This was after Rico kept a drunk 25-year old out of the stadium following his vomit job all over his Adrian Peterson jersey. You can’t disgrace such a fine jersey like that. Peterson has a somewhat difficult affair against Tampa this week, but his game against Jacksonville next week is troublesome in name only. Watching him take on Detroit, Arizona, and Atlanta during fantasy playoff times will have you throwing em back like that Vikes fan. Just don’t puke on me after the game or you’ll discover what it’s like to have a size 15 imprinted on your left ass cheek.

Slow your role

- Back in March, Albert Haynesworth was caught doing 103 in a 70 zone. Since reading comprehension is not a part of the Wonderlic test, Albert must’ve missed the sign as he breezed through in his Escalade. On December 9th, he’ll have his case reviewed. The judge will use index cards to illustrate that 103 - 70 = 33 miles faster that your fat ass should be driving. Haynesworth alibi is that he dropped a Twinkie in his lap and lost track of his speed. While I’m not sure if Twinkie charges more than 100 an hour, I am sure that the Titans have stayed out of the law’s way since Adam Jones left town. This has led to attention being paid to productive players like Chris Johnson, LenDale White, and Bo Scaife. Scaife is on pace for 74 catches and a fat new contract at season’s end. Considering the lack of skill at the TE position these days, you could do a lot worth than Scaife down the stretch. He’s got plenty of friendly match-ups before Pittsburgh in Week 16.

Chris Henry Watch

During his bye week Henry tried to suck up to new quarterback Ryan Fitzgerald my introducing him to his dealer, Blonde Bomber Battaglia. If Henry sees enough balls this week to make Rupert Everett happy, you’ll know Battaglia provided his best prime slice.

I Got Effed Auto-drafting on Yahoo!

Without a chance of making the playoffs, the best I can hope for is to play spoiler. Three-fingered Mike didn’t know what hit him last week. But that was only after his team destroyed me and I laid him out with my sjambok.

Week 10 Totals:

QB: Colt Brennan (0 pts) – Ah fuck. I really need to stay off the Torry Hallelujah bye week plan.

RB: Pierre Thomas (2 pts) – That’s right Pierre. You fucking show ‘em.

RB: Olaniyi Sobomehin (0 pts) – His brother Benjanyi was picked up this week, but he wasn’t the 21st bomber either.

WR: Chaz Schilens (0 pts) – Al Davis threatened to send him to Vietnam.

WR: Jabar Gaffney (4 pts) – It’s amazing what a handful of ejaculate can do for a man.

RB/WR: Joshua Cribbs (4 pts) – Soon Russell Simmons will want to check his shit out.

TE: Ben Hartsock (0 pts) – I’m still trying to shave down my Hartsock.

D: St. Louis (0 pts) – Ain’t got nothing on my J-E-T-S.

K: Jeff Reed (9 pts) – Skippy kept his wang nice and straight this week.

This Day in Fantasy Football: November 13, 1908

Stuck in Altoona, PA for the weekend, Walter Hendrickson found himself unable to make any changes to his roster. When he returned home, he discovered his neighbor Henry inches deep in his wife. Afraid for his life, Henry screamed out that he had adjusted Walter’s fantasy lineup because he was away, which led to a playoff clinching victory. Walter allowed Henry to continue to plow his wife until climax before taking out his shotgun and ending his life.