Fantasy Facial: Michael J. Cox's take on Torry Hallelujah's limp Week 9 performance

In light of Torry Hallelujah’s pathetic display last weekend – starting Jake Delhomme on the bye because he was too busy canoodling with his new girlfriend to sub in Frerotte – I was asked to write a list of 10 scenarios where such an action is actually acceptable. I suppose this is mostly because my girlfriend defensive game is ’85 Bears-esque even at its worst, but also possibly because I’m a registered Republican in Manhattan and its Election Day, so I don’t have much else to do and should probably stay indoors. So, it’s ok to start a QB that’s on the bye if:

1. You’re in Vegas for the weekend
2. Your Saturday night ended up something like this. (Note: This is my own personal worst nightmare, so I’m cutting anyone slack if things are going this badly in their life)
3. You are gravely ill or severely injured and have been admitted into a hospital that doesn’t have WiFi
4. Larry Johnson was your wingman at 40/40 on Friday night (Note: this means you’re probably enjoying a weekend getaway on lovely Rikers Island and will be out of action until at least Sunday and possibly 3-6 months longer than that)
5. Jamarcus Russell is your backup QB
6. You went home with Megan Fox on Saturday night and she doesn’t have internet access at her place
7. You work for CBS or Fox and are in charge of pressing the button that runs the “Saved by Zero” commercials on Sundays (Note: This means you’re currently the busiest individual in the country, with an apparently bulletproof level of job security that most Americans would kill for right now)
8. You went out on the Upper East Side on Saturday night, woke up in unfamiliar surroundings with a Tin Lizzie credit card receipt in your pocket, and now it hurts when you pee
9. Your girlfriend went to Troy State and casually mentions on Sunday morning that she used to date a guy named “Osi” when she was in college (Translation: She may have been shit on.........sexually)
10. You’re roommate’s name is Pacman Jones

Just in case you don’t get the picture (just sub a fucking QB in ok?), here are three glaringly obvious examples of times when it isn’t ok to start a QB on the bye:

1. You’re tired, hungover, have a massive case of Sunday depression, or are dealing with some other common affliction that 99% of all guys have on Sunday mornings and still manage to set their lineup
2. You didn’t realize it was a bye week since you had no access to TV or the internet because your girlfriend was simultaneously watching The Notebook and browsing TMZ.com on Sunday morning
3. Any situation involving the words bed, bath, beyond, brunch or flatware

Come on Torry. You’re better than this...