"The Line Up" with The Lieutenant

Precinct favorite Herm Edwards once said “you play to win the game.” After his coaching display against the Jets and Buccaneers in the last two weeks, I ought to slap him with a DUI for driving that bus right into a brick wall. Unfortunately we couldn’t get to the scene of the crime as we were busy at the ol’ precinct this week dealing with that miscreant Leigh Steinberg - when we found him he was just like a newborn puppy pissing all over the place. It seems he needed a few drinks after realizing Matt Leinart will only get to that second contract if he joins an underage beer funneling league. At least Leigh’s still got Mark Brunell.

Make it Dirty

- Not too much debauchery going on in the NFL last week - although with the Cowboys and Bengals on bye weeks we might report next week on the Cedric Benson/Tank Johnson gangbang. All of you boaters on the Ohio River - you were forewarned.

Thankfully for this column, some NFL fans filled the incarceration void. Get this - a couple was arrested last Sunday during the Buffalo game. The Bills put on such a miserable performance that the couple decided to spend some time together in the ladies’ restroom. After being caught and resisting arrest, the couple, which was caught in the act of slapping around some greasy buffalo wings, was eventually charged with three misdemeanors. At least someone from Buffalo was able to find the end zone. How might this affect Buffalo this week and what about the Bills scoring options? Marshawn Lynch should have a productive second half of the year despite the hangover that kept him out during parts of last week’s game. He should find the end zone plenty during games against Cleveland, Kansas City, San Francisco, Miami, and Denver down the stretch.

Snowjob

- Travis Henry got picked up a month ago for cocaine trafficking, but he’s denied the whole thing. Henry took time off from impregnating the backwoods of Montana to take over Michael Irvin’s clientele after Irvin became employed at a local Dallas radio show. Denver’s backfield has never recovered since. While Henry sits comfortably numb, Ryan “making it” Torain has stepped up to take the reins of the Denver Running Back Situation. Without any healthy bodies, Torain should see 20 carries this week. The man with the 4.6 40-time should not be an automatic start unless it’s necessary. The Najeh Davenport dump-and-stash philosophy should be followed until he shows production.

Chris Henry Watch

Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson stepped up for the Bengals last week, but Henry wasn’t able to join the party. Feeling the effects from an all night rager at Adonis on Kellogg Ave, Henry was winding down from a couple smacks of heroin to produce another crappy week. If you still have Henry, sell his ass for a nice bowl of Skyline chili.

I Got Effed Auto-drafting on Yahoo

After engaging in a golden shower with Leigh Steinberg, I decided to make some changes to the roster. Unless I grab some weekly winners between now and the end of the season, I’ll have to call Travis Henry.

Week 9 Total:

QB: Colt Brennan (0 pts) – I took a chance with the dude named after my dog. Damn…

RB: Pierre Thomas (0 pts) – Ah shit, he was on a bye. Megan Fox can back me up

RB: Olaniyi Sobomehin (0 pts) – I thought I had picked up the 21st hijacker until I realized this dude actually played in the NFL

WR: Chaz Schilens (0 pts) – He was supposed to emerge. Fuck Jamarcus Russell!

WR: Jabar Gaffney (0 pts) – Edward Scissorhands catches better

RB/WR: Joshua Cribbs (6 pts) MTV stylin’ – my boy!
TE: Ben Hartsock (0 pts) – Hartsock sounds like a nice blunt I can use to strike Leigh Steinberg
D: St. Louis (0 pts) – Kurt Warner owes me a beer.

K: Jeff Reed (4 pts) – Skippy-take some time off from showing your wang and learn how to kick

This Day in Fantasy Football: November 6, 1978

After dominating a bowl of chili at Skippy’s in East Lansing, Jon Novartis had to run for the can. While squirting out something that looked like Abe Lincoln’s left testicle, Roy Gerela knocked a game winning FG for the Steelers pushing Jon’s team to victory. It took Jon another hour and a half before he was done pushing and when he got back, his buddy Fred Feriola punched him in the face as he had just beaten him in fantasy football for the week thanks to the field goal.