Mr. T's Trade Manifesto

With only two weeks, or possibly less, to go before your league’s trade deadline, you don’t have much time to make major adjustments to your squad. There are times when luck falls from the stars, as it did for me last year when I faced Torry Hallelujah in the oft-discussed 2007 Rex Grossman Fantasy League Championship, which I won with players culled from Tommy Callahan’s guaranteed box of shit, including Kolby Smith, Kenny Watson and Darius Walker. I’ve been playing fantasy football for the past 16 years – yes, I was doing it with mailed statistics at the ripe old age of 10 – I’ve mastered the ability to make trades. I’ve made three in our league this year alone, with possibly a few more to come. If you’re looking to pull off a big swap before your league clock strikes midnight, here are some instructions to follow.

1. Find your weakness. You might be able to put people like Dr. Phil out of business if you can identify this in your everyday life, let alone on your fantasy team. Sometimes it’s as simple as needing a specific position, but look further. Do your players show a lack of consistency despite their high season totals? Look at your RB1’s fantasy playoff schedule. It might make beating Phil Ivey heads up at the final table of the WSOP look like easy by comparison.
2. Find your strength. Does your backfield suddenly look a little stronger now that Tim Hightower gained the starting job in Arizona? Has the emergence of Phil Rivers made Donovan McNabab less valuable? Are you showing rock hard abs and dynamic deltoids since purchasing the Perfect Pullup? You can’t gain anything from assets on your bench as the season comes to a close, so make sure to use those assets to improve your starting lineup.
3. Find your trade partner. You’re not looking for your future wife, but it’s not as simple as picking up the scraps at last call. Make sure the other person actually needs the position you’re offering up for trade. While the thought of getting double teamed by Blake Lively and Kate Beckinsale might help you relieve some stress in the shower on a Tuesday night, offering Peyton Manning to someone with Jay Cutler makes very little sense for another owner.
4. Know market value. Don’t display the inefficiencies of Marble Ryan. If you’re trading an elite receiver who is performing as expected, don’t package him in a deal for an up-and-coming RB who doesn’t have the resume yet. At this point in the season, your player’s value depends solely on his statistics. It’s fine to sell high, but get equal value. You wouldn’t trade your managerial position at Google for a desk position at Enterprise just because they offered you free flatbread sandwiches for breakfast, would you?
5. Ask them to rank their own players. As Miles Dalrymple yelled on top of a restaurant table in Summer Catch, “I like fat women and they like me.” Everyone has their own preferences. By asking your trade partner to rank their own players of the specific position you’re interested in, you might discover you won’t have to give us as much as you thought originally.
6. Never start with a worthless offer. It’s easier to make enemies than friends. A low-ball starting offer will have the owner of 2 Inches Flacco, 4 Inches Huard ready to give you an atomic wedgie. Never start with your best offer, but at least propose something that won’t piss the other guy off. From there it’ll be easier to finalize a deal. It likely won’t require groveling or offering your rollover minutes.
7. Pull the trigger. No, I’m not referring to what you did last Saturday night after realizing that last shot of Jack Daniels put you over the edge. Don’t be afraid to make trades. Chances are you’re not giving up the best players at each position. Very few teams are perfect. Don’t overthink the deal. You’re not trying to make sense of China’s GDP or Joan Rivers’ need for another botox injection. If you think the trade will help your team’s overall projected performance, make it happen.