"The Line Up" with The Lieutenant

Every Thursday, we'll be bringing you "The Line Up" with The Lieutenant, the head of law enforcement here at Rex Grossman headquarters. Raised by his hard-drinking father to believe that ridicule and justice go hand in hand, The Lieutenant will give you a weekly rundown of all the assault, drug, and shitting-in-a-laundry-basket charges filed against the players who populate your fantasy teams.

It’s been a pretty rough week at headquarters. Vai Sikahema’s third cousin and his boys got a little out of hand at my birthday party on Monday. I guess that’s what happens when you hand out too many party favors. Thankfully, we’ve had a few days to wind down and I can get back to focusing on the gift that keeps on giving, horse tranquilizers…er, fantasy football.

Out of the closet

- Adam “Pacman” Jones was reinstated by the league on Wednesday. Let me repeat, Adam “Pacman” Jones was reinstated by the league on Wednesday. While my boy Marcus Vick continues to be refused entry by Goodell and his thugs, this numbnut gets more chances than Donovan McNabb did for five quarters against the Cincinnati secondary. Pacman asks to be called his birth name of Adam instead of his more commonly used name “Pacman.” I’ve decided to completely ignore his request. This dude is a fucking felon. He will forever be referred to as Pacman. You know it’s only a few months until one of his boys is unloading his handgun on Tiara over at King’s Cabaret on Market Center Boulevard. What will get some respect from me these days is the Cowboys offense. Now that Tony Romo’s feminine Jessica Simpson tinged fingers are back slinging the pigskin, we finally have fantasy viability in Big D. The Cowboys have a really nice schedule over the next two weeks with San Francisco and Seattle. Start all your Cowboys (Tony Romo, Marian Barber, Terrell Owens, Jason Witten, and even Roy Williams) over the next two weeks. After that, you’re on your own. Games against Pittsburgh, the Giants, and Baltimore should have fantasy owners running for the border.

While we’re on the topic of Tony Romo, ESPN reported that the Dallas Quarterback treated a homeless man to a movie-if this is not some Tom Cruise and John Travolta back alley shit, I don’t know what is:

“The man, who goes by Doc, was outside a theater in in Dallas when a man came up and offered to pay his way to see a movie. Planning on passing out fliers for a consignment store across the street, Doc declined. But then he realized that he had just turned down Romo.

He ran across the street, asked for the day off and ran back to the theater. Romo and Doc ended up sitting together watching the movie "Role Model." Doc told the newspaper that he informed Romo that he hadn't showered in days.

"Don't worry about that," Romo said, according to the newspaper. "I'm used to locker rooms."

I bet you are Tony and while you’re at it, why don’t you run for the Idaho senate seat.

Chris Henry Watch

Unlike Donovan Mcnabb, Mr. Henry actually knew there were ties in the regular season. And what did he do about it? Chris showed up with a big Sunday afternoon showing against the powerful Eagles by providing only one catch for eight yards while spreading the gospel that the game would go til we had a winner. Henry remains completely worthless as a fantasy presence.

I Got Effed Auto-drafting on Yahoo!

My team broke out this week with their first win of the year. Motherfuckers were playing like they were out on bail.

Week 11 Totals:

QB: Colt Brennan (0 pts) – Yes we can, motherfucker.

RB: Pierre Thomas (19 pts) – The P-Train was rumbling this weekend. Oui oui, motherfucker.

RB: Olaniyi Sobomehin (0 pts) – Barack is taking down Guantanamo, motherfucker.

WR: Chaz Schilens (0 pts) – This dude needs to schill out and get me some points, motherfucker.

WR: Jabar Gaffney (16 pts) – Matt Cassel, motherfucker

RB/WR: Joshua Cribbs (6 pts) – Dean Winters’ house in this week’s episode, motherfucker.

TE: Ben Hartsock (0 pts) – This guy clearly has no hart, motherfucker.

D: St. Louis (2 pts) – Bring back Mike Martz, motherfucker.

K: Jeff Reed (10 pts) – Skippy, motherfucker.

This Day in Fantasy Football: November 20, 1929

The Chicago Cardinals lost to the Green Bay Packers 12-0 and Stan Flumingus of Topeka, KS lost his last remaining $20 after losing all of his money in the great depression.