That'll Be $40, Donovan

Alright, I’ll admit it: this hasn’t been the best of seasons. Despite chugging four Muscle Milks and sleeping for 17 hours the night before the draft, my team hasn’t performed up to anyone’s expectations. And that’s fine. After all, I’m not a sports fan — I’m an ath-lete. At least that’s what I tell my bosses at the bank when I show up to work at noon after sleeping in the morning after a big hockey game. Good thing they all work in Singapore.

Look, my team’s not making the playoffs or even finishing above .500. I realize this. But just like any fiscally responsible slickdealer, I’ve been doing everything in my power to stay out of the cellar and avoid having to pay the $40 fee that comes along with finishing in last place. At only a game behind the ninth place team, Full Retard, this was still a possibility.

My team, Lehman Brothers, got off to an explosive start yesterday, with 18 points from Warrick Dunn, 15 from Jason Campbell, and 27 from TO. Things looked on the up and up. That is, until Donovan F. McNabb took the field. For the sake of convenience, allow me to reproduce what McNabb’s Yahoo! player page has to say about his performance:

Nov 23 QB Donovan McNabb was benched at halftime Sunday and replaced by second-year man Kevin Kolb. McNabb has been playing poorly for the better part of a month now, and he completed just eight of 18 passes for 59 yards and threw two interceptions in the first half against the Ravens. In the Eagles' last five games, McNabb has a .526 completion percentage and has thrown six touchdown passes and seven interceptions. He's got seven turnovers (five interceptions, two lost fumbles) in the last two games alone.

Translation? -4 fantasy points. Instead of a sure victory, I’m heading into the Monday night game with only a 2 point lead…and Basketball on Grass still has Lance Moore yet to play.

That’ll be $40, McNabb, you asshole. Payable in cash or 50% off coupons for chunkysoup.com (YMMV).

- Cousin Bowser, Little Marianville, NY

In his rec hockey league season, Cousin Bowser has scored 10 goals on 359 shots with a plus-minus rating of -40. He has yet to record an assist.

Who Else Do People Hate?

- When Brandon Jacobs was surprisingly listed as inactive, I had the decision to make between Derrick Ward and Michael Turner. I figured the Giants were guaranteed to give Ward 20 carries and a TD, while Turner had struggled against Carolina previously. I decided to go with Ward and man is my ass sore this morning. Turner has to have the largest Beta of any back in the league. Fuck You to the Giants coaching staff, Jacobs, and Turner for even putting me in that position. And at least use some lubricant next time...

- Pierce M., New York, NY