"The Line Up" with The Lieutenant

Every Thursday, we'll be bringing you "The Line Up" with The Lieutenant, the head of law enforcement here at Rex Grossman headquarters. Raised by his hard-drinking father to believe that ridicule and justice go hand in hand, The Lieutenant will give you a weekly rundown of all the assault, drug, and shitting-in-a-laundry-basket charges filed against the players who populate your fantasy teams.

I abandoned you last week, and for this I’m deeply sorry. You see, Eric Mangini was calling my plays, and he figured you guys for Thomas Jones and the running game last week. Now I’m back after an extra helping of turkey and Schlitz. That last one always goes down a little rough…

The Gunslinger

- Oh no, I’m not talking about quarterbacks with that headline. I’m talking about that assclown Plaxico Burress, who felt a little fidgety after an extra stiff glass of Remy Martin. He likes himself a quick trigger, so his gloc doesn’t have the standard safety. It’s some AFL2 quality shit, where the safety is on the trigger. Maybe he needs to take his kid to school more so he can get educated. After poppin’ himself in the leg with an unregistered gun, Burress will have plenty of time to harass his wife over the rest of the season. Plax, you’re making about 7 million a season — invest in some private security, my man! Then your dumb ass won’t have to worry about your inferior weapon and your impeccable timing. Like the Giants, I’d move quickly to replace Plax on your roster with Domenik Hixon. He’ll run all of Plax’s routes and he’ll strike deeper than the bullet that traveled through Burress’ thigh. That faceoff against the Cowboys in Week 15 looks might appetizing to me. Hold on, I think I need another Schlitz…

Where My Dawgs At?

Michael Vick took some time off from making $0.12 an hour washing my dishes to attend court in Virginia. He pled guilty to dog fighting charges and then hopped his ass back to the Midwest. You see, Ron Mexico used to have some good mobility in the pocket, but he can’t seem to hit a pair of pocket aces to save his life in our poker game. He keeps pissing away that five bucks he makes a day to us every Thursday night. Not too many QB1s run like Prisoner 08375 did, but there are a few out there with some wheels. Aaron Rodgers leads the way with four rushing TDs. He sees a nice finishing schedule with Houston, Jacksonville, Chicago, and Detroit. While he’s probably a start in most one QB leagues anyways, Brett Favre’s former caddy has multiple TDs in his last three games. That’ll pay out more than $0.12 an hour.

I’ll also throw a bone to RexGrossmanIsOurQuarterback.com favorite Tyler Thigpen. While we won’t be ordering up Michael Johnson’s gold shoes anytime soon, I’d really like to own him in the week 15 game vs. San Diego. Maybe I can trade some of these rehabbed dogs to acquire him.

Chris Henry Watch

Chris Henry took the week off, literally. The site of the Bengals sends my son into shock so I was unable to see the game, but Henry dropped a fat zero on the box score. I guess he wanted to show his loyalty to former college teammate Pacman Jones.

I Got Effed Auto-drafting on Yahoo!

It seems like the boys couldn’t get their act together over Thanksgiving

Week 13 Totals:

QB: Colt Brennan (0 pts) – Maybe Plax should’ve hung out with this useless colt instead of his own.

RB: Pierre Thomas (11 pts) – The P-Train is unstoppable. Allons-y, motherfucker.

RB: Olaniyi Sobomehin (0 pts) – He fled the country.

WR: Chaz Schilens (0 pts) – Chaz is a wack-ass bitch.

WR: Jabar Gaffney (0 pts) – Jabar needs to call up Toyota.

RB/WR: Joshua Cribbs (0 pts) – He must’ve been watching the Pick-up Artist.

TE: Ben Hartsock (0 pts) – Mel Gibson can’t sock some hart into this asshole.

D: St. Louis (3 pts) – Marc Bulger can eat a dick.

K: Jeff Reed (15 pts) – It doesn’t matter the flavor because Skippy always delivers.

This Day in Fantasy Football: December 04, 1978

After losing his Week 13 game because of a missed extra point, Richard Weinstein unloaded his handgun into his right leg. The bullet went right through and clipped his dog Rufus in the ear. Devastated that he had mistakenly shot his dog, Weinstein fired again towards his other leg, missed, and put a bullet through his television.