What’s in a Guarantee?

You can get a good look at a fantasy championship by sticking your head up Adrian Peterson’s ass, but wouldn’t you rather take Mr. T’s word for it? Nothing in fantasy football is ever guaranteed. The Slow Eater led our RGIOQB.com league for most of the year, but that didn’t mean anything in last weekend’s finale, in which he lost to podcast superstar Marble Ryan. In previous seasons, we’ve seen teams lose because their top performers were benched in Week 16 due to their team having locked up their position in the NFL playoffs, but that wasn’t a factor this year. No, we had real disappointments from fantasy studs, and a few also-rans rose to the occasion. Let’s take some time to reflect on Week 16’s madness.

Adrian Peterson is already being anointed as next year’s #1 selection. You even volunteered yourself to the Vikings medical staff for halftime massage duty in order to keep him healthy for a full season. Yet none of that mattered against the a pedestrian Falcons defense this past weekend, as Peterson’s 92 combined yards and a fumble have left you wanting more. You can’t even take him into the champagne room and slip him a c-note to finish the job.

Kurt Warner helped engineer your surge to the top of the standings. The vaunted Cardinals passing attack had been humming along all year and you were reaping the benefits. The faceoff against the leaky Patriots secondary had you envisioning bragging rights, a Jostens fantasy football ring, and enough cash to take your girlfriend out to a restaurant other than Applebees. It looks like you’ll still be joining Harris Smith for dinner after Warner’s pitiful one point performance in the poor New England weather. Fantasy’s #1 QB for most of the season came up a tad short when it mattered. Dirk Diggler he ain’t…

The reliable Thomas Jones couldn’t post a double digit mark. The New Orleans secondary held down Megatron Johnson. The Raiders kept Steve Slaton out of the end zone and prevented Andre Johnson from living up to the accolades thrown at him by Marble Ryan after Marble saw him in his skivvies at the NFL combine. We’re talking about elite talent that crapped the bed when you needed them most. You won’t be able to throw some fresh Huggies and get back out there for another go. You’re a big kid now…with no trophy to play with.

Instead we salute the real heroes. Here’s to Visante “Junkyard Dog” Shiancoe for being the surprise #1 TE this week. Not only does he show us his dong on live TV, but apparently he’s good for 25 fantasy points when the games matter. One wonders if Zygi Wilf was upset that the Falcons defense wasn’t exposed elsewhere. We’ve all had a go with Lamont Jordan in the past, but you never thought the town bike would be good for a couple of late season TDs. Garrard, Jackson, Garcia, and Pennington sit atop the list of most productive QBs. This year’s Kolby Smith award for running back most likely to steal the show is a tie between Tashard Choice and Fred Jackson.
Say that list of names over again and let in sink in. This isn’t a dream; it’s the fantasy football playoffs. Playoffs?!? Yes, it’s the playoffs and it’s magical. If Warner or Peterson just cost you a title and you’ve got the time, take a shit in a box. It’s the closest thing you’ll see to a fantasy championship this year. Take my word for it…