Catching Up With: Rex Grossman

Torry Hallelujah sat down with the once-and-current Bears QB to discuss his fantasy value, what it all means for the numbers of Matt Forte and other Bears players, and the new relevance of the RexGrossmanIsOurQuarterback.com domain name.

Torry Hallelujah: Rex, it’s been a big week for you. Kyle Orton, the guy you were benched in favor of, went down with what looks to be a pretty severe high ankle sprain. You came in to go 9-19 for 58 yards, with one passing TD, one rushing TD and an interception. Tell us, what was that like?

Rex Grossman: Oh man, it was awesome. I was a little hung over, but it was great to be able to put my arm on display again.

TH: You’ve got two tough games coming up – this week, you’re hosting the Titans, and next week you’re playing at Green Bay. What can fantasy owners expect from you?

RG: All I can really promise is that I’m going to throw the sexiest damn deep ball in the whole league. Completion percentage, interceptions, fumbled snaps – I can’t make any guarantees there.

TH: So it’s safe to say we can expect the same Rex Grossman?

RG: Oh, 100%. No question about it. After that, things get a little easier with the Rams and Vikings, but still, I’m nobody you want on your starting roster, not even in a 2-QB league.

TH: Yeah, I have to say, Rex, I think I’d rather go with someone like Tyler Thigpen or Gus Frerotte over you.

RG: But those guys don’t have a sex cannon for an arm like I do! Do those guys make cheerleaders giggle when they wing it downfield? No way!

TH: I think I like Shaun Hill better than you, too.

RG: What’s the fun in that? That guy can’t even drink an entire bottle of Jager like I can.

TH: Rex, let’s talk about the impact you’ll have on the rest of the guys on the Bears roster. How is that going to affect Matt Forte, Devin Hester and Greg Olsen?

RG: Well, teams are going to stack the line just so they’ll have the chance to watch one of my awesome deep balls hanging in the air, so I don’t think it’ll help Matt too much. As for Hester and Olsen, they might suffer a little bit, but you shouldn’t have been starting them anyways.

TH: How about the defense? See any impact there?

RG: My drives are short and sweet – either it’s a 50-yard bomb for a TD or it’s a fumble on the third play. Urlacher has already started running wind sprints after practice to prepare himself for being on the field for 40 minutes a game.

TH: As Tony Kornheiser would say, “we’ll get you out of here on this.” Rex, how do you feel about the possibility of the NFL extending the regular season?

RG: [Stares, concentrating] You know, as long as the Super Bowl’s before March 17th, I’m fine with it.

TH: Rex, it’s been a pleasure. Thanks so much for taking the time to sit down with us. And thanks for keeping the name of our site vaguely relevant for a little while longer.
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Catching Up with Roy Williams

Our Torry Hallelujah sat down with Lions WR Roy Williams to discuss his slow start, a possible change at QB, the rumored trade to the Cowboys, and life under Mike Martz.

Torry Hallelujah: Roy Williams, it’s an honor to sit down and talk with someone who’s wasted as much talent as yourself.

Roy Williams: Thank you, thank you. It’s a pleasure to be here.

TH: Roy, you’re off to a terrible start this season. Last week, we could see you on the sideline, shouting at your coaches and teammates and sitting by yourself. What’s wrong?

RW: The fact is, we suck. We’re terrible! You can fire Matt Millen, but he wasn’t the one throwing passes three feet behind me or over my head. You know how you say “can’t throw for shit” in Polish?

TH: How?

RW: Orlovsky.

TH: You also dropped several catchable balls.

RW:

TH: Roy, there’s a chance that Drew Stanton might be taking over at quarterback. How’s that going to impact your fantasy numbers?

RW: They can’t go much lower, can they? Stanton, Orlovsky, Kitna – they’re all just crackers who can’t get Roy the ball.

TH: How about the schedule? You’ve got some games coming up against some pretty good pass defenses. Do you think your numbers are going to improve at all?

RW: Hey baby, what can I say? A number one receiver always rises to the occasion.

TH: Does that mean we should be expecting big things out of Calvin Johnson?

RW: [wrinkles brow in confusion]

TH: Roy, it’s been rumored that the Lions are trying to trade you to the Cowboys. Do you think that would be a good move?

RW: I think it would be a great move – for Roy Williams. I’m a free agent this off-season, I gotta pad my stats! I’m not sure what I would put on the back of my jersey, though. I mean, they have a Roy Williams already, don’t they?

TH: Would you put your middle initial on there?

RW: “Roy E. Williams.” That’s nice, I like it. [extends fist]

TH: Roy, before this season, you spent two years playing under Mike Martz. Tell us what that was like.

RW: Oh man, it was awesome. I mean, we stood no chance of winning games because we couldn’t run the ball or protect the quarterback, but damn were my fantasy numbers good.

TH: It’s true – for a while, you came close to performing like a first round pick.

RW: [taps his finger against table] Yeah, that was nice.
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Catching Up With: Kurt Warner

Our Torry Hallelujah sat down with Cardinals QB Kurt Warner to discuss God, Ken Whisenhunt’s decision to play his starters late in a blowout loss, and one of the five worst throws in NFL history.

Torry Hallelujah: So, Kurt, if you don’t mind, I’d like to talk about your game against the Jets last Sunday. You guys were down by a mile with only 30 seconds left. Do you think Ken Whisenhunt made a smart decision keeping his starters in till the end of the game?

Kurt Warner: First off, I just want to thank the Lord for letting me be in this position.

TH: I’m not sure what you mean, Kurt.

KW: You know, the Lord – Christ, the big JC!

TH: I’m talking about Anquan! Didn’t you see him there, lying awkwardly on the turf? It looked like someone had shocked him with a cattle prod.

KW: Hey, the Lord takes us when he’s ready for us.

TH: And as soon as Anquan was taken off the field on a stretcher, you threw a pass to Larry Fitzgerald over the middle. Do you think that was a smart play?

KW: I just felt that the Lord was calling me to throw for 472 yards. I had to do what he asked. Wasn’t it great?

TH: Kurt, you almost got two of your receivers killed in a meaningless effort. Do you have regrets about that?

KW: I don’t know what you’re talking about – I threw for 472 yards! Didn’t you see?

TH: Oh, I saw. I also saw your three interceptions that cost your team the game, including the one you threw straight to Darrelle Revis. Our Michael J. Cox called it one of the five worst throws he’s ever seen. What do you have to say about that?

KW: That wasn’t me. Matt Leinart threw that one. Probably God’s punishment for all that premarital sex.

TH: I’m pretty sure that was you, Kurt. [Cues up video clip from Sunday’s game which clearly shows Warner throwing the ball directly to Revis, followed by Revis casually running it in for a touchdown]

KW: [Busts out in laughter] What can I say, you got me! I have no idea what I was thinking on that one. Hey, at least I threw for all those yards – that’s what matters, right?

TH: Well, your team did lose the game, Kurt.

KW: [Chuckling] Sometimes, the Lord has a plan and you just have no choice but to go with it. That’s what I said when I married Brenda.

TH: What are you talking about?

KW: You think I planned on marrying a chick with a flat top?

TH: Good point. So, Kurt, what can fantasy owners expect from you during the rest of the season? More yards, more terrible interceptions?

KW: If the Lord has anything to say about it, I’ll realize my dream to throw the worst pass in NFL history.

TH: That’ll really be something to watch. We’ll all be looking forward to it!

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Eight Questions with Reggie Bush

We caught up with Saints RB Reggie Bush this week and talked to him about his inconsistency, his plans for the bye week, and Kim Kardashian’s ass.

Lafayette Gold: Reggie, your first two years in the league were very up-and-down. But three weeks into the season, you’re looking like you’ve turned things around. What happened?

Reggie Bush: Honestly, I’ve always had the raw physical ability. I’ve got the 4.33 40, the 40 ½ inch vertical leap and the body of an Adonis. I could churn out 20 TDs every year. But what’s the fun in that? I like to underperform and leave my fans wanting more. Sure, I played well the last three weeks, but the next three? Who’s to say. It all depends on how I’m feeling.

Lafayette Gold: Are you saying that sometimes you’re not really trying out there? Don’t you ever want to move out of the second-tier of fantasy RBs and become a first round pick?

Reggie Bush: Look man, it’s not always about what the fans want. I need to watch out for myself, make sure I get mine. I got that fine piece of ass Kim Kardashian waiting for me at home every night. You think I want to get banged up? The only contact I like is in the bedroom – slamming into Kim’s ass is a lot more pleasant than getting tackled by Brian Urlacher.

Lafayette Gold: I see. So your fear of getting hurt is why you’re not a north-south runner?

Reggie Bush: [Laughs] Hey, you said it, not me.

Lafayette Gold: So what can your fantasy owners expect from you over the next few weeks?

Reggie Bush: Well, we’ve got some tough matchups ahead of us. Minnesota, Carolina, San Diego – those are some strong defenses, man. I’ll probably give you a little flash when we go against San Francisco and Oakland, but against those other three? Probably not much. Then it’s the bye week – that’s my time to shine.

Lafayette Gold: Are you saying that the Niners…

Reggie Bush: Actually, sorry to interrupt, but can we go back to the bye week? Man, that’s going to be tight. I’m taking Kim to Cabo. Romo gave me a hotel recommendation and everything.

Lafayette Gold: But aren’t you supposed to rest during the bye?

Reggie Bush: Dude, did you see me at USC? One thing Reggie Bush knows is how to party. Every night, man: girls, booze, and more bribes than even Tim Donaghy would know what to do with. One week on the beach and I’ll be set.

Lafayette Gold: Wait, so you’re saying that people should trade for you because you’re going to finish strong?

Reggie Bush: [Laughs] Please, this is Reggie Bush you’re talking to! You think I’d ever be stupid enough to guarantee performance? Who do I look like, Brandon Marshall? The truth is, I can’t decide from one day to the next whether I’m going to be good or not. And I’ll tell you what, man, that Chicago matchup in the fantasy semifinals does not look good for Reggie Bush, not at all.

Lafayette Gold: What about the fantasy consolation game the following week?

Reggie Bush: Oh man, that’s where I’m going to light it up. I mean, it’s almost time for my contract extension. A brotha has to get paid, don’t he?
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