I Hate You, Tom Brady

I hate you, Tom Brady. I hate you and Giselle and all of the annoyingly perfect children you two will one day produce.

Tom, in the eight years I've been playing fantasy, I've never drafted a quarterback in the first round. Not once. But this year, there I was with the #4 overall pick, and there you were, Tom, staring me right in the face with your GQ-cover looks, Brazilian supermodel girlfriend, and 50 TDs. In a moment of weakness, I drafted you over Brian Westbrook, who slid to #4. I was even happy about it. I had the best player in all of football and was on my way to building a playoff-contending roster.

And then Bernard Pollard crawled his way across the turf at Gillette Stadium and grazed your ACL with his right hand.When it happened, a pall fell over the bar where I was watching the game. But I wasn’t worried. It’s Tom Brady, he’ll be okay, I reassured myself. He’ll probably come back in the second half. But now you’re likely out for the season and I’ve got my dick in my hands. What the fuck, Tom Brady?

No, seriously, what the fuck?

How does a guy who’s never missed any significant time despite being listed on the injury report every week for two years with a sore shoulder crumple after the lightest contact? How does a guy who threw for 50 TDs last year throw 0 this year? Do you know who my backup is, Tom? Jamarcus fucking Russell. That’s how much confidence I had in you. Of course, I can see now that this is all karmic payback for Spygate and all the times you ran up the score on hapless opponents last year. But what did I do to deserve all this?

I drafted you, Tom Brady, that’s what. And now I’m fucked. I hate you.

- Rocco P., South Bend, IN

Who else do the people hate?

I hate Rashard Mendenhall and Willie Parker...which means I hate Mike Tomlin. All I hear in the off-season is how Parker isn't the same, how Mendenhall is a stud ready to take over in the red zone and share the load. Naturally, my first game (against a certain Mr. T, in one of his 30 leagues) was against Parker, and I started Mendenhall at the flex (it's 12-team league). You know the rest. As Public Enemy put it, don't believe the hype.

- Charles C., New York, NY

Ed. We gave you the heads-up about Parker and Mendenhall last week.

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At RB, Less Is (Even) More

Because there are more RB tandems in the league than ever before, we're dedicating a second post to looking at some of the most important ones.

Denver Broncos: Selvin Young and Andre Hall

Mike Shanahan has a long history of using RBs the way the hoppers in Season 3 of The Wire used cell phones, buying them in bulk and tossing them in the gutter after 300 minutes of use. Why, Shana-tan, why can't you just PICK A RUNNING BACK AND STICK WITH HIM?!? DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO US???

This year's Broncos RB offerings include Selvin Young and Andre Hall, two guys with talent who will at some point this season A) rush for over 150 yards, and B) eventually be benched in favor of someone on the practice squad. Also, if he’s able to come back from injury, rookie Ryan Torain could be a factor down the line. The point: stay away. Stay far away.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Willie Parker and Rashard Mendenhall

This one seems simple enough at first glance: the Steelers will use Quick Bill between the 20s and bring in the talented Mendenhall for the goal line work, creating a clear path to fantasy stardom for the rookie from Illinois.

But before you pencil Mendenhall in as your flex or RB2, consider that during the preseason he looked sluggish during goal line drills and had trouble hanging onto the football in game action. And, get this: Mike Tomlin recently told local beat reporters that most of the third down snaps will be going to…Mewelde Moore! If you drafted Mendenhall with visions of him catching third down passes and rumbling for 40 yards, you might be disappointed.

As for Willie Parker, I actually think he’ll be a serviceable RB2, which suits his average draft position just fine. He won’t match last year’s yardage total, but he should make up for that by scoring a few more TDs thanks to a high-powered offense that’s returning all of its key starters.

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