The Brady Injury: How Do You Move on from Here?

If, like Rocco P., you drafted Brady early in Round 1, you’ve probably spent much of the past three days acting like Ace Ventura after he found out that Finkle was Einhorn and Einhorn was a man. But now that your bathtub is sufficiently filled with your own tears, it’s time to focus. There are 12 or 13 weeks left in your regular season, and Dan Marino ain’t walking through that door.

You can either sit around and get some cheese for that whine or you can get out there and save your season. Fortunately, if you followed Mr. T’s draft advice, you should be in a good position to move forward. Here’s what I said:

“If you draft Brady, Manning, or Romo, don't worry about drafting a backup QB early. If Brady, Manning, or Romo get hurt, you're probably screwed anyways. Draft guys for your bench that you can trade later.”

If you followed this advice, you likely have names like Matt Forte, Chris Johnson, Jerricho Cotchery and DeSean Jackson littering your bench. Now, chances are, there’s some jerky in your league who’s starting Selvin Young, Lawrence Maroney or Laveraneus Coles, and, chances are, he feels as good about himself as that slightly chubby girl who hangs around until last call only to go home by herself and pass out to an episode of Sex and the City.

Assuming you’re in a 1 QB league, here’s what your options look like in my order of preference:
1) Use your depth. Flip one of your bench guys for a Brett Favre-type who at least gives you a chance to compete every week. After all, going home with a 6 always beats going home by yourself.
2) Go big. Trade your starting RB or WR for an elite QB and an additional bench player, because unless you’re Ray Farmer, most of the time, you can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit. Trading one of your top picks is never easy, but you have to remember, Brandon Marshall is a dude on your fantasy team, not your girlfriend – don’t get emotionally attached.
3) Scout the waiver wire. Chad Pennington didn’t look horrible. Matt Cassel has Moss to throw to. I won two leagues in ’05 with Josh McCown as my quarterback. And no, four strippers, three Croatians, and two cabbies did not comprise the other members of the league.

Just don’t piss off other league members with terrible trade offers. There’s nothing I hate more. Once you offer me Eddie Royal and a McDonald's Double Cheeseburger for T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Peyton Manning, I’m tuning you out for the rest of the season. Get something done before Week 2 so you can move forward.
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I Hate You, Tom Brady

I hate you, Tom Brady. I hate you and Giselle and all of the annoyingly perfect children you two will one day produce.

Tom, in the eight years I've been playing fantasy, I've never drafted a quarterback in the first round. Not once. But this year, there I was with the #4 overall pick, and there you were, Tom, staring me right in the face with your GQ-cover looks, Brazilian supermodel girlfriend, and 50 TDs. In a moment of weakness, I drafted you over Brian Westbrook, who slid to #4. I was even happy about it. I had the best player in all of football and was on my way to building a playoff-contending roster.

And then Bernard Pollard crawled his way across the turf at Gillette Stadium and grazed your ACL with his right hand.When it happened, a pall fell over the bar where I was watching the game. But I wasn’t worried. It’s Tom Brady, he’ll be okay, I reassured myself. He’ll probably come back in the second half. But now you’re likely out for the season and I’ve got my dick in my hands. What the fuck, Tom Brady?

No, seriously, what the fuck?

How does a guy who’s never missed any significant time despite being listed on the injury report every week for two years with a sore shoulder crumple after the lightest contact? How does a guy who threw for 50 TDs last year throw 0 this year? Do you know who my backup is, Tom? Jamarcus fucking Russell. That’s how much confidence I had in you. Of course, I can see now that this is all karmic payback for Spygate and all the times you ran up the score on hapless opponents last year. But what did I do to deserve all this?

I drafted you, Tom Brady, that’s what. And now I’m fucked. I hate you.

- Rocco P., South Bend, IN

Who else do the people hate?

I hate Rashard Mendenhall and Willie Parker...which means I hate Mike Tomlin. All I hear in the off-season is how Parker isn't the same, how Mendenhall is a stud ready to take over in the red zone and share the load. Naturally, my first game (against a certain Mr. T, in one of his 30 leagues) was against Parker, and I started Mendenhall at the flex (it's 12-team league). You know the rest. As Public Enemy put it, don't believe the hype.

- Charles C., New York, NY

Ed. We gave you the heads-up about Parker and Mendenhall last week.

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