I Hate You, Tom Brady

I hate you, Tom Brady. I hate you and Giselle and all of the annoyingly perfect children you two will one day produce.

Tom, in the eight years I've been playing fantasy, I've never drafted a quarterback in the first round. Not once. But this year, there I was with the #4 overall pick, and there you were, Tom, staring me right in the face with your GQ-cover looks, Brazilian supermodel girlfriend, and 50 TDs. In a moment of weakness, I drafted you over Brian Westbrook, who slid to #4. I was even happy about it. I had the best player in all of football and was on my way to building a playoff-contending roster.

And then Bernard Pollard crawled his way across the turf at Gillette Stadium and grazed your ACL with his right hand.When it happened, a pall fell over the bar where I was watching the game. But I wasn’t worried. It’s Tom Brady, he’ll be okay, I reassured myself. He’ll probably come back in the second half. But now you’re likely out for the season and I’ve got my dick in my hands. What the fuck, Tom Brady?

No, seriously, what the fuck?

How does a guy who’s never missed any significant time despite being listed on the injury report every week for two years with a sore shoulder crumple after the lightest contact? How does a guy who threw for 50 TDs last year throw 0 this year? Do you know who my backup is, Tom? Jamarcus fucking Russell. That’s how much confidence I had in you. Of course, I can see now that this is all karmic payback for Spygate and all the times you ran up the score on hapless opponents last year. But what did I do to deserve all this?

I drafted you, Tom Brady, that’s what. And now I’m fucked. I hate you.

- Rocco P., South Bend, IN

Who else do the people hate?

I hate Rashard Mendenhall and Willie Parker...which means I hate Mike Tomlin. All I hear in the off-season is how Parker isn't the same, how Mendenhall is a stud ready to take over in the red zone and share the load. Naturally, my first game (against a certain Mr. T, in one of his 30 leagues) was against Parker, and I started Mendenhall at the flex (it's 12-team league). You know the rest. As Public Enemy put it, don't believe the hype.

- Charles C., New York, NY

Ed. We gave you the heads-up about Parker and Mendenhall last week.

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You Know Who You Should Sit?

Matt Hasselbeck (QB – SEA) How many times have you passed on taking a top-tier quarterback in the hopes of landing Hasselbeck in Round 7 or 8? And how many times has he been snatched up by the douchebag picking directly in front of you, causing you to say things like, “You know, if he can stay healthy, I think Chad Pennington will surprise some people this year.” This year, you finally got him, and now I’m telling you to send him to the pine. Why? Three of his top four WRs are out, and on top of that he’s got a sore back. Look for the ‘Hawks to play it close to the vest this week.

You Know Who You Should Also Sit?

Jamal Lewis (RB – CLE) The combination of a sore hammy and a formidable Cowboys D will have The Human Anvil longing for the days he spent wandering around the yard trying not to get shanked by Adebisi and Kenny Wangler.

Anthony Gonzalez (WR – IND) Can’t you just see the Monday headline now, “Colts WR Harrison Scores Twice in First Start Back From Injury”?

Todd Heap (TE – BAL) Joe Flacco Is His Quarterback.
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You Know Who You Should Start?

Jon Kitna (QB - DET) Sure, Mike Martz is gone, but that’s like having your really hot but slightly crazy ex-girlfriend move across the country. Sure, you’re going to miss out on going back to the well for some wild nights in the sack, but you also won’t have to worry about her breaking into your house after seeing your new girlfriend’s car in the driveway (not that I know anything about that). A more balanced offense featuring rookie sensation Kevin “Silent Bob” Smith might take away Kitna’s potential for 400+ yard performances, but it will make him a more consistent fantasy performer. In addition to that, his receivers are finally healthy and an improved line should give him more protection. The Lions’ opponent this week? None other than the worst team in the NFL, the Atlanta Falcons, who will be starting two very inexperienced players at CB. Now find that rainbow and ride Kitna all the way to that pot of gold.

You Know Who You Should Also Start?

Kevin Smith (RB - DET), Roy Williams (WR - DET), Calvin Johnson (WR - DET) In case you couldn't tell, I'm not high on Atlanta's defense.

Darren McFadden (RB - OAK) D-Mac will shine at home against a lousy Broncos run defense.

Jerricho Cotchery (WR - NYJ) Favre’s new favorite target should take advantage of a young Miami secondary.

Tony Scheffler (TE - DEN) Finally elevated to #1 on the depth chart, Scheffler should see plenty of balls come his way without Marshall around.
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The Marble Ryan Lock of the Week

The opportunity to reap huge profits on a weekly basis is one of the most appealing aspects of football and, let's be honest, the American Way of Life. That's why every Friday, Marble Ryan will offer up The Marble Ryan Lock of the Week, an under-the-radar, sure-fire NFL pick backed by his proprietary insight. But be forewarned: we in no way advise you to actually take this pick to your local bookkeeper; in fact, we recommend against it. After all, if you hear a cold metallic tap on your door late at night, we're not going to be there to bail you out. But if you want a peek into the pre-eminent football mind of an entire generation, look no further.

It's Week 1 of our 2008 NFL adventure, and the new season is like a pair of dice flying through the air towards a Vegas craps table as onlookers gasp, intoxicated with a combination of anxiety, excitement, fear, and greed. Surprise is the only guarantee, though, and with that in mind I've decided to take an inordinate risk to kick off the campaign.

The city of San Francisco will have a barn-burner on its hands when the high-flying Cardinals come to town this weekend to square off against the hometown Niners. New Niners offensive coordinator Mike Martz will feel right at home in the City by the Bay, as his brand of finesse football has always been homo-friendly (I recall Tedy Bruschi referring to the St. Louis Rams offense as "totally gay" at the media day before Super Bowl XXXVI). And just like Alexander the Great's unstoppable march to Asia, it's the gayness of Martz's attack that makes it so difficult to defense. If anyone can turn J.T. O'Sullivan into a viable QB it's Martz, who discovered Kurt Warner at a milk bottle toss stand at a county fair in rural Iowa and transformed the flat-topped journeyman into the greatest QB that the NFL has ever seen over a four-year period.

As for the Cardinals, the song remains the same. Just like every summer dating back to 2004, there's been a lot of talk about how they're primed for a playoff run, but deep down, we all know they still suck. Arizona's sieve of a defense has no answer for the revamped Niners playbook, so lock up the home doggies to win outright at Candlestick this Sunday and enjoy the fireworks.

San Francisco +2.5 vs. Arizona
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At RB, Less Is (Even) More

Because there are more RB tandems in the league than ever before, we're dedicating a second post to looking at some of the most important ones.

Denver Broncos: Selvin Young and Andre Hall

Mike Shanahan has a long history of using RBs the way the hoppers in Season 3 of The Wire used cell phones, buying them in bulk and tossing them in the gutter after 300 minutes of use. Why, Shana-tan, why can't you just PICK A RUNNING BACK AND STICK WITH HIM?!? DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO US???

This year's Broncos RB offerings include Selvin Young and Andre Hall, two guys with talent who will at some point this season A) rush for over 150 yards, and B) eventually be benched in favor of someone on the practice squad. Also, if he’s able to come back from injury, rookie Ryan Torain could be a factor down the line. The point: stay away. Stay far away.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Willie Parker and Rashard Mendenhall

This one seems simple enough at first glance: the Steelers will use Quick Bill between the 20s and bring in the talented Mendenhall for the goal line work, creating a clear path to fantasy stardom for the rookie from Illinois.

But before you pencil Mendenhall in as your flex or RB2, consider that during the preseason he looked sluggish during goal line drills and had trouble hanging onto the football in game action. And, get this: Mike Tomlin recently told local beat reporters that most of the third down snaps will be going to…Mewelde Moore! If you drafted Mendenhall with visions of him catching third down passes and rumbling for 40 yards, you might be disappointed.

As for Willie Parker, I actually think he’ll be a serviceable RB2, which suits his average draft position just fine. He won’t match last year’s yardage total, but he should make up for that by scoring a few more TDs thanks to a high-powered offense that’s returning all of its key starters.

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At RB, Less Is More

From money to legroom to number of sexual partners, in America, we’re taught that more is always better. But in the world of fantasy football, more RBs aren’t necessarily a good thing – especially when they’re in the same backfield. As part of our Week 1 preview, we’re going to take a look at a few of the RB tandems affecting your teams and let you know what to expect this weekend.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew

MJD and Freddy T have been sharing duties in the Jaguars backfield for a couple years now, but like the Duff sisters they always leave you wanting a little more. Freddy has earned the right to shed his “fragile” moniker after playing in 15 games each of the past two seasons, but like Hilary, he just doesn’t seem relevant anymore. Most of his carries come between the 20s, leading to few scoring opportunities. Still, his consistent yardage totals make him a reasonable flex play.

Like Haylie, MJD is a little more appealing at first glance. He’s younger, got fewer miles on him, he scores TDs, and he’s got a hyphenated last name. But consider his stats from last year. Is that the kind of production you want to be getting from your RB2? Sure, that 125-yard, and 2-TD performance looks nice, but it was only one game. MJD’s a true two-face. You never know who’s showing up – the good, the bad or the ugly. All you can hope for is another Festivus miracle.

Dallas Cowboys: Marion Barber and Felix Jones

If you've been watching Hard Knocks, you’ve probably been blowing your load watching Felix Jones tear up the practice field. But as good as Jones has looked, the truth in the Dallas backfield is still Marion Barber. Barber will be getting a majority of the carries (likely 20 per game) for a potent offense, and he has a nose for the end zone. On top of that, On top of that, NFL.com ranks the Cowboys offensive line as the third best in the league. What’s not to like?

As for Jones, I don’t see him having too much value the way things sit right now. He’ll provide a change of pace, but he might not get more than 10 touches per game. In the best case scenario, the Cowboys line him up at flanker a few plays per game to help bolster their depleted WR corps. If Barber ever goes down, Jones’s stock will immediately soar, but until then he’s just the dick in the glass case – break in case of emergency.
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