You Know Who You Should Sit?

Greg Jennings (WR – GB) Marble Ryan's personal favorite "talented motherfucker" has been a beast so far this season, but the ride comes to an end this week as GJ runs head first into the immovable Titans defense. Tennessee has yet to allow a strong game from an opposing receiver this season, which is pretty amazing considering that it’s Week 9. Tennessee will shut down Jennings’ ability to get yards after the catch, which his fantasy value hinges on. Expect mediocre numbers, after which a frustrated Marble Ryan will immediately trade Jennings for the "explosivity" of Tyler Thigpen and a Brother Jimmy's pulled pork dinner and two side dishes to be named later.

You Know Who You Should Also Sit?

Brett Farve (QB – NYJ) Everyone's favorite gunslinger has returned! After tricking many of us into believing that in his old age, he’d discovered some maturity and restraint as a quarterback, Favre’s gone back to his old ways of trying to do way too much on his own and refusing the accept the fact that, regardless of what Deanna Farve says, he no longer has the physical prowess of a 27-year-old. He's thrown 7 interceptions in the past 3 games against some mediocre defenses. Expect him to struggle mightily against the solid Buffalo D.

Steve Slaton (RB – HOU) It might be tempting to start Slaton if Ahman Green is out this weekend as expected, but even with a full load of carries, Slaton won't be able to do anything against Minnesota's tough run D. Expect Houston to build their gameplan around Matt Shaub's rejuvenated arm and Minnesota's mediocre pass D. Even if he's the only Houston back playing, Slaton’s unlikely to get more than a handful of touches.

Terrell Owens (WR – DAL) The #2 WR taken in just about every fantasy draft, TO has been so disappointing of late that it's time to bench him — at least until Romo returns in 2 weeks. In the each of the past 3 games, Owens’ yardage totals have ended up in the 30s, and after scoring 5 times in the first 5 games, he hasn’t found the end zone since. I don't see Checkdown Johnson doing a much better job of getting him the ball this week, so you can expect more mediocre fantasy numbers and sideline pouting.

Edgerrin James (RB – ARI) His yards per carry average has been mediocre all season (and has been for each of the past 3 seasons, actually), but what’s kept Edge useful for fantasy purposes has been his guaranteed number of touches. Well, that trend seems to be mercifully coming to an end this year. With Arizona relying more and more on their explosive passing game and giving an increasing number of carries to rookie Tim Hightower (including all the goal line chances), it's about time to take the once-great RB out back and put him out of misery. Edge has had fewer than 10 carries in 3 of his past 4 games, and Arizona Coach Ken Wisenhunt recently referred to their RB situation as a "position battle." The last time Wisenhunt made such a claim, the "battle" was more of a massacre and "starter" Matt Leinart ended up on the sidelines with a clipboard in his hands. Expect a similar outcome here.
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You Know Who You Should Start?

Seeing is believing — at least that’s what a homeless guy said to me last night after I gave him a couple Hostess mini muffins. I decided to take the hobo’s good words into mind when deciding who will be extra productive this weekend.

Trent Edwards & Lee Evans (QB, WR — BUF) We start in Buffalo where we’ve seen Lee Evans refine his game to become a complete receiver. While no man will ever complain about his explosivity, Evans has also shown the ability to make short and medium-range grabs over the last two weeks. Historically, he owns the Jets, and this week should be no different. Last week I saw the Jets defense make Tyler Thigpen — the same one who was serving you French fries in August — look like a professional QB. Trent Edwards can actually throw the ball around a little, so things should be very positive for this Bills offense on Sunday. Besides, with the way Favre has been turning the ball over, the Bills should see some extra possessions. What’s not to like?


You Know Who Else You Should Start?

David Garrard (QB — JAX) Garrard has been consistent lately, throwing TDs in each of his last four games, doubling up in two of them. Add a Cincinnati defense that’s already picturing its offseason at the Waffle House counter and this should be a good one for Garrard.

Justin Fargas (RB – OAK) Insert a Sid Farkas joke here. No seriously, you insert it for me — I’ll be too busy watching Fargas run wild on a mediocre Falcons D with no injured McFadden to help him.

Donnie Avery (WR – STL) We told you to start Donnie Avery last week and the little man showed up. Press the action on #17 and see that roulette wheel payout again.

Kevin Curtis (WR – PHI) Last week’s game for the Seattle defense was an anomaly. Last time I checked, the Eagles are winners, a group Michael Singletary would be proud of. Andy Reid won’t need to drop trou at halftime to inspire his troops, either. That’s something no one wants to see.

Donald Lee (TE – GB) On Monday night, Dallas Clark was seen knifing up the Titans defense. Scouts have told Matthew Berry that defending the TE is the only weakness the Titans D has. I’ll see TMR’s recommendation and raise you.

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Cox Block: My Response to the Marble Ryan Lock of the Week

So this week instead of reading Marble Ryan’s cute little write-up of his standard shitty pick – he’s currently too busy at work to find the worst betting game of the week for you – you’re getting a pick that actually has a shot at netting you some cash.

I feel somewhat reluctant to publish my reasoning for this pick. After all, Marble Ryan might get the idea to actually start looking up this sort of information before submitting the picks that I’m required to bet against. But in the spirit of wealth redistribution championed by our next president, I feel obliged to go ahead write it. So here goes.

TENNESSEE -5 over Green Bay


My reasoning, you ask? Pretty simple. Consider all of the Titans ATS trends in play this week from my friends at covers.com:

• Titans are 7-0 ATS in their last 7 games overall.
• Titans are 7-0 ATS in their last 7 games on grass.
• Titans are 7-0 ATS in their last 7 games following a S.U. win.
• Titans are 4-0 ATS in their last 4 home games.
• Titans are 6-0 ATS in their last 6 games following an ATS win.
• Titans are 5-1 ATS in their last 6 games after accumulating less than 90 yards rushing in their previous game.
• Titans are 6-2 ATS in their last 8 home games vs. a team with a winning road record.
• Titans are 3-7 ATS in their last 10 games after scoring more than 30 points in their previous game.
• Titans are 0-5 ATS in their last 5 games when playing on Sunday following a Monday night game.

I left in the negative trends in just so I could point out that the last Monday night game that the Titans played was in 2004, so that last 0-5 — the only really alarming trend here — is put into perspective. You have to go back pretty far to find those 5 ATS losses. The only people picking based on the 3-7 trend are either monumentally desperate suicide poolers or guys with the first name Marble.

That said, only one of the positive trends really matters to me: Titans 7-0 ATS this season. Tell me this: when was the last time you saw someone successfully do something 7 times in a row and then bet against them doing it an 8th time?

Was it shooting free throws? Maybe picking up hot girls in a club? What about succumbing to heinous girls in an Upper East Side bar?

No, no and definitely no.

The answer is never. You never, NEVER, bet against this sort of trend until it has been broken. Betting trends are like great blow jobs – they always end – but until they do, you ride them out and treasure every moment.
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Great Debates in Fantasy Football: Is this one of the oddest deals of all time?

At 12:23 a.m. last night, the following came over our league news wire:
“Marble Ryan agrees to trade Matt Schaub, Larry Fitzgerald, Willis McGahee and Isaac Bruce to Bruno for Tony Romo, Randy Moss, Sammy Morris, and Eddie Royal.”

We’ve analyzed mediocre trades before, but this blockbuster definitely shook up the league. Did Marble Ryan move himself closer to a championship, or did he take Wo Ai Beijing out of contention?

Marble Ryan: I understand that on the surface it appears I've given up value with every component of the trade. You can make the argument that I should've been upgraded in another area for giving Schaub up for an injured Romo. Here's my rationale: I play Steve Stevens this week, so I have time to wait. I am very down on Fitz with Boldin taking away red zone looks, and I think Moss is on the rise. And finally, I don't believe Morris is really hurt — the Pats are just messing around — and I think he's a much better play than McGahee. I don't think he's going to be out two more weeks. He'll play Week 10 at the latest. Also, I had no WR3, and I like Royal much better than Bruce. I'm rolling with Orlovsky at QB for the time being. Not counting that safety, take a look at his numbers — he's actually been good. And do you really think Romo can't heal from a broken pinky after 5 weeks off? He'll be fine. Schaub just gets you what the defense gives him. He's got to play Tennessee and Baltimore later on, and I think he'll revert to the form he showed in the first quarter of the season.

Mr. T: Marble, on behalf of the league, I'd like to thank you for making this trade. You've ensured a better chance for all the rest of us to make the playoffs. You're way way too down on Fitz. The guy is a legit name receiver and you basically gave him away. Let's look at something:

Points:
Player A - 9, 15, 16, 12, 15
Player B - 8, 32, 8, 17, 18

Besides the anomaly week of 32 vs. 15, does it really look like one player is better than the other? This is what happens when you don't actually pay attention to the games at Blondies. Player A is Fitz and Player B is Boldin. Those are the 5 games they've been on the field together. There's really no difference in their numbers once you remove the outliers.

You made this statement that you'd only trade Fitz for a legit RB and you didn't get that in this deal. So, nice job there. If this had been Schaub and Fitz for Romo and Moss, then it might've made some sense. But of the final six games of the fantasy season, Romo’s going to miss two of them. When he comes back, what's he really worth? 5 points a game?

Right now the best QB is averaging 18 a game and guys like Pennington, Garrard, Campbell, and Delhomme all average between 5-8 points less. For your RB2 and flex positions right now, you’ll be choosing between Morris (injured for at least 2 more weeks), Deuce (suspension looming), Selvin Young (banged up and crummy), and Kevin Smith (splitting carries). And when McAllister gets suspended in mid-November, what are you gonna do then?

You also say that you wanted to upgrade at WR3. Royal hasn't scored a TD since week 2. His yardage totals with Brandon Marshall in the lineup are 37, 11, 104, 23, and 71. I hate to break it to you, but he’s not a WR3.

Michael J. Cox: Marble, who are you starting at QB the next few weeks? You could be out of this thing before Romo even gets back, and the guy has a broken finger on his throwing hand. Did you see that thing he was wearing on it the game he was active? Think that's worth rolling with Seneca Wallace or Dan Orlovsky for 2-3 weeks when Schaub has been lights out lately? Also, do you really think Morris is going to be that strong of an option after Faulk & Green-Ellis have put in decent showings with him out? This is a Bill Belichick fantasy RB situation here. It doesn't turn out well over the long term for anyone.

The Slow Eater: I think that Marble Ryan doesn't appreciate the godsend that is Fitz. I know you crave explosivity, but you have to give Fitz's consistency some love. The last game in which he had less than 80 receiving yards and failed to score a TD was Week 1…of last season! That's a full season and a half of solid numbers he's been putting up every single week, with some monster games thrown in the mix. Having a WR like that gives you a huge edge. I'm very concerned that I'm going to regret not trading you for him when I had the chance. I just realized that I'm going against Bruno this week, and whereas of yesterday he was going to start Jamarcus Russell and Tyler Thigpen at QB, and Morris, who isn't even going to play this week, at RB, I have to deal with facing Schaub, Mcgahee, and Fitz. Fuck!

Steve Stevens: Just say "No" to Lions, Marble. You're making my draft mistake all over again with your acquisition of Kevin Smith and Orlovsky...

Torry Hallelujah: When this trade came over the wire, I thought about how Michael J. Cox was saying that there's definitely something to taking the Malcolm Gladwell "instinct is everything" approach when picking NFL games. My instinctive reaction to this swap? One of the worst trades I've seen in my 8 years of playing fantasy football.

Marble Ryan: You have a point about the Lions, but Orlovsky is a temporary backstop. You guys have no idea how frustrating it is to watch Warner never take his eyes off Boldin in the end zone, and then watch Boldin effortlessly get open for the TD grab while Fitz stands there pleasantly. It was great when Boldin was out, but that's over now and Fitz is back to being the #2 guy. If he's so great, why did I never receive one legit offer for him when he was openly on the block? There was no bid, and there has to be a reason for that. Deep down everyone wants to avoid him because of the Boldin overhang. And let's just wait and see what I get from Moss and Morris. I'm making a bet, and I like the direction they are going. Everyone loves Fitz until they think about giving something up for him, evidently. You all could have had him, you all could have drafted him. He's only worth something when you can trash me for setting him loose.

Mr. T: Marble, you always say you make one trade too many. This is that trade. How does this trade resemble a legitimate offer? An injured QB, a WR without his QB, an injured mediocre RB, and a WR4? And you're going to deal with a Belichick situation with injuries? Good Luck with that. You do realize Moss played better in the two games where Cassel was throwing at home, right? Of course he's gonna be better at home. And Moss' games weren't even that good! Apparently McGahee's TDs in back-to-back weeks was too much for you to handle. Your RB situation is absolutely putrid now. The problem here is you never seem to grasp the idea of market value. You traded away guys at their highest values, but you didn't receive guys whose market values were on the same level. When you buy low, you don't give up quality!

Marble felt like Mike Shanahan hasn't tossed his salad enough that he figured he'd ask Belichick to do it now. Jelly or syrup, big guy?
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"The Line Up" with The Lieutenant

Watching Brett Favre play quarterback for the Jets might lead you to call Captain Wango for some extra ganj. I’ll give you a pass for now, but don’t let me catch you doing it again. Otherwise we’re shipping you up to the Federal Penitentiary in Quahog. Enjoy the ol’ pound me in the ass prison. Giggity.

Pineapple Express

- After issuing last week’s rap sheet, Santonio Holmes got caught outside of Mellon Arena with a couple of blunts. Holmes’ SUV was mistaken for another vehicle supposedly carrying “a large amount of narcotics.” The S.O.B was at the wrong place at the wrong time, but brother should’ve gotten himself some in-state plates! I guess he didn’t realize people actually go to Penguins games now. Maybe Sid the Kid supplied an assist for the 5-0. But with the team suspension out of the way, Holmes should be a safe play for the rest of the season. Since Holmes has stayed clean since his assault charge of '06, the league won’t drop the hammer until everything flows through the courts. Over the rest of the season, I expect him to put up numbers on par with last year.

- Deuce McAllister must have himself confused with my 15-year-old daughter. Feeling like he needed to lose a deuce or ten after his knee surgery, McAllister took a weight loss supplement that also serves as a masking agent. Deuce, if you feel like you need to “freshen,” just give me a heads up. As George Costanza once said, “I’m concerned — I’m paying for those meals!” The suspension appeals apparently aren’t being heard until mid-November, which means Deuce is in the clear in the short term. After the Saints’ Week 9 bye, he’s got primetime matchups against Atlanta and KC. You might want to nab Pierre Thomas as a little insurance, though. Reggie Bush should return by the time Deuce gets put on lockdown.

Chris Henry Watch

Have you seen that Cincinnati offense? That shit is fucking depressing. You’ll need a few qualudes just to watch their games. And while you’re on that shit, don’t be cracked up enough to pickup Chris Henry. The only thing he’s got at is taking the new stereo out of your new Mazda M6.

I Got Effed Auto-drafting on Yahoo

I’m almost ready to give up on my fantasy season. Shit has gotten so bad that Curly over in Cell Block D beat me last week. If he weren’t behind bars for the next 70 years for killing his wife, I might care.

Week 8 Total:

QB: Ingle Martin (0 pts) – Quinn Gray passed him on the depth chart this week. Fuck!

RB: Pierre Thomas (2 pts) – Hope Sean Payton enjoyed his crumpets…

RB: Adrian Peterson (0 pts) – I still can’t believe I drafted the wrong fucking Adrian Peterson.

WR: Brandon Middletown (0 pts) – Why me?

WR: Early Doucet (0 pts) – Dude’s only catch got him an STD.

RB/WR: John Paul Foschi (0 pts) Herm, seriously! Look to Foschi to ice the game.

TE: Anthony Becht (0 pts) – At least the Jets drafted a franchise QB that year.

D: St. Louis (7 pts) – Didn’t they realize Matt Cassel licks ball sack?!?

K: Nick Novack (0 pts) – When you can’t make a 39-yard FG, you get cut.

This Day in Fantasy Football: October 30, 1995

When Richard Richards refused to trade Eric Metcalf to Billy Murphy in their fifth grade fantasy football league, Murphy put some pubic hair in Richards’ mashed potatoes. Unfortunately, the worst was yet to come for Richards, as Murphy was the proud owner of pubic lice. Upon digesting the mashed potatoes, Richards passed out and hit his head on the table. The head injuries were so severe that Richards was unable to make adjustments to his starting lineup for Week 9 and eventually missed the playoffs by half a game.
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Reversing the Trend: When Good Players Go Bad (and Then Maybe Become Good Again)

The fantasy football season is long, especially if you make the playoffs. I know, I know, that sounds like something that would come out of the mouth of Emmitt Smith, but bear with me for a minute here.

See, for probably half the teams in your league, the fantasy football season is already over. For the teams still in the hunt, though, the season is only just beginning.

Here’s what I mean: every team in the league likely has at least one bust on the roster. It usually involves a veteran player who was drafted high based on reputation and past performance. And while these busts seem like terrible albatrosses for their owners right now, the fact is that some will eventually emerge and will likely play a role in determining who advances to the championship game.

Back in 2002-2003, I won a fantasy league mostly thanks to Randy Moss’s 113-yard, 2 TD performance in Week 15. This doesn’t seem surprising at all in retrospect, but Moss actually had a terrible season in 2002. Before Week 15, Moss was averaging 78 yards and .38 TDs a game – numbers far below what he was expected to put up. Remember, this was the year that Moss ran over that traffic cop with his car.

So which highly-drafted stars will fall into the Randy Moss category this year? Let’s take a look at some that will – and won’t – reward you for your patience down the stretch.

Ben Roethlisberger (QB – PIT) I drafted Big Ben in Round 3 (hey, it’s a 2-QB league), and, to be honest, the results have been really disappointing. He continues to show flashes of brilliance on his deep throws to Nate Washington, but Ben is just throwing too many picks this year. If you look at Ben’s career, his seasons have a way of finishing how they started (good, really good, terrible, great), so the outlook isn’t good for the big kid from Ohio. Throw in the toughest schedule the NFL has seen since the era of Sammy Baugh and Y.A. Tittle and you have a guy who’s probably not going to come around before the season’s end. On the bright side, Mike Tomlin said that Ben reinjured his shoulder in the Giants game.

Ryan Grant (RB – GB) I shared my positive outlook on Grant in last week’s now infamous lists column, and my opinion hasn’t changed much. The biggest problem with Grant has been his hammy, and that has seemed to come around in recent weeks (Grant notched his first 100-yard game the week before the bye). When the throwing conditions in Lambeau start to worsen, look for the Pack to ride Grant, who showed last season during the playoffs that he’s a late-season performer.

Derek Anderson, Braylon Edwards, and Kellen Winslow (CLE) As soon as the Browns are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs and the pressure dissipates, look for this trio to start putting up major numbers. In a 1-QB league, it’s possible you’ll be able to find Anderson (or Brady Quinn) on the waiver wire. Edwards and Winslow are guys worth buying low on.

Plaxico Burress (WR – NYG) The malcontent from Michigan State only has 3 TDs on the year and hasn’t recorded a 100-yard game since Week 1. The Giants’ schedule doesn’t get much easier from here, but I think Plax is a guy who’s going come on down the stretch, provided the Giants don’t completely run away from the division. Burress is dying to get back at the coaching staff after all of those fines. What better way than a few big TDs followed by angry glares to the sideline?

Roy E. Williams (WR – DAL) Roy E. Biv’s longhorn salute after he scored a TD last week was nice, but I wouldn’t expect many more of them until Tony Romo comes back in November. As I said in last night’s podcast, though, I’m incredibly bullish on the Cowboys from a fantasy perspective; once #9 does return to action, I expect them to start lighting it up. Roy’s yardage totals will never be great because of all the weapons Dallas has on offense, but I can see him becoming a T.O. touchdown thief – and a solid #2 fantasy WR – by the end of the season.

Torry Holt (WR – STL) He’s got nowhere to go but up. I’m not sure how you can put this guy in your starting line-up until he shows some signs of life, but you should definitely keep him on your roster. The emergence of Donnie Avery should result in less double teams for the man formerly known as “Big Game.” If you’re planning a trade with an owner who has Holt, it’s worth seeing if you can get him involved in the trade as a throw-in.
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Week 9 Podcast: "I did not realize Kevin Walter was white. Did not realize that."

Marble Ryan joins Torry Hallelujah to discuss the Matt Schaub's explosivity, the trend toward smaller receivers, and who’s hot and who’s not on the waiver wire.

Donwload the Podcast



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Being Bad isn't Always Good

As Marble Ryan mentioned during last week’s podcast, there’s many an NFL team in disarray. Due to injuries and suspensions teams like the Lions, the Seahawks, and even the Dallas Cowboys are shadows of their former prolific selves. Good fantasy football GMs adjust accordingly in these hard times. Unfortunately, you can’t repackage these mediocre offenses and sell them to a small municipality in Australia to save your season. After spending his Monday restructuring the Icelandic banking system, Mr. T is here for you. This week we look at the teams in disarray and let you know who is still a viable commodity.

Cincinnati Bengals – Entering the season as a possible offensive juggernaut, the Bengals now appear as washed up as Suzanne Somers. If you look ahead on the schedule, opponents such as Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Baltimore, and Washington have you reaching for that emergency pair of Huggies. T.J. Houshmandzadeh is the only automatic weekly start and that’s even a tenuous label. He’s caught 7 balls or more in his last four games, but his yards per catch and end zone opportunities have been limited. Chad Johnson should remain on your pine since he won’t be breaking off big plays with Ryan Fitzpatrick behind center. Fitzpatrick himself is a name we hope you never have to see in the starting lineup. Cedric Benson has emerged as a bye-week flex play, but he’d provide more entertainment on your yacht than in your starting lineup.

Dallas Cowboys – Where have you gone Big O in Big D? You know it’s desperate times when Brooks Bollinger’s name comes up as a possible QB replacement for Brad Johnson. Neither player would be a wise insertion into your starting lineup. Is it possible that Terrell Owens is no longer an automatic fantasy start? Better options might exist for you. Marion Barber is the only sure thing against the Giants this week. Thankfully Tony Romo should return in two weeks, one of which includes a bye, to return order back to your dynamic Dallas options.

Detroit Lions – Fantasy owners like Steve Stevens long for the days when they could cash in their frequent flyer miles on Air Martz. An injured QB and a trade have left the Lions cupboard mostly bare to fantasy owners. Calvin Johnson may be Megatron, but he’s hardly more than a high end WR3 with Dan Orlovsky at QB. The last two weeks have shown that despite the desire to get Johnson the ball, it takes a Hail Mary and a 90+ yard touchdown for him to be effective. The Lions insistence on playing Rudi Johnson is ridiculous. Kevin Smith should be getting the carries given his possibility for growth, but since Rod Marinelli is coaching the Lions and not serving you a slice of Sicilian at your local pizzeria, neither RB should be used. Choose Smith if in need of a bye week fill-in because at least he sees passing downs and the Lions will always be losing.

Kansas City Chiefs – Not going anywhere for a while LJ? Grab a Snickers. After Larry Johnson comes out of Commissioner Goodell’s office on Tuesday, he may be suspended for the foreseeable future. Regardless he was rather mediocre when he played. The Lieutenant already touched on the K.C. backfield last Thursday. Surprisingly both Dwayne Bowe and Tony Gonzalez have been productive with Tyler Thigpen. While Thigpen should prove to be worthless, Gonzalez is a must start at TE and Bowe is handling himself well as a low end WR2 or high end WR3. If only he could grab himself some TDs…

Seattle Seahawks – The Seahawks might have the largest dearth of healthy offensive talent in the NFL right now. Once regarded as a viable RB2 or flex play, Julius Jones has shown what I expected over the last four weeks. All the receivers are useless with Seneca Wallace looking less effective than Tommy Callahan at getting you a good look at a T-Bone inside a Butcher’s ass. Wait, it was your bull…
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Scout’s Take: In which we discuss a trade of the emergence of Matt Schaub, Jamal Lewis' consistency, and the ghost of Santonio Holmes

Each week, our scouts gather to share their observations on the most noteworthy Sunday performances. Unfortunately, after blowing all of our money at Gray's Papaya, we had to fire them all. In their place are Lafayette Gold, Marble Ryan, Mr. T, and Torry Hallelujah, who let us know what they took away from the Week 8 action.

Mr. T: I'm willing to finally take some heat for the Schaub/Jones trade now that it looks like JTO has lost his job. I should've let nature take its course. You wanted JTO more than Schaub, I should've let you have him. And I still would've been able to get Tom Jones. Sometimes you gotta let the animals control the zoo. I still contest it's not a bad trade on my part. I have no problem with Jones. He's produced well the last three weeks. If only the Jets had a half decent offensive coordinator who didn't let Favre throw all the time. And the Anvil netted me Lee Evans, who has been consistent. I still can't believe Michael J. Cox stroked me with 137 though. Wow.

Marble Ryan: You only look bad in the trade because you refused to give up JTO. It's not just that JTO has lost his job, but Schaub is averaging about 25 ppg since he relocated to Beijing. I can't take credit since I basically begged you for JTO and only capitulated for Schaub since I was desperate. It's a bad trade for you because your QB situation is the worst in the Lig. Favre is going to retire mid-season and your #2 has been benched. I don't even know who else you have, but I don't think you can make the playoffs with that QB situation and a WR situation that isn't much better...

Mr. T: Yep. Like I said, I should've let you get what you wanted. Schaub's had the luck of a really cushy midseason schedule. We'll see what happens once he starts facing tougher defenses. Minnesota this week should be good for him, but then Baltimore and Indy should clamp down a little.

Mr. T: I still say Steve Stevens made the bigger mistake trading Moss for Julius Jones. Jones has rushed for 61, 44, 42, and 9 in the last 4 games. He doesn't get the goal line carries. And Steve could've had Jamal Lewis from me, but he chose Jones instead. Say what you want about the anvil, but he's pretty damn consistent. Michael J. is learning that now...

Marble Ryan: The Anvil is consistent. But no one wants to own him. How could you, it's so unglamorous? Owning the Anvil is like dating an unfortunate looking woman who's always cooking for you and giving you back rubs and generally treating you very nicely.

Mr. T: You do realize he scored more points this week than Portis, Barber, Slaton, McGahee, Jacobs, Graham, Turner, Brown, and MJD. That's a pretty nice back rub.

Lafayette Gold: How bout that money Holmes for Rhodes trade by the A-Team last week?

Mr. T: Dude it’s one week and Rhodes hasn't even played his game yet. You've now unleashed yourself to receive numerous emails when Holmes breaks out his 130-yard and 2 TD effort against San Diego in Week 11.

Marble Ryan: Yeah Lafayette, you better take that kind of talk down a notch, lest the fantasy gods strike you down with a Dom Rhodes sports hernia and a Santonio Holmes explosion all over the Lig. In fact, for the sake of the rest of the Lig, I think all ragging on Mr. T should be suspended until his team falls to 4-6.

Mr. T: I'd like to point out that I also play Lafayette next week. Just saying.

Torry Hallelujah: Have any of you guys realized that the Panthers are 6-2? Reading MMQB, and Peter King has them fourth in his power poll. What’s going on in this league, people?

Torry Hallelujah: Also: Roddy White is a man.

Mr. T: I think the Chargers regain the crown as most inconsistent team in football. And how about dem GIANTS!!!

Marble Ryan: I think the water pill issue is ridiculous. The ingredient isn't on the bottle! How do you suspend someone four games for that?! You can't expect players to take every supplement they take to the trainer when they probably just looked at the ingredients and thought they were cool. On countdown Mortensen said Goodell will argue they should've gotten the pills analyzed, like in Seinfeld when they took the frozen yogurt to the lab. What a joke.

Marble Ryan: What do you think the ratings would be like on a Panthers-Titans Super Bowl? Would that have any impact at all or is the Super Bowl small market proof?

Mr. T: I'm sure it'd be no Giants/Patriots, but it can't be any worse than Oakland/Tampa Bay or St. Louis/Tennessee.

Torry Hallelujah: I think that worse than the locale of those teams is the fact that neither team has any real superstars. Steve Smith isn’t what he used to be, the QBs are both marginal, and the RBs all split carries.

Mr. T: Smith is still pretty good. You should've seen his long TD yesterday. Nice tightrope job on the sideline.

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The Glorious Rise and Fall of J.T. O’Sullivan

There are few things in life more perversely satisfying than watching something that’s value has been grossly inflated start to deteriorate. Whether it’s the price of a bank stock or the self-esteem of a girl who thinks she’s much hotter than she really is, it’s always fun to see something get cut down to size. It’s just human nature.

That’s why I reveled in J.T. O’Sullivan’s epic 131 yard, 0 TD, 3 turnover performance (in one half!) yesterday against the lowly Seahawks. That’s why I laughed uncontrollably after O’Sullivan got benched in favor of Shaun Hill, and especially after hearing that the Niners will be using the bye week to reassess their quarterback situation.

Prior to Sunday’s game, O’Sullivan’s numbers hadn’t exactly been gaudy – he’d been throwing for an average of 221 yards and a little over 1 TD per game – but they were much better than they had any right to be, especially during an NFL season in which no NFL QB has been able to light it up the way Brady or Romo did last year. And let’s not forget: the Niners have been really effing bad, too.

See, O’Sullivan’s greatest strength as a fantasy player – the fact that he’ll hold onto the ball forever, throw into double coverage, basically anything to make a play downfield – is the biggest reason why he’s not a good actual player. Let’s be honest: without Martz, O’Sullivan would be just another marginal player, no better or worse than Dan Orlovsky or Jeff Smoker or whoever the Lions are currently starting. But because Martz coaches like he’s a long-time fantasy GM who was inexplicably given the shot to run an NFL offense, O’Sullivan has been a fantasy force.

But that’s all over now. In possibly the worst performance by a QB since Randy Fasani went 5-for-18 for 46 yards and 3 INTs, it all ended for the man known as J.T. O’Suckedagain. Mike Singletary ain’t putting up with that crap.

As of last week, it looked like O’Sullivan was the kind of guy who could win you a fantasy championship. O’Sullivan owners likely – and smartly – avoided drafting a QB until the late rounds, opting to use their high picks on the Matt Fortes and Roddy Whites of the world. Now? Those owners are scouring the waiver wire for a replacement. Good luck. Let me know how Joe Flacco works out for you. Really, I wish you two all the best.
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You Know Who You Should Sit?

Darren McFadden (RB — OAK) Pop. That’s the sound Rashard Mendenhall's collarbone made when it met Ray Lewis. Honestly, it never had a chance. Sure, the Big Ten had physical players, but none with the superhuman qualities of Lewis, a player so freakishly talented that he was able to kill a man without having to go to prison. Up next for Lewis is Darren McFadden, who after a dominating college career has had trouble running against NFL defenses. Think Ray Ray can’t smell the blood in the water? He's already got one rookie's body part above his fireplace and he's looking for another. It doesn't help that McFadden might've reinjured his toe while getting a rub and tug after practice this week. If he’d only asked, I could've sent him to my girl Hee-sook — she would’ve been a little more careful.

You Know Who Else You Should Sit?

Matt Ryan (QB — ATL) Give Jim Johnson two weeks to prepare for a rookie QB and he’ll get results. Poor Matty Ice won’t stand a chance.

Dominic Rhodes (RB — IND) Last week was a nice honeymoon for Rhodes, but the tides will turn this week against the Titans. Dominic, meet Mr. Haynesworth.

Mike Turner (RB — ATL) Obviously, I'm down on the Falcons this week. Turner's lone road triumph came at GB, not exactly the Steel Curtain.

Calvin Johnson (WR — DET) Two long bombs distorted Johnson's numbers from last week against Houston. This week Johnson goes up against a more formidable Redskins secondary. Sorry Megatron, but Shia Lebeouf wins today.

Bobby Engram (WR — SEA) Bobby is just looking for someone to play with. He wants someone to throw him the ball and he's about to complain to the Principal.
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You Know Who You Should Start?

Maurice Jones-Drew (RB – JAX) There are a ton of reasons to love MJD this week. The Jags are coming off the bye. He's going against a Cleveland defense that allows opposing teams to run all over them just so that they never have to watch their shitty offense take the field. The Jaguars also have center Brad Meester back from injury, which should solidify an offensive line previously held together by duct tape, a few sticks of Juicy Fruit, and an unidentified substance supplied by backup center Dennis Norman (we’ll just say it was cream).

Something else to consider: in the RGIQB fantasy league, Jones-Drew is on the team going up against Cousin Bowser, which, given the Italian strongman’s luck, probably means that MJD’s going to go off for 40 points. We don't know what Bowser did to bring on the karma he's been cursed with so far (rumors are that he spent the offseason running over old gypsy women with his car, playing cursed numbers in the lotto, and taking dumps on sacred Indian burial grounds), but I strongly advise jumping on board that gravy train while it’s still rolling.

Any of these facts would be valid reasons to start the diminutive RB with the hyphenated last name, but the main reason I’m giving MJD the start is that I’ve heard from my sources that he took the recent Yom Kippur holiday very seriously as a day of atonement, vowing more consistent fantasy production as well as less mixing of dairy and meat. The day of fasting also had the added bonus of shaving .2 seconds off of his 40 time. All in all, expect a huge game from the newly svelte and converted Mordecai Jones-Drew.

You Know Who Else You Should Start?

Thomas Jones (RB – NYJ) You shouldn't need me to tell you to start any running back who's fortunate enough to be going against my beloved Chiefs, but here it is anyway. As long as he doesn’t pull something during the course of an overly-ambitious TD celebration, you’ll be fine.

Jeff Garcia (QB – TB) You’re not at all excited about starting him, but coming off a 300-yard game and about to face a mess of a Dallas secondary, you have to give Garcia the nod. Expect decent numbers and minimal mistakes.

Vincent Jackson (WR – SD) Chris Chambers is listed as a game-time decision, and if he doesn't play, expect Jackson to put up some big numbers in what promises to be a shootout against the Saints. LDT is still not 100%, and as long as that's the case Rivers is going to be airing it out with abandon. Someone's got to catch some of those passes.

JT O'Sullivan (QB – SF) Everyone's favorite feast-or-famine QB should be in for a good game this week. The Seattle defense is strong against the run and weak against the pass, which will force the 49ers to rely more on JT's arm and less on Frank Gore. There's a good chance JTO will throw at least one pick, but his yardage and TD totals will do more than offset it.

Donnie Avery (WR – STL) The Patriots secondary is an absolute wreck, so much so that I expect even the Rams to be able to throw the ball deep on them. Avery is coming off back-to-back solid games, including last week’s tilt against the Cowboys in which he caught one TD and had a second one called back on a penalty. Steven Jackson looked great last week, but he’s banged up, so even if he plays the Rams will have to rely heavily on the passing game. Unless Belichick for orders a "Code Red" on the opposing quarterback for the second straight week, expect Avery to put up solid numbers and be a suitable bye week fill-in.
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Cox Block: My Response to the Marble Ryan Lock of the Week

With the glaring exception of the senior management of our major investment banks, poor performance is not rewarded in our society. The Marble Ryan Lock of the Week is on the ropes, people, so we’ve decided to bring on Michael J. Cox, one of RGIOQB’s other resident gamblers, to bet the other side of every one of Marble’s picks – and write a few sentences about how happy he is to do so.

This week, the Marble Ryan Lock of the Week was the Bucs (+2.5) on the road against the Cowboys, so MJC will be forced to bet the Cowboys (-2.5). Below, his feelings on the wager.

Any Joe Public who watched last week's games would have circled Bucs +2.5 over the Cowboys this week as a no-brainer. The Bucs looked so great at home against the Seahawks on Sunday Night Football last week that I was waiting for Cris Collinsworth to announce during the second half that he was pregnant with Jeff Garcia's baby and that they were planning a trip to Massachusetts during the bye week to make things official. Meanwhile, the Cowboys stunk out the joint on the road against a previously crappy but recently rejuvenated (yes, they're 2-0 under Haslett now) Rams team and Steven Jackson.

So it's no surprise that Marble's going in this direction. After all, he's Joe Public, the guy who gets routinely smoked by Vegas and then snuffed out in an ashtray at the McCarran Airport departure lounge.

I think there are three key differences between this Cowboys team and the Seahawks team that the Bucs trampled last week that you should take note of before considering such a wager:

1. The Cowboys are at home.
2. They don't employ Seneca Wallace and the worst collection of starting skill players in the NFL.
3. Jason Garrett isn't spending timeouts on the phone with his financial advisor trying to find out if he's still good to retire at the end of the year (see Holmgren, Mike). He's got a game under his belt with Brad Johnson now and has seen the limitations. Expect an offensive adjustment.

What was lost on Collinsworth, though probably not on Al Michaels, was that despite how the Bucs dominated the game, the Seahawks covered. In fact, they were within a TD of Tampa Bay with less than 5 minutes to go in the game. Are the Bucs really the kind of team you want to stake your cash on to cover as a road favorite against an above average team?

No, it isn't, but that's how they build big shiny casinos out in the Nevada desert – with blood, sweat, and dollars from guys like Marble Ryan. I'll take cash or check my man.
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The Marble Ryan Lock of the Week

A basic rule for novice stock traders is that when you think you've spotted a trend, you've probably arrived just in time for the end of it. That's how the experts make their piles of money: getting on the other side of the rookies who have completely missed the party. I suspect the same is true for NFL gambling, which is the only way I can explain my alarming futility over the past few weeks. Last week, my attempt to ride the wave was disastrous, as the briefly high flying Dolphins (my pick) seemingly stepped into a time machine before their game, in which they faced a Ravens team that looked like it was straight outta 2000. That's mud in my eye, I suppose, for being the dumb money.

Trouble is, sometimes the dumb money is the big money. And, there's a reason a trend can look just too tempting to pass up. I think I'll give it one more week before I start abiding the "opposite rule," which dictates that I examine my instincts and just go in the opposite direction – a strategy that worked wonders for George Costanza.

As for Week 8, though, two trends are calling my name. Trend #1: The Cowboys are a team in complete disarray, having started to decline even before Romo suffered an injury that makes him throw even more like a girl. Maybe Wade Philips hasn't lost the team, but he's definitely lost TO, who looks about ready to snap from the pain of less than 10 targets per game. Trend #2: The return of Jeff Garcia has revitalized the Bucs, who've won two straight in a very convincing fashion. Garcia may not have a big arm, but he knows how to pick apart a defense, especially a mediocre one, which is exactly what he'll be facing when the Ageless Wonders from Tampa roll into Dallas in Week 8. With my luck, this has "broken trend" written all over it, but I'm putting it all on the Bucs this week as road dogs against a Cowboys team that's gasping for air.

The pick (home team in caps): Tampa Bay +2.5 over DALLAS

Season record: 3-4

Every Friday, Marble Ryan will offer up The Marble Ryan Lock of the Week, an under-the-radar, sure-fire NFL pick backed by his proprietary insight. But be forewarned: we in no way advise you to actually take this pick to your local bookkeeper; in fact, we recommend against it. After all, if you hear a cold metallic tap on your door late at night, we're not going to be there to bail you out. But if you want a peek into the pre-eminent football mind of an entire generation, look no further.
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RGIOQB Celebrates Its 100th Post with a Festival of Lists!

In lieu of an actual column, here’s a set of refreshing lists for your fantasy-viewing pleasure:

Biggest threat to fantasy teams everywhere:
1. Mike Shanahan (still)
2. Yahoo’s mobile fantasy football page
3. The cesspool that is the Browns locker room

Running backs most likely to be out of the league in 2009:
1. Andre Hall
2. Edgerrin James
3. Andre Hall (he’s awful!)

Guys who will perform for you all season but will disappear on you in the playoffs:
1. Matt Forte
2. Aaron Rodgers
3. Andre Johnson

Guys who have underperformed all season but will turn it on toward the end of the season:
1. Steven Jackson
2. Matt Cassel
3. Ryan Grant

Players to whom Paul Silas would likely say, “I’ll see you next Tuesday”:
1. Joseph Addai
2. Lawrence Maroney
3. “Fast” Willie Parker

Guys who are decent but you just want to cut because they’re so effing boring:
1. Thomas Jones
2. Laveranues Coles
3. Hines Ward

If you started any of these players at any point, you’re probably 1-6:
1. Dan Orlovsky
2. Ray Rice
3. Robert Meachem

Most enjoyable storylines of the 2008 fantasy season:
1. The Wildcat offense (Can’t wait for this to make it into Madden)
2. The Colts: A Team in Disarray
3. Marble Ryan’s insistence on turning over his entire roster

Players who for some reason I just can’t stand:
1. JT O’Sullivan
2. Marvin Harrison
3. John Kasay

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"The Line Up" with The Lieutenant

Every Thursday, we'll be bringing you "The Line Up" with The Lieutenant, the head of law enforcement here at Rex Grossman headquarters. Raised by his hard-drinking father to believe that ridicule and justice go hand in hand, The Lieutenant will give you a weekly rundown of all the assault, drug, and shitting-in-a-laundry-basket charges filed against the players who populate your fantasy teams.

After spending the last three weeks on a sting operation to catch Nate Newton’s nephew’s cocaine cartel, I’m back and ready to rough up all these clowns who have been actin’ up. In honor of Herm Edwards’ return to New York, we’ll try to help you get a win this week (because Herm has no shot unless the Jets have re-hired his old time management coach).

Fresh Meat

- It seems like Larry Johnson is taking Usher’s words to heart: he tried to make love in the club, only he forgot to ask the girl’s permission first. Feeling spurned, LJ assaulted the girl and threatened to kill her boyfriend. Unfortunately, Maurice Clarett was in jail and couldn’t provide the necessary weaponry. LJ missed last week’s game, was suspended again by the team this week, and could face future discipline. It almost seems as if the Chiefs want nothing to do with him. In the meantime, you’ll want to stash Jamaal Charles over Kolby Smith because Charles has more burst. If you’re really looking for a replacement, get the hell out of the Kansas City backfield and invest in BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Aaron Stecker, or Maurice Morris. If Johnson ever steps to me, I might have to put him on the floor.

- If you remember, this past offseason Matt Jones was arrested after police found him in a parked car allegedly trying to cut cocaine with his Discover card. No wonder there’s a credit crisis. After Jones recently enrolled in a drug treatment program, it was rumored that he’d likely be suspended by the league for three games. Now NFL Network’s Adam Schefter is reporting Jones will be available this weekend against Cleveland. While you can never trust a stiff named Adam, the Browns provide a good opportunity for Jones, so start him if he plays. Look for Mike Walker or the overpaid Jerry Porter to take over his targets once the suspension starts.

Chris Henry Watch

When Roger Goodell recently asked Henry if he should be worried about him, Henry responded, “He ain't going to have any problems with Chris Henry." You have a problem if you’re counting on Henry helping you as long as his quarterback is Ryan Fitzpatrick. Drop Henry as quickly as Najeh Davenport dropped his feces in that girl’s hamper.

I got Effed Auto-drafting on Yahoo

My fucking fantasy team is getting destroyed this year. Not only am I losing to those two girls at the precinct, our damned K-9 beat me last week.

Week 7 Total:

QB: Ingle Martin (0 pts) - Ingle’s actually close to the field with all these injuries in KC.

RB: Pierre Thomas (0 pts) – He’ll shine now that Bush is out.
RB: Adrian Peterson (0 pts) – I can’t believe I drafted the wrong fucking Adrian Peterson.

WR: Brandon Middletown (0 pts) – Who?

WR: Early Doucet (0 pts) – And now Boldin is back…

RB/WR: John Paul Foschi (0 pts) Herm get this motherfucker the rock!

TE: Anthony Becht (0 pts) – I’m still waiting for that first round potential.

D: St. Louis (12 pts) – Nice! Long live Brad Johnson

K: Nick Novack (1 pts) – Seriously, dude can’t make a 39-yard field goal??

This Day in Fantasy Football: October 23, 1977

After roughing up three cops, two waitresses and a hooker at McFadden’s in Minneapolis, Chuck Foreman spent the night in the drunk tank. After getting out, he rumbled for 80 yards and 2 TDs against Green Bay to show that he’s an unstoppable force. What he didn’t realize is that all three cops were facing him in fantasy football that week. Upon returning to McFadden’s, Foreman was taken into the back alley, tasered, and beaten with 2x4s.
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Rex Grossman Fantasy League: 2008 Mid-Season Review

Now that we’re half way through the fantasy football regular season, let’s take a look at the teams in the Rex Grossman fantasy league and see how they shaped up to expectations with revised odds. The original review with odds for each team is included in italics. According to league rules, each team must start 2 QBs, 2 RBs, 3 WRs, 1 RB/WR, 1 TE, 1 K, and 1 D/ST.

Standings
The Slow Eater (5-1-1)
Torry Hallelujah (5-1-1)
Mr. T (4-3)
Michael J. Cox (4-3)
Lafayette Gold (4-3)
Marble Ryan (3-3-1)
Black Irish (2-3-2)
Bruno (3-4)
Steve Stevens (1-5-1)
Cousin Bowser (1-6)

Team: The Chefs 2.0
Owner: The Slow Eater

As it turns out, the Slow Eater’s QBs did have the tremendous upside that Hubie Brown craves. Rodgers and Cutler have been quite spectacular so far. As expected, the true find was Matt Forte, who has performed on par with most first or second round picks. If LT ever gets healthy and Edwards and Boldin live up to their potential, this team could give Hung a run for Top Chef. If only we could watch the games with Padma every week instead of the Slow Eater, then our lives would be complete.

Revised Odds: 7/2

I’m still looking into whether the envelope was frozen, but I’m resigned to letting him walk away with LT as the #1 pick. The QB duo of Aaron Rodgers and Jay Cutler only produced a combined 3700 yards and 21 TDs last year, but when you take into account the fact that John Mayer lined up under center more than Rodgers last year, there’s room for tremendous upside potential. Someone get Hubie Brown! I’m not sold on MJD, though. After he has one of his 5 carries for 12 yards games, the Slow Eater is going to be doing more screaming than Gordon Ramsay.

Odds: 13/2

Team: Full Retard
Owner Black Irish

After playing Take Five and finding a little bit of luck, Black Irish fell backwards into two lucky ties due to Monday Night meltdowns. AD has been healthy so far and Steve Smith has proven to be a fourth round bargain. Kyle Orton has been a better pickup than the 23-year-old with the low-cut shirt. With some health, he might stay out of the cellar, but the playoffs don’t seem realistic.

Revised Odds: 13-1

The enthusiasm with which Black Irish expressed his selection of Jeff Garcia in Round 8 says it all: this team’s in trouble. Can AD stay healthy for a full season? Getting Steve Smith in Round 4 seems like a bargain, but will he be consistent? How long will it be before Fasano finds himself on the waiver wire? With a bench thinner than the Olsen twins, Full Retard is one injury away from the ER. At least Mary Kate is good at working the phones after a tragedy.

Odds: 11-1

Team: Basketball on Grass
Owner: Lafayette Gold

When your picks in rounds 1, 3, and 4 are injured, that’s not a sign of prosperity. Bush outlasted Kim Kardashian on Dancing with the Stars, but now he’s hurt. The WRs did prove to be the strength of the team. You don't need to be the Mentalist to notice a lack of healthy explosive talent on the roster. With the injuries and the lack of playmakers, the bottom could drop out on this team real fast.

Revised Odds: 12-1

When people are openly wondering whether Reggie Bush will score more TDs than the number of weeks Kim Kardashian will last on Dancing With the Stars, your RB situation is a tad questionable. If Moss and Galloway start needing the medical staff, it could be a long season for the man with the golden gun.

Odds: 10-1

Team: The KL Crew
Owner: Torry Hallelujah

Brandon Marshall has left the gun-slinging to his QB and it's resulted in a very productive season for the WR thus far. The hamstring injury did prove to be an issue for Grant. Outside of his 4 TD game, Ronnie has been solid, but not spectacular. Torry Hallelujah might need to trade some of his team’s depth to secure more talent at QB, but this well rounded bunch isn’t going away.

Revised Odds: 4-1

While our man of faith was lucky to see Westbrook fall to #4 overall and Ryan Grant to #17, this backfield carries a significant injury risk, especially with Grant. Just ask Tyson Homosexual how a hamstring injury can affect your career. Assault, disorderly conduct, domestic violence, DUI, and a traffic violation – that’s not Pacman Jones’s rap sheet, it’s Brandon Marshall’s. That tally will cost him one game, plus counseling. God bless America.

Odds: 7-1

Team: Cousin Bowser
Owner: Cousin Bowser

Perhaps naming his team after a legendary video game villain wasn't the best idea. It's unclear whether the Italian strongman used his mob connections to have Bernard Pollard take out Brady's knees in retaliation for not having the chance to draft the QB in Round 1. We'd advise TO to switch to Garrett's Popcorn because whatever brand he's using right now isn't getting the job done. If he weren’t too focused on improving his max on the bench, Bowser might've traded one of his three quality QBs by now. There’s talent to get off the basement, he just needs to find some positive karma.

Revised Odds: 30-1

The Italian strongman is more known for brawn than brains, and it showed when he was talked out of making Tom Brady his #1 pick at the draft table. The Jackson-Owens combo should provide CB’s popcorn with all the butter it needs, though. It’s a shame that McNabb doesn’t have anyone to throw to, not that he could throw accurately if he did. Maybe it’s time for him to switch from Campbell’s Chunky to Progresso – it worked for Steamin’ Willie Beamon.

Odds: 10-1

Team: Luv2LikBalz@jack.com
Owner: Michael J. Cox

An invite to join the cast of “95 and Still Banging: The Return” kept Michael J. Cox away from making the necessary early season adjustments to his bench. Unfortunately Derek Anderson has taken such a liking to Brady Quinn's photos that he's lost the accuracy in his passes. He'll need consistency from Turner, Bowe, and Jamal to see some victories going forward. Maybe karma’s on his side, but the lack of depth has caused us to wonder if he’ll even sniff the playoffs.

Revised Odds: 23-1

After watching his fate ride on the shoulders of Jake Delhomme and Matt Leinart during previous seasons, Michael J. Cox was left with no choice but to draft Giselle’s boy toy with the #6 pick. Looking to solidify Derek Anderson’s status as the starter in Cleveland, Cox posted this photo of Brady Quinn on his personal blog. With a starting receiving corps consisting of Lee Evans, D-Bowe, and Kevin Curtis, though, Cox might need to take a shot in the mouth to pull off a trade for a top-flight WR.

Odds: 9-1

Team: The A-Team
Owner: Mr. T

Mr. T is still riding high after Wynona Ryder's advice to steal Barber and Witten, but Holt might as well be returned for store credit. Coach Janky Spanky has proven to be the best RB in fantasy football, but the QB situation is showing the softness of Blake Lively's cellulite-ridden thighs. With some depth and three trades in the bag, is he done dealing? He might not be the favorite anymore, but Mr. T’s certainly going to be a factor with a few more tricks up his sleeve.

Revised Odds: 9/2

The defending champs should've been arrested for grand larceny after the draft for stealing Barber, Holt, and Witten. Favre and Schaub are both question marks at QB, as one will battle age and learning a new offense while the other will have to hope he can stay on the field. In a 2 QB league, they’re a risk, but if they come through, this draft could be a dunk from the foul line.

Odds: 5-1

Team: 2Girls1Cup
Owner: Steve Stevens

A more appropriate team name might have been 2Guys1Horse as Steve Stevens' team might as well be left for dead after a 1-5-1 start. Without a horse cock to the colon to put him out of his misery, Steve will look to his strong receiving core of Andre, Calvin, DJax, and Vinny to save him from the cellar. The team is led by Drew Brees, but how far can he take them? Like Cousin Bowser’s squad, this team isn’t that bad.

Revised Odds: 10-1

After bagging Moss in Round 1 and two guys named Johnson with his fourth and fifth picks, Mr. Stevens has the league’s best receiving corps. But will all the rookies (Kevin Smith, Jonathan Stewart, DeSean Jackson) pan out? A better name for this team might be 3Youths1Prayer. Also, will Private Kellen Winslow wrap up his promotional tour for Tropic Thunder in time to take the field for Week 1?

Odds: 5-1

Team: Wo Ai Beijing
Owner: Marble Ryan

Marble Ryan's loins now crave explosivity as he actively searches the trade market for breakout talent. A few trades have shaken up his squad, but this finance maven sells on fear like the rest of Wall Street. Thankfully Ben Bernanke has provided a calming influence to keep Marble above water. Fitzgerald and Jennings have proven to the best 1-2 combination at WR. It’s a competitive bunch, but it lacks some star power. He should be able to keep the playoff streak alive, but I'm not willing to take a shit in a box and mark it guaranteed.

Revised Odds: 6-1

Marc Bulger spent more time on his back last year than Paris Hilton. Will the offense in St. Louis reemerge? Selvin Young’s slim-at-the-waist build might stir some passion in Marble Ryan’s loins, but will he be able to hold onto the starting job in Denver with Mike Shana-tan pulling the strings? Here’s hoping SY likes hanging from a string. Should Frank Costanza have gone with “The Bro” or “The Manzier?” Just ask Sid Farkas, bra salesman extraordinaire…and backup RB of the Oakland Raiders.

Odds: 8-1

Team: McCord Blows
Owner: Bruno

Bruno has discovered that Air Martz provides a plane without snakes for Frank Gore. After taking some time off from wrestling college students on the beaches of Miami, Bruno was able to flip Julius Jones for Randy Moss, which could prove future returns. He'll have to fight Jessica to get Tony back on the field to engineer a playoff push with the solid core of players on his roster.

Revised Odds: 7-1

Bruno, the most fabulous RG fantasy league competitor, seemed to draft with only his team photograph in mind. Bruno went with Romo and Rivers at QB because he thought they were face guys. Thankfully they can also sling the rock. He’ll hope for good chemistry with Favre & Coles. He always likes a good tight end. Finally, he hopes that Frank Gore rides Air Martz and rides it well.

Odds: 9-1
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Week 8 Podcast: "There's obviously something going on in that shower."

Marble Ryan makes his triumphant return to the podcast to talk with host Torry Hallelujah about what’s wrong with the Colts, Kellen Winslow’s staph infection, and yet another potentially self-destructive trade offer.

Donwload the Podcast



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Rating the Running Backs

Now that we’re halfway through the fantasy football season, it’s time to evaluate a position that most fantasy owners place a lot of importance on: RB. In most years, if you spend your first or second round draft choice on an RB, you can be sure that you’re getting a player who’s going to produce. This year, however, we’ve seen a change at the top. LaDainian Tomlinson is an inferior product who looks better in those Vizio commercials than he does on your roster. Southeast Jerome (aka Clinton Portis) is trampling defenders just like he used to do in Denver. While RBs aren’t always easy to land on the waiver wire, there are options available on the trade market. Let’s take a look:

The Charles Barkley Division (Fave Five)

1. Clinton Portis (WSH) As mentioned above, Portis has been running roughshod all over the lig this year. All of those carries may come back to haunt him next season, but right now, he’s the clear leader in the clubhouse among RBs.
2. Marion Barber (DAL) In Week 7, Marion the Barbarian proved that he can be effective with Checkdown Johnson running the offense. His status is only enhanced by his role in the passing game, the Felix Jones injury, and the fact that he’s the goal line back.
3. Steven Jackson (STL) Jackson has shown much improvement over the last three weeks and has left his owners feeling confident going forward. Coach Hayslett knows he needs to feed S-Jax the rock in order to keep his job.
4. Adrian Peterson (MIN) He occasionally looks like garbage, but he’s shown a spark the last two weeks, and that playoff schedule looks mighty fine.
5. Matt Forte (CHI) He hasn’t racked up huge yardage totals, but he’s consistent. He's scored TDs in 5 of his 7 games and his playoff schedule has the Saints and the Packers.

The Anne Hathaway Division (Rising Five)

1. Marshawn Lynch (BUF) Lynch has been somewhat uneven to start the season, but his schedule is incredibly easy from here on out. With NE, CLE, KC, SF, MIA, NYJ, and DEN on tap from Weeks 10-16, Lynch should be able to help your team with its playoff push.
2. Thomas Jones (NYJ) Over his first six games, Jones has 478 yards and 3 TDs. Multiply those numbers over a full season and you’re looking at 1,274 yards and 8 TDs. That's what I projected for him before the season and his upcoming schedule of KC, STL, NE, DEN, SF, BUF, and SEA should only help his stats.
3. Deuce McAllister (NO) With Bush out for somewhere between 3-6 weeks, Deuce will see a heavy workload. Pierre Thomas should steal some of his thunder, but Deuce should produce now that he's fully healthy from his knee injury.
4. Cedric Benson (CIN) Despite giving up 7 sacks on Sunday, the Bengals offense didn't look putrid. Benson ran rather effectively with his 14 carries and is now the starter in Cincinnati (for the time being, at least). Since he's not a factor in the passing game, his value is limited, but the possibility to sneak some TDs means you could do worse.
5. Tim Hightower (ARZ) Don't be fooled by the YPC numbers – Edge’s backup does most of his dirty work in short yardage and goal line situations. We're due for old man James to break down, and Timmy is ready to step in as an every down monster.

The Crude Oil Division (Falling Five)

1. Ryan Grant (GB) Everyone's excited after his first 100 yard game of the season against Indiapolis, but somewhere Lee Corso is shouting "not so fast my friends." He still lacks burst through the hole and running against the Colts isn't groundbreaking. The coaching staff is apparently upset with his inability to secure the football and that could mean a loss of future carries.
2. Brandon Jacobs (NYG) Beej has never been able to make it through a full season. The constant pounding he receives may make Ashlynn Brooke jealous, but it breaks down the 270lb RB. The carousel of carries doesn't help either as Derrick Ward and Ahmad Bradshaw see too much of the football for my liking.
3. Julius Jones (SEA) With Seneca Wallace at the helm, no one in the Seattle offense is worth owning. Jones looked extremely mediocre on Sunday and now a healthy Maurice Morris might steal half the carries. Since the Seahawks like Duckett in short distance and goal line packages, what are we getting from Jones here?
4. Le’Ron McClain (BAL) After some strong early performances, McClain's output the past two weeks has been rather pedestrian. McGahee looks strong and Ray Rice is sharing some of the load. The Ravens offense isn't exactly a juggernaut, so it's not like goal line carries are in vast supply. Mankiw would tell you the economics of the situation aren't good for LeRon.
5. Rudi Johnson (DET) Frankly, I’m not sure why the Lions brass is so confused over what to do about its RB situation. Rudi Johnson only has one productive game on his 2008 resume, so why do they keep force-feeding him the ball? Their RB of the future is averaging 4.9 YPC and has big play potential. As the season winds down, Smith will be the guy to own in the Motor City.
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Scout’s Take: In which we discuss a trade of Dominic Rhodes for Santonio Holmes, Peyton Manning’s inconsistency, and the fate of LaDainian Tomlinson

Each week, our scouts gather to share their observations on the most noteworthy Sunday performances. Unfortunately, after spending it all on the company outing to Montego Bay, we had to fire them all. In their place are Cousin Bowser, Lafayette Gold, Marble Ryan, Mr. T, the Slow Eater and Torry Hallelujah, who let us know what they took away from the Week 7 action.

Cousin Bowser: I think it’s due time for one of those patented Mr. T schedule analysis emails. There's no way anyone has had a tougher schedule than me so far. I'm not saying that 114 points should guarantee me a victory, but I would have beaten 6-7 teams this week and this is like the fourth time this season this has happened.

Marble Ryan: Interesting trade on the tape today with Mr. T sending Dominic Rhodes to Lafayette Gold for Santonio Holmes. That's the value of being active on the waiver wire, I guess. Mr. T traded a free agent pickup for a top-line WR3 with the value of probably a 7th or 8th round pick in a re-draft today. Nicely done. It doesn't change the fact that he's still living with JTO and Favre behind center.

Torry Hallelujah: I know Mr. T is a Santonio guy, but I figured that his wariness of hamstring injuries would be cause for him to hold onto Nique Rhodes for a little while longer.

Lafayette Gold: With Reggie & Addai down, Basketball on Grass needed to make a move for a RB. Plus now I got insurance with both Colt RBs.

Mr. T: I figured I needed a little depth at receiver. And I can handle the lack of QB talent for the time being when I have Portis and Barber – the best RB combo in the league. Besides, JTO has a nice little stretch in front of him: Seattle, bye, Arizona, St. Louis, Dallas. That should bring him back to form. And when you got Tom Jones ready to step in, it's not unusual to trade Dom Rhodes. Marble, you getting worried about Manning at all? This inconsistency couldn’t have been what you were looking for when you drafted him in the first round…

Marble Ryan: I did not like what I saw from Manning, and I'm sure that as a Colts fan, Steve Stevens was pretty dismayed as well. What I saw was a Colts team that was completely outcoached, and a group of receivers that were getting tossed around at the line like a bunch of little kids. The Colts WRs are flimsy and can’t break press coverage, and with Harrison now down about three steps, he's not quick enough to get off the line anymore either. My guess is this is going to be a problem throughout the year, although not every team has corners as big and strong as the guys in Green Bay. I couldn't believe it when Harrison couldn't get his feet in bounds on that long pass in the fourth quarter. That used to be automatic! You expect a guy to lose some speed, but not body control. Even Jerry Rice could keep his feet in bounds when he was a 50-year-old on the Raiders.

Mr. T: Yeah I think Steve is on his way back from Indy. It must have been a somber day in the Stevens’ household watching them get cut up by the Packers. The funny thing is the Packers D has been lit up before by Dallas, Atlanta, and Tampa Bay. After they blew out the Ravens last week, you would’ve figured they could’ve done a lot more this week. Even if Harrison is a step slow, Gonzalez should be able to step up and get some things done. I think it all comes back to the offensive line, which is just in shambles. Apparently Tony Ugoh is benched – Johnson started over him yesterday even though Ugoh was healthy. Manning didn't get sacked this week, but he was definitely under a lot of pressure.

Marble Ryan: The line played bad, and maybe it was just a product of Manning not having the time, but the receivers were never open yesterday. Manning was constantly checking down, but even his check-downs were never open. Gonzalez really is terrible, though. That second pick 6 was completely his fault. Come back to the ball! He's undersized, has no speed and was flat-out useless yesterday. It's tough to come back to the ball on a play like that, plus I don't think he saw Rouse there. He's trying to maintain position in the end zone so if he makes the catch it's an automatic TD.

Mr. T: I blame Manning for that pick. When you're throwing to the far side of the field like that, you either need more space for the receiver or more zip on the ball. That's a throw a rookie makes. It's second down. Don't force the ball.

Marble Ryan: There was no reason for Gonzalez to stand two yards deep in the end zone – all he had to do was come back to the goal line and it would have been 6. Gonzalez looked like he was leaning back. Last night, though, Tiki pointed out that it looked like Manning misread the defense (saw Cover 1 but it was actually Cover 4), although who knows what was actually going through Manning’s mind. The play was to come back to the goal line and Gonzalez just stood there with cement in his shoes. All that said, Manning’s stat line was totally unacceptable; he gets paid what he gets paid to play a whole lot better than that. We'll see where this goes, but the inconsistency has been brutal.

Mr. T: I Also, I think everyone has given up on LDT as a RB1 for this year. 63.7 yards a game and 3.6 yards a carry aren't the numbers of a first round pick. I'm not sure if it’s a result of his toe injury, but the Chargers would be better off resting him vs. the Saints and then use the bye week to give him two full weeks rest. Sproles isn't that much of a downgrade from the sub-par LDT we've been getting.

Marble Ryan: He should retire after this year. He's done, time to go out while you still have some dignity. He shouldn't be like Emmitt, slogging through miserable seasons as a back up in Arizona or some other hell hole.

The Slow Eater: My theory is that the Chargers are purposely mismanaging LDT's injury as a favor to you guys. The Chefs with Tomlinson at 100% would just be unfair to the rest of the league. The NFL wants parity in all of its leagues, fantasy or otherwise. I might be biased, but that's the only explanation I can think of why they haven't rested him to let him recover.

Mr. T: Keep talking like that, Slow Eater. Cutler's arm will get ripped off by Rodney Harrison at this rate...
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LenDale White: A Jackie Gleason for These Modern NFL Times

I’m not even angry with you this morning, LenDale White. No, no – if anything, I’m impressed. I mean, how often is it that you see a legitimately obese person tear apart an NFL defense to the tune of 149 yards and three scores? It’s a once in a generation event, and if it means my fantasy team has to take an L for me to see it, well, that’s just fine with me.

How your chubby legs were able to churn hard enough to carry you past the Chiefs defenders on that hilarious 80-yard TD run, I’ll never know. Frankly, I was waiting for Arrowhead Stadium to be engulfed in the flames resulting from the friction generated by your sausage-like legs rubbing together.

Not since Jerome Bettis¹ toted the rock for the Steelers has a fat guy made as many athletic, speedy defenders look foolish. And before the Bus, you’d have to go all the way back to Natrone Means or Marion Butts to find such a blend of speed, power, and corpulence.

So here’s to you, LenDale White, lover of refined carbohydrates and connoisseur of smorgasbords. You’re what this culture has been missing for so long: a graceful fat man, a Jackie Gleason for these modern NFL times.

That said, if TJ Duckett goes for 200 yards and 2 TDs next week, I’m going to advocate putting an asterisk to these totals until we can test the nation’s twinkie supply for performance enhancers.

- Andy T., New Brunswick, NJ

¹ Something I learned from the coverage leading up to Super Bowl XL: Jerome Bettis grew up in Detroit.

Who Else Do the People Hate?

Peyton Manning is fucking terrible. When did Eli become the better performing brother? What kind of bizarro world are we living in where Eli has a better passer rating than Peyton? Peyton is throwing picks for TDs and looking like straight dog shit. His performance on Sunday cost my team the win and felt like a shot to the nuts.

- Nick W., Philadelphia, PA
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You Know Who You Should Sit?

Reggie Bush (RB-NO) Since his Week 4 interview with RexGrossmanIsOurQuarterback.com, Reggie Bush may have fooled you into thinking he’s stepped his game up. But beware! The stats reveal that RGB has only a 2.41 yards per carry average since the interview. Ouch! If he doesn’t run those two kicks back against the Vikings, his stats don’t look nearly as good. If he weren’t a first round pick with good hands, New Orleans would be better served with Neil Patrick Harris lined up behind the fullback. This week, Bush he faces a stingy Panthers defense that will turn his body into an Auntie Anne’s pretzel. The return of Marques Coldstone should result in Bush getting fewer looks in the passing game. At least Kim provides a nice rear end for Reggie to cry on when he gets home.

You Know Who Else You Should Sit?

Philip Rivers (QB-SD) We're taking a chance here, but after an emotional game against the past last week, Rivers has to travel across the country to take on the Bills. West coast teams never do well in 1 p.m. ET games, and the Bills pass defense is a finished product.

Ryan Grant (RB-GB) We've finally found a RB who makes Jamal Lewis look quick. Thirty carries for 90 yards last week against Seattle doesn't spell success. Grant has yet to find the end zone this year; expect that drought to continue this week.

Roy Williams (WR-DAL) He probably won't get all the snaps because he needs to learn offense. Checkdown Johnson will be also handing off a lot.

John Carlson (TE-SEA) After this weekend’s game against the Bucs, the Seahawks will wish they'd pulled a John Madden and skipped the trip.
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