"The Line Up" with The Lieutenant

Every Thursday, we'll be bringing you "The Line Up" with The Lieutenant, the head of law enforcement here at Rex Grossman headquarters. Raised by his hard-drinking father to believe that ridicule and justice go hand in hand, The Lieutenant will give you a weekly rundown of all the assault, drug, and shitting-in-a-laundry-basket charges filed against the players who populate your fantasy teams.

After spending the last three weeks on a sting operation to catch Nate Newton’s nephew’s cocaine cartel, I’m back and ready to rough up all these clowns who have been actin’ up. In honor of Herm Edwards’ return to New York, we’ll try to help you get a win this week (because Herm has no shot unless the Jets have re-hired his old time management coach).

Fresh Meat

- It seems like Larry Johnson is taking Usher’s words to heart: he tried to make love in the club, only he forgot to ask the girl’s permission first. Feeling spurned, LJ assaulted the girl and threatened to kill her boyfriend. Unfortunately, Maurice Clarett was in jail and couldn’t provide the necessary weaponry. LJ missed last week’s game, was suspended again by the team this week, and could face future discipline. It almost seems as if the Chiefs want nothing to do with him. In the meantime, you’ll want to stash Jamaal Charles over Kolby Smith because Charles has more burst. If you’re really looking for a replacement, get the hell out of the Kansas City backfield and invest in BenJarvus Green-Ellis, Aaron Stecker, or Maurice Morris. If Johnson ever steps to me, I might have to put him on the floor.

- If you remember, this past offseason Matt Jones was arrested after police found him in a parked car allegedly trying to cut cocaine with his Discover card. No wonder there’s a credit crisis. After Jones recently enrolled in a drug treatment program, it was rumored that he’d likely be suspended by the league for three games. Now NFL Network’s Adam Schefter is reporting Jones will be available this weekend against Cleveland. While you can never trust a stiff named Adam, the Browns provide a good opportunity for Jones, so start him if he plays. Look for Mike Walker or the overpaid Jerry Porter to take over his targets once the suspension starts.

Chris Henry Watch

When Roger Goodell recently asked Henry if he should be worried about him, Henry responded, “He ain't going to have any problems with Chris Henry." You have a problem if you’re counting on Henry helping you as long as his quarterback is Ryan Fitzpatrick. Drop Henry as quickly as Najeh Davenport dropped his feces in that girl’s hamper.

I got Effed Auto-drafting on Yahoo

My fucking fantasy team is getting destroyed this year. Not only am I losing to those two girls at the precinct, our damned K-9 beat me last week.

Week 7 Total:

QB: Ingle Martin (0 pts) - Ingle’s actually close to the field with all these injuries in KC.

RB: Pierre Thomas (0 pts) – He’ll shine now that Bush is out.
RB: Adrian Peterson (0 pts) – I can’t believe I drafted the wrong fucking Adrian Peterson.

WR: Brandon Middletown (0 pts) – Who?

WR: Early Doucet (0 pts) – And now Boldin is back…

RB/WR: John Paul Foschi (0 pts) Herm get this motherfucker the rock!

TE: Anthony Becht (0 pts) – I’m still waiting for that first round potential.

D: St. Louis (12 pts) – Nice! Long live Brad Johnson

K: Nick Novack (1 pts) – Seriously, dude can’t make a 39-yard field goal??

This Day in Fantasy Football: October 23, 1977

After roughing up three cops, two waitresses and a hooker at McFadden’s in Minneapolis, Chuck Foreman spent the night in the drunk tank. After getting out, he rumbled for 80 yards and 2 TDs against Green Bay to show that he’s an unstoppable force. What he didn’t realize is that all three cops were facing him in fantasy football that week. Upon returning to McFadden’s, Foreman was taken into the back alley, tasered, and beaten with 2x4s.