Catching Up With: Kurt Warner

Our Torry Hallelujah sat down with Cardinals QB Kurt Warner to discuss God, Ken Whisenhunt’s decision to play his starters late in a blowout loss, and one of the five worst throws in NFL history.

Torry Hallelujah: So, Kurt, if you don’t mind, I’d like to talk about your game against the Jets last Sunday. You guys were down by a mile with only 30 seconds left. Do you think Ken Whisenhunt made a smart decision keeping his starters in till the end of the game?

Kurt Warner: First off, I just want to thank the Lord for letting me be in this position.

TH: I’m not sure what you mean, Kurt.

KW: You know, the Lord – Christ, the big JC!

TH: I’m talking about Anquan! Didn’t you see him there, lying awkwardly on the turf? It looked like someone had shocked him with a cattle prod.

KW: Hey, the Lord takes us when he’s ready for us.

TH: And as soon as Anquan was taken off the field on a stretcher, you threw a pass to Larry Fitzgerald over the middle. Do you think that was a smart play?

KW: I just felt that the Lord was calling me to throw for 472 yards. I had to do what he asked. Wasn’t it great?

TH: Kurt, you almost got two of your receivers killed in a meaningless effort. Do you have regrets about that?

KW: I don’t know what you’re talking about – I threw for 472 yards! Didn’t you see?

TH: Oh, I saw. I also saw your three interceptions that cost your team the game, including the one you threw straight to Darrelle Revis. Our Michael J. Cox called it one of the five worst throws he’s ever seen. What do you have to say about that?

KW: That wasn’t me. Matt Leinart threw that one. Probably God’s punishment for all that premarital sex.

TH: I’m pretty sure that was you, Kurt. [Cues up video clip from Sunday’s game which clearly shows Warner throwing the ball directly to Revis, followed by Revis casually running it in for a touchdown]

KW: [Busts out in laughter] What can I say, you got me! I have no idea what I was thinking on that one. Hey, at least I threw for all those yards – that’s what matters, right?

TH: Well, your team did lose the game, Kurt.

KW: [Chuckling] Sometimes, the Lord has a plan and you just have no choice but to go with it. That’s what I said when I married Brenda.

TH: What are you talking about?

KW: You think I planned on marrying a chick with a flat top?

TH: Good point. So, Kurt, what can fantasy owners expect from you during the rest of the season? More yards, more terrible interceptions?

KW: If the Lord has anything to say about it, I’ll realize my dream to throw the worst pass in NFL history.

TH: That’ll really be something to watch. We’ll all be looking forward to it!

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Mr. T's $1 Bailout Plan

After four weeks of the NFL season, fantasy teams should be ready to trade assets. The House isn’t rescuing Wall Street with a $700B bailout plan, but Mr. T is here to save your season. Gather the front office executives and develop a plan of attack to hit the trade market. Always remember proper trade etiquette. Low-balling a fellow league member is not the way to start things off. Make a fair, reasonable offer that can start negotiations. Here’s a list of players you should be buying and selling:

Quarterbacks

Buy – Matt Hasselbeck (SEA) He had no receivers for the first three games of the season. Now Branch and Engram are back and a running game has been established. He’s’ got the complete package around him. Picture Keely Hazell’s Yahoo images search. Bam!
Also buy: Matt Schaub (HOU) and Jake Delhomme (CAR)

Sell – Eli Manning (NYG) Little Manning has impressed everyone this season after last year’s playoff run, but that bubble will burst soon. Historically his 2nd half numbers aren’t as good as his first. After the Giants' sixth game, the schedule gets much tougher. This isn't the Double Stuff Racing League. Eli's owners should be scared.
Also sell: Aaron Rogers (GB) and Jon Kitna (DET)

Running Backs

Buy – Thomas Jones (NYJ) We all know I was high on Jones before the season, so let’s not panic after four weeks. I put my money where my mouth is by trading for him in the RexGrossmanIsOurQuarterback.com League last week. As Favre learns the offense, there will be more touchdown opportunities. The Jets schedule presents very favorable matchups after the bye week.
Also buy: Joseph Addai (IND) and Steve Slaton (HOU)

Sell – Michael Turner (ATL) I like some consistency in my running backs. Turner won’t be putting up much in road games with Ryan as his QB. The playoff schedule also looks mighty tough for The Burner.
Also sell: Laurence Maroney (NE), Edgerrin James (AZ), and Selvin Young (DEN)

Wide Receivers

Buy - Andre Johnson (HOU) Look, the guy is an athletic freak. He eats piece of shit like you for breakfast. His value won't be any lower than it is right now. Without a win so far, the Texans will look to get the ball to their best player more often. The schedule also eases up in the weeks ahead, so he should explode with some size to your face.
Also buy: Torry Holt (STL) and Donald Driver (GB)

Sell - Chris Chambers (SD) Now is not the time to enter the 36 Chambers. Does 8 catches in 4 games sound like a winning proposition? That's what Chambers has so far. His fantasy points are inflated from a few big play TDs and as LT rounds back into form, those TDs won't be there. Don't let him be the first dog that's shitted on your lawn.
Also sell: Santana Moss (WSH) and Eddie Royal (DEN)

Tight End

Buy - Tony Gonzalez (KC) If Tyler Thigpen was your quarterback for two of the first four games, you'd be crapping the bed as well. Last week with Damon Huard back at the helm, Gonzalez performed as expected. And the Chiefs will likely be trailing in most games. Huard, if you don't get the ball to Gonzalez, in the words of Herm Edwards, "88's gonna be mad at you!!"
Also buy: Dallas Clark (IND) and Chris Cooley (WSH)

Sell - Vernon Davis (SF) Unlike Rox Hoover, Mike Martz doesn't seem to like a tight end. Look back at his teams and find me a TE who has performed well. He's more apt to turn his safety into a star receiver than throw to the TE. Obtain yourself some cream to cleanse yourself of the VD.
Also sell: Heath Miller (PIT) and Bo Scaife (TEN)
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Scout’s Take: In Which We Discuss Garbage Time Play-Calling, The Flex Position, and Kurt Warner's Turnovers

Each week, our scouts gather together to share their observations on the most noteworthy Sunday performances. Unfortunately, after $700B bailout plan failed in the House vote, we had to send them all packing. In their place are Black Irish, Marble Ryan, Michael J. Cox, Mr. T, The Slow Eater, and Torry Hallelujah, who let us know what they took away from the Week 4 action.

Marble Ryan: Lawrence Fishgerald is on the block for much needed running back help. With Anquan Boldin dead, anyone who needs a top 3 WR can get one for a little love in the backfield.

Torry Hallelujah: I hear Thomas Jones is available... (Ed. Marble Ryan traded Thomas Jones last week with Chad Pennington to Mr. T for Chris Perry and Matt Schaub.)

Mr. T: Who knew Matt Schaub wouldn't be your problem this week? And you were worried about trading for him. I like how you picked up Ryan Fitzpatrick thinking it'd be a boost to your QB situation. Gotta love 2 QB leagues. That situation with Boldin at the end of the Jets game was terrible. Why was the first team offense on the field?

Michael J. Cox: I watched this unfold and it was the most underrated story of the day by far. Anquan gets totally rocked with about 30 seconds to go in the game. There's about a 15 minute stoppage while they attend to him and cart him off on a stretcher to the waiting ambulance. At this point we've seen no movement at all from Anquan and I'm thinking there's a 50% chance that his career is over. Warner is leading both teams in prayer. The announcers are silent — pretty scary. Then after they get Aquan off the field, what does the genius Whisenhunt do? Puts Warner in the effing shotgun and starts throwing again to none other than Larry Fitzgerald over the middle! Just stunning. If I was the owner/GM/team prez, I would have considered firing him on the spot.

Mr. T: Yeah, what are you trying to do down that many points? Take a knee. Maybe this is an F-You from Whisenhunt to Boldin because he wants to be traded. Also, Leinart should've been in the game. Warner is such a fragile piece of shit that he could've gotten murdered out there passing on every down. If the Jets pass rush gets to you five times in the game, that's saying something. I'm surprised Kurt wasn't concussed.

Michael J. Cox: I'd almost think its the other way around. I think these receivers love putting up garbage time stats. Just backfired. Badly.

Slow Eater: I gotta say, right up until the injury I was thrilled that Boldin was getting garbage time points for The Chefs. And considering he's playing for a new contract, I bet Boldin was too. Looks like Chad Johnson has earned his way back into the starting lineup for me.

Marble Ryan: After the first quarter I thought both QBs were going to flirt with negative territory. That first Favre pick was hilarious. It looked like something he would've done when he was with the Falcons. And then the Reevis pick was one of the worst throws in Lig history I think. Warner threw a floater on a comeback route — that’s generally something QB coaches don't advise. Pure football comedy.

Michael J. Cox: Yeah, at halftime I was thinking about what it was going to be like having Matt Leinart starting for my team the rest of the year. Thankfully Kurt resurrected things in the 3rd quarter a bit and somehow gave me a decent day - 27 points in my other league even due to some spotty scoring settings. Six turnovers though....wow. How my team is looking at a potential 3-1 record is baffling though.

Marble Ryan: After the initial set of replays to the Fitz offer, I have to say I'm amazed at how over-valued the RB position is in our Lig. With our rosters forcing you to start three wide and Boldin going down, I would think 20 points a game from Fitz would garner some interesting offers, but the shit people have thrown at me is astounding.

Mr. T: It's not like Boldin died. He's only got a concussion. He'll be back after a week off.

Marble Ryan: Boldin just got a one way ticket to Wayne Chrebet-ville. It starts with the first concussion, and now he is compromised forever. He'll probably get a second one this year, and before you know it he'll be retiring. That hit was brutal. Like Guyte said, he very easily could have been dead. He might come back in two weeks, but even if he does he's tainted. That doesn't even begin to address the issue of how a #1 receiver in this Lig only gets you someone else's flex. I don't really get that...

Torry Hallelujah: It's too bad nobody came at you with Travis Henry and Donald Driver. You would've been all over that one. I don't think you can automatically assume that Fitz's production is going to go up that much. It's tough to play on an offense where you're the only threat. Reggie Wayne's numbers went up a little last year when Marv went out, but it's not like they doubled or anything.

Mr. T: Maybe it's called negotiating. You can't expect to receive Marion Barber as the first offer. Then again, who needs Fitz when you got Lance "Live Strong" Moore.

Torry Hallelujah: I had a hard time deciding which throw was worse, Favre's or Warner's. In the end, I think it was Favre's. Throwing the ball across your body from one side of the field to the other is basically the dumbest thing you can do from the quarterback position, short of throwing the ball straight up in the air, granny style, or handing it off to a defensive lineman and then blocking for him on his way to the end zone.

Michael J. Cox: The Warner pick on the 2 man rush was one of the 5 worst plays I've ever seen a QB make in my life.

Black Irish: Complete and total agreement. That looked like a play straight out of NES Playaction Football.

Marble Ryan: I wish we had tapes of some of your hung over performances in the Zogsports league. Warner's throw was bottom 5, but it's quite an accomplishment to throw three pick 6s in an 8 minute half.

Michael J. Cox: This is true. Thankfully no one's paying me $3M a year to play the position. I'd be happy to fumble and throw picks all day for even $1M. Too bad Marble Ryan isn't an NFL GM or else I might have had the chance....
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I Openly Question Carson Palmer’s Manhood

Carson Palmer, I truly cannot stand you.

When I drafted you in Round 4 this year, I thought I was getting the guy who threw that beautiful, looping 60-yard pass to Chris Henry in the first quarter of that 2005 playoff game against the Steelers. I knew that your career was briefly sidetracked when Kimo von Oelhoffen slid into your knee, but I didn’t realize that when he was down there, he removed your cock and balls and replaced them with a vagina.

See, Carson, when I sat down to watch the Browns-Bengals game yesterday, I was still fully expecting you to play. I guess I must’ve figured, “Any guy who wasn’t listed on the injury report all week probably stands a good chance at taking the field.”

But it looks like the joke was on me. I sat there, mouth agape, as that little shit Adam Schefter reported that you’d be sitting out with elbow discomfort. Seriously, Carson? A little advance notice, perhaps?

The thing is, I had the chance to trade your candy ass all week, but I wasn’t going to let some carpetbagger come in and buy you up on the cheap. Not with the Browns game coming up. I’m not sure if you remember this, Carson, but last year you threw for 401 yards and 6 TDs against Cleveland. So I decided that I’d wait until Monday to made a decision on you.

Well, Carson, Monday’s here, and the only decision I’ve made is that you’re a fucking pansy. Go fuck yourself.

- Ace P., Falls Church, VA

Who Else Do the People Hate?

WTF was Whisenhunt thinking playing the starters down 23 points with three minutes to go?!? He almost got Anquan killed! If Boldin misses more than a week, I might have to spring Ted Kazinsky from jail to take care of the situation.

- Joe B., Los Angeles, CA
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You Know Who You Should Sit?

Matt Forte (RB - CHI) A few weeks ago, I decided to join some friends for a round of golf upstate. We were about to tee off at number four when we heard a loud thud. We quickly turned on our heels and found a squirrel lying motionless on the ground. “Did that squirrel just fall out of the tree?” I asked my friends. We looked up – the lowest tree branch was about 30 feet above our heads. No squirrel could survive a fall like that. All of its little bones must’ve been crushed on impact.

In Week 4, Matt All-Day Fo’Tay is going to resemble that squirrel. You won’t find a bigger Forte supporter than Mr. T, but this week’s matchup does not look promising. He’ll be facing the Eagles, whose defense has been extremely stout against the run this year. And after having seen what Forte can do over the past few weeks, the Bears will stack the line and make Orton beat them. I have a feeling that Forte’s going to see a lot of crushing tackles that will end with Brian Dawkins standing over him and saying “Welcome to the NFL, rook.”

You Know Who You Should Also Sit?

Ben Roethlisberger (QB - PIT) With Parker out of the lineup, the Ravens will likely hang back until Rashard Mendenhall proves that he can move the chains. Big Gay Ben’s injured wing doesn’t help, either.

Brian Griese (QB - TB) I know Al Harris is out, but I don't see Griese duplicating last week’s yardage total. You can run on the Packers D this year, so that’s what the Bucs will do.

Chris Johnson (RB - TEN) Word is that Bryant “Giving and Receiving” McKinnie invited CJ to a Lake Minnetonka boat party this weekend. Even if he survives that, Minnesota's run defense will make him wish he that he hadn’t.

Eddie Royal (WR - DEN) Some might see this weekend’s matchup against the Chiefs as a chance for Royal to return to his Week 1 form. I see it as a blowout with numerous carries for the Denver Running Back Situation. At least Marble Ryan will be happy.

Roddy White (WR - ATL) Only start him when the Falcons are at home until Matt Ryan proves he can get it done on the road.

Todd Heap (TE - BAL) Trying to catch balls from Joe Flacco in a road game makes Divine Brown look like a winning proposition.
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You Know Who You Should Start?

Trent Edwards & Lee Evans (QB, WR – BUF) You've got three top quarterbacks on the rag this week (The Brothers Manning and Matt Hasselbeck), and the Bills are going up against the Rams. St. Louis has some new blood coming in at corner this week in Jason Craft, who’s expected to get plenty of PT.

But seriously, let’s not overcomplicate this: it’s the Rams. Edwards will be going up top early, and the speedy Evans will have the Rams faithful drawing up “Fire Linehan” signs by halftime.

You Know Who You Should Also Start?

Dwayne Bowe (WR – KC) Little-known fact: D-Bowe leads the league in targets. Of course, when the guy targeting you is Tyler Thigpen, you’re not going be in a good position to catch the ball, but luckily Herm has come to his senses – or at least lost a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors with Carl Peterson) and has inked in Damon Huard as the starter this week. Also, the Broncos put up lots of points but can’t stop anybody, so the Chiefs should be throwing it around a lot.

Selvin Young (RB – DRBS) On the flip side of the Broncos-Chiefs matchup is Mr. Slim at the Waist. He’s still going to lose some carries to Michael Pittman and Andre Hall, but the Chiefs run defense is porous enough that SY could realistically rip off a long run or two.

J.T. O’Sullivan (QB – Mike Martz) Here’s a number for you: 585. That’s how many yards the Saints have given up in the air over the past two weeks against Jason Campbell and Jay Cutler. Air Martz, you have been cleared for take off. Flight attendants please take your seats – cross check.

Robert Meachem, Devery Henderson & Billy Miller (WR, TE – NO) The Saints are missing Colston, Shockey and possibly David Patten, making this motley crew attractive. Hey, someone has to pick up the slack. Brees has shown that he’s not afraid to spread the love when his go-to guy is out of the lineup. Out of these three, we like the Mitchum Man the most because of his big play potential. If he finds the end zone, Marble Ryan might have to be hospitalized with priapism.

...and for the Black Irish Bold Prediction of the Week:

Jamal Lewis (RB – CLE) Seriously? The Human Anvil?

Stay with me here. Let’s think about this logically:

1. The Human Anvil splits carries with no man.
2. The Cleveland passing attack is absolutely awful, so he'll undoubtedly be given the ball early and often.
3. The Bengals are ranked 28th against the run, giving up an average of 175 yards a game.

So go forth – start the Anvil with the confidence of a 17-year-old walking into the Hustler Club with his brother's fake ID (uh, not that we’ve ever done that). Just don't blame me if Brady Quinn comes in, lights the world on fire, and Lewis becomes an afterthought.

Black Irish out.

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The Marble Ryan Lock of the Week

I'll be completely honest: watching the Cowboys roll all over my pick on Sunday night was a serious blow to my confidence. The loss cast a shadow over my whole week, and I couldn't help but feel like the AAA paper that was the Marble Ryan Lock of the Week had been reduced to junk status. So here we are, 1-2 and badly in need of a payday, because in the gambling world, unlike when we place our money with hopelessly mismanaged financial institutions, Hank Paulson ain't walkin' t'ru that door.

The end of the first quarter of the season is perhaps the toughest time to be a speculator; weeding out the early pretenders from the truly solid teams can be a tricky business. Conversely, one needs a highly refined football sense to distinguish the good teams that are simply off to bad starts from the real train wrecks.

As usual, heading into Week 4, we have more questions than answers: Is Texans QB Matt Schaub just knocking off the rust, or is he so upset about going bald at 27 that his game will never recover? Are the Bengals really starting to right the ship, or was last week's strong performance (and big time cover) yet another case of the Giants playing to the level of their opponent?

It appears as if the Vegas handicappers are trying to figure out the answers themselves, which leaves us with some interesting opportunities in the spread market. However, even with so many potential traps to fall into, I think I've found a convincing story to get behind.

The Titans take on the Vikes in Nashville this week, and I'm liking what Jeff Fisher is cooking up this year. Tennessee has proven to be one of the most hard-nosed, toughest, meanest teams in the lig this year and should prove to be a nice matchup for the burly Scandanavians. AD is the truth at running back, but judging by last week's performance, it looks like NFL defensive coordinators are figuring out how to stop an offense with exactly one skill position player who would start for any other professional team, including the Montreal Alouettes. Minny is good for no more than 10 points per game most weeks, and barring some kind of history-making performance from Peterson (which I admit is entirely possible), the Titans should easily cover the 2.5 points Vegas is taking from them.

On a side note, we love Kerry "Bottle Rocket" Collins at RGIOQB, and I would urge anyone that makes money off the Titans this week to donate a portion to your local non-profit rehab organization. You never know, someone in that clinic might one day throw four picks in the Super Bowl for your favorite team.

The pick: Tennessee (-2.5) over Minnesota

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"The Line Up" with The Lieutenant

Every Thursday afternoon, we'll be bringing you "The Line Up" with The Lieutenant, the head of law enforcement here at Rex Grossman headquarters. Raised by his hard-drinking father to believe that ridicule and justice go hand in hand, The Lieutenant will give you a weekly rundown of all the assault, drug, and shitting-in-a-laundry-basket charges filed against the players who populate your fantasy teams.

Unlike the New York Jets pass rush, Week 4 is quickly approaching and here's my take on how to prepare your team for the first bye week of the season…giggity.

Wide Receivers actin’ up

- It took Plax exactly 20 days to turn back into the team player we all knew he was. Suspended for 2 weeks, fantasy owners are going to take a serious hit. In the meantime you might want to pick up Lance Moore or Brandon Lloyd. At least the matter was resolved as the most reliable individual in the game, Drew Rosenhaus stated that a now resolved family matter had kept Plax away from the team.

Does this excuse sound familiar? Why wait a second, yes, when Line Up favorite and Rosenhaus client Terrell Owens missed mandatory camp last June because of a “family matter.” Oh and in 2003 when Fred Taylor missed Jags spring camp, Rosenhaus said Taylor was excused for a family matter. Instead of PUP they should just create a separate category for family matters. Seriously, Dr. Phil should be the commissioner of this league. You knew what you were getting when you drafted Plax, so you shouldn’t sell. But show the fuck up on time Plax, you’re killing my fantasy team.

- The big discussion in the precinct last weekend was about whether Brandon Marshall would shrug off his most recent run-in with the law-a misdemeanor battery charge. "There was an incident in March," Marshall said. "It's still an open case. We've been waiting six months for those charges to be filed, and it's finally here. That's what I've got Harvey Steinberg for. He's a great guy and great at what he does." What a shocker, a lawyer named Harvey Steinberg. Marshall did what any athlete usually does in the wake of a misdemeanor and in the words of Emmitt Smith said “you got blowed up” to the Saints by racking up some serious numbers.

Fantasy owners should be extremely high on Marshall even though he has a history of questionable behavior (see: assault of law enforcement officer, DUI, and the 11 calls that have been made to police from his residence since 2006). The Lineup’s favorite Marshall incident came last June when he received the notorious DWAI. Marshall was caught Driving without Auto Insurance after an “illegal lane change.” Good thing he has Harvey Steinberg to get him out of the perils of an illegal lane change violation. Yasha koach, motherfucker.

Chris Henry Watch

Get ready to keep the kids at home -we’re now one week away from the return of my boy Chris Henry. Pick him up, before the West Chester cops do.

I got Effed Auto-drafting on Yahoo

Dudes my team fucking sucks - I’m giving them one more week to get some points, but I’m losing to these two girls at the precinct who don’t know Jay Cutler from a Blahnik. It’s a travesty. Note to all you kids out there who have accidentally viewed RexGrossmanIsMyQuarterback.com while trolling for that Megan Fox anal video - stay off the drugs when drafting your fantasy team.

Week 3 Total:

QB: Ingle Martin – 0 pts - It’s only a matter of time before Ingle gets some burn…

RB: Pierre Thomas – 13 pts - Wow! Maybe I should put him through a drug test.

RB: Adrian Peterson – 0 pts - Adrian is due for his first point. Hopefully he brings his a-game against the Eagles and puts up nearly as many points as the poor man’s Adrian Peterson on the Vikings.

WR: Brandon Middletown - 0pts – Who?

WR: Early Doucet – 0 pts – A big doucegg…

RB/WR: John Paul Foschi – 1 pt – Badda bing motherfucker! Foschi caught one pass for 11 yards, coincidentally the Chiefs largest pass play of the season to-date.

TE: Anthony Becht - 0 pts – He did not see any action, but rumors are swirling that he will replace Trent Green after his sixth interception this weekend.

D: St. Louis - -5 pts - Fuck

K: Nick Novack - 0 pts - Wide right.

This day in Fantasy Football: September 25, 1962
In the last week of the season, Giants Quarterback Y.A. Title screwed over 22% of fantasy owners as he drew a blank when it mattered most in the NFL Championship Game. In particular, Jim Nixon of Fayetteville, Arkansas, who had a 15-point lead over his friend Russell Davis, made a bet that he’d move to Cuba if Title didn’t throw for more than two touchdowns in the championship game. Nixon has not been seen since.
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The Week 4 Podcast: "I appreciate cross-racial appeal."

Marble Ryan joins Torry Hallelujah to discuss the Rams' benching of Marc Bulger, Ronnie Brown's emergence, a possible trade in the Rex Grossman Fantasy League and the force of nature that is Christina Hendricks.

Donwload the Podcast



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Rating the Rookies

By Week 4, most players’ roles have been defined. Most specifically, at this point you have a pretty good idea of whether or not that rookie you drafted is going to have an impact on your fantasy team. This week, we analyze which rookies will contend for class president and which will put on the freshman 15.

Joe Flacco (QB - BAL) & Matt Ryan (QB - ATL) If you’re starting either of these guys in a 1 QB league, you should probably just stop reading this right now. Your season’s over, chump.

Darren McFadden (RB - OAK) The stud of the rookie class has gotten off to a rocky start. Despite his raw athleticism, he’s been hampered by a foot injury and the fact that he plays for the Raiders. D-Mac still might give you a few AD-style games, but you’ll get some rough ones in there, too, especially considering that he’s not guaranteed all the carries.

Chris Johnson (RB - TEN) Yes, I was down on Chris Johnson before the season. I didn’t realize he’d be in a 50-50 split with LenDale White and that VY wouldn’t be under center. Still, don’t overvalue this guy. His talent cries out to you, but not getting goal line carries makes him an uneven player. The Titans schedule gets tougher as the year goes on, and Johnson will see fewer carries when the team falls behind. But because he plays on passing downs, he’ll still be a productive RB2 or flex option.

Matt Forte (RB - CHI) I love me some All-Day Fo’ Tay. So far this season, Forte’s been bringing more heat than Megan Fox when she bent over that sports car in Transformers. He doesn’t have to worry about losing carries, and the Bears defense always keeps them in the game. Add in his ability to play on passing downs and he’s sitting pretty. Also, Rox Hoover thinks he has nice eyes.

Kevin Smith (RB - DET) It’s time for Silent Bob to speak up. Things are looking scary in Detroit these days: with no word yet on what happened with him this weekend in San Francisco, it’s time to put Smith on the bench. It’s never a good sign for the starter when the team brings in a former elite RB to back him up. I mean, you’d only dial a booty call if your girlfriend uses too much teeth. Think about it!

Felix Jones (RB - DAL) On another team, he’d be a stronger buy than DZZ back in August. For right now, though, the shifty Jones won’t be stealing too much thunder from the monster known as MBIII. Barber owners might be well advised to snatch up King Felix as insurance in a trade. Barring an injury to Barber, though, Felix remains a two-face – be careful which light he’s under when you decide whether or not to make him a flex play.

Rashard Mendenhall (RB - PIT) Deemed “Rashard Garbagehall” by Torry Hallelujah, this rookie RB will get a chance to show what he can do this week with Willie Parker out with an injury. If Parker ends up missing significant time, Mendenhall’s a must own. The matchup with the Ravens on Monday night won’t help his numbers, so it’s a buy-and-stash proposition until further notice.

DeSean Jackson (WR - PHI) Hold on to that football, son! What we saw in Week 2 at the goal line was inexcusable, but it’s tough to argue with his production otherwise. Even after his subpar week, our opinion on Jackson holds strong.

Eddie Royal (WR - DEN) Look, he only lit up the Raiders in Week 1 because Marshall wasn’t in the lineup. Since Marshall’s return, Royal only has a late TD and 2-point conversion to his name. While he’s a nice bench guy, he can’t be relied on to start.

(All other rookie WRs) There’s a reason rookie receivers don’t pull a Hurricane Ike and wreak havoc on The Lig. Stick to second and third-year guys – they’ve got a better combination of experience and upside.

John Carlson (TE - SEA) The receivers around him are limited. While you shouldn’t expect Carlson to give you starter-type numbers on a consistent basis, he’s got the faith of his QB and should be able to help you out here and there.
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Eight Questions with Reggie Bush

We caught up with Saints RB Reggie Bush this week and talked to him about his inconsistency, his plans for the bye week, and Kim Kardashian’s ass.

Lafayette Gold: Reggie, your first two years in the league were very up-and-down. But three weeks into the season, you’re looking like you’ve turned things around. What happened?

Reggie Bush: Honestly, I’ve always had the raw physical ability. I’ve got the 4.33 40, the 40 ½ inch vertical leap and the body of an Adonis. I could churn out 20 TDs every year. But what’s the fun in that? I like to underperform and leave my fans wanting more. Sure, I played well the last three weeks, but the next three? Who’s to say. It all depends on how I’m feeling.

Lafayette Gold: Are you saying that sometimes you’re not really trying out there? Don’t you ever want to move out of the second-tier of fantasy RBs and become a first round pick?

Reggie Bush: Look man, it’s not always about what the fans want. I need to watch out for myself, make sure I get mine. I got that fine piece of ass Kim Kardashian waiting for me at home every night. You think I want to get banged up? The only contact I like is in the bedroom – slamming into Kim’s ass is a lot more pleasant than getting tackled by Brian Urlacher.

Lafayette Gold: I see. So your fear of getting hurt is why you’re not a north-south runner?

Reggie Bush: [Laughs] Hey, you said it, not me.

Lafayette Gold: So what can your fantasy owners expect from you over the next few weeks?

Reggie Bush: Well, we’ve got some tough matchups ahead of us. Minnesota, Carolina, San Diego – those are some strong defenses, man. I’ll probably give you a little flash when we go against San Francisco and Oakland, but against those other three? Probably not much. Then it’s the bye week – that’s my time to shine.

Lafayette Gold: Are you saying that the Niners…

Reggie Bush: Actually, sorry to interrupt, but can we go back to the bye week? Man, that’s going to be tight. I’m taking Kim to Cabo. Romo gave me a hotel recommendation and everything.

Lafayette Gold: But aren’t you supposed to rest during the bye?

Reggie Bush: Dude, did you see me at USC? One thing Reggie Bush knows is how to party. Every night, man: girls, booze, and more bribes than even Tim Donaghy would know what to do with. One week on the beach and I’ll be set.

Lafayette Gold: Wait, so you’re saying that people should trade for you because you’re going to finish strong?

Reggie Bush: [Laughs] Please, this is Reggie Bush you’re talking to! You think I’d ever be stupid enough to guarantee performance? Who do I look like, Brandon Marshall? The truth is, I can’t decide from one day to the next whether I’m going to be good or not. And I’ll tell you what, man, that Chicago matchup in the fantasy semifinals does not look good for Reggie Bush, not at all.

Lafayette Gold: What about the fantasy consolation game the following week?

Reggie Bush: Oh man, that’s where I’m going to light it up. I mean, it’s almost time for my contract extension. A brotha has to get paid, don’t he?
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Scout’s Take: In Which We Discuss Brian Westbrook’s Injury, Why Andre Hall Keeps Getting Carries, and Why No One Should Trade with Torry Hallelujah

Each week, our scouts gather together to share their observations on the most noteworthy Sunday performances. Unfortunately, after blowing our savings betting on Marble Ryan’s Lock of the Week, we had to place them all on waivers. In their place are Black Irish, Marble Ryan, Mr. T, The Slow Eater, Steve Stevens, and Torry Hallelujah, who let us know what they took away from the Week 3 action.

Mr. T: Suddenly Steve Stevens’ team looks like it’s in serious trouble. Torry Hallelujah leaves Brown on the bench and watches Big Ben and Westbrook get hurt. And Cousin Bowser just changed his team name to Lehman Brothers, which lets you know how he feels about his season.

Steve Stevens: My team sucks balls. Pinning my hopes to the Detroit Lions looks like an Isiah-esque decision.

Torry Hallelujah: Hey, at least Clemson still looks like a lock for that national title bid. (Ed. Steve Stevens predicted Clemson to be an NCAA National Championship contender before the college football season began.)

Mr. T: Steve, you should’ve traded Moss when you had the chance. And now Rudi seems like he took over for Kevin Smith. “The Beej” got outgained by Derrick Ward. The whole system is breaking down!

Marble Ryan: Looks like I was about to make another season-ruining trade, only this time I got saved by my counter-party. And this Selvin Young thing is really getting out of hand. The Broncos were on national TV yesterday giving everyone the opportunity to see how bad Andre Hall is. He’s really terrible, and Young is awesome. I can understand giving Pittman short yardage – he’s a lot bigger and stronger than Young. But there is no reason to give Hall any carries except in emergency situations. I know the argument about trying to keep Young from being a marquee player and keep him cheap, but that’s BS. They turned Portis into a star and ended up getting Champ Bailey for him – I’d say it was worth it! Idiots!

Torry Hallelujah: You should change your team name to “Hanging from a String.”

Mr. T: Young’s YPC average is pretty intense. But how can you argue with Shana-tan when the team put up 34 points?? If anything he needs Young in there at safety. Fitzgerald is looking like a better WR than Moss right now. Sam Cassell was not getting it done at QB for New England on Sunday. Rotoworld said Moss was sitting by himself on the bench at times. Can we say Raiders revisited??

Steve Stevens: I can see Belichick going back to the drawing board this week and figuring out ways to get Moss more involved. That guy doesn’t take losing lightly. And Fitzgerald for Moss was never the issue. I was just not prepared to have Thomas Jones as my #1 back. Brandon Jacobs has been mediocre fantasy wise this season, but he is much more likely to get it done week in and week out than Thomas Jones. And…Clemson sucks...

Mr. T: At least with Jones you’re guaranteed 20 carries most weeks and that he’s not in any kinda time-share. With Earth, Wind, & Fire the Giants are about keeping everyone fresh. Plus they still haven’t played their games against the tougher Cowboys and Eagles defenses. Not saying it was a sure thing, but right now things aren’t looking good for Steve Stevens.

Marble Ryan: It doesn’t look good, although Moss was pretty chipper at the press conference. I think he’s betting on that 1-year contract for Drew Bledsoe, too. Cassel is garbage, and the Pats basically just quit yesterday. Thank god for this Colts bye...I need the real Manning if I’m going to have my annual 4th place finish. The real problem for Steve Stevens is Kevin Smith. It’s not even a time-share in Detroit, Rudi Johnson is now a feature back, people. I’m not going to put in a request for him though, that would violate my “say no to Detroit” policy.

Marble Ryan: Has Torry’s Ronnie Brown revelation officially been neutralized by the Westbrook fiasco? That’s like 4 straight years now Westbrook’s had an injury, although the past two he’s only missed one game. The law of averages states this one should be more serious.

Mr. T: I say Westbrook misses at least 3 games. As our resident injury specialist, I feel like I can give that diagnosis with a fair mind. That did not look pretty. (Ed. Westbrook has since been ruled day-to-day). I think Grant’s a major problem too. I know they just give him a nice contract, but he doesn’t look good out there, while some of the other backs are producing a little better.

Steve Stevens: I’m detecting an air of cockiness from the F-Team after its first win...

Black Irish: “Resident injury specialist” = bruises badly walking through a subway turnstile.

Mr. T: Yeah well if any of you clowns actually got off your butts and got some exercise into your lives, maybe you could comment on injuries. It’s hard to get injured on the couch while eating a box of Goldfish.

Marble Ryan: I advise a lig-wide halt on trading with Torry. With Brown and Marshall, you do not want to give this guy another weapon right now. Just putting it out there, we need a little collusion to save us all.

Black Irish: The situation with Torry Hallelujah should take care of itself. It’s only a matter of time till Marshall effs it up by holding up a Burger King or something.

Torry Hallelujah: Let’s be honest, I was a little too high on my team on Saturday, and even with the decision to bench RB23, things were looking just a bit too rosy for me. The Westbrook injury was a big dose of karma straight to my dome. Of course, none of this would be a problem if Ryan Grant were healthy, but that’s another issue.

Marble Ryan: Don’t listen to Torry!! He’s only pretending to not be high on his team now so he can fool one of you into giving him a top line WR for Roddy White and another inconsistent backup. I know from experience: do not trade with Torry. He’s ruthless.

Mr. T: Just because you’re the moron that traded AD for a time-share running back doesn’t mean we’re all dumb enough to do that.

Slow Eater: Let’s wait for Ronnie Brown to put together two good games in a row before we crown Torry Hallelujah. Ricky freaking Williams also averaged over 6 yards a carry yesterday. The Patriots D was just atrocious and the timeshare isn’t going away any time soon. And his number 1 RB and QB both went down. Don’t get me wrong, Torry’s looking strong, but we don’t need to resort to collusion just yet.
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I Am Experiencing Acute Feelings of Self-Loathing and Regret After Benching Ronnie Brown

At first, it was funny. When Ronnie Brown emerged from 2008 fantasy obscurity yesterday to run for a first quarter TD on a direct snap play against the Patriots yesterday, I turned and laughed to a few of my friends, who’d told me earlier that morning that I should bench Brown in favor of Ryan Grant, he of the ailing hammy. “Grant’s going against a weak Dallas defense,” they told me. “Plus, Brown is going up against the Patriots. The Pats never give up a huge day to anybody.” I took this advice, thinking that it was the smart play.

It was not the smart play, friends. It was anything but.

Brown would go on to score three more rushing touchdowns, all of them coming on the same direct snap play that the Patriots were totally unable to stop. And the thing is, Brown wasn’t just running it in from the goal line. He ran one in from 62 yards. By the early fourth quarter, I was wondering if the Dolphins would try to run the play from their own goal line to see if RB23 could score a 99-yard TD. That’s how things were going at that point.

And oh, yeah, if that weren’t enough, Brown also threw a 19-yard TD pass to Anthony Fasano. He had 39 fantasy points on the day, but the rumor going around right now is that he also kicked three field goals and returned an interception for a TD. Scoring adjustment forthcoming.

Ryan Grant? Thirteen carries for 54 yards. It wasn’t a total loss, though: he also lost a fumble.

I lost to Mr. T by a margin of 35 points.

So who’s to blame here? My friends, for suggesting that I bench Brown? Me, for listening to them? Ronnie Brown, for not giving us any idea that this might be coming? Dave Wannstedt? Jay Fiedler?

Of course, it’s me, undoubtedly. And try as I might to find a little sympathy, a little compassion, from my fellow Rex Grossman Fantasy League Competitors, I continue to come up emptier than a Kerry Collins highball glass. Here’s the thing: sure, I benched a guy who had a 39-point week, but now I also have one of the best players in fantasy on my roster – a guy I drafted at the end of Round 8. Nobody’s going to shed any tears for me.

So, here I am, agonizing over my decision and the defeat that it lead to, left all alone. I can only come back to the words of Mr. T, which elicited lots of laughter and joking when he wrote them in an email chain last year but which suddenly have taken on a stirring resonancy. “That’s life,” he said. “That’s fantasy football.”

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You Know Who You Should Sit?

(Offense – CIN) Where to begin? Carson Palmer’s completion percentage is hovering right at 49%, and he has yet to throw a TD. I’d honestly rather have Vince Young, busted knee, mental instability and all, under center than Palmer at this point. Seriously, Carson. Get a hold of yourself already.

Chad Johnson is playing with a partially torn labia and TJ Hashmazilli has only caught 6 balls all season. The two have combined for exactly zero touchdowns. Chris Perry and his pencil-thin moustache are averaging a whopping 2.7 yards per carry. The Bengals’ longest play from scrimmage was a 36-yard reception by…wait for it…wait for it…waaaaait for it…DeDe Dorsey?!? What the fuck, Bengals.

Oh, and to top things off, they go up against the Giants this week. Somebody told me they have a pretty decent pass rush or something.

Save yourself an anxiety attack and bench their asses this week. Each and every one of them. If you don’t have any other options, well, I’ll go ahead and second Clubber Lang’s prediction: pain.

You Know Who You Should Also Sit?

Earnest Graham (RB – TB) Earn has been pretty impressive this year, but sit him on the road against a tough defense (Chicago) that will make Brian Griese beat them.

Matt Ryan (QB – ATL) Matty Ice! Last week’s performance was nothing short of pathetic. I know, I know – he “looked good” in Week 1. But let’s not forget that that performance came against the Lions. Ryan’s ass should be firmly planted on the fantasy pine until he’s able to show that he’s able to consistently put up at least mediocre numbers.

Larry Johnson (RB – KC) LJ has looked absolutely awful this year, and to top things off, now he’s whining about it. On the bright side, he plays on a team coached by Herm Edwards. Lawrence, please take your seat. It’s the one over there, right next to the Bigg Fogg cooling fan.
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You Know Who You Should Start?

J.T. O'Sullivan (QB - SF) After being passed around the NFL more than the town bicycle, this crafty veteran has finally found a home in San Francisco. Crafty? Okay, that's kind of a stretch, but Mike Martz can make anyone look good. The names Warner, Bulger and Kitna weren't exactly synonymous with performance until they were under the Mad Scientist's tutelage. Last week, O'Sullivan played well in a hostile environment against a decent Seattle defense. Now he's at home against a Lions team that has given up 82 points over the last two weeks. Usually a Martz QB spends more time on his back than your sister did back in college, but thankfully Detroit's defense doesn't present much of a pass rush. Martz will also be looking to send a big F-YOU to the Lions after the team gave up on him last year. Expect O'Sullivan to ride Air Martz and ride it well on his way to a big fantasy weekend.

You Know Who You Should Also Start?

Aaron Rogers (QB - GB) Rogers showed last year that he could light up the Cowboys defense. After watching McNabb do the same last week, this seems like an easy play.

Julius Jones (RB - SEA) The Rams have been bludgeoned by opposing teams' running games over the past two weeks. After showing what he can do with a decent amount of carries last week, Jones should continue the trend.

Kevin Smith (RB - DET) Silent Bob should snag a TD or two in this shootout.

Santana Moss (WR - WSH) After slipping in most fantasy drafts, Moss is quietly putting together a nice start to the season. If the Cardinals score points like they're capable of, Moss and his Redskin buddies will have to air it out to keep up.

Bryant Johnson (WR - SF) Someone's going to have to catch O'Sullivan's passes.

John Carlson (TE - SEA) Wide receivers are falling so fast in Seattle that the Seahawks had to bail Koren Robinson out of prison just to get some talent on the field. Carlson has been the only constant for Hasselbeck this year and the coaches love him.
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The Marble Ryan Lock of the Week

Monday night's shootout between the Eagles and the Cowboys was arguably one of the most entertaining football games of the last five years. There were huge plays, several lead changes, tremendous individual performances and even brilliant coaching displays, with Jason Garrett anticipating Philly's half-time adjustments to T.O. and designing a second-half offensive scheme that didn't rely on his best player. That's some high –level counter-espionage right there.

But as impressive as the Cowboys offense looked in the Monday night shoot out, the defense was clearly exposed. Pacman "Adam" Jones looked rusty after a year of straight chillin', and, though you might think of Roy Williams' absence as a positive, backup safeties are generally the most unskilled labor within the NFL's economic structure. If rookie DeSean Jackson can have a monster day against this Cowboys defense, what do you think the Green Bay WR corps, which is one of the best in the lig, is going to be able to do? The Packers, 3-point dogs at home, are going to put on a fireworks display that will humiliate the people of Beijing and most likely lead to the execution of whoever designed the opening ceremony for the Olympics. Stick your head in a giant piece of foam cheese and lock up the Pack for an entertaining victory at home.

The pick: Green Bay (+3) vs. Dallas.
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Players Who Are No Use to You Now But One Day Will Be

Whether you’re riding high at 2-0 or feeling desperate at 0-2, it’s time to start looking beyond next week’s game and focus on the stretch run. The players you win with late in the season and into the playoffs are not always the guys you drafted; as Torry Hallelujah pointed out in our Week 3 podcast, I won the RGFL last year with a RB trio of Kenny Watson, Kolby Smith, and Darius Walker. It’s easy to forget about this now, but late in the season, the starters who carried you to the top of your league are often A) injured, B) sitting out because their team has nothing to play for, or C) in jail for mistreating puppies. With that in mind, let me crack an egg of knowledge on your head by taking a look at a few commonly available players who could determine the fate of your season.

Jamaal Charles (RB – KC) LJ needs to learn that you can’t complain about PT when you rush for less than 2 yards per carry. At some point, the Chiefs are going to have to go with the back that shows acceleration and burst. Charles has used his track-star speed to pass Kolby Smith on the depth chart; it won’t be long before he starts seeing more carries.

Bobby Engram (WR – SEA) If you’ve been following the running drama that is the Seahawks’ wide receiver situation, you’ve already seen more casualties than the Andrea Doria. Engram is still a few weeks away from returning, but when he gets back he’ll quickly become Hasselbeck’s go-to guy, just like last year.

Chester Taylor (RB - MIN) Maybe Taylor’s not as far off the radar as the rest of these names, but he still warrants mentioning. The fact is, AD is not playing 16 games this year. He’s just not. His hamstring is starting to act up, so trade for The Molester on the cheap. As long as you don’t have to mortgage your starting line-up, you’ll be happy you did come November.

Chris Taylor (RB – HOU) Ahman Green is more done than a Blondies hamburger and Steve Slaton is too small to withstand the punishment of being an NFL running back. Keep an eye on Taylor, who will likely see some carries near the goal line and who could take over the job later this year.

Dominic Rhodes (RB – IND) Because Joseph Addai can never stay healthy.

Fred Jackson (RB – BUF) Because Marshawn Lynch can never stay healthy.

Sindey Rice and Bernard Berrian (WR – MIN) We were down on Berrian on Tuesday, but look how quickly things change. If Gus Frerotte becomes entrenched as the starter, both Vikings WRs become players to watch. Rice has loads of raw talent and could post second half numbers similar to the ones Brandon Marshall put up last year.

Garrett Mills (TE – MIN) Once Brad Childress realizes that Visante Shiancoe is worth about as much as a Hamlet 2 promo poster, they’ll look to the promising Mills.

James Jones (WR – GB) Donald Driver and The Talented Motherfucker, Greg Jennings, both have had injury woes in the past. Jones built up a rapport with Rodgers during their days together on the second string and could become A-Rod’s main target if he finds his way into the starting line-up. You always go with the guy you came up with, or so says Michael J. Cox, anyways.
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The Week 3 Podcast: "It's true -- I do love Beijing"

Marble Ryan joins Torry Hallelujah to discuss discuss Gus Frerortte, Adrian Peterson, Mad Men, The Rex Grossman Fantasy Lig, and more.

Donwload the Podcast



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Sin-Sin-Not-I

For week 3, I've drawn McCord Blows on the schedule, and I'm loving my chances. It's got nothing to do with the explosive start we've seen from that talented Mo-Fo Greg Jennings, by far my favorite player on my team. Nor do I think Peyton Manning is due for a big time turn around quite yet – I'm waiting for his bye week to pass before that pick pays dividends. No, what's got my fantasy juices bubbling this week is my Giants' D matching up against the putrid Bengals offense, who have brought shame on their fans and patrons the first two weeks of the year.

Heading into this season the Bengals were considered both a playoff contender and a team you could enjoy watching on a Sunday afternoon. The fact that the Bengals stopped being terrible at all circa 2005 is the ultimate expression of the NFL's much renowned parity, since the team was the lig's biggest joke throughout much of my lifetime. An afternoon spent watching Reds owner Marge Schott's dogs take dumps on the field was probably more enjoyable for a Cincinattan than going to a Bung-holes game.

After a brief respite from the misery for residents of the Queen City, it appears we're back to reality, and I love it. Carson Palmer has been atrocious, completing less than half his passes over his first two games. He's never been the same since the knee in jury in the '05 playoffs. During week 1 he could be seen making throws that had the fans clamoring for the days of Dave Klingler and Akili Smith. Most fantasy owners are already looking for his replacement in their starting lineup and you can't blame them. With names like Cutler, Rogers, and Rivers producing, you'd wouldn't be questioned for placing Palmer on the pine for the forseeable future.

Carson's gotten no help from his receivers Ocho Stinko and Housh. Missing the preseason is never a positive for an offense, regardless of how long skill position players have been together. You also can't expect the receivers to excel when the ball goes flying over their head. Slow Eater has Chad riding the bench for his team this week. Maybe you should too. Look for better matchups until Stinko proves otherwise.

The offensive line hasn't much better. The running game shines of mediocrity, with neither Chris Perry nor Kenny Watson able to do damage. Watson was a preseason favorite of the great Matthew Berry, but one can't be that high on him these days. I touted Perry as a preseason sleeper and he showed some skills last week against Tennessee. Given that the locker room is liable to combust at any second, even the poor man's Tiki Barber is a holding proposition.

Yes, I'm licking my chops for the matchup my Giants D drew this week. I'm ready to ride the failures of the Bengals at every level of the organization straight to a 3-0 start for Wo Ai Beijing. Sing along with me!
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Rating the Receivers

A lot can happen in two weeks. If you’re looking at 0-2 like I am, things don’t seem rosy. I always draft more running backs than I need because I think that you can always pick up receivers from the free agent or waiver pool. This year is no different. A few of last year’s studs don’t look so studly, and a few guys who were drafted late or not at all look great. But who falls into which camp? Let’s take a look.

The Charles Barkley Division (Fave Five)

1. Terrell Owens (DAL) With Moss now catching balls from Matt Cassell, TO takes over the top spot.
2. Reggie Wayne (IND) Marvin’s not the same player he used to be, so former second fiddle Wayne will continue to put up elite numbers.
3. Randy Moss (NE) I’m not as low on Moss as some, but if Belichick goes back to his early ‘00s offense, Moss could be in trouble.
4. Brandon Marshall (DEN) A man on a mission. Cutler’s making the leap and Marshall’s jumping with him. The emergence of Eddie Royal and Tony Scheffler will help keep opposing defenses honest.
5. Andre Johnson (HOU) The Texans don’t have a backfield presence to take the pressure off him, but Andre should still thrive given how often they’ll be playing from behind. If he can stay healthy, he’ll be a monster.

The Sarah Palin Division (Rising Five)

1. Calvin Johnson (DET) In Week 1, the man they call “Bolt” got twice as many looks as Roy Williams. In Week 2, he displayed his freakish athletic ability by breaking away from the defense for two scores. Kitna’s hanging from a string, so he’ll keep throwing to the guy who knows how to get in the endzone.
2. Greg Jennings (GB) Aaron Rodgers is for real, which means that GJ will keep making those Lambeau Leaps.
3. DeSean Jackson (PHI) Sure, he’s a moron for dropping the ball on the 1-yard line on Monday night, but he’s posted back-to-back 100-yard games. Ever since TO left, Donovan’s been looking for someone to share his Chunky soup with, and Jackson is in the mood for some Mulligatawny. Who-ah! Who-ah!
4. Matt Jones (JAX) Maybe an eight ball really can focus a man. With their guards out of the line-up, expect the Jaguars to throw the ball more often. Jones seems like he’s Garrard’s guy right now.
5. Bryant Johnson (SF) Week 2 showed that Arizona’s former first round pick is now JT O’Sullivan’s main target. Every year, a receiver you wouldn’t expect rides Air Martz and rides it well. Jump on board now.

The Lehman Brothers Division (Falling Five)

1. Braylon Edwards (CLE) The Browns’ offense looks inept and the schedule doesn’t get easier. Missing the preseason looks like it brought Edwards back to his Michigan days. Nobody lays a finger on his Butterfingers.
2. Roddy White (ATL) When you account for 35% of your QB’s passing yards, that’s a good thing. When your QB only has 319 yards after two games, that’s a bad thing. I don’t see Ryan improving much, so don’t expect Rowdy Roddy to drop too many elbows from the top rope this season.
3. Laveranues Coles (NYJ) After two weeks, he already looks dejected and his drops are higher than usual. Once Favre and Cotchery consummate their budding romance, Coles will be officially out in the cold.
4. Javon Walker (DEN) If you’ve seen the Raiders play this year, you know that the Oakland passing attack is about as attractive as the AIG balance sheet. Add the residual effects of his injuries and emotional trauma and you may have a guy whose days in The Lig are numbered.
5. Bernard Berrian (MIN) To be fair, it’s tough to catch passes that are thrown directly into the ground. Until Tarvaris Jackson finds his way to the bench, the Vikings receivers are like Amy Winehouse — strictly a hands-off proposition.
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Why I Suck This Year

To all my fans,

It’s not easy being a running back – let alone the best – in this league. Week after week, you run as hard as you can into a mess of fat, sweaty linemen. Even worse, most of them grab your package when they’re trying to tackle you.

Coming off our loss to the Patriots in the playoffs last season, you probably figured that I’d be invigorated and looking for revenge. I’m not. I’m injured, I’m kind of a baby, and I just don’t feel like running hard anymore.

I suck. If you drafted me with the number one overall pick, I’m really sorry.

But not all of this is my fault. After all, I wasn’t that great last season, either. Before you made me the #1 pick, did you ever stop to think that the slide in my stats last year was the beginning of a trend? Don’t blame me because you can’t crunch numbers.

Late against Carolina in Week 1, I knew the game was on the line and all, but who wants to deal with all that pressure? I mean, my toe really hurt. When I started limping, some guys on the Panthers started calling me names. Names, man. Who needs that? Not me. I grabbed a seat on the bench and called it a day.

Things weren’t much better against Denver last week. They’ve got some cats on that team who are downright scary, man. I looked over at their sideline and saw Mike Shanahan. Dude was giving me the thousand-yard stare. I took my 10 carries and got the hell out of there. I mean, what would you have done?

This week we play the Jets, who’ve gotten much better at stopping the run. Here’s what I’m thinking: if I play the injury card all week so that when I only gain 19 yards in the first half, people won’t hold it against me. I’ve scored enough touchdowns over the years that I figure I should let Darren Sproles have some. It’s only fair.

I’m sorry if you expected more from me this year, but I’m not really sure what to tell you. I’ve lost the fire, lost the passion. Have you ever gotten to the point with a job where you just totally checked out? That’s totally where I’m at right now. AD and McFadden can have the glory; I don’t really want it anymore. It’s time for me to take the next step in my career. Maybe I’ll get into blogging. I hear there’s a lot of money in that.

Sincerely,
LaDainian Tomlinson

LaDainian Tomlinson is the starting running back of the San Diego Chargers.
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Scout's Take

Each week, our scouts gather together to share their observations on the most noteworthy Sunday performances. Unfortunately, after our Lehman stock got wiped out, we had to lay them all off. In their place are Black Irish, Mr. T, Marble Ryan, and Steve Stevens, who let us know what they took away from the Week 2 action.

Black Irish:
Dear Carson Palmer,
You’re dead to me.
Your pal,
Irish

Steve Stevens: If anyone’s interested, Randy Moss is on the block. I can see him becoming a cancer on my team with Matt Cassell throwing to him.

Marble Ryan: Oh yeah, count on Randy Moss mailing it in the rest of the season. No way he stays motivated without Brady barking at him.

Mr. T: Don’t forget that last year was Moss’s contract year. Michael J. Cox knew that when he drafted him last year. Brotha is getting paid now. The popcorn man might be the new #1 WR.

Marble Ryan: Also, can someone explain to me what is wrong with Mike Shanahan? I can understand playing Pittman at the goal line...he’s big and strong and a cagy vet. But what is the point of giving carries to Andre Hall? He’s not good! Selvin Young is ten times better — he should be getting 15 to 20 carries a game. Shanahan is such a stubborn jack ass! Andre Hall is garbage...anyone have an explanation for me??

Mr. T: When you’re slim at the waist, you can’t handle 20 carries a game — that’s how he got hurt last year. And it’s all scheme, so Shanahan can keep running in whoever. By keeping the carries down, the contract $ stays down, too. It doesn’t matter when you got Brandon Marshall, though. He was right on about 140 catches. Speaking as a premier touch football defensive back, couldn’t they possibly adjust the coverage? Most of his catches came on like 8 yards routes. Couldn’t San Diego just roll the safety over and run some press coverage with Cromartie? I mean, how many times can you give up that same play? I thought the Chargers’ secondary was supposed to be better than that.

Marble Ryan: Well, Marshall obviously made that statement after having some conversations with Shanahan and Cutler. They probably told him beforehand that he’d be getting fed the ball like a running back, so it’s not much of a prediction. To use a metaphor you might understand, Mr. T, it’s like telling your buddies you think you can bang a chick after she’s been sending you dirty text messages.

Mr. T: It’s all part of a larger plan. Shanahan can tell Marshall that because hisrap sheet is so long, he’ll never be able to get big guaranteed $$. To use a metaphor you can understand, it’s like paying $10 for a porno with a C level actress as opposed to paying like $30 for one with Tera Patrick. Sure, the C level actress has some red flags, but at the end of the day, she still makes all the plays you need her to make.

Marble Ryan: Except that Marshall isn't C level, he's one of the best receivers in The Lig. You are an idiot.

Mr. T: Change the C level to the new Jenna Jameson with her saggy body and deformed face. Those red flags = Marshall's multiple arrests. It's still a good porno in the Marble Ryan household. Rotoworld says Roy’s complaining about his role in the new Lions’ offense. Williams has six catches for 95 yards in two games so far.

Marble Ryan: He was regressing last year too...he basically has one good year under him, but he’s always been a prima donna...right now, he just doesn’t have to goods to compete with Bolt.

Mr. T: In Week 1, Calvin saw 10 looks and Roy only 5. Roy shouldn’t have talked up Bolt so much.
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I Hate You, Ed Hochuli

What the fuck, Ed Hochuli?

No, seriously, what the fuck?

I’m up comfortably, 102-90, in my work league near the end of the 4 p.m. games yesterday. I’m a little nervous because the team I’m playing has both Jay Cutler and Eddie Royal, but I breathe a big sigh of relief when the ball comically slips out of Cutler’s hands at the San Diego 10-yard line. But there’s some confusion. Was it a fumble? Was it an incomplete pass? The red flag flies from the pocket of Norv Turner’s pleated wrinkle-frees and onto the field, and I exhale, confident that the replays will bear out the fact that this was a plain old motherfucking fumble.

Which they do. No matter which angle you view the replay from, it’s a fumble. Over and over, I watch as the ball pops out of the helmet-haired QB’s hands like a bar of soap in the shower.

After seemingly spending an hour watching the play through his peep show viewer, Hochuli arrogantly trots out onto the field like a high school gym teacher and announces that he blew the whistle – and the call. It was a fumble, he says, but because the play was blown dead before San Diego could recover, Denver keeps the ball.

What?

HOW CAN YOU JUST ADMIT THAT YOU TOTALLY SCREWED UP AND NOT DO ANYTHING TO FIX IT? WHY DID YOU BLOW THE WHISTLE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE?!? HAS ALL THAT MUSCLE MILK FUCKED UP YOUR BRAIN???

Two plays later, Cutler finds Royal for a TD. Of course he does. 102-100.

Okay, this can still work, I tell myself. But then Mike Shanahan, in a move that I still can’t rationally discuss, decides to go for two. What is this, the Sugar Bowl?

Cutler to Royal for the 2 point conversion. 102-104. I lose.

I hope your wife forced you to stay outside and do lat pull-downs all night, Ed Hochuli. I hope she made you sleep out in the garage with your Bowflex. But you know what? No matter how big those biceps get, they’ll still be attached to the biggest douchebag ever to ref an NFL game. I hate you. I hate you so much.

– Kevin B., Philadelphia, PA

Who Else Do the People Hate?

I hate you so much, Hurricane Ike. With Andre Johnson and Matt Schaub out of my line-up as a result of you forcing the Texans-Ravens game to be postponed, I had to start Jamarcus Russell and Muhsin Muhammad. I’ll give you one guess as to how that worked out for me.

– Natalie P., Boston, MA

You know who I hate? Anquan Boldin. As an owner of Larry Fitzgerald, I figured the two would cancel each other out. And, basically, they did. Except for those three touchdowns Kurt Warner threw to Boldin. Thanks for costing me the win, Warner.

- Charles C., New York, NY
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You Know Who You Should Sit?

Chris Chambers (WR - SD) Back in high school, everyone wanted a piece of Susie Palmer. Those long legs and low-cut tops…MAN was that girl fine. She was always the talk in the cafeteria. But even though she was hottest girl in school, she was still really nice and polite, leading you to think that you actually had a chance with her. One day, you finally worked up the courage to make your move. The scene from Can’t Hardly Wait starts playing in your head. If the prematurely balding Ethan Embry could score Jennifer Lovebombs, why can’t you bag Susie? So, when you run into her at a party one night, you drop your best line on her. BAM – you’re neutralized straight to the DOME. She shuts you down and you walk away emasculated; crestfallen, you spend the rest of your night at home watching Emmanuelle in Space on Cinemax.

That’s what’s going to happen to Chris Chambers when he goes up against Champ Bailey on Sunday. Sure, Chambers has had some nice games, but Champ is the best in the league and everyone knows it – and anyone who’s dumb enough to challenge him gets burned. Facing a questionable Broncos run defense, San Diego will give the rock to LT and Darren Sproles and leave a box of tissues for Chambers. That’s all he’s getting this weekend. Maybe Champ can provide some lotion.

You Know Who You Should Also Sit?

Derek Anderson (QB - CLE) The whole Cleveland offense looked out of sync last week. Pittsburgh’s defense won’t help that.

Carson Palmer (QB - CIN) Tennessee’s defense manhandled Jax last week. Palmer’s lack of preseason work with his receivers is going to hurt him for the next few weeks.

Ryan Grant (RB - GB) The candidate for this week’s Bad Hammy Award will take a seat on the bench once the Packers take a big lead.

Laurence Maroney (RB - NE) There’s no way the Jets let the Pats’ running game beat them. And if they do, get ready for Sammy Morris to steal Jabroney’s thunder.

Laveranues Coles (WR - NYJ) Cotchery is Broadway Brett’s main target. Coles probably calls Pennington every night to say how much he misses him.
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You Know Who You Should Start?

Chris Johnson (RB – TEN) I’ve been touting the latest in the line of Titans RBs named Chris since the preseason. I had one look at his YouTube highlight reel (look at that acceleration!) and immediately moved him up my draft board. CJ had 127 total yards and 1 TD last week, and if he hadn’t had to leave the game due to cramps he probably would’ve delivered even more fantasy goodness. Move him past whichever veteran RB is ahead of him on your depth chart and get ready for a good season.

You Know Who You Should Also Start?

Donald Driver (WR – GB) If not for that stupid penalty, The Donald would’ve had 90 yards and TD last week. With Ryan Grant’s sore hammy and a confident Aaron Rodgers, the Pack should be throwing the ball around a lot on Sunday.

Penelope Cruz (Actress – Spain) I’ll be honest, I kind of thought she’d been drifting towards irrelevance, but she definitely brought the fire in Vicky Christina Barcelona, even showing up Scarlett Johansson, which, as we all know, is no easy task. You’re with me, Cruz.

Justin Gage (WR – TEN) Now that Uncle Rico’s out of the line up, Gage has a chance to shine against a terrible Bengals defense. It’s a good thing Cincy brought in Marvin Lewis. Can’t imagine where they’d be without him.

Anthony Fasano (TE – MIA) The Dolphins are a young team looking for a consistent performer on offense and have a QB who can’t throw the ball much further than the average Peter North money shot. I’d say this can work.
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The Marble Ryan Lock of the Week

Every Friday, Marble Ryan will offer up The Marble Ryan Lock of the Week, an under-the-radar, sure-fire NFL pick backed by his proprietary insight. But be forewarned: we in no way advise you to actually take this pick to your local bookkeeper; in fact, we recommend against it. After all, if you hear a cold metallic tap on your door late at night, we're not going to be there to bail you out. But if you want a peek into the pre-eminent football mind of an entire generation, look no further.

It was an inauspcious start to the 2008 season here at the Marble Ryan Lock of the Week headquarters. The 49ers, our pick for Week 1, turned in a stinker at home, putting up just 13 points against a mediocre Cardinals defense. Niners QB J.T. O'Sullivan did not deliver the kind of numbers we've come to expect from a QB in a Mike Martz offense, proving that even the Mad Scientist can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit.

Now, though, after a week of scouting I feel like I have my sea legs back, and I'm ready to start making some serious money. There’s a lot of opportunity on the board in Week 2. Oakland at Kansas City offers a match-up of arguably the two worst teams in the lig, always an intriguing proposition for a gambling man like myself. Denver as a home dog sounds sexy, too, especially considering the Chargers’ propensity for playing like crap the first month of every season (LT included – check the stats). But as tempting as these are, neither is really Lock of the Week material.

It’s early in the season and I’m still feeling frisky. This weekend, I’ve got my eye on Charlotte, where the Panthers will get a visit from a very feisty Bears club. Carolina has perfected the art of garbaajjery at home, going 2-6 there last season, and last Sunday night Chicago looked as real as real gets. Matt “All Day” Fo’tay is a star in the making, and the Bears have a long history of winning with the worst player on the team at QB.

Vegas is taking 3.5 points away from the Panthers, but I see them stumbling after an emotionally draining last-second win in Week 1. Lock up Da Bears to win outright with the season’s first Hester TD, more size in your face from Fo’tay, another injury to Jonathan Stewart, and 71 shots of Sexy Rexy on the sideline pretending to pay attention to the game but actually looking at porn hidden on his clipboard.

The pick: Chicago (+3.5) @ Carolina
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