The Marble Ryan Lock of the Week

The results speak for themselves: putting Michael J. Cox on the other side of my bets, regardless of whether he agrees with them or not, has taken the Lock to the level of brilliance we expected from the get go. Last week, even Cox himself had to nod his head in capitulation when I handed my loyal readers the lock of the millennium. I don't really know what Vegas was thinking taking points away from the Chargers against a streaking Colts team.

The result begs the question: is there a flaw in the picking system at RGIOQB.com? I mean, I can't help but feel bad for Cox, who's at quite a disadvantage stuck putting his money against the expert prognostications formulated at the Marble Institute. He's got no choices, no defenses, and no control. So, in the interest of fairness, I think we can experiment in Week 13 with a pick that might not be the most obvious choice; something that won't have Cox so worried that he can't get it up for the big scene in Butt Busters 17 he'll be filming on Saturday afternoon.

This weekend the Broncos will visit the Meadowlands, gasping for air and drawing a red hot Jets team. Cutler has looked very average over the past few weeks, and I think we can all agree that Denver's pathetic running back situation is likely to go to zero against the Jets improving run D. A Jets win won't be a surprise to anyone, although a Jets loss wouldn't be a surprise to Jets fans. I'm not a Jets fan, but Vegas and I are in agreement that the Broncos will head back to Denver with one more notch in the L column. However, let's not forget that this team is a likely division champion, and coach Shanahan no doubt has some tricks up his sleeve for this potential playoff preview.

Are you comfortable with the notion of a Jets win by more than a TD? 7.5 points sounds a little steep to me. Favre is due for a down game, and Cutler is due for a good one. Look for Thomas Jones to single handedly win the game despite Favre's best efforts to blow it. This game has the makings to be one of the most exciting of the season. I'm looking for the Jets to pull out the win in a shootout with lots of big plays and lots of mistakes. The Broncos might not be winning this week, but they are paying, so lock it up for an under the radar money maker.

The Pick: Denver +7.5 @ NEW YORK

Season record: 5-5 (6-6 with Michael J. Cox's assistance)

Every Friday, Marble Ryan will offer up The Marble Ryan Lock of the Week, an under-the-radar, sure-fire NFL pick backed by his proprietary insight. But be forewarned: we in no way advise you to actually take this pick to your local bookkeeper; in fact, we recommend against it. After all, if you hear a cold metallic tap on your door late at night, we're not going to be there to bail you out. But if you want a peek into the pre-eminent football mind of an entire generation, look no further.
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You Know Who You Should Sit?

Matt Cassell (QB – NE) When he first took over the starting job, Cassell was hard-working and determined to prove his critics wrong, but my sources tell me that his past few weeks of fantasy success may have gone to the quarterback’s head. Whereas he used to tell people how he just wanted to “do a good job until Brady’s able to return,” now he's been heard declaring that "We don't need that overpaid pretty boy! Has he ever thrown for over 400 yards in back to back games!? I didn't think so!" His dreams of surpassing Brady have gone so far that he's even been spotted canoodling with former Brady girlfriend Bridget Moynahan, and been telling anyone who would listen that he's "not only a better quarterback then that asshole, but also a hell of a better father!" Moynahan's publicist confirms that the two are dating, but rumors that Cassell insists on being told how much better in the bedroom he is than Brady have yet to be confirmed. All in all, expect Cassell to be too distracted this week to do much against the tough Steelers defense.

You Know Who Else You Should Sit?

Peyton Hillis (DRBS) Speaking of hot fantasy players about to come down to earth, Hillis is the latest in a long line of Denver RBs to come out of nowhere and achieve fantasy prominence. And, like those who came before him, Hillis can't be counted on for week-to-week production. This week, the Broncos take on the Jets, who are coming off a week in which they shut down the powerful Tennessee run game. Also, the Broncos will be welcoming Selvin Young, and for all we know, he could end up getting most of the carries. Look elsewhere.

Dwayne Bowe (WR – KC) As bad as my beloved Chiefs have been, and no matter which quarterback they’ve had under center, Dwayne Bowe has managed to be a consistent fantasy producer all year. Unfortunately, this week the Chiefs face the Raiders, and we all know what that means: Bowe will be matched up against Nnamdi Asomugha. Normally I don't pay much attention to which defensive back is going to be matched up against my receivers, but I make the exception for Asomungha, who has made a habit of completely neutralizing the best receivers in the NFL. Expect a tough day for Bowe.

Eli Manning (QB – NYG) While I think Manning will likely put up a good enough day to lead the Giants to victory against the Redskins, I think this will be another week where the Giants lean heavily on their running game, and that means disappointing fantasy numbers for Eli.

Marques Colston (WR – NO) Drew Brees seems to have a favorite receiver, and his name, unfortunately for Colston, is Lance Moore. While the Saints still throw it around enough for multiple receivers to get their yards, the fact is the Bucs have allowed only 4 receiving TDs at home all year. Add to that the fact that Reggie Bush is expected to return and factor heavily into the passing game, and suddenly it seems like there won’t be enough touches to go around. 2008 is beginning to look like a lost season for the talented receiver.
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You Know Who You Should Start?

Matt Ryan (QB – ATL) Giving thanks is common at this time of year. There are a lot of things I’m thankful for: DVR, Kraft Singles, Slingbox, and Carol Alt still bringing the heat at age 47. I’m also thankful I’ve never seen 87 and Still Banging because I hear that sets back a man’s sex drive for at least 5 years. It appears Matt Ryan hasn’t caught this film, either, because he’s been consistently effective in his rookie year. He hasn’t thrown a TD in the last two weeks, but before that, he went through a stretch where he threw 2 TDs in 4 of 5 games, so it’s not like he can’t find the end zone. He’s also completing a good percentage of his passes. Ryan’s fantasy owners should be thankful he’ll be facing a Chargers pass defense this week that has continuously proved to be softer than your belly after that extra helping of sweet potatoes. Expect Ryan to get back on track, because it’s unlikely you’ll see Alt naked outside of the pages in Playboy and it’s unlikely Michael Turner will have another 4 TD game.

You Know Who Else You Should Start?

Donovan McNabb & Brian Westbrook (QB, RB – PHI) Expect the duo to spring for 4 TDs each and a lot of yardage? Wait, that game was played already?!? I must’ve passed out from the tryptophan.

Chad Pennington (QB – MIA) Chad showed last week he can be explosive in fantasy sectors. His soft arm doesn’t translate to a hard time against the Rams.

Steve Slaton (RB – HOU) He’s a little banged up, but it’s nothing some Xango can’t fix. With Ahman Green shelved for the season, it’s Slaton’s world and we’re all just living in it.

Mewelde Moore (RB – PIT) This is conditional of Willie Parking being too banged up to play. In each of the four games he’s started, Moore has produced 10+ fantasy points. He’ll be starting against the Pats this week, which sounds like a nice combination to me after Thomas Jones ran well a couple weeks ago. I mean, what's not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, good!

Jerricho Cotchery (WR – NYJ) The Champ might be back for Denver, but even if he is, Dre Bly is getting slow and old. Expect Crotch-rottery to produce with a hot Favre.

Vincent Jackson (WR – SD) I see a shootout in San Diego this week and Jackson has been the most effective Chargers’ receiver this year. And if one of my least favorite players doesn’t perform, I’ll drug him with turkey and boxed wine until he passes out and I can play with his Easy Bake oven.
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Turkey Time

Thanksgiving always provides a few things to fantasy football fans: three games to get excited about (even if one includes the Lions), the chance to shore up a playoff birth, and an few extra pounds around the waistline. While mom’s stuffing never disappoints, there are numerous players who have comes up short in the 2008 season. Today we take a look at this season’s fantasy turkeys – a group who couldn’t be improved even if they were wrapped in bacon.

Torry Holt (WR – STL) If only we could be screaming Hallelujah with the performance Mr. Holt has delivered this season. The Rams offense has been incredibly anemic, but Holt was able to survive that for a good part of last season. This year he appears to be a step slow and has completely dropped off the map in terms of fantasy credibility. The team ordered a routine physical last week to determine whether or not he still had all his limbs attached. Holt’s 2 TDs put him on pace for his lowest total since 2002, but at least he had 1,300 yards that year. An easy end-of-season schedule might seem promising, but I’d rather opt for the sweet potatoes.

Ladanian Tomlinson (RB – SD) You didn’t think we’d leave the fake LT off this list, did you? Unlike Lawrence Taylor, Tomlinson can’t blame his lack of production on an eight ball or some hookers. While some look to the injured toe as an excuse, I see a major disappointment. He looks exceptionally fast in that Vizio commercial, doesn’t he? Like Holt, he’s got a cushy schedule coming up, but he sure as hell hasn’t delivered for you this season. It’s a shame the 30-minutes-or-less policy doesn’t apply to #1 overall picks.

Roy Williams (WR – DAL) Even though he’s no longer a Lion, I felt compelled to include him as an honorary member on this list. He was drafted by Detroit with high expectations, but his production fell somewhat shorter of an Indian micro-penis. Unfortunately, there was no extensive survey done to find out Williams’ issue. At least the Indians were potent. Now in Dallas, Williams plays third fiddle. He’s become an afterthought for fantasy purposes, and the Cowboys schedule doesn’t aide him after this week’s cupcake vs. Seattle.

Larry Johnson (RB – KC) Honestly, what did you expect? When he wasn’t smacking a bitch up, he was running for three yards and a cloud of dust. The Chiefs offensive line was in shambles to begin the season, which didn’t help his cause, but overuse in previous seasons has caused Johnson to lose a step. The only thing to get Johnson through the hole quicker would be to sign Beyonce as a lead blocker because then, and only then, would LJ explode through the hole to chase after her beautiful donk. Let’s face it, LJ has no place in the Chiefs new spread offense. While his matchups aren’t bad, I’ll settle for another heaping of stuffing, some smaller condoms to control the Indian population, and a new Vizio TV.
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Week 13 Podcast: "Anybody can catch staph infections in Cleveland these days..."

Marble Ryan joins guest host Mr. T in discussing Donovan McNabb, the Browns offense, and Thursday's Thanksgiving games.

Donwload the Podcast



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Wednesday Afternoon Quarterback: Ten Things Peter King Thinks He Thinks

1. I drove out to the Jets practice facility last week to toss the ball around a little with Brett Favre. He’d showered and changed already, and was wearing a weathered pair of Wranglers and a t-shirt that hugged his rugged, masculine frame. The staff had shut off a few of the lights, but still his stubble glinted in the glow of … Sorry, I need to remember I'm a married man.

2. Spoke with Darren McFadden over Skype last week. He said, “Hello? Yo Pete, are you there? What’s going on here, man? All I hear is static. Aw man, fuck this shit, I’m outta here.” Catch up with you soon, D-Mac!

3. You know I’m not the biggest fantasy nut, but I have to tell you, pick up Adrian Peterson. Now. This kid’s going to be a star!

4. Wow, what an episode of House last week! It never fails to amaze me how every week, they can come up with a medical emergency that’s so compelling – and then resolve it all in the same episode! Also, I can’t wait to finally see this “24” show that everyone is talking about. The last I saw Kiefer Sutherland, he was starring in Stand By Me.

5. Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week: I found myself in Lambert-St. Louis International Airport on the 16th connecting flight of a 20-leg trip. At first, they directed me to Gate 25. Then, they changed it to Gate 24 – which, you would think, would be right next to Gate 25 and not, as it turned out, on the other side of the airport. Then they changed it back to Gate 11, which was right next to Gate 25! What kind of crazy world do we live in! It’s almost enough to make me wish I didn’t travel 356 days a year.

6. Looks like I got the numbers on that Kawika Mitchell contract wrong. If he plays in 17.5% of all third down snaps this season, he will receive a bonus of $145,000, not $135,000, as I stated in last week’s column. Additionally, he plays for the Buffalo Bills, not the Cincinnati Bengals. Sorry about that!

7. Coffeenerdness: At a Starbucks on I-70 in Ohio last week, I stood in line behind a portly woman with blonde, bushy hair. When she approached the counter, she ordered a double whip latte with skim milk. When she tasted her coffee, she handed it back to the barista, saying, “This doesn’t taste like skim milk to me!” Come on, people! What’s the point of ordered a latte with skim milk if you’re going to get double whip cream with it? I think everyone in this country has gone mad sometimes.

8. Who’s excited for Thanksgiving? Maybe I’ll get to see my wife this year. Sometimes, I forget what she looks like.

9. It’s been an honor and a pleasure, Calvin Hanabury. I wish you the best in all your projects, personal and professional.

10. I am lonely. So lonely.
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The Name Game

In honor of the segment of the same name on ESPN’s Fantasy Football Focus podcast, we’ve decided to take this Tuesday afternoon to have a little nominal fun of our own. The Name Game forces you to make a decision about which player you’d rather own from now until the end of the season. Standard scoring is assumed for all comparisons. Unfortunately we don’t have a fancy drop, so let’s go straight to our experts’ opinions.

Matt Cassel or Jay Cutler?

Marble Ryan: As good as Cassel has looked, I'd put my money on Cutler because of his talent. The supporting casts are a wash — I just think Cutler is the more capable athlete.

Black Irish: I’ll go with Cassel because it seems he's finally in sync with Moss. I buy what he's selling when he says he has been adjusting to game speed. He's been getting second team reps for years and now is finally seeing full first team reps and full game action. Compare this to guys like Matt Ryan and it makes sense he's hitting his stride now.

The Slow Eater: I know Cutler’s coming off a shitty game and Cassel just had a great one, but I still trust Cutler more. I also think opposing defenses are now going to be more prepared to not let Cassel beat them.

Steve Stevens: This is a tough one. I'm still not sold on Cassel, but Cutler is starting to look like monkey shit. Based on talent alone though, I'd stick with Cutler.

Torry Hallelujah: It’s Cassel and I don't think it's close.


Steve Slaton or DeAngelo Williams?

Black Irish: I’ll take Slaton. I like his big play ability.

The Slow Eater: I agree with Black Irish. I’m going with explosivity.

Steve Stevens: DeAngelo all the way on this one. Jonathan Stewart is hurt and it shows. How is DeAngelo Williams not explosive?

Marble Ryan: Anyone who says DeAngelo Williams is not explosive hasn't been watching football since October. This is the one that isn't even close — Williams is more talented, is on a better team, and has been playing better.

Torry Hallelujah: Williams has really impressed me this year. In each of his past four games, he's gone over 100 yards and scored at least once. I also wouldn't want to be counting on a rookie RB late in the season, even if he didn't exactly get a ton of early season carries.


Braylon Edwards or Laveranues Coles?

Marble Ryan: Edwards is the most disappointing player in fantasy this year, but
Coles has disappeared just as often. Again, I go with talent.

Black Irish: Uh, are you serious here? Braylon couldn't catch a beach ball if he wanted to. Plus he's got either Derek Anderson or a gimpy Brady Quinn throwing him the ball. It’s Coles hands down.

The Slow Eater: Even with all his drops, Braylon is getting a ton of targets per game. They're going to keep throwing him the ball because they know he's their best offensive weapon. You can't count on Coles to consistently put of points.

Steve Stevens: This is another tough one. Both are erratic but can put up major points any given week. Because Favre is playing great football, I'd go with Laveranues.

Torry Hallelujah: Please, gentlemen. The answer is Braylon — the guy just gets too many targets.
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Scouts’ Take: In which we discuss the exceedingly mediocre Donovan McNabb, the RGIOQB playoff race, and the NFL MVP candidates

Each week, our scouts gather to share their observations on the most noteworthy Sunday performances. Unfortunately, after blowing all our savings on a Toyota Corolla with 0% financing, we had to fire them all. In their place are Bruno, Marble Ryan, Mr. T, Steve Stevens, the Slow Eater, and Torry Hallelujah, who let us know what they took away from the Week 12 action.

Mr. T: So, do we think this is the end of the road for Donovan McNabb? At 5-6-1, the Eagles are still not completely out of the playoff run. Benching the dude at halftime really sends a message, especially when you're not getting blown out. Add the fact that Westbrook obviously is less than 75%, and it might be time to close the book on that Eagles offense. At least Cousin Bowser can turn to Shaun Hill, who, typical of a Mike Martz quarterback, has been effective for fantasy purposes since becoming the starter.

Marble Ryan: McNabb is done. Reid can't go back on his decision. McNabb on another team next year is a foregone conclusion, and they're not winning the Super Bowl, so they might as well get Kolb in there now and see what he can do. He looked pretty bad yesterday, too, though. A more interesting question is what kind of interest does McNabb get in the offseason? He's not very good, but I feel like someone is going to pay him way too much money.

Mr. T: Minnesota would sign him up right now. Some other teams would be on that line too. Kolb's basically a rookie, so you can't have any expectations for his play. Not everyone is as seasoned as Matt Ryan, with the ability to step in there and produce right away. If Kolb starts the rest of the season, we're talking about a major downgrade to DeSean Jackson and Kevin Curtis. Buckhalter sprained a knee ligament this week, so he's probably out for a little while. They might just shut down Westbrook too.

Steve Stevens: Lafayette Gold pulls out another win. The guy just knows how to win.

Marble Ryan: The Slow Eater’s karma play actually worked. Looks like the A-Team and KL Crew are neutralized, no matter who wins tonight.

Mr. T: The Slow Eater should strop worrying about Lafayette. Now that he's made the Brooklyn move official, his team's karma is about to go down the toilet. Watch Rodgers blow the game for him this week. By the way, if things hold this week, Lafayette beats the Slow Eater next week and Michael J. beats Marble Ryan, Lafayette jumps to 9-5 and takes over first place. I'm not sure I can live in a world where Basketball on Grass is a first place team...

The Slow Eater: I'm worried that finally getting an apartment might have killed my karma, although I think the change in my team's fortune's can be traced back to three weeks ago when I dropped Matt Cassel and he immediately turned into Kurt Warner.

Mr. T: Yeah that turned out to be pretty stupid, although I doubt you would've started Cassel over Rodgers or Cutler in any week. Cutler does look like crap from time to time. He needs to get his head in check because I see him complaining way too much. If the Raiders get under your skin, that's not a good sign for your mental stability.

Marble Ryan: Ever since Cutler made that comment about having a stronger arm than John Elway, his season has gone downhill and he hasn't done jack. Talk about bad karma.

Mr. T: Meanwhile, D-Mac looked rather explosive yesterday. He might finally be healthy. Fargas couldn't get moving down there near the goal line. We might be seeing more of D-Mac in these final few weeks. Shame he can't slot in at WR, or else it'd help the A-Team.

Marble Ryan: D-Mac could put up numbers like he did against Kentucky and it still wouldn't change the fact that the Z-Team will be watching the playoffs from the Carl Farbman chair.

Mr. T: Life's not over for Mr. T's A-Team just yet. A Steve Stevens win over Michael J. puts me one game out of the playoffs. Unfortunately Bowser couldn't take care of things on his end with Lafayette or we'd truly be alive. I ain't dead. And importantly for Mr. T's portfolio, I've got 2 playoff guarantees in other leagues and another knocking on the door, thus leaving the possibility of another net positive year on the table.

Mr. T: Eddie Royal had another explosive WR3 day. 14 yards on two catches is one hell of a day.

Marble Ryan: I think Nnamdi was covering him yesterday. Royal dropped a 45-yard diving grab that would've helped him out, but I blame the past two weeks on Cutler's shitty play. I think I'd be 1-3 without the trade versus 4-0 with it, so you can kiss my balls.

Mr. T: He wasn't guarded by Nnamdi. Nnamdi drew Marshall most of the game, but there were times when certain receivers were moved around the field, so Nnamdi switched off. At least that’s what the report said. Your trade only worked out because of the karma, which led to the injuries of Schaub and McGahee. Those aren't things that could've been predicted unless you had a DeLorean in your garage.

Mr. T: Someone get Steve and Bruno a few shots of Jameson after that Randy Moss 3 TD game this week...

Bruno: Fuck Karma! She is a dirty whore.

Cousin Bowser: Will someone please explain to me what I have going on for me that's so great as to warrant my team going 2-75 this season and playing 6 weekly winners?

Marble Ryan: You're just living the dream, Bowser.

Mr. T: Here’s a list of reasons why your fantasy karma is terrible:

1. You work for a company that has laid off thousands and you're still there
2. If that goes wrong you have a Jersey City job in your back pocket
3. You report to guys in Singapore and Hong Kong
4. You showed up to work at 12 last week after accidentally sleeping late and basically run your own schedule
5. You finally got to lay Spoons, twice, fulfilling a lifelong dream

Mr. T: After Manning's performance last night, I think the MVP race is really heating up. The Cardinals and the Colts now have the same record at 7-4. Where would the Colts be without Manning? 2-9? His numbers still aren't great, but now that he's healthy, it's all coming around. He's got 9 TDs and 1 INT in his last 4 games. With games against Cleveland, Cincy, Detroit, Jacksonville, and Tennessee remaining, he'll be able to put up good enough numbers to be competitive. The Colts will probably finish at 11-5 or 12-4. His team would be in really rough shape if he weren’t involved. That's why he's the most "valuable."

Torry Hallelujah: I’m starting to agree — I think a lot of guys could put up numbers in the Arizona offense. Anytime Sports Guy comes out and basically says, “There’s no question — Peyton Manning is the NFL MVP,” you have to give it some thought.

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That'll Be $40, Donovan

Alright, I’ll admit it: this hasn’t been the best of seasons. Despite chugging four Muscle Milks and sleeping for 17 hours the night before the draft, my team hasn’t performed up to anyone’s expectations. And that’s fine. After all, I’m not a sports fan — I’m an ath-lete. At least that’s what I tell my bosses at the bank when I show up to work at noon after sleeping in the morning after a big hockey game. Good thing they all work in Singapore.

Look, my team’s not making the playoffs or even finishing above .500. I realize this. But just like any fiscally responsible slickdealer, I’ve been doing everything in my power to stay out of the cellar and avoid having to pay the $40 fee that comes along with finishing in last place. At only a game behind the ninth place team, Full Retard, this was still a possibility.

My team, Lehman Brothers, got off to an explosive start yesterday, with 18 points from Warrick Dunn, 15 from Jason Campbell, and 27 from TO. Things looked on the up and up. That is, until Donovan F. McNabb took the field. For the sake of convenience, allow me to reproduce what McNabb’s Yahoo! player page has to say about his performance:

Nov 23 QB Donovan McNabb was benched at halftime Sunday and replaced by second-year man Kevin Kolb. McNabb has been playing poorly for the better part of a month now, and he completed just eight of 18 passes for 59 yards and threw two interceptions in the first half against the Ravens. In the Eagles' last five games, McNabb has a .526 completion percentage and has thrown six touchdown passes and seven interceptions. He's got seven turnovers (five interceptions, two lost fumbles) in the last two games alone.

Translation? -4 fantasy points. Instead of a sure victory, I’m heading into the Monday night game with only a 2 point lead…and Basketball on Grass still has Lance Moore yet to play.

That’ll be $40, McNabb, you asshole. Payable in cash or 50% off coupons for chunkysoup.com (YMMV).

- Cousin Bowser, Little Marianville, NY

In his rec hockey league season, Cousin Bowser has scored 10 goals on 359 shots with a plus-minus rating of -40. He has yet to record an assist.

Who Else Do People Hate?

- When Brandon Jacobs was surprisingly listed as inactive, I had the decision to make between Derrick Ward and Michael Turner. I figured the Giants were guaranteed to give Ward 20 carries and a TD, while Turner had struggled against Carolina previously. I decided to go with Ward and man is my ass sore this morning. Turner has to have the largest Beta of any back in the league. Fuck You to the Giants coaching staff, Jacobs, and Turner for even putting me in that position. And at least use some lubricant next time...

- Pierce M., New York, NY
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Cox Block: My Response to the Marble Ryan Lock of the Week

Going with Indianapolis +2.5 at San Diego, Marble appears to have removed his head from his ass (at least for this week) and actually made a pick that makes sense. It's actually my favorite line of the week, so it's pretty hard for me to rip him for it. However, given the crazy nature of the NFL at this point, I really don't mind being on the other side of it at all.

So instead of my usual dose of Marble bashing, I’m going to share my thoughts on what's shaping up to be a very interesting MVP race. The argument has been made in the media this week that Peyton Manning should be this year's MVP, which I quite frankly just don't understand. He isn't at or even near the top of any of the major statistical categories and the Colts, while showing signs of life lately, haven't put together a great season up to this point. Manning has a lower QB rating this year than Chad Pennington, Kyle Orton and Matt Cassel, and is pretty comparable with his little brother, whose team is 9-1, stat wise. That's just not what I'm looking for from an MVP. In fact, if his last name wasn't Manning, I don't even think we'd be having this conversation.

As comical as it seems, my money is on Kurt Warner right now. His numbers are phenomenal and the team could realistically go 11-5 or better. I think his campaign ultimately comes down to this weekend. If the Cardinals can take down the Giants at home, which would clear their way for a potential 12-4 season, he's definitely the MVP. If he puts up a 2005 type performance with numerous turnovers and the game turns into a laugher, it's wide open. Since he holds the keys to both of my fantasy teams, let's hope it's not the latter...
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You Know Who You Should Sit?

Brett Favre (QB – NYJ) Mr. T likes his chicken spicy. No, I’m not getting nervous, though I did get caught selling athletic shoes instead of doing research for the column this week. After refocusing, I noticed that the Jets have been on a little run recently. Brett hasn’t been delivering like he used to, but maybe that’s because he can no longer use DHL. The Jets find themselves in another big game this week, and I have a feeling that Favre won’t be quite as careful with the football as he’s been the past few weeks. Thomas Jones won’t find much running room, so the pressure will be on Brett to fire the old pigskin around. That’ll get anyone hot under the collar. If I’m starting Favre this week with other options out there, I’m now starting to get nervous.

You Know Who Else You Should Sit?

Chris Johnson (RB – TEN) Kris Jenkins has solidified the Jets run defense. Johnson will find there’s no cream filling in this Oreo.

Maurice Jones-Drew (RB – JAX) Garrard will be leading the charge this week against a soft Vikings pass defense. MJD might sneak a TD, but don’t expect a high yardage total.

Brandon Marshall (WR – OAK) Na-na-na-na, hey-hey-hey, goodbye...to Marshall this week with Nnamdi Asomugha covering him. Gotta love contract years.

Torry Holt (WR – STL) Close the book on Holt’s season. Cut your losses. It’s over! Believe me. Just do it already!

Jeremy Shockey (TE – NO) Yes, Mr. T is giving up on his favorite NFL player for the season. I expect the Saints to run a lot against a banged up Packers front seven. Well, I say it's about time for Mr. T’s lunch!
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You Know Who You Should Start?

Tyler Thigpen (QB – KC) While some fantasy owners continue to mistakenly doubt the validity of Thigpen's recent production, that isn't the case everywhere. In honor of his excellent fantasy numbers in 3 of the past 4 weeks, residents of Winnsboro, South Carolina, Thigpen's hometown as well as the “Fantasy Football Capital of the Old Confederacy,” have deemed him the “Pride of Winnsboro.” Former Broncos running back and Winnsboro resident Mike Anderson is reportedly furious about this development. “Are you serious?! I run for 251 yards and 4 touchdowns in Week 14 of the 2000 season, and they’re giving my title to this punk? He hasn’t even won a single game as a starter! This is bullshit!” Anderson has formed a Facebook group protesting this decision, which has as its members such luminaries as Miss America 1954 Miriam Stevenson and the descendants of 19th century Congressman D. Wyatt Aiken. Despite these naysayers, expect Thigpen to keep up his excellent production against a Buffalo defense that seems to have gone home for the winter.

You Know Who Else You Should Start?

Warrick Dunn (RB – TB) Dunn has had a surprisingly resurgent season this year, and now with Earnest Graham out for the year and Cadillac Williams slowly making his way back from injury, the starting job is his. Welcoming him to his starting position is the winless Detroit Lions and their pathetic excuse for a rush D. Expect Warrick to run like it's 1999.

Dustin Keller (TE – NYJ) In the past two weeks, Brett Favre seems to have finally found his favorite receiver on his new team — the rookie tight end. This week's matchup against the Titans might seem intimidating, and it should for every other Jets position player. TE is the one spot that consistently gets points against the strong Titans defense. Look for Keller to continue that trend.

Lance Moore (WR – NO) He's scored in 3 straight games, and I think that'll continue this week against the Packers in a game in which Drew Brees should be forced to rely heavily on his slot receiver.

Donald Driver (WR – GB) On the other side of the GB vs. NO tilt, I expect the Packers to be throwing it a lot, as the Saints can’t stop the pass and Aaron Rodgers’ shoulder is allegedly back to 100%. I don't need to tell you to start Greg Jennings, but Donald Driver should get a lot of looks from Rodgers and have an excellent game.
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The Marble Ryan Lock of the Week

It's been a long hiatus for the Marble lock. Luckily, Michael J. Cox has been making his own disastrous picks while I've been gone, which has kept the money flowing in. While I spent three weeks at an undisclosed location rehabbing Tony Romo's pinky, Cox went a very unimpressive 1-1, which under our new system (link—do we have a post that explains the new system?) means that I was the proud owner of a tidy 67% winning percentage in absentia.

Now, I'm back in control and ready to reverse the horrible results I delivered while in the driver's seat. Lucky for you all, the muse has been generous to me this week, and I have several picks for those brave enough to come strong amidst a harrowing economic backdrop. Unfortunately, the rules state that Cox will only bet against one of my picks, so we'll start with the game I feel most comfortable with.

Since the bye, Indianapolis is a very quiet 5-2 and has averaged nearly 25 points per game. With the exception of the Giants and Titans, the Colts are arguably the hottest team in the lig right now. Moreover, it is without argument that Peyton Manning is the lig's hottest player, with 7 TDs and 0 picks over the past three weeks.

On Sunday, the Colts head into San Diego, home to one of the worst pass defenses in the NFL. Manning and Marble both smell blood. The line varies for this one, but my bookman is offering the Colts +2.5, and I'll happily take him up on that. If you can get the same, I suggest you pull the trigger, with the forecast in normally sunny San Diego calling for an overcast of Peyton Manning TD bombs all afternoon.

The Pick: Indianapolis -2.5 @ SAN DIEGO

If you've got some extra scratch, I also like the Pats (Even) to keep up the streak of not losing to the same team twice in Miami and the Redskins (-3) to steamroll the home Seahawks, whose coach has all but admitted he's playing for the #1 pick.

Season record: 4-5 (5-6 with Michael J. Cox's assistance)

Every Friday, Marble Ryan will offer up The Marble Ryan Lock of the Week, an under-the-radar, sure-fire NFL pick backed by his proprietary insight. But be forewarned: we in no way advise you to actually take this pick to your local bookkeeper; in fact, we recommend against it. After all, if you hear a cold metallic tap on your door late at night, we're not going to be there to bail you out. But if you want a peek into the pre-eminent football mind of an entire generation, look no further.
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There's No I in Team

Hey Mr. T,

I have three fantasy football teams. I have Brandon Jacobs on one team, but my opponents this week in my other leagues both have him as well. So what am I supposed to root for this week? As a Giants fan, I want Jacobs to be successful, but at what cost?

- Charles C., New York, NY

Charles, I feel your pain. As the owner of six fantasy football teams (yes, I know you've heard that plenty of times already), I encounter this problem a lot. There were certain players I focused on drafting for all my teams. Tony Romo, Marion Barber, Matt Forte, Kevin Smith, Thomas Jones, and Donald Driver are among the players who appear on multiple franchises of The A-Team. Everyone knows I love Thomas Jones more than Chris Parnell and Andy Samberg love Magnolia cupcakes, but I can't have him on every team. Every week it seems as if some of my players are owned by opponents in other leagues, which creates an odd rooting interest. It must be how Kansas City Chiefs fans feel right now as they cheer the success of Tyler Thigpen, while hoping he doesn't cost them Michael Oher or Andre Smith in next year's draft.

So what do you do? You have to root for Jacobs to be a success. If he's on any of your teams, you want him to be productive. You have to hope your other players can carry the load. It's not like everyone else on the opponent's team are on your team as well. I like to think about it this way: when you draft your team, you're drafting the best players available with possible position requirements. If you've collected the best talent on your squad, they will be successful week to week regardless of who the opponents have. Since there are so many players involved in creating your total, it's highly doubtful that one player will have such an impact on the bottom line. Sure we've seen legendary performances this season like Favre's 6 TD game, Cassel's 400 passing and 60 rushing yards explosion, and Ronnie Brown's 5 TD extravaganza. Honestly, how are you gonna prevent that on a fantasy level? Unless you’re throwing on the pads and going out there every Sunday, there's only so much you can do. However, if you are feeling frisky, I hear the Rams are currently looking for any caliber of defensive player. If you've dominated your co-ed flag football league, I'd give them a call.

While there is an I in championship and victory, there's no I in Fantasy Football. Let Brandon go wild this weekend. It's not a “don't ask, don't tell” kind of situation you and your wife might've agreed upon before your bachelor party in Vegas. We don't want Brandon having as much fun as you did with Cindy at Spearmint Rhino that Friday night. (Don't worry, I promised Ramon that I wouldn't tell a soul). But as long as he keeps it within the realm of 100 yards and a TD, everybody wins. Bet the pass line and keep rolling those hard fours.
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"The Line Up" with The Lieutenant

Every Thursday, we'll be bringing you "The Line Up" with The Lieutenant, the head of law enforcement here at Rex Grossman headquarters. Raised by his hard-drinking father to believe that ridicule and justice go hand in hand, The Lieutenant will give you a weekly rundown of all the assault, drug, and shitting-in-a-laundry-basket charges filed against the players who populate your fantasy teams.

It’s been a pretty rough week at headquarters. Vai Sikahema’s third cousin and his boys got a little out of hand at my birthday party on Monday. I guess that’s what happens when you hand out too many party favors. Thankfully, we’ve had a few days to wind down and I can get back to focusing on the gift that keeps on giving, horse tranquilizers…er, fantasy football.

Out of the closet

- Adam “Pacman” Jones was reinstated by the league on Wednesday. Let me repeat, Adam “Pacman” Jones was reinstated by the league on Wednesday. While my boy Marcus Vick continues to be refused entry by Goodell and his thugs, this numbnut gets more chances than Donovan McNabb did for five quarters against the Cincinnati secondary. Pacman asks to be called his birth name of Adam instead of his more commonly used name “Pacman.” I’ve decided to completely ignore his request. This dude is a fucking felon. He will forever be referred to as Pacman. You know it’s only a few months until one of his boys is unloading his handgun on Tiara over at King’s Cabaret on Market Center Boulevard. What will get some respect from me these days is the Cowboys offense. Now that Tony Romo’s feminine Jessica Simpson tinged fingers are back slinging the pigskin, we finally have fantasy viability in Big D. The Cowboys have a really nice schedule over the next two weeks with San Francisco and Seattle. Start all your Cowboys (Tony Romo, Marian Barber, Terrell Owens, Jason Witten, and even Roy Williams) over the next two weeks. After that, you’re on your own. Games against Pittsburgh, the Giants, and Baltimore should have fantasy owners running for the border.

While we’re on the topic of Tony Romo, ESPN reported that the Dallas Quarterback treated a homeless man to a movie-if this is not some Tom Cruise and John Travolta back alley shit, I don’t know what is:

“The man, who goes by Doc, was outside a theater in in Dallas when a man came up and offered to pay his way to see a movie. Planning on passing out fliers for a consignment store across the street, Doc declined. But then he realized that he had just turned down Romo.

He ran across the street, asked for the day off and ran back to the theater. Romo and Doc ended up sitting together watching the movie "Role Model." Doc told the newspaper that he informed Romo that he hadn't showered in days.

"Don't worry about that," Romo said, according to the newspaper. "I'm used to locker rooms."

I bet you are Tony and while you’re at it, why don’t you run for the Idaho senate seat.

Chris Henry Watch

Unlike Donovan Mcnabb, Mr. Henry actually knew there were ties in the regular season. And what did he do about it? Chris showed up with a big Sunday afternoon showing against the powerful Eagles by providing only one catch for eight yards while spreading the gospel that the game would go til we had a winner. Henry remains completely worthless as a fantasy presence.

I Got Effed Auto-drafting on Yahoo!

My team broke out this week with their first win of the year. Motherfuckers were playing like they were out on bail.

Week 11 Totals:

QB: Colt Brennan (0 pts) – Yes we can, motherfucker.

RB: Pierre Thomas (19 pts) – The P-Train was rumbling this weekend. Oui oui, motherfucker.

RB: Olaniyi Sobomehin (0 pts) – Barack is taking down Guantanamo, motherfucker.

WR: Chaz Schilens (0 pts) – This dude needs to schill out and get me some points, motherfucker.

WR: Jabar Gaffney (16 pts) – Matt Cassel, motherfucker

RB/WR: Joshua Cribbs (6 pts) – Dean Winters’ house in this week’s episode, motherfucker.

TE: Ben Hartsock (0 pts) – This guy clearly has no hart, motherfucker.

D: St. Louis (2 pts) – Bring back Mike Martz, motherfucker.

K: Jeff Reed (10 pts) – Skippy, motherfucker.

This Day in Fantasy Football: November 20, 1929

The Chicago Cardinals lost to the Green Bay Packers 12-0 and Stan Flumingus of Topeka, KS lost his last remaining $20 after losing all of his money in the great depression.
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Week 12 Podcast: "I was convinced I was the only one who understood the value of Mookie Blaylock."

Marble Ryan returns to join Torry Hallelujah in discussing the RGIOQB league, Warrick Dunn as a starting RB, and Marble's first ever fantasy trade.

Donwload the Podcast



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The Name Game

In honor of the segment on ESPN’s Fantasy Football Focus podcast, we took this Tuesday afternoon to have a little fun of our own. The Name Game forces you to make a decision on which player you’d rather own from now until the rest of the season. Standard scoring is assumed for all comparisons. Unfortunately we don’t have a fancy drop, so let’s go straight to our experts’ opinions.

Tyler Thigpen (QB – KC) or Eli Manning (QB – NYG)

Marble Ryan: I’ll go with Thigpen. It’s crazy I know, but Eli still hasn't proven he can be a fantasy stud when it gets chilly. Thigpen has Oak, Den, and SD coming up on the schedule.

Black Irish: I agree with Thigpen for the same reasoning as Marble. Since their bye week, he's thrown 8 touchdowns and 1 interception. That’s not too shabby if you ask me.

The Slow Eater: Thigpen continues to be good and the Giants run the ball too damn well for Eli to put up big points in most weeks. Thigpen, however, is going to throw the ball 40 times a game, so he’s the one I’d choose.

Steve Stevens: I don't believe in Tyler Thigpen.


Brandon Jacobs (RB – NYG) or Matt Forte (RB – CHI)

Marble Ryan: I’ll take Jacobs here. Take a look at his numbers from the last few games in 2007. Late in the season, Coughlin loves to inflict a little pain with the big guy. If you're in the finals hunt, check his #s from Week 16 last year...

Black Irish: It’s Jacobs hands down. Forte has seen the end zone just twice since Week 7, and only one of those was a rushing touchdown

The Slow Eater: As much as it pains me, I guess I have to go with Jacobs because of his TD totals. I do think it's closer than people think, though. Forte puts up solid point totals even in weeks which he doesn't score because of his receiving skills. Jacobs’ value, however, is solely based on whether he finds the end zone or not. But he's been finding the end zone enough lately, so that doesn't matter.

Steve Stevens: What about the issue of Brandon Jacobs possibly not playing this week? For missing one week alone, I've gotta go with Forte.


Hines Ward (WR – PIT) or Lee Evans (WR – BUF)

Marble Ryan: Hines Ward is the answer. The winds are picking up in Buffalo, and Trent Edwards looks like he wants to go back to Cali. Hines will play till he's 40.

Black Irish: It’s Ward simply because Lee can go from a solid game to being completely invisible. At least Ward will give you fairly consistent yardage.

The Slow Eater: I’d lean to Evans. This one is pretty much a tossup so I'd go with the more talented receiver. Before his past 2 games of over 100 yards, Ward had 2 straight games with yards totals in the 30s. Either one can disappear for a game, but I think Evans has more upside.

Steve Stevens: The Steelers are going to be fighting for the division, and the Bills are falling apart. The weather is shit in both cities, but at least the Steelers have shown they can successfully function in bad weather. Plus Trent Edwards is starting to look like Shaun King.
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Next Year

Next year: two words that any fantasy owner hates to hear. With either two or three weeks left in the fantasy regular season, there are plenty of owners out there preparing to face this sad reality. Even the great Mr. T has the unenviable task of looking ahead to next season. After winning three of my six leagues last year, it seems as if three of my six teams this year won't even make the playoffs. Even worse, the three leagues in which I’ll be going home early are the ones with the most money at stake. Hey, shit happens. The Giants beat the undefeated Patriots in the Super Bowl, Li’l Bow Wow showed brain on last week’s Entourage, and Cousin Bowser once bought 8 sneakers out of a bargain bin before realizing they were all made for the left foot.

The financial structure of the RGIOQB league prevents tanking. After watching numerous owners with teams at the bottom of the league begin to ignore their rosters late into the season, we decided to offer “weekly winner” payouts to motivate owners to keep on top of their teams even if they weren’t likely to make the playoffs. We also added a penalty for finishing in last place to further convince owners that the cellar is the last place they want to be. As you’ve seen (insert link), things can get heated when owners with teams in the middle of the pack unwittingly interfere with the teams in contention for that last place spot. Add in the trash talk that’s a hallmark of the RGIOQB league, and tanking becomes an impossibility.

Keeper leagues are obviously a completely different story. While none of my six leagues are keeper leagues, I like the idea of them because they keep everyone in the game for the whole season. If you’re in a keeper league, keep your ear to the ground.

For the rest of you out there, take some pride in yourself. Hopefully you too are in leagues with friends as opposed to randoms you met in the mock draft lobby on ESPN.com. It definitely helps keep you competitive in the final weeks of the season, when the best part of your Sundays are the commercial breaks that don’t contain the “Saved by Zero” commercials. You can still prevent your annoyingly confident friend from making the playoffs. Only a plate full of Lafleur hot dogs from the Bell Centre in Montreal would taste better. Although with the Canadian dollar taking a nose dive, maybe it’s time for you to call your travel agent.
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Scout's Take: In which we discuss fantasy karma, the lowest scoring team in the RGIOQB league, and Tim Hightower's decline

Each week, our scouts gather to share their observations on the most noteworthy Sunday performances. Unfortunately, after Goldman Sachs cut our bonuses, we had to fire them all. In their place are Black Irish, Lafayette Gold, Marble Ryan, Michael J. Cox, Mr. T, Steve Stevens, and Torry Hallelujah, who let us know what they took away from the Week 11 action.

Mr. T: Eddie Royal had 34 receiving yards. That's the kind of consistency I'm looking for. Randy Moss had 26 yards and a TD. Tony Romo had 150 yards, 1 TD, and 2 INTs. Sammy Morris looked really great in warm-ups. Larry Fitzgerald had 10 catches for 151 yards. He's terrible. Thankfully for Marble, McGahee is entrenched in the East Coast version of the Denver Running Back Situation.

Steve Stevens: Also note that Julius Jones had -1 points. Bruno completely ripped me off in this trade, and I'd like to file a grievance.

Mr. T: You should've listened to Mr. T. I told you Jamal Lewis was worth it in the trade. So far the two RBs who have taken the most heat in this league are Lewis and Thomas Jones. Who leads the AFC in rushing yards? Thomas Jones. Who had 17 points again this week? Thomas Jones. Jamal has had 14 points in 3 of his last 5 games and another one with 90 yards. Maybe if he sneaks out a win tonight for Michael J. Cox, the people will realize they were wrong.

Marble Ryan: Fitz tore up Seattle, so I’m not all that surprised. Royal is averaging 13 PPG since I acquired him, that slightly better than my previous WR3, Ike Bruce. How'd he do? Moss for some reason was taking plays off on Thursday, but he showed his ability on that last catch. I'm fine letting him play his game and put up points when he feels like. As for Romo, it's his first game back, and he looked a lot better in the second half. I'm not worried about him. Think of the trade in terms of the guys I sold. I didn't want Mcgahee, Schaub, and Fitz on my team. Maybe it was rash to not want Fitz anymore, but there was a reason I didn't want the other two, and I got some good players for them, so I'm satisfied.

Mr. T: I still say you completely lucked out with Schaub. That's the karma talking with his injury. You still acquired a bunch of chicken shit and Ray Farmer just walked through that door.

Marble Ryan: Maybe I got lucky, but he was due to come back to earth. I'll continue to say this for the rest of the year: I could've traded Manning instead, since Schaub was playing much better at the time, but I would never have agreed to swap the two in the trade because Schaub was the guy to sell for me the whole time.

Mr. T: I’d also like to point out that Lafayette’s team snuck out another win.

Lafayette Gold: Dude, I won by 23 and was up 30 all afternoon so that is hardly "sneaking out a win." I knew I was playing Black Irish, so I took some risky chances... This was Moss and Hassllebeck’s first game back and next week I hope to get Reggie back. Also Moore has been a big pickup and step up from dead ass Holmes.

Mr. T: You scored 87 points. You played the team in the league with the least talent. And Moss didn't miss any games. Depending on What Lee Evans does tonight; you only scored more points than 2 or 3 teams this week. Your team is fucking terrible. Someone back me up here! I know everyone feels the same way.

Black Irish: I hope this is a joke: " I knew I was playing Black Irish, so I took some risky chances..." Uh, I've got a grand total of 2 wins (and 2 ties, but let's not go down that road).

Mr. T: Yeah I'd love to hear what kind of risks you took. I'm sure that Rhodes vs. Faulk decision took hours

Michael J. Cox: Yeah I mean the #s don't lie. Lowest total points in the league... That's pretty hard to defend...

Marble Ryan: Black Irish, it wasn't a joke. It meant your team is so bad that he could afford to put in some high upside guys to try to make a dent in the total points category, because he knew he didn't have to worry about the W. I did the same thing against Lehman Brothers this week when I started Jerious Norwood, figured even if he got 3 I'd be able to win, and if he got 20 I could pass someone in scoring..

Lafayette Gold: EXACTLY Marble! I knew this was an easy win so I took some chances and played my big guys who were still banged up so I could make up some ground on the overall points since I am in last place and I am reminded of it on a weekly friggn' basis... Also Mr. T, Washington was a better option than Rhodes or Faulk, since Reggie was scratched on Friday...

Mr. T: Yeah but who are Lafayette’s high upside, high risk guys? And Marble, I still can't believe you left Norwood on the bench for Kevin Smith. You're basically going against everything you said when you made the trade for Smith in the first place.

Marble Ryan: Yeah it was stupid, but I thought Norwood was good for a 60-yard td run against Denver. Oh well. No more moves like that for me... I'll be playing to win the game.

Mr. T: Marble, It's the price you pay for wanting explosivity. And Lafayette please! If you really wanted to play risky, you would've started Leon. But you learned after the previous week that Leon is not someone you start in fantasy leagues because he's not guaranteed anything. Maybe you start him during bye weeks when half your team is injured. But you're not even living up to your risk statement because you didn't play him.

Lafayette Gold: My risks were starting a probable Moss and Hasselbeck (Collins was a safer, better pick), but I knew the AZ secondary sucked and they both easily could have been out. Also I had Reggie in until Friday so I would say starting three players who were questionable or probable is risky. I was going for some explosivity punk since the win was a formality.

Mr. T: Does anyone else see explosivity in those decisions? Starting probable players isn't exactly risky.

The Slow Eater: Was the win really "a formality" against Black Irish? I mean, I know he's only won two games, but he averages more points than you do. With the lowest point total in the league I'm not sure you can say a win against anybody is a formality.

Mr. T: Haha! ZING! You have less points per game than Black Irish. That's kind of bad. I will say that if you take Matt's weekly winner out of there, his PPG is probably a lot less.

The Slow Eater: I'm going to speak in defense of Basketball on Grass... It's true that Lafayette’s team has scored the fewest points in the league and yet somehow remains in the playoff picture. This might make it tempting to say that his team has "gotten lucky" or been "a fluke" or is maybe even "a disgrace to all that is good and pure in this wonderful fantasy sport of ours." But I say that it is unfair. Not only is it unfair, but it is also inaccurate, because it overlooks the one quality that this team has shown time and time again this season. This is that it "knows how to win." This is a group of blue-collar guys whose contributions might not show up in the box score, but they do in the win-loss record. It is, in a word, inspirational. That or they've just gotten really fucking lucky.

Mr. T: That's the longest comment I've ever seen about such a marginal team. You just want them in the playoffs so you can smoke them in Round 1. You'd rather see him than Torry any day.

Torry Hallelujah: I think tonight is going to be a turning point for the KL Crew — my battle of Saratoga. If I pull this out I’m 6-4-1 with a game next week against the Z Team; if I lose I’m 5-5-1 and probably out of the playoffs. Like everything else in life, it all comes down to the Human Anvil.

Mr. T: Anchors away!

Torry Hallelujah: The new RBS to watch is in Arizona — J.J. Arrington was looking frisky yesterday. Anyone who made any trades based on the idea that Hightower could now be counted on as an RB1/2 is going to be sorely disappointed.

Mr. T: Hightower definitely tried to push too many runs to the outside yesterday. For a guy who is supposed to be strong in short yardage, he should try running between the tackles. He doesn't have the speed to get to the outside all the time. Arrington did a lot of his best work running right up the gut. It's kind of odd that Hightower hasn't scored TDs the last two weeks given how successful he was before getting the start job. Maybe he's not conditioned for it.
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It’s Never Sunny in Philadelphia for You, Brian Westbrook

It’s a Monday in late August, draft night in the RGIOQB fantasy league. I walk into the bar and join the other competitors not with a sense of excitement but one of resignation. I have the fourth overall pick. I’m getting stuck with Joseph Addai.

See, I drafted Addai in the first round last year (at #6). I know what his deal is: good player, great potential, can’t stay healthy, plays on a team that likes to coddle him and not give him too many touches. He was just good enough last season that I couldn’t pass him up at #4 without feeling bad about it. Still, I wasn’t looking forward to another season of DNPs and Kenton Keith TDs.

But something miraculous happened: Lafayette Gold, a Colts homer, drafted Addai at #3. Unbelievable! I announced my selection of Brian Westbrook with such quickness and enthusiasm that, if I were in charge of a real NFL draft, I would’ve tripped on my run up to the podium, causing Roger Goodell to fall backwards like the bride in that wedding disaster clip.

My relationship with Brian Westbrook got off to a great start: the shift Philadelphia RB racked up a whopping 48 fantasy points over the first two weeks to the season. I’d stolen the best player in the league at #4 and my team was in first place because of it. I couldn’t help but think of that scene in Damages where Arthur Frobisher ominously says to Katie Connor, “Our fates are intertwined.”

Those turned out to be prophetic words, but not for the better. With the exception of his Week 8 game against Atlanta (209 total yards, 2 TDs), Westbrook’s numbers have been what sportscasters, who hold no medical degrees, might refer to as “anemic.”

Let’s take a look at his stats over the past 9 weeks:

Week 3: 12 yards (injured in game)
Week 4: DNP
Week 5: 84 total yards, 1 TD
Week 6: DNP
Week 7: Bye
Week 8: 209 yards, 2 TDs
Week 9: 96 yards, 0 TDs
Week 10: 59 yards, 0 TDs
Week 11: 71 yards, 0 TDs

Taking out the bye (but counting the DNPs), Westbrook has been averaging roughly 8 fantasy points a game over his past 8 games. Take out the Week 8 outlier and Westbrook’s average over that stretch falls under 4 fucking fantasy points per game, people. I didn’t realize I was spending the #4 pick on Jerious Norwood.

What a disgrace. On the bright side, our trading deadline hasn’t expired yet. Maybe it’s still not too late to swing that deal for Joseph Addai. Or, at this rate, Kenton Keith. God I’m screwed.

Who Else Do People Hate?

It's a good thing Arizona gave Hightower the job. I'd been waiting all year for that with him stashed on my bench and when he tookover I thought I was ready to rumble. I even traded away Ryan Grant in a deal for Steve Smith to free up a spot starting lineup. Then ol' Tim runs like a little bitch against the Seahawks. It's the fucking Seahawks! What is wrong with you Tim? You don't even score touchdowns anymore. Step your shit up please...

- Josh L., Indianapolis, IN.
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You Know Who You Should Sit?

Tony Romo (QB – DAL) I know you're thrilled to have Romo back, as are his teammates, but my sources in the Cowboys locker room tell me a different story. The joy felt by his receivers over finally not having Brad Johnson throw them the ball has quickly turned to concern over their rusty star quarterback's lack of arm strength, which some have called "Johnson-esque". Said a certain star wide receiver, who asked that his name be withheld and instead be referred to as "Berrell Mowens", "Are you fucking kidding me!? I thought we were getting our QB back. What's this weak-armed shit? Terrell Owens needs a man to throw him the rock! Shit, wait, not Terrell Owens. What was that name I asked you to call me? Fuck. You can cut this part out, right?" When asked for a response, Tony Romo said, "seriously? Berrell Mowens? That's the best that idiot came up with?" He then shook his head and walked off. Expect Romo to struggle against a solid Washington defense as he works himself back into game shape.

You Know Who Else You Should Sit?

Kevin Smith (RB – DET) Smith's mediocre rushing yards totals the past few games have been bailed out by him consistently finding his way into the end zone. However, that's unlikely against a strong Carolina D playing at home, where they rarely give up a rushing TD. This adds up to a poor week for Kevin Smith.

Brandon Jacobs (RB – NYG) As good as he is, he's a running back in a timeshare going against the Ravens defense. Expect a disappointing week.

Maurice Jones Drew & Fred Taylor (RBs – JAX) The two-headed Jags RB tandem has been padding their overall stats lately taking advantage of some weak rush defenses. That won't be the case this week against Tennessee. Expect the Titans to fully overpower the Jaguars poor excuse for an offensive line as they successfully shut down their running backs. Look elsewhere for your RB or Flex production.

Steve Slaton (RB – HOU) Here’s another running back to avoid. It might be tempting to play him going up against the Colts weak rush defense, but his coach is referring to him as "worn down" and he has two other RBs taking his carries and allowing him to rest. He is not at all someone you can count on at this point in the season.

Joe Flacco (QB – BAL) He's been a great waiver wire pickup over the past few weeks, but his is still a rookie QB going up against the defending champs on the road. With any new quarterback there are going to be some bumps in the road, and this week is going to be one of them.
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You Know Who You Should Start?

Tyler Thigpen & Mark Bradley (QB, WR – KC) I’ve previously thrown out a few dynamic duos in this section. This week I’m telling you to start both Thigpen and Bradley and yes, I’m a little surprised at myself. I was at my ten year high school reunion last week when I saw Sarah Swanson for the first time since we graduated. My reaction was a state of shock and awe as I watched this blonde bombshell turn heads. Sarah was hideous in high school. You couldn’t convince yourself to take her freebie offers for romps in the computer lounge because you wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. Nobody would know, but accepting the offer would make you consider a Homeboys in Outer Space marathon as a positive moment in your life. But at that reunion, you would’ve done a solo of LFO’s Summer Girls just to have five minutes with her. Somehow Tyler Thigpen has emerged in the same way. His production over the past few weeks elicits comparisons to Derek Anderson from last season. Bradley’s been targeted as much as Gonzalez and Bowe over that time. Thanksgiving comes early for the Chiefs offense this week with the Saints defense on the menu. I’m just looking for five minutes.

You Know Who Else You Should Start?

Jake Delhomme (WR – CAR) Last week’s game was rock bottom for Delhomme. And if you smell what I’m cooking, he’s in for a big game against the Lions this week.

Tim Hightower (RB – AZ) Timmy was surprisingly stifled last week, but he’s got the perfect opponent to bounce back. The Power of Tower will find the end zone again this week.

Plaxico Burress (WR – NYG) Where o’ where can Plaxico be? It appears he’s still taking his kids to school as he hasn’t shown up on the stat sheet much recently. The Giants will need to throw to beat the Ravens, so it’s finally time for Plax to put the Kleenex down and get busy.

Kevin Curtis (WR – PHI) The Eagles have a nice way of dominating bad teams regardless of location. Curtis has produced reasonable point totals over the last two games. He should be fully recovered from his injury and is due to breakout.

Tony Scheffler (TE – DEN) Pretty boy...Tony...hey hey...hunky...Tony...hey hey... Now that I’m done fixing my collar, I can remind you that Denver can’t run the ball and will be throwing a lot against the Falcons this week. And if you don’t like that dude, you better step off.
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The Michael J. Cox Lock of the Week

He's back, folks! This week, Marble Ryan has triumphantly returned to the lock-of-the-week stage in spectacular form, picking Dallas -1.5 (on the road!) over a team that they couldn't beat at home back in Week 4. That's right, Week 4, back when Tony Romo didn't have a broken finger on his throwing hand and their D wasn't banged up, suspended, just plain bad, etc.

This line opened at Cowboys +2 and moved a whopping 3.5 points over the course of the week, presumably on the news that Clinton Portis would not be playing. In my opinion, that sort of shift should be reserved for a QB going down, not a running back with a competent replacement. Plus, in light of his recent statements, can't you picture NBC zooming in on Jerry Jones on the sideline while Madden says something like, "Well you know Al, Jerry Jones guaranteed this week that the Cowboys would make the playoffs, but it sure is awful hard to make the playoffs when you don't win games..."? I sure can.

As for Marble, it's painfully obvious that he's chugging as much Tony Homo Kool-Aid as he can get his hands on in the wake of the comically terrible fantasy trade he made for him two weeks ago. But who am I to refuse his money? You're a charitable man, Marble Ryan, and I thank you for it.

Here are a few other plays I like, just in case you're not as charitable toward your bookie as Marble is to me.

- COLTS -8 over Texans
- BUCS -4 over Vikings
- Cardinals -3 over SEAHAWKS
- Eagles/Bengals to go over 41.5 points
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"The Line Up" with The Lieutenant

In anticipation of tonight’s Patriots-Jets affair, I’m headed up to Foxboro to provide extra police detail. Those fucking Massholes can’t keep their shit together. Once they feel the wrath of my right cross, they’ll have a new meaning for the words wicked hard.

Drunken disorderly conduct

- It was another light week in terms of NFL misdemeanors. If this keeps up, I might have to join the Mounties. Once again, however, the fans stepped up. At last week’s Vikings game, my cousin Rico had to put a Vikings fan on the deck when he mouthed off after flipping the bird to a bunch of Packers fans. I thought only the trash in Philly was that ignorant. This was after Rico kept a drunk 25-year old out of the stadium following his vomit job all over his Adrian Peterson jersey. You can’t disgrace such a fine jersey like that. Peterson has a somewhat difficult affair against Tampa this week, but his game against Jacksonville next week is troublesome in name only. Watching him take on Detroit, Arizona, and Atlanta during fantasy playoff times will have you throwing em back like that Vikes fan. Just don’t puke on me after the game or you’ll discover what it’s like to have a size 15 imprinted on your left ass cheek.

Slow your role

- Back in March, Albert Haynesworth was caught doing 103 in a 70 zone. Since reading comprehension is not a part of the Wonderlic test, Albert must’ve missed the sign as he breezed through in his Escalade. On December 9th, he’ll have his case reviewed. The judge will use index cards to illustrate that 103 - 70 = 33 miles faster that your fat ass should be driving. Haynesworth alibi is that he dropped a Twinkie in his lap and lost track of his speed. While I’m not sure if Twinkie charges more than 100 an hour, I am sure that the Titans have stayed out of the law’s way since Adam Jones left town. This has led to attention being paid to productive players like Chris Johnson, LenDale White, and Bo Scaife. Scaife is on pace for 74 catches and a fat new contract at season’s end. Considering the lack of skill at the TE position these days, you could do a lot worth than Scaife down the stretch. He’s got plenty of friendly match-ups before Pittsburgh in Week 16.

Chris Henry Watch

During his bye week Henry tried to suck up to new quarterback Ryan Fitzgerald my introducing him to his dealer, Blonde Bomber Battaglia. If Henry sees enough balls this week to make Rupert Everett happy, you’ll know Battaglia provided his best prime slice.

I Got Effed Auto-drafting on Yahoo!

Without a chance of making the playoffs, the best I can hope for is to play spoiler. Three-fingered Mike didn’t know what hit him last week. But that was only after his team destroyed me and I laid him out with my sjambok.

Week 10 Totals:

QB: Colt Brennan (0 pts) – Ah fuck. I really need to stay off the Torry Hallelujah bye week plan.

RB: Pierre Thomas (2 pts) – That’s right Pierre. You fucking show ‘em.

RB: Olaniyi Sobomehin (0 pts) – His brother Benjanyi was picked up this week, but he wasn’t the 21st bomber either.

WR: Chaz Schilens (0 pts) – Al Davis threatened to send him to Vietnam.

WR: Jabar Gaffney (4 pts) – It’s amazing what a handful of ejaculate can do for a man.

RB/WR: Joshua Cribbs (4 pts) – Soon Russell Simmons will want to check his shit out.

TE: Ben Hartsock (0 pts) – I’m still trying to shave down my Hartsock.

D: St. Louis (0 pts) – Ain’t got nothing on my J-E-T-S.

K: Jeff Reed (9 pts) – Skippy kept his wang nice and straight this week.

This Day in Fantasy Football: November 13, 1908

Stuck in Altoona, PA for the weekend, Walter Hendrickson found himself unable to make any changes to his roster. When he returned home, he discovered his neighbor Henry inches deep in his wife. Afraid for his life, Henry screamed out that he had adjusted Walter’s fantasy lineup because he was away, which led to a playoff clinching victory. Walter allowed Henry to continue to plow his wife until climax before taking out his shotgun and ending his life.

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Week 11 Podcast: "I just got back from Aurora"

Mr. T once again joins Torry Hallelujah to discuss Tatum Bell's last job, the emergence of Tyler Thigpen, and Torry's love of Matt Cassel.

Donwload the Podcast



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Wednesday Afternoon Quarterback: Ten Things Peter King Thinks He Thinks

1. Kerry Collins is one tough nut to crack. I was texting with Collins after the Titans-Bears game last week, and he said, “This is ridiculous, Peter. I’m standing five feet away from you.” C U l8r, Kerry.

2. That Adam Jones is no Sammy Baugh.

3. That Bucs offense really needs to learn how to move the ball down the field. The Fighting Grudenmen just aren’t playing inspired football right now.

4. I’m not one for fantasy football, but my editors tell me I have to throw in one tip every week. If he’s available, pick up Donovan McNabb. Thank me when you win your league.

5. Coffeenerdness. What are you thinking with the cinnamon in that pumpkin soy latte, Starbucks? By the way, what’s up with the fancy names for the different sizes? Why can’t you just call them small, medium and large? Also: I ordered five shots of espresso, not four!

6. Caught the best show in the history of television, The Office, last week. You are really something, Mr. Steve Carrell! And Dwight, you too are funny!

7. Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week. Flew Continental Airlines from Newark to Pittsburgh last week for the Steelers-Colts game. I say this to the woman in seat 5A: how many pages can one person read on a 1-hour flight? Seriously, people, get it together.

8. Best of luck, Spike. You will be missed.

9. Field hockey update: Mary Beth King scored 13 unassisted goals in a game against Division VII Northwest Rhode Island Polytechnic University. Afterwards, she was punched in the face by the opposing goalie for running up the score. Lighten up, kids!

10. How about those Boston Red Sox!
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