Thursday Afternoon Quarterback: 10 Things Peter King Thinks He Thinks

1. Held a webinar attended by Steelers linebacker James Harrison last week. It went pretty well, I’d say, minus all the shouting. I’m sorry for what I said about your wife, James — that was out of line.

2. Not sure you fantasy footballers have caught onto this yet, but LaDainian Tomlinson hasn’t quite been himself this year. Trade him for the tandem of Clinton Portis and Chris Johnson if you still can.

3. Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me. Brett Favre’s inseam is 34 inches. What a gunslinger!

4. Caught an episode of the best show on TV last week: Ugly Betty. Move over, Sophia Loren — America Ferrara has arrived!

5. Coffeenerdness. For the past few days, I’ve given up coffee in favor of the packets of green tea that Phil Simms gave me after he came back from his off-season trip to Borneo. Then I passed out on the floor of the Seahawks locker room, only to be lifted to my feet by Floyd “Pork Chop” Womack. I owe you one, Pork Chop. Don’t worry, folks: I’ll be getting back in the espresso routine next week.

6. Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week. To save the company a few bucks, I offered to shack up in the Las Cruces, New Mexico bus station last week. Only problem, I couldn’t fall asleep because the bum sleeping on the bench next to me was snoring so loud. I managed to rouse him, but he just wet himself and went back to bed. Good news, though: after downing several bottles of Robitussin, I was able to catch 20 or 30 winks.

7. Not sure if you knew this, but Jerome Bettis is from Detroit.

8. Field Hockey Update of the Week. Mary Beth King took the field at Franklin Regional High School in Bethesda, Maryland last week, scoring 4 goals and adding 3 assists. Unfortunately, though, she graduated from high school 9 years ago and was detained by the school security team for disorderly conduct. You can’t blame a kid for wanting to compete, America.

9. Feel better, Maury. Your country needs you.

10. Who I Like Tonight, and I Mean Cris Collinsworth. Chargers 31, Raiders 17. Look for Philip Rivers to hit Lance Allworth in stride all night long.
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Wednesday Afternoon Quarterback: Ten Things Peter King Thinks He Thinks

1. I drove out to the Jets practice facility last week to toss the ball around a little with Brett Favre. He’d showered and changed already, and was wearing a weathered pair of Wranglers and a t-shirt that hugged his rugged, masculine frame. The staff had shut off a few of the lights, but still his stubble glinted in the glow of … Sorry, I need to remember I'm a married man.

2. Spoke with Darren McFadden over Skype last week. He said, “Hello? Yo Pete, are you there? What’s going on here, man? All I hear is static. Aw man, fuck this shit, I’m outta here.” Catch up with you soon, D-Mac!

3. You know I’m not the biggest fantasy nut, but I have to tell you, pick up Adrian Peterson. Now. This kid’s going to be a star!

4. Wow, what an episode of House last week! It never fails to amaze me how every week, they can come up with a medical emergency that’s so compelling – and then resolve it all in the same episode! Also, I can’t wait to finally see this “24” show that everyone is talking about. The last I saw Kiefer Sutherland, he was starring in Stand By Me.

5. Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week: I found myself in Lambert-St. Louis International Airport on the 16th connecting flight of a 20-leg trip. At first, they directed me to Gate 25. Then, they changed it to Gate 24 – which, you would think, would be right next to Gate 25 and not, as it turned out, on the other side of the airport. Then they changed it back to Gate 11, which was right next to Gate 25! What kind of crazy world do we live in! It’s almost enough to make me wish I didn’t travel 356 days a year.

6. Looks like I got the numbers on that Kawika Mitchell contract wrong. If he plays in 17.5% of all third down snaps this season, he will receive a bonus of $145,000, not $135,000, as I stated in last week’s column. Additionally, he plays for the Buffalo Bills, not the Cincinnati Bengals. Sorry about that!

7. Coffeenerdness: At a Starbucks on I-70 in Ohio last week, I stood in line behind a portly woman with blonde, bushy hair. When she approached the counter, she ordered a double whip latte with skim milk. When she tasted her coffee, she handed it back to the barista, saying, “This doesn’t taste like skim milk to me!” Come on, people! What’s the point of ordered a latte with skim milk if you’re going to get double whip cream with it? I think everyone in this country has gone mad sometimes.

8. Who’s excited for Thanksgiving? Maybe I’ll get to see my wife this year. Sometimes, I forget what she looks like.

9. It’s been an honor and a pleasure, Calvin Hanabury. I wish you the best in all your projects, personal and professional.

10. I am lonely. So lonely.
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Wednesday Afternoon Quarterback: Ten Things Peter King Thinks He Thinks

1. Kerry Collins is one tough nut to crack. I was texting with Collins after the Titans-Bears game last week, and he said, “This is ridiculous, Peter. I’m standing five feet away from you.” C U l8r, Kerry.

2. That Adam Jones is no Sammy Baugh.

3. That Bucs offense really needs to learn how to move the ball down the field. The Fighting Grudenmen just aren’t playing inspired football right now.

4. I’m not one for fantasy football, but my editors tell me I have to throw in one tip every week. If he’s available, pick up Donovan McNabb. Thank me when you win your league.

5. Coffeenerdness. What are you thinking with the cinnamon in that pumpkin soy latte, Starbucks? By the way, what’s up with the fancy names for the different sizes? Why can’t you just call them small, medium and large? Also: I ordered five shots of espresso, not four!

6. Caught the best show in the history of television, The Office, last week. You are really something, Mr. Steve Carrell! And Dwight, you too are funny!

7. Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week. Flew Continental Airlines from Newark to Pittsburgh last week for the Steelers-Colts game. I say this to the woman in seat 5A: how many pages can one person read on a 1-hour flight? Seriously, people, get it together.

8. Best of luck, Spike. You will be missed.

9. Field hockey update: Mary Beth King scored 13 unassisted goals in a game against Division VII Northwest Rhode Island Polytechnic University. Afterwards, she was punched in the face by the opposing goalie for running up the score. Lighten up, kids!

10. How about those Boston Red Sox!
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