What’s in a Guarantee?

You can get a good look at a fantasy championship by sticking your head up Adrian Peterson’s ass, but wouldn’t you rather take Mr. T’s word for it? Nothing in fantasy football is ever guaranteed. The Slow Eater led our RGIOQB.com league for most of the year, but that didn’t mean anything in last weekend’s finale, in which he lost to podcast superstar Marble Ryan. In previous seasons, we’ve seen teams lose because their top performers were benched in Week 16 due to their team having locked up their position in the NFL playoffs, but that wasn’t a factor this year. No, we had real disappointments from fantasy studs, and a few also-rans rose to the occasion. Let’s take some time to reflect on Week 16’s madness.

Adrian Peterson is already being anointed as next year’s #1 selection. You even volunteered yourself to the Vikings medical staff for halftime massage duty in order to keep him healthy for a full season. Yet none of that mattered against the a pedestrian Falcons defense this past weekend, as Peterson’s 92 combined yards and a fumble have left you wanting more. You can’t even take him into the champagne room and slip him a c-note to finish the job.

Kurt Warner helped engineer your surge to the top of the standings. The vaunted Cardinals passing attack had been humming along all year and you were reaping the benefits. The faceoff against the leaky Patriots secondary had you envisioning bragging rights, a Jostens fantasy football ring, and enough cash to take your girlfriend out to a restaurant other than Applebees. It looks like you’ll still be joining Harris Smith for dinner after Warner’s pitiful one point performance in the poor New England weather. Fantasy’s #1 QB for most of the season came up a tad short when it mattered. Dirk Diggler he ain’t…

The reliable Thomas Jones couldn’t post a double digit mark. The New Orleans secondary held down Megatron Johnson. The Raiders kept Steve Slaton out of the end zone and prevented Andre Johnson from living up to the accolades thrown at him by Marble Ryan after Marble saw him in his skivvies at the NFL combine. We’re talking about elite talent that crapped the bed when you needed them most. You won’t be able to throw some fresh Huggies and get back out there for another go. You’re a big kid now…with no trophy to play with.

Instead we salute the real heroes. Here’s to Visante “Junkyard Dog” Shiancoe for being the surprise #1 TE this week. Not only does he show us his dong on live TV, but apparently he’s good for 25 fantasy points when the games matter. One wonders if Zygi Wilf was upset that the Falcons defense wasn’t exposed elsewhere. We’ve all had a go with Lamont Jordan in the past, but you never thought the town bike would be good for a couple of late season TDs. Garrard, Jackson, Garcia, and Pennington sit atop the list of most productive QBs. This year’s Kolby Smith award for running back most likely to steal the show is a tie between Tashard Choice and Fred Jackson.
Say that list of names over again and let in sink in. This isn’t a dream; it’s the fantasy football playoffs. Playoffs?!? Yes, it’s the playoffs and it’s magical. If Warner or Peterson just cost you a title and you’ve got the time, take a shit in a box. It’s the closest thing you’ll see to a fantasy championship this year. Take my word for it…
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You Know Who You Should Sit?

Eli Manning (QB – NYG) Eli Manning has always been unstoppable. After last year's magical super bowl run, he's transformed himself from a professional QB to a championship one. It appears, however, as if his Citizens Eco-Drive watch has finally gone bust. Manning has been at the helm of an extremely pedestrian Giants offense over the last two weeks. Hopefully you followed Mr. T's $1 Bailout Plan back in Week 5 and ditched Manning while you could. If he's still on your payroll, I'd advise looking elsewhere this week. The forecast for the New York area on Sunday looks extremely miserable, so expect a sloppy, grind-it-out affair. With all the talk about how Carolina’s superior running game, the Giants are going assert themselves on the ground this week. The loss of Plaxico has also affected Manning more than people believed. Look elsewhere as a lot of mid-tier QBs have better matchups. I suggest a Tag Heuer for this holiday season.

You Know Who Else You Should Sit?

Tony Romo (QB - DAL) If you have stones and are looking for explosivity, you might want to sit Romo this week. As mentioned above, there are a lot of mid-tier QBs who have tremendous upside potential. Romo's already banged up and the Ravens always smell blood in the water.

Justin Fargas (RB - OAK) Don't expect Oakland to move the ball against Houston this week without any sign of a passing game. The running game should get bottled up and McFadden will be the one to start, as he's got more big play potential.

The Denver Running Back Situation (RBs – DEN) If you're honestly thinking about starting one of them this week, read Marble Ryan's column from earlier in the season. We're back to basics without Peyton Hillis.

Lee Evans (WR - BUF) I've given up on "All Day" Lee Evans for the rest of this season. I expect Trent Edwards to be rusty and the Bills to lean heavily on the running game.

Santana Moss (WR - WSH) Unless Rob Thomas shows up, Santana won't be so smooth against a physical Eagles secondary.

Antonio Gates (TE - SD) Paging Antonio Gates! Maybe he went to Los Angeles to add even more depth to the Clippers frontcourt. Oh, and the Bucs have given up the second fewest fantasy points to TEs this year.
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You Know Who You Should Start?

Braylon Edwards (WR – CLE) Right before last week's game against the Eagles, Browns wide receiver and major fantasy disappointment Braylon Edwards made a surprising announcement to his teammates. "Guess what, bitches!? I'm back! No more dropping passes for Braylon! Get ready to ride this train all the way to the championship!"

This caused confusion for most of the Browns players, as the team was mathematically eliminated from the playoffs several weeks ago. It was soon discovered, however, that Braylon was in fact talking about the fantasy championship. Apparently, upset with how few teams he had been able to draft himself on, Edwards, an avid fantasy football player, came up with an elaborate plan along with good friend and division rival Ray Lewis to sabatoge his own value, thus allowing him to trade for himself on the cheap in all of his leagues.

"In one league some guy even dropped me! Can you believe that!? Me, Braylon Edwards, on waivers! I dedicate the second touchdown I'm going to score in Week 16 to that guy!" Although Edwards’ Browns teammates were for the most part surprised that he’d been purposely dropping so many passes over the season, they did admit that this explained a few things.

"I always wondered why he was dipping his hands in buckets of chicken grease before every game," said Browns cornerback Terry Cousin. "I thought it was some sort of superstition and even considered trying it myself. Man, now I wish I hadn't traded him after Week 11 for Peyton Hillis."

When it was pointed out to Edwards that perhaps he should have spent all season doing the job he gets paid to do, he expressed confusion. "That's what I am doing, man, getting paid! One of my leagues pays $2,000 to the winner! Cash money!" Browns management is allegedly hard at work on putting together a fantasy league for next year in which playoffs start after Week 1.

You Know Who You Should Also Start?

Tashard Choice (RB – DAL) The matchup is once again unappealing, and Marion Barber will be their to take some of the carries, but Choice has looked so good the past few weeks against the Steelers and Giants — two very tough run defenses — that the Cowboys have no choice but to make him a big part of their offense. If you're in need of a running back for your championship round, you could do a lot worse then Choice.

Shaun Hill (QB – SF) Hill had a big game last time he went up against the Rams, his former team, and there’s no reason to think that he won't repeat the performance this week.

Dan Orlovsky (QB – DET) Orlovsky has been improving every week, and this week he’s going against a very weak New Orleans defense. With only two games left to help Detroit avoid the first ever 0-16 season, expect the Lions to pull out all the stops in this game and for Orlovsky to give you solid fantasy numbers.

Ben Roethlisberger (QB – PIT) The Titans defense is looking a lot less frightening now that they’re missing both Albert Haynesworth and Kyle Vanden Bosch. I expect Roethlisberger to expose them in this big matchup for the #1 seed in the AFC.

Kevin Walter (WR – HOU) Walter’s been producing every other week, so this should be one of his "good" weeks. With Nnamdi Asomugha all over Andre Johnson, the Texans will have to look to Walter to as the #1 receiving option.
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Week 16 Podcast: It's All Over Now

In the season finale of the weekly podcast, Marble Ryan joins host Torry Hallelujah to discuss Wo Ai Beijing's chances at winning the RGIOQB league title and to preview the 2009 fantasy draft.

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The Name Game

In honor of the segment of the same name on ESPN’s Fantasy Football Focus podcast, we’ve decided to take this Tuesday afternoon to have a little nominal fun of our own. This week, The Name Game forces you to make a decision about which player you’d rather start in Week 16. Standard scoring is assumed for all comparisons. Unfortunately we don’t have a fancy drop, so let’s go straight to our experts’ opinions.

Tony Romo vs. BAL or Phil Rivers vs. TB?

Torry Hallelujah: I'll go Romo vs. Baltimore. He'll probably throw a few picks, but I could see that game being a little more high-scoring than you'd think.

The Slow Eater: As much as it pains me, I'll say Rivers. He's been pretty consistent this yeah, which Romo hasn't been. Romo doesn't exactly have a history of lighting it up this time of year.

Bruno: Rivers - he has a 9-5 TD/INT ratio over his past six games and TB's the worse of the two Ds. Now that he's got a dependable receiver or two (Vincent Jackson, Malcolm Floyd), you have to go with the matchup.


Pierre Thomas vs. DET or Kevin Smith vs. NO?

Torry Hallelujah: Bonjour!

The Slow Eater: Pierre Thomas all the way...

Bruno: Beyond the matchup, Thomas has been one of the top 5 RBs in the past month. As long as Deuce doesn't drop in, expect at least a TD and 120+ total yards.


Bernard Berrian vs. ATL or Santana Moss vs. PHI?

The Slow Eater: The answer is Moss. Berrian got his 16 points last week while only having 1 catch, thanks to that one catch being a 40 yard touchdown bomb and also having a kick returning TD. You can't possibly rely on that happening again. Moss is the safer play.

Torry Hallelujah: I'll go with Berrian to make at least one big play on turf on Sunday. Jackson really looked comfortable throwing the deep ball last week.

Bruno: Despite Berrian's nice week, go with the better QB here. Moss will struggle against Philly's tough secondary, but I wouldn't put my Super Bowl in the hands of Tavaris Jackson.
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Mr. T's 2008 Fantasy Football Awards

We've hit week 16 and Mr. T's fantasy football season in the RGIOQB league has come to an end. After putting together a three game winning streak to make the playoffs, I was unable to survive Marble Ryan's karma. It must be my just desserts for ragging on his trading decisions. At least I can take some joy in the fact that I kept Lafayette Gold's mediocre bunch out of the playoffs by making them myself. There’s still light at the end of the tunnel. I have two other fantasy football finals this weekend, I sit in third place in my pickem league, and I'm still alive in a 564 person suicide pool. Things could be a lot worse. There's no point in going over player's potential or matchups in the column this week because you've already got the horses to win the race. Instead, I present to you Mr. T's fantasy football awards for the 2008 season.

Worst Pick of the Year: Ladainian Tomlinson
I already discussed LT on Thanksgiving, so I'll skip to my second worst pick of the year. Chad Johnson doesn't have the excuse of an injury like some other disappointments out there. His QB did get hurt, but that didn't stop Houshmandzadeh from being productive. You could his HOF jacket, rub it in bird poop, and sell it on Ebay for more value than Johnson's worth right now. Boldin demanded a trade and still performed. What's Johnson's excuse?
Runners up: Chad Johnson and Torry Holt

Best Pick of the Year: DeAngelo Williams
It’s a major slap in the face when the starter on his own team gets drafted behind the backup rookie stud. Williams was once that rookie stud, so he knows the role too well. Jonathan Stewart proved Williams was the one leading the wonderful life this year. The 87th average pick in ESPN drafts (34th at RB), Williams has found his way to the top three at the position this year.
Runners up: Kurt Warner, Matt Forte, and Chris Johnson

Best Value Pick of the Year: Steve Slaton
While he deserves consideration for the best pick, I thought Slaton deserved his own award. Left for dead before the season, Slaton was approval rating as a potential starting NFL rating was something to throw a shoe at. He was even cut in a few leagues. Now he's considered the best thing to come out of West Virginia since a Beliein backdoor play.
Runners up: Matt Ryan, Kevin Walter, and Eddie Royal

Best Free Agent Pickup of the Year: Tyler Thigpen
Thigpen has become the RGIOQB mascot this year, so he needs no more publicity. Let's shift to Antonio Bryant who's risen from the dead to become this year's hot WR acquisition. Bryant currently stands as the 8th best fantasy WR this year and has carried more than a few teams over the last two weeks. While his consistency was reminiscent of Jennifer Love Hewitt, his big game performances were all one could've asked for someone off the free agent list.
Runners up: Antonio Bryant, Lance Moore, and Tennessee D

Biggest Second Half Disappointment: Clinton Portis
There was NFL and Fantasy MVP talk for Portis through 8 weeks and then he blew a tire. Injuries crippled some of his ability, but the rest can be attributed to the ineptness of his head coach and the true colors of Jason Campbell. Did you know Portis hasn't scored a touchdown since week 7? Even Hyundai Williams has scored two touchdowns since then. That's a disaster to any Portis owner. I'll also point out that runner up Antonio Gates failed to catch a pass in Week 14. Bet you thought you'd never hear that?
Runners up: Marion Barber, Reggie Wayne, and Antonio Gates

Biggest Nosedive in 2009: Matt Cassel
The scenario is a Tom Brady return with Cassel following Josh McDaniel to a new team. New coaches mostly get jobs where the quality of the team was so poor that the coach couldn't win. Throw Cassel into a situation in Detroit, St. Louis, or Cleveland and you expect him to succeed? It'll make ducking shoes look like child's play.
Runners up: Thomas Jones and Antonio Bryant

Biggest Surge in 2009: Ronnie Brown
You have to cut the guy a break for coming back as quickly as he did from ACL surgery. Next year the Dolphins will have a stronger offensive line and a supporting cast under the leadership of Parcells. Brown should return to the form he showed when he ravaged the league last year before. Give him a piece of your Kit Kat bar.
Runners up: Matt Schaub, Maurice Jones-Drew, and Calvin Johnson

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Tarvaris Jackson, Who Art Thou?

On Sunday morning, I found myself searching the waiver wire for quarterback alternatives. Given our 2-QB league, the options were rather limited. Joe Flacco, facing the Steelers defense, didn't make me feel comfortable. Names like Orlovsky and Fitzpatrick don't provide a winning feeling. Bernard Madoff might've been a better answer. Finally I got to the last name on the list — Tarvaris Jackson. Everyone remembers Jackson, the second round pick with the lightning quick feet and the arm of John Elway. So: Flacco or Jackson? McDonalds or Burger King? Coke or Pepsi? The answer wasn't so clear.

I decided to go with Joe Flacco. Dance with the one who brought you, right? I still haven't figured out how the University of Pittsburgh chose Tyler Palko over Flacco as their starter. Dave Wannstedt isn't exactly Ray Handley, but that decision looks pretty bad. Now I'm the one who seems like the ass-bag.

Arizona hasn't stopped the pass all year, but passing isn’t Minnesota's game. Peterson has been his usual dominant self, so Childress was going to feed the beast and not let Tarvaris lose the game. With the potent Arizona offense, the idea was clear — control the clock, control the game. The last thing you need is Warner throwing a few early TDs against your incompetent secondary, leading to a shootout.

At about 4:25 p.m., everything stopped making sense. Jackson hit Berrian down the right sideline for a long TD. Flacco went 3 and out. Jackson found Rice for a short score. Jackson threw to Chester Taylor for his third score. Baltimore had 6 points at halftime. I thought I was in an alcohol-induced dream world until I realized I was still too hung over from the night before to get past the quarter point of my Bud Light. I could say the icing on the cake was the double move that Bobby Wade unleashed on his way to six points, but that wasn't the case. It was Flacco's Hail Mary interception as time wound down. I knew it was coming, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.

I’m down three points to the Slow Eater entering Monday night. It's my Jamal Lewis against his Eagles defense and obviously I’m not feeling too rosy about my chances. With Ken Dorsey lined up behind center, my championship hopes seem dead and buried. One can only hope Dorsey has a little Tarvaris Jackson in him. That's the only lifeline I have left.

- Michael J. Cox

Who Else Do People Hate?

I need to watch my words because many people read this site. That said, I got my ass handed to me by Marble Ryan this week. You can say it's because of what happened on the field, but I beg to differ. We all know where I stand on karma and it reared its ugly head again. I'll throw a big fuck you out to karma and the reasoning Wo Ai Beijing looks on its way to a title. I’ve basked in the benefits, but that doesn't mean I have to be happy about this year’s results.

- Mr. T

Fuck Reggie Bush. Keep trying to juke everyone on the field when you could burn past them. Maybe if you didn’t keep trying to cut every other step your knee would still be in one piece.

- Matt C., New York, NY
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You Know Who You Should Sit?

Marshawn Lynch (RB – BUF) For his first-round playoff matchup against Mr. T, our resident fantasy football savant, Marble Ryan has made the gutsy decision to bench his #1 RB. When informed of this move, Lynch was reportedly very upset, telling reporters, "I help that ungrateful jerk make the playoffs and this is how he repays me? I know he's disappointed in my workmanlike 67 yards per game average, but doesn't he see how hard I've been trying? People don't know the kind of pressure that comes with being a top-12 pick in fantasy drafts. My mom always told me that if I try my hardest good things will happen, but now I'm not so sure. It's just...I feel like...excuse me for a second." With that Lynch ran into a nearby bathroom stall. Although he later said he was fine and simply had to go to the bathroom, reporters claimed to have heard sobbing coming from the stall, as well as Lynch mumbling to himself, "Stop crying! Stop it! Football players don't cry! You're so stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" If you have a more emotionally stable option with a better matchup on your roster, I'd recommend going with it.

You Know Who You Should Also Sit?

Joe Flacco (QB – BAL) While I've been a fan of Flacco all year, he's going up against the ridiculously strong Steelers D this week, and I'm not going to trust a rookie QB in that matchup. Flacco's fantasy success has generally come due to his ability to make big plays, which offsets some of the mistakes he tends to make. The Steelers, however, don't give up the big play, leaving Flacco to rely on his accuracy and decision making, which at this point are not his strengths.

Ben Roethlisberger (QB – PIT) Going against the Ravens, his outlook isn’t all that much brighter than Flacco’s. All in all, avoid everyone from this matchup of 2 elite defenses.

Kevin Walter (WR – HOU) Walter's production this season has been more inconsistent then my start ‘em/sit ‘em picks. If you look at his stats, he's alternated every week between a solid fantasy week and a poor one for most of the season. Last week he put up 20 fantasy points. This isn't a good sign. It won't help matters that he's going against the Titans defense. Look for a safer option.

Frank Gore (RB – SF) Assuming he plays, he's not going to be 100%, and he's going against a solid Dolphins run D. He’s also on a West coast team traveling east. That’s a lot of warning signs.

Eddie Royal (WR – DEN) Royal’s an inconsistent performer, and this week he's going against Carolina, which allows the fewest yards to the number 2 WR of any team in the NFL. He still might come through with a big catch, but the odds are against it.
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You Know Who You Should Start?

Tyler Thigpen (QB – KC) Hangovers are one thing, but today I'm feeling like never before. Unfortunately, I can't say I'm still reeling from Britney Spears' birthday party at Tenjune or a wild night on the town with LC and Lo. In fact, my hangover isn't even alcohol-related. Last night we celebrated Torry Hallelujah's birthday with a Brazilian meat festival unlike anything we’d ever seen before. Coming off a stomach bug on Wednesday, it probably wasn't best for Mr. T to endure such gluttony, but I took one for the team. Last night's protein consumption was the largest I've seen since the Bang Bus Bukkake session of ‘06.

The Tyler Thigpen owners out there aren't hungover yet, though. Somehow the kid has continued to perform in the spread offense and has sprinkled in some rushing yards to keep the fantasy point totals high. The same should happen this week against a Chargers squad that still hasn't shown up for the '08 season. If someone can explain to me how Norv Turner still has a job, please do. A RGIOQB.com favorite, Thigpen should find the end zone a couple times and be his usual productive self.

You Know Who Else You Should Start?

David Garrard (QB - JAX) The once vaunted Packers secondary is now collapsing. The Jags will be able to establish the run, which should open up the passing game for Garrard. Earlier this week, a Jacksonville-area proctologist offered to remove Garrard's head from his ass, so he should finally be effective.

Clinton Portis (RB - WSH) Maybe this is an obvious one, but I expect Coach Janky Spanky to back up his trash talk this week.

Dominic Rhodes (RB - DET) The Lions didn't need the tryptophan on Thanksgiving because they've been asleep the whole season. Addai is banged up worse than that bartender at Deno's Party house, so the Rhodes play should be safe one — at least at the flex..

Vincent Jackson (WR - SD) It's always good to be called out by Marble Ryan. Jackson should have a potent day in the shootout against the Chiefs. Viva Viagra!

Davone Bess (WR - MIA) Time to get on board if you haven't already. This guy is a receptions machine!

Domenik Hixon (WR - NYG) Assuming he's healthy enough to play, he'll redeem himself this week against a Cowboys defense that has been playing over it's head the last few weeks.

John Carlson (TE - SEA) Not being owned by Torry Hallelujah guarantees success. It helps that he finally has some healthy receivers around him, as well.
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The Marble Ryan Lock of the Week

What a tough break for Michael J. Cox. By my calculation, I'm now up four games on my gambling nemesis, who for some reason volunteered to throw caution to the wind and take the other side of whatever bet I choose. What would drive him to something so reckless and foolhardy? Was he simply trying to take one for the team and incentivize me to make the best possible pick, and thus have RGIOQB put forth the best possible product? I don't know and frankly I don't really care, just as long as he shows up at the end of the season with that sweet green cheddar.

As the wins pile up, I grow bolder. I'm not interested in the easy swipe of Cox's cash. Any idiot can pick against the Bengals every week. No, I want Cox to wake up on Monday morning and think, "Damn, I never would've picked that game. I guess Marble is just plain better than me. Now I'm gonna need to do three passenger seat jack-off scenes a week just to pay him off." For Week 15, I have just the pick that's sure to get exactly that response.

Last week, the Cowboys and Giants both endured heart-wrenching losses. The Giants took us back to 2004 with a woeful performance against the Eagles, and though the 'Boys were leading the Steelers for virtually the entire second half, Dallas fans had their hearts ripped out as Pittsburgh scored two TDs in the last 5 minutes to steal the win. Now, the question is which one of these teams has the moxie to come back a week later, pick themselves off the mat and get that crucial W. I don't think I'm alone in observing that no one's got more moxie than the boys in blue. This is a gut check game, and probably the only situation in which you'll ever hear someone say that the rotund Wade Phillips does not have the requisite amount of gut. I like the Giants to win outright in Dallas, kill the Cowboys' playoff hopes, and easily cover the 3.5 points Vegas is handing them. Don't strain your wrist, Cox.

The Pick: New York (+3.5) over DALLAS

Season record: 7-5 (8-6 with Michael J. Cox's assistance)

Every Friday, Marble Ryan will offer up The Marble Ryan Lock of the Week, an under-the-radar, sure-fire NFL pick backed by his proprietary insight. But be forewarned: we in no way advise you to actually take this pick to your local bookkeeper; in fact, we recommend against it. After all, if you hear a cold metallic tap on your door late at night, we're not going to be there to bail you out. But if you want a peek into the pre-eminent football mind of an entire generation, look no further.
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Fantasy Football 2008: A Few Lessons Learned

With my 2008 fantasy season firmly in the books, I thought I’d try to help all of the other also rans out there by taking a look at a few things I learned over the past few months.

• Durability is a skill. Don’t draft a guy with a history of injury problems thinking that once he lands on your roster, he’ll finally find a way to stay healthy. Brian Westbrook is sixth overall in fantasy points among RBs, but I’m convinced I would have an extra 2-3 wins if I’d had someone a little more consistent and a little less explosive.

• Stay away from drafting RBs and WRs with preseason hamstring injuries – they won’t heal up until after their team’s bye. Of course, the player and the team will assure that everything’s fine, that the recovery is progressing. They’re bullshitting you.

• Just because a player has a big week early in the season, don’t think that it’s part of a pattern. If a mediocre player has a huge week in the middle of the season, you take it for what it is. Do the same early on unless you have strong evidence to the contrary. Depth will help you navigate injuries and bye weeks but ultimately won’t help you. Here’s looking at you, Ronnie Brown!

• On the flip side, look for hamstring-related bargains. You probably could’ve landed Ryan Grant, who had a nice finish to the season, for a near Bear Stearns-level pittance in Week 7 or 8.

• Don’t be afraid to clear a roster space for a good defense that’s on the bye. What do the Ravens, Steelers, and Bucs defenses have in common? They were all released in our league at some point during the season. Why? Their owners all had bye weeks and didn’t want to make room for an extra defense by cutting that WR5 they were hoping would pan out. Defenses like these might not be able to help you right away, but they’ll come in handy down the road.

• Don’t let distractions get to you. I missed the playoffs because I started Jake Delhomme on the bye. Why? Well, there’s no need to go into the details. Suffice it to say: keep your eye on the ball, son.

• People are going to have some very tough decisions to make next year. As Marble Ryan and I discussed in this week’s podcast, DeAngelo Williams now leads the league in fantasy points among RBs. But are you really going to spend a top 5 pick on a guy who plays on an up-and-down team and who’s bound to split carries?
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Week 15 Podcast: "That's what happens when you attack a job with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind."

Host Torry Hallelujah returns to the podcast after a brief hiatus to join Marble Ryan to discuss this week's Marble Lock, the NFL playoff picture, and provide a look at next week's 2009 Draft Preview.

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The Name Game

In honor of the segment of the same name on ESPN’s Fantasy Football Focus podcast, we’ve decided to take this Tuesday afternoon to have a little nominal fun of our own. The Name Game forces you to make a decision about which player you’d rather own from now until the end of the season. Standard scoring is assumed for all comparisons. Unfortunately we don’t have a fancy drop, so let’s go straight to our experts’ opinions.

Donovan McNabb or Matt Ryan?

Marble Ryan: McNabb probably won't have a game like the one he was benched in for the rest of the year, but I think Ryan still has less risk. Ryan has been very consistent and in playoff time, that's what you need.

The Slow Eater: You don't want your QB to shit the bed in the playoffs, and with McNabb there's a decent chance of that. I’ll go Ryan.

Bruno: Ryan’s facing Tampa/Minnesota, but he wins out because he's got more weapons, especially “Rowdy” Roddy White. McNabb may have the softer schedule, but I wouldn't trust my playoff run behind a guy who could be out of a job in a few months


Frank Gore or Steve Slaton?

Marble Ryan: Gore is slowing down, but I think if he's gotten you to this point, you can't abandon him. Slaton's stock is pretty high in keeper leagues though.

The Slow Eater: Slaton has run for over 100 yards in 3 of his past 4 games. Gore has only broken 100 once in his past 7. Go with the hot hand.

Bruno: Slaton’s more likely to find paydirt and has better games through the air than Gore, who doesn't carry the ball as much in Martz's O. Look at Gore's last four games to tell the tale: 18 carries, 14, 24, 14.


Antonio Bryant or Kevin Walter?

The Slow Eater: Bryant just blew his load for the rest of the year. With Schaub back, Walter should see plenty of targets as the #2 WR in Houston.

Marble Ryan: Again, I’ll go with consistency. With Schaub back, Walter's the safer choice.

Bruno: It’s Bryant by a longshot. He's the outright #1 receiver in Tampa (Joey who?) and will be facing Atlanta and San Diego, who can't exactly stop a pass these days. Walter's got Andre 3000 to deal with and is the second or third red zone option.

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Welcome to the Playoffs

After writing my swan song three weeks ago, it appeared as if Mr. T would not be defending his title. The ground had been dug up, the tombstone had been constructed, and the epitaph had been written. "Here lies Mr. T. He was unable to overcome the championship hangover. His wisdom was defied. Thomas Jones couldn't save his season." Then something odd happened. Whether it be a decrease in trash talk or a minor miracle, karma started working in this man's direction. I reeled off three straight wins and now sit in third place, awaiting a showdown with Marble Ryan, the preeminent football mind of his generation. While Marble's preeminence will continue to receive the Antonio Pierce treatment, my roster decisions will not face such investigation.

You see, I sat in this same seat one year ago. I was the #3 seed, two wins away from a year's worth of bragging rights, and I took home the crown. Torry Hallelujah has already shown you how mismanagement can ruin a fantasy season. This week, the man who can claim the astute roster acquisitions of Kenny Watson, Kolby Smith, and Darius Walker in Week 16 of last year's final will deliver several names who he expects to wreak havoc in this year's playoffs.

Kyle Orton (QB - CHI) The winds of the South Side are never a pleasant thing, but Chicago's QB has the makings of a playoff performer. He looks homeless and is known to like his Jack Daniels, but you can't fault a guy with his upcoming schedule. The Saints haven’t shown the ability to hold down fantasy QBs and the Packers' secondary currently looks like a collection of Bear Sterns traders masquerading as defensive backs. Weather permitting, and I stress that, Orton should be good enough to steer your ship. And his beard fits right into any pirate motif.

Tyler Thigpen (QB - KC) We've already told you to get Thiggy with it numerous times this year. If you haven't listened, shame on you! He's been a fairly consistent producer and the next two opponents (SD & MIA) shouldn't pose much competition.

Shaun Hill (QB - SF) You never thought you'd be able to move on from Alex Smith, right? Me neither. I was really hoping that Upper Deck rookie card wouldn't go to waste. Instead it appears Hill is very effective and doesn't turn the ball over as much as J.T. O'Sucks-again. Miami and St. Louis provide perfect conditions for continued success.

Kevin Smith (RB - DET) The Lions suck, but that hasn't stopped Kevin Smith from being relatively productive. You still might be kicking yourself for drafting him ahead of Matt Forte (I know I am!!), but the Colts and Saints won't be too formidable in the next two weeks.

Pierre Thomas (RB - NO) Fear is possibly the greatest motivator. The Saints informed Thomas that if he didn't excel in the season's closing weeks, they'd feel the need to draft a RB in the 2009 Draft. Thomas responded with a 2 TD performance on Sunday and looks to continue performing against the Bears and Lions. And if you're saying Lions and Bears, oh my, notice that the Bears run defense hasn't stopped anyone on the road recently.

Davon Bess (WR - MIA) If you've watched Bess play over the last few weeks, you're already asking your parents to allow you to get dreds. Davone has been a consistent target for Pennington since Camarillo went down, although he hasn't been able to find the end zone. With the Niners and Chiefs on the menu, paydirt will be served with your cheese course.

Deion Branch (WR - SEA) I'm still amazed at how the Seahawks gave up a first round pick for this guy, but that's not your problem. The Rams and Jets won't be a problem for Deion either with what they've shown in their secondary recently. Order your neon green gloves and enjoy the show.
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Scouts’ Take: In which we discuss the implications of a Monday Night Football showdown, Joseph Addai’s disappearance, and fantasy collusion

Each week, our scouts gather to share their observations on the most noteworthy Sunday performances. Unfortunately, after attempting to save Tribune Co. by buying up copies of the Hartford Courant, we had to fire them all. In their place are Cousin Bowser, Lafayette Gold, Mr. T, The Slow Eater, and Torry Hallelujah, who let us know what they took away from the Week 14 action.

Mr. T: Michael J. Cox’s fate lies in the hands of Warrick Dunn. Lafayette couldn't seize the day and now waits to see whether he can back in.

Lafayette Gold: Mr. T, let’s hear your odds on Dunn coming through with 8 pts tonight.

Mr. T: A few things to consider here:

• In their first game, Tampa rushed for 142 yards. Dunn himself had 115 rushing and 18 receiving
• Carolina is allowing 112.8 yards per game on the ground
• In home games, Carolina has allowed the following fantasy points to starting RBs: 11, 5, 0, 5, 7, and 13
• In road games, Tampa has scored the following fantasy points with their starting RBs: 11, 5, 7, 6, 8, 18
• I'm pretty sure Tampa only has one road rushing TD this year and that was against the Lions, so it doesn't count

With all that said, I think the odds of Dunn scoring 8 or more points are 50%. Normally I'd think they'd be higher, but Dunn was on my hate list this week because I never like the road teams in these NFC South games (for an example, just take a look at yesterday's Saints/Falcons game).

The Slow Eater: ESPN’s fantasy projections are a joke, but if Dunn gets a couple receptions to go with his carries, he should be good to top 80 yards. Based on this weekend’s performance, I think I might have screwed myself for the playoffs by not holding out on moving out of my parent’s house for another month. Also, and most importantly, if Torry Hallelujah remembers to sit Delhomme on the bye in Week 9, he makes the playoffs. Let this never be forgotten.

Torry Hallelujah: I thought we determined that I still would’ve lost even if I’d started Delhomme? Oh well, at least I was able to wrench a weekly winner out of it.

Mr. T: Nope, I just looked. You lost by 16 and Frerrote had 17. The price paid for explosivity might be $480. And I'm sorry, as you'll most likely admit, there's absolutely no reason to not field a starting lineup when you have a whole week to make the change. There's no excuse that makes sense unless you're out of the country and devoid of internet, but in that case you can at least change out your bye week players a week in advance...

Mr. T: I thought it was ironic that in the week I need to beat Marble Ryan to make the playoffs, Thomas Jones scores 12 points, Matt Schaub scores 24, Fitzgerald scores 13 to Boldin's 6, Randy Moss scores 5, Romo scores 4, Eddie Royal scores 5, and Sammy Morris scores 9.

Mr. T: In other news, Peyton Hillis might be done for the year. It seems like no one can stay healthy in that Broncos backfield. And after Westbrook's performance yesterday, Addai creeps back up into most disappointing first round pick conversation.

Lafayette Gold: Addai killed me yesterday — he should have had a field day with the Bengals D. The Colts win 35-3 and I got 7 friggin' points total from Addai and Wayne! I am now the new president of the Warrick Dunn fan club!

Mr. T: Does anyone remember all the trash Marble Ryan was talking during the early games yesterday? And I kept telling him none of my players had played yet...

Lafayette Gold: Mr. T, lets be honest: you can thank the Colts defense for your clincher. 26 points! Wow! That is Raven-like.

Mr. T: That's something called roster management — picking up a defense with two favorable matchups coming up. Maybe Torry can take a lesson from this. But to balance out the Colts’ positive outing, I had the Evans, Colston, and Portis six-point combination. That's life, that's fantasy football…

Lafayette Gold: I find it funny Mr. T is promoting his Colts defense move and ripping Addai, but he never has given props for the key mid-season pickup of the Ravens D. That move won me a couple of games while my team was all banged up.

Mr. T: I didn't feel the need to pat you on the back for picking up a successful defense because your team is such a juggernaut without them. They fit right in with the all the talent on the roster.

The Slow Eater: Speaking of the Hillis injury, I now can stop kicking myself for dropping him the week before he became the starter. At least that probably won't be the reason I lose in the playoffs.

Mr. T: I'm very grateful for the one week Hillis provided my squad. After seeing what Tashard Choice did against the Steelers, I now have faith in him to carry the load if Barber is unable to suit up.

Mr. T: Slow Eater, where's your promotion of Lafayette’s team today? I expected more of a smoke blowing from you given that your playoff opponent is yet to be decided...

The Slow Eater: I don't want to say anything that could potentially jinx the outcome. I'm just going to say that I'll be watching Warrick Dunn's performance very closely tonight.

Mr. T: It's only fitting that I face Marble Ryan after everything that happened this year. Let the games begin!

Cousin Bowser: I'd like to steer the conversation in a different direction for a second. We all know that I have adamantly spoken against schedule unfairness this whole season. Aside from the fact that I had to play 4 weekly winners (and would have myself been the weekly winners of two of those weeks had my opponent not beaten me), I think it is absurd that the team that has scored the lowest point total has even the slightest chance of making the playoffs. I haven't contributed to the Basketball on Grass bashing that has gone on this whole season, but now as I sit looking at tonight's matchup, on the eve of the start of the playoffs, I can't help but wonder if I should take it upon myself to make sure that Lafayette doesn't make the playoffs by sitting Warrick Dunn tonight. That said, and considering that I obviously wouldn't really do that (because I think he's good for 60 points tonight and a $20 WW prize), what do you think the actions of the collective league would be if:

1. I sat him out of spite for Lafayette
2. I sat him in exchange for Michael J. Cox funding a small piece of my overall loser fee

We've never really had this kind of scenario before. What are your thoughts on this?

Mr. T: My friend at work told me a while back that his league institutes a policy that you need to play a full lineup every week. In the same way you couldn’t bench the Giants D to guarantee a win, you couldn't bench someone to guarantee a loss. I say let Dunn play and let nature take its course.

The Slow Eater: While it might be tempting to sit him out of spite, doing it would be collusion between you and Michael J. Cox (even if Cox had nothing to do with it, and especially if MJC agreed to pay some of your loser's fee). Collusion is one of the few things expressly forbidden in fantasy leagues. The whole reason we put in the weekly winner prize and the loser's fee is so everyone would be trying their hardest to win every week and people wouldn't quit before the season was over. You have to play to win, especially in a league among friends. Play Dunn. It's very possible the karmic gods we'll reward you by having his leg ripped off on the opening drive.

Lafayette Gold: That would be pretty harsh considering I didn’t make the schedule or set the rules.... In my old league I actually tied the championship game and according to ESPN, total points was the tie breaker (in this league I was actually first in total points) and the commish was bush league and decided to overrule ESPN and set bench points tie breaker so I got nothing.

The Slow Eater: Mr. T, what's the tiebreaker system for our league set at? Considering how many freaking ties we've had in the league this year, it coming up in the playoffs is a definite possibility.

Mr. T: It’s total TDs that week by your starting roster and then QB points. Load the buses!
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The Post In Which I Turn the Blame to Where It Truly Belongs

Well, fantasy brethren, it appears as if my 2008 season has finally come to a close. Though I racked up 148 points (yes, I had Westbrook in the lineup this week) in a convincing win over the league’s first place team, the Chefs 2.0, I failed to get the help I needed to make the playoffs. A win by Mr. T’s A-Team over Marble Ryan’s Wo Ai Beijing sealed my fate.

As we’ve detailed in this space before, it’s been a tough year for the KL Crew. But there have been times when the picture was much rosier. On Oct. 22, I was 5-1-1, and in his midseason review, Mr. T gave me 4-1 odds to win the championship. From there, the wheels fell off. The Crew stumbled to a 2-5 finish.

Now, it would be one thing if I’d just totally wrecked my draft and had a terrible team from the start, or if I’d just been one of those hard-luck teams that always seems to play the week’s high scorer. My schedule was tough, sure, and I did have some bad luck — ahem, Plaxico Burress — but it wasn’t the problem.

No, my friends: I was the problem. To quote Herm Edwards — and, really, there are only a few moments in life that can’t be explained with a Herm Edwards quote — “I did a bad job. I did a bad job preparing this football team. Terrible job! I DID A BAD JOB!!!”

Looking back, it’s easy to see where things went wrong.

1) I failed to trade Ronnie Brown after his 5-TD explosion against the Patriots in Week 3, deciding that with Ryan Grant’s hamstring, Chris Johnson’s timeshare, and Westbrook’s durability issues, I’d be better served by having depth.

2) I failed to adjust my roster for my Week 9 game against Cousin Bowser, leaving Jake Delhomme in as a starter even though the Panthers were on the bye. If I’d started my backup, Gus Frerotte, I would’ve won by 1 point.

3) Sitting on the couch with a laptop on Thanksgiving, I came across this piece by Stephania Bell and decide to bench Brian Westbrook for the Eagles’ Thursday night game against the Cardinals. If I’d started him, I would’ve won. Fuck you, Starphania.

But it’s all over now, for good this time, and I feel relieved. This Sunday, I’ll be able to watch the games for their pure entertainment value and not have to worry about how my team is performing. I’ll be able to watch every Jay Cutler deep ball and not have to worry that Eddie Royal, and not Brandon Marshall, will be on the end of it. I won’t have to worry about which kicker to pick up off of waivers or who my opponent has in the Monday night game. Best of all, I’ll no longer have to root for Matt Cassel.

So that’s it for my team and, for the year, this column. Don’t feel bad for me, for I am going to a better place – one where I can enjoy football as it is meant to be enjoyed. I’ll also be drunk off my ass to numb myself from the pain.

Until next year.
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You Know Who You Should Sit?

Braylon Edwards (WR - CLE) Alcohol is a wonderful thing. With all the varieties, there's a drink for every mood. No, I don't need AA, but isn't it true? It can add to the enjoyment of your NFL Sunday. It can help you temporarily forget about being laid off. And it can even make that chubby girl at the bar look a tad slimmer, especially if she's wearing black. Ah yes, Mr. T couldn't live without the sauce. But I do have to be the bearer of some bad news: no matter how many PBRs you consume during Week 14, Ken Dorsey still won’t look pretty. Braylon Edwards is in for a long rest of the season, my friends. Like Amazon River long... like Dirk Diggler long. And playing the Titans won't make it end any faster. Their pass defense is allowing the second fewest points to opposing WRs, which shouldn't bode well for Butterfingers Braylon. Thank God for alcohol because that's the only way to feel better these days about wasting your third round pick on the player Marble Ryan deemed this season’s biggest disappointment.

You Know Who Else You Should Sit?

Warrick Dunn (RB - TB) I never like these NFC South teams on the road against a divisional opponent.

Clinton Portis (RB - WAS) Portis is the league’s real "fucking soldier," fighting through injuries to take the field in recent weeks. I'm worried that Ray Lewis and the stout Baltimore run defense are going to break him in half this week. Like "shit my wife saw the lipstick on my collar" worried...

Matt Schaub (QB - HOU) It's hard to expect big things from a quarterback who hasn't been in an NFL game in over four weeks and doesn’t have the last name Romo. There's also the possibility that Schaub might get an upset stomach from Brats and Beer and tell his coach he's too hungover to play again.

Roy Williams (WR - DAL) Hell of a trade made by Jerry Jones here. It really took Roy and the Cowboys to that next level. After the Steelers neutralize Dallas' passing game, expect an outburst from TO on Monday.

Anthony Fasano (TE - BUF) Buffalo has quietly been very effective against fantasy tight ends. They like their ends a little looser up there to provide extra padding for the cold weather.
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You Know Who You Should Start?

Matt Ryan (QB – ATL) Marble Ryan flew down to see his cousin Matt this week before the Falcons' game against the Saints. Matt was extremely happy to see Marble, as it had been months since his last visit. The two bonded over chili dogs at The Varsity and discussed the upcoming weekend's affair. Matt seemed ecstatic about the opportunities he'd have in the passing game. "They can't stop those 9 routes, you know the vertical kind, so it's going to be like taking candy from a baby," said Ryan. "It’ll be easier than those games against Duke used to be. Roddy. Jenky, and H-Dog are gonna have big days." Marble came back feeling good about his cousin’s chances this weekend, so that's good enough for me. As long as Matt stays away from Tampa on Saturday, where his alma mater will see their demise to Virginia Tech, I'll double down on him this weekend.

You Know Who Else You Should Start?

Shaun Hill (QB - SF) As long as the Jets pass rush is hibernating, the Niners line won't have to worry about too much. If a Martz' offense has time, the QB will let fly.

Steve Slaton (RB - HOU) You'd probably only consider benching him in a league with a flex position, but let West Virginia take you home this week. Slaton showed last week what he can do against a questionable defense.

Steve Breaston (WR - AZ) The Cardinals are putting up a ton of points this week. They're home and rested after 10 days off. They finally face another cushy defense. St. Louis will give their best impression of the town bicycle and Breaston will get his turn to ride.

Lee Evans (WR - BUF) J.P. is back in the saddle for Buffalo and that always means big things for "All Day" Lee Evans. The game's in Canada, so have a Labatt Blue on us.
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Thursday Afternoon Quarterback: 10 Things Peter King Thinks He Thinks

1. Held a webinar attended by Steelers linebacker James Harrison last week. It went pretty well, I’d say, minus all the shouting. I’m sorry for what I said about your wife, James — that was out of line.

2. Not sure you fantasy footballers have caught onto this yet, but LaDainian Tomlinson hasn’t quite been himself this year. Trade him for the tandem of Clinton Portis and Chris Johnson if you still can.

3. Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me. Brett Favre’s inseam is 34 inches. What a gunslinger!

4. Caught an episode of the best show on TV last week: Ugly Betty. Move over, Sophia Loren — America Ferrara has arrived!

5. Coffeenerdness. For the past few days, I’ve given up coffee in favor of the packets of green tea that Phil Simms gave me after he came back from his off-season trip to Borneo. Then I passed out on the floor of the Seahawks locker room, only to be lifted to my feet by Floyd “Pork Chop” Womack. I owe you one, Pork Chop. Don’t worry, folks: I’ll be getting back in the espresso routine next week.

6. Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week. To save the company a few bucks, I offered to shack up in the Las Cruces, New Mexico bus station last week. Only problem, I couldn’t fall asleep because the bum sleeping on the bench next to me was snoring so loud. I managed to rouse him, but he just wet himself and went back to bed. Good news, though: after downing several bottles of Robitussin, I was able to catch 20 or 30 winks.

7. Not sure if you knew this, but Jerome Bettis is from Detroit.

8. Field Hockey Update of the Week. Mary Beth King took the field at Franklin Regional High School in Bethesda, Maryland last week, scoring 4 goals and adding 3 assists. Unfortunately, though, she graduated from high school 9 years ago and was detained by the school security team for disorderly conduct. You can’t blame a kid for wanting to compete, America.

9. Feel better, Maury. Your country needs you.

10. Who I Like Tonight, and I Mean Cris Collinsworth. Chargers 31, Raiders 17. Look for Philip Rivers to hit Lance Allworth in stride all night long.
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"The Line Up" with The Lieutenant

Every Thursday, we'll be bringing you "The Line Up" with The Lieutenant, the head of law enforcement here at Rex Grossman headquarters. Raised by his hard-drinking father to believe that ridicule and justice go hand in hand, The Lieutenant will give you a weekly rundown of all the assault, drug, and shitting-in-a-laundry-basket charges filed against the players who populate your fantasy teams.

I abandoned you last week, and for this I’m deeply sorry. You see, Eric Mangini was calling my plays, and he figured you guys for Thomas Jones and the running game last week. Now I’m back after an extra helping of turkey and Schlitz. That last one always goes down a little rough…

The Gunslinger

- Oh no, I’m not talking about quarterbacks with that headline. I’m talking about that assclown Plaxico Burress, who felt a little fidgety after an extra stiff glass of Remy Martin. He likes himself a quick trigger, so his gloc doesn’t have the standard safety. It’s some AFL2 quality shit, where the safety is on the trigger. Maybe he needs to take his kid to school more so he can get educated. After poppin’ himself in the leg with an unregistered gun, Burress will have plenty of time to harass his wife over the rest of the season. Plax, you’re making about 7 million a season — invest in some private security, my man! Then your dumb ass won’t have to worry about your inferior weapon and your impeccable timing. Like the Giants, I’d move quickly to replace Plax on your roster with Domenik Hixon. He’ll run all of Plax’s routes and he’ll strike deeper than the bullet that traveled through Burress’ thigh. That faceoff against the Cowboys in Week 15 looks might appetizing to me. Hold on, I think I need another Schlitz…

Where My Dawgs At?

Michael Vick took some time off from making $0.12 an hour washing my dishes to attend court in Virginia. He pled guilty to dog fighting charges and then hopped his ass back to the Midwest. You see, Ron Mexico used to have some good mobility in the pocket, but he can’t seem to hit a pair of pocket aces to save his life in our poker game. He keeps pissing away that five bucks he makes a day to us every Thursday night. Not too many QB1s run like Prisoner 08375 did, but there are a few out there with some wheels. Aaron Rodgers leads the way with four rushing TDs. He sees a nice finishing schedule with Houston, Jacksonville, Chicago, and Detroit. While he’s probably a start in most one QB leagues anyways, Brett Favre’s former caddy has multiple TDs in his last three games. That’ll pay out more than $0.12 an hour.

I’ll also throw a bone to RexGrossmanIsOurQuarterback.com favorite Tyler Thigpen. While we won’t be ordering up Michael Johnson’s gold shoes anytime soon, I’d really like to own him in the week 15 game vs. San Diego. Maybe I can trade some of these rehabbed dogs to acquire him.

Chris Henry Watch

Chris Henry took the week off, literally. The site of the Bengals sends my son into shock so I was unable to see the game, but Henry dropped a fat zero on the box score. I guess he wanted to show his loyalty to former college teammate Pacman Jones.

I Got Effed Auto-drafting on Yahoo!

It seems like the boys couldn’t get their act together over Thanksgiving

Week 13 Totals:

QB: Colt Brennan (0 pts) – Maybe Plax should’ve hung out with this useless colt instead of his own.

RB: Pierre Thomas (11 pts) – The P-Train is unstoppable. Allons-y, motherfucker.

RB: Olaniyi Sobomehin (0 pts) – He fled the country.

WR: Chaz Schilens (0 pts) – Chaz is a wack-ass bitch.

WR: Jabar Gaffney (0 pts) – Jabar needs to call up Toyota.

RB/WR: Joshua Cribbs (0 pts) – He must’ve been watching the Pick-up Artist.

TE: Ben Hartsock (0 pts) – Mel Gibson can’t sock some hart into this asshole.

D: St. Louis (3 pts) – Marc Bulger can eat a dick.

K: Jeff Reed (15 pts) – It doesn’t matter the flavor because Skippy always delivers.

This Day in Fantasy Football: December 04, 1978

After losing his Week 13 game because of a missed extra point, Richard Weinstein unloaded his handgun into his right leg. The bullet went right through and clipped his dog Rufus in the ear. Devastated that he had mistakenly shot his dog, Weinstein fired again towards his other leg, missed, and put a bullet through his television.

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Week 14 Podcast: "He dislocated his freedom"

Marble Ryan joins guest host Mr. T in discussing the recent NFL suspensions, the emergence of Domenik Hixon, and their upcoming faceoff in Week 14.

Donwload the Podcast



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The Name Game

In honor of the segment of the same name on ESPN’s Fantasy Football Focus podcast, we’ve decided to take this Tuesday afternoon to have a little nominal fun of our own. The Name Game forces you to make a decision about which player you’d rather own from now until the end of the season. Standard scoring is assumed for all comparisons. Unfortunately we don’t have a fancy drop, so let’s go straight to our experts’ opinions.

Shaun Hill vs. Jason Campbell?

Marble Ryan: There's a reason why J.T. O’Sullivan could've gotten his owner a legit starting running back in a trade after 4 weeks of the year. You gotta ride Air Martz as often as possible. I believe in Shaun Hill.

The Slow Eater: It's not even close. Hill has thrown multiple TDs in 3 of the last 4 games. Campbell hasn't had a game with more then 1 TD since week 4.

Torry Hallelujah: I like Campbell, but the Skins will probably go with a pretty conservative game plan from here on out. Plus, he has weather to deal with. As far as Hill goes, anyone who can turn Vernon Davis into a legit fantasy player has my respect.


Reggie Bush or Ronnie Brown?

The Slow Eater: They're both in time shares now and Brown has proven himself healthy. Until Bush shows he's 100%, he's behind Brown.

Marble Ryan: I'm not convinced Reggie Bush can come all the way back to where he was before he missed time, and Pierre Thomas is looking like just as much of a vulture as Ricky Williams has been. Let’s go with Brown.

Torry Hallelujah: 100 yards and 1 TD seems like it is Brown’s absolute ceiling (whereas Bush's is much higher), but you've got to go with Brown’s health at this time of year.


Vincent Jackson or Domenik Hixon?

Marble Ryan: Vincent Jackson puts up way too many zeros in that weird San Diego passing situation. Somehow the QB is a top 5 fantasy performer, but none of the receivers are worth starting week to week. Hixon looks like he'll be getting most of Plax's targets.

The Slow Eater: Every game in which Hixon’s gotten playing time he's delivered. I can't say the same for Jackson.

Torry Hallelujah: With Plax out of the lineup, Hixon seems like a no-brainer.
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One Week to Walk the Wire

With one week left in most leagues, I figured it was finally time to give everyone an in-depth look at the waiver wire. We've been reluctant to discuss the waiver wire this season because of the highly competitive nature of our league, but at such a pivotal time in the season, it's time to put the competitiveness aside and focus on helping out our loyal readers. While Torry Halelujah and the Slow Eater think they're kings of the waiver wire, no one gets it done like Mr. T. Here's a look at some players who performed well in Week 13 and might still be available in your league:

Peyton Hillis (RB - DEN)
Owned in 41% of Yahoo! leagues
Honestly, how is this guy still available in 59% of Yahoo! leagues? We know that being part of the Denver Running Back Situation is never a positive thing, but people need to realize that, because of all the injuries, there's no longer a situation. Mike Shanahan had a falling out with Bill Romanowski in the offseason and is no longer able to provide his players with the quality steroids needed to withstand a full NFL schedule. Hillis is the only healthy man standing, and it's nice that he's a goal-line beast. The fact that he's getting all the carries for a pretty effective Broncos offense makes him all the more worthy of a waiver claim.

Mark Clayon (WR - BAL)
Owned in 13% of Yahoo! leagues
Was Kordell Stewart wearing the #89 for Baltimore last Sunday? Clayton had a passing and receiving TD, making everyone long for the days of Slash. Let's not get ahead of ourselves with the 164 receiving yards, though: Baltimore is a run-first offense and the schedule isn't great in the coming weeks. Look elsewhere.

Le'Ron McClain (RB - BAL)
Owned in 39% of Yahoo! leagues
Hans Gruber did his best to make Mr. McClain disappear over the middle part of the season, which led to Le'Ron being thrown out the window and onto the free agent pile. For some reason, McGahee is now the RB who is MIA and Le'Ron has seen a bulk of the rushing load. Before you rush out to grab McClain like he's some Black Friday laptop, notice that he has Washington, Pittsburgh, and Dallas on his upcoming schedule. Those names are not run-friendly. He'll be a tempered flex play down the stretch if you’re in dire need.

John Carlson (TE - SEA)
Owned in 35% of Yahoo! leagues
I'm not sure whether it's Karma or Kramer, but ever since Torry Hallelujah dropped Carlson two weeks ago, the Seattle TE has been productive. The return of Hasselbeck and the Seahawks’ fantasy playoff schedule (featuring the Rams and the Jets) speak well to Carlson's future viability. He's a reasonable low-end TE1.

Matt Jones (WR - JAX)
Owned in 35% of Yahoo! leagues
Roger Goodell must have a financial interest in the Colombian Cartel with the speed with which he's punished Matt Jones' summer arrest for possession. Somehow Jones is still playing, and he's the most competent receiver the Jaguars have. Things weren't pretty last night, but Jones was still able to reel in 8 catches for 105 yards. Chicago provides a nice WR3 matchup for him this week, but Green Bay and Indy might throw down the playoff hammer. Thankfully the Jaguars suck and will consistently be trailing in games. Hello Pablo Escobar!
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Scouts’ Take: In which we discuss the prosperity of Jay Cutler, the fall of Matt Cassel, and Marble Ryan's ability to tell the future

Each week, our scouts gather to share their observations on the most noteworthy Sunday performances. Unfortunately, after blowing all our savings buying electronics on Black Friday, we had to fire them all. In their place are Black Irish, Marble Ryan, Mr. T, Steve Stevens, and Torry Hallelujah, who let us know what they took away from the Week 12 action.

Mr. T: Can we stop the Matt Cassel bandwagon now that he's played a good defense? Let's not kick Brady out of New England just yet. Cassel looked pretty average this week. Cutler meanwhile, who a bunch of you thought was worse off than Cassel going forward, looked pretty good yesterday against what was supposed to be a tough Jets defense. And Favre sucks, that interception down the left sideline was fucking atrocious.

Steve Stevens: Can we get a breakdown of who actually thought Cassel > Cutler?

Black Irish: I was in the tank for Cassel.

Mr. T: http://rexgrossmanisourquarterback.blogspot.com/2008/11/name-game_25.html

Marble Ryan: The Jets pass D couldn't be that good, considering the difference in Cassel performances between the last Jets game and yesterday's Steelers game.

Mr. T: The whole thing was a debacle yesterday. The second ranked Jets run defense made Peyton Hillis look like everything you hoped Mike Bell would ever be. And the Broncos used a series of screens and short pass plays to take away the Jets 3rd ranked pass rush. It was good game planning by Shana-tan, which makes you wonder how they lost to the Raiders.

Torry Hallelujah: Barring any flight delays, I should see everyone at 8:30 to deliver the eulogy for my 2008 fantasy football season.

Steve Stevens: Torry Hallelujah's second half nosedive is hard to watch...

Mr. T: It's actually pretty easy to watch for the rest of us. We could have a 4 team, 2 playoff spot situation coming up next week...

Marble Ryan: Meanwhile, take a look at what some former residents of Beijing are doing lately. Tom Jones and DeAngelo Williams are like the two best RBs in fantasy right now. Marble Ryan - the pre-eminent football mind of his generation. I will continue to defend the Tom Jones trade because it collected me wins that I wouldn't have gotten starting another QB. But, the DeAngelo for Kevin Smith trade is looking pretty atrocious.

Black Irish: Marble, you should really stay away from Lions running backs. All we heard the past two years was about your bullishness on Kevin Jones, and look how that turned out.

Mr. T: The #2 scoring RB in fantasy football is none other than Thomas Jones. Marble, what was that you were saying 3 weeks ago about you ripping me off in that trade? DeAngelo Williams is the #5 scoring RB. That trade was terrible. How in God's name are you the pre-eminent football mind of your generation if you’re trading away such players?

Marble Ryan: I'm the pre-eminent mind because I drafted those guys. I just had an emergency situation at the QB position that forced me to unload Jones, and I was too impatient to wait around for DeAngelo to pan out. Being impatient has cost me seasons before, but this time it just cost me a little margin of victory.

Mr. T: That's such nonsense because you were down on both guys when you traded them. Drafting them doesn't mean squat if you trade them away so easily. Your pre-eminence holds to all your decision making and that includes trading them away. It also includes what you thought about Kevin Smith, who I don't think will be scoring 4 TDs in a game anytime soon. Here’s a quote from September 9th.

Marble Ryan: I wasn’t going to trade Tom Jones for just anything. Its not like I
wanted to dump him at any cost, I just think he has limited upside – and still
do. He’ll be a solid RB2, but I need some more explosivity in my life.

Marble Ryan: Speaking of Tom Jones, anyone see that piece about his "physique" on NFL Countdown yesterday? That was hands down the gayest moment in ESPN history, easily beating anything that ever happened when they used to show figure skating. I thought Jones was going to start dancing in a thong, which would've gone straight into the Mr. T DVR spank bank.

Mr. T: Thomas Jones vs. SF in Week 14. Mr. T vs. Marble Ryan in Week 14. Just saying...

Mr. T: Btw, can we get a cheer for the Ken Dorsey era in Cleveland starting this weekend at Tennessee? Woo!

Steve Stevens: I don't even think Miami fans should make that "Woo!" His arm strength is embarrassing.

Marble Ryan: Maybe it's a positive for Braylon Edwards - Dorsey's feather-balls should be easier to catch.

Mr. T: I meant woo in terms of the better propositions. Marble’s lock of the week should be betting against Dorsey every week. Although Marble has correctly locked it up the last three weeks. Maybe Michael J. Cox should start getting scared...
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At Last, Brian Westbrook, Our Journey Has Come to an End

Our relationship, to say the least, has been rocky, Brian Westbrook, but it has now tragically, mercifully come to an end. Thanks to you, Westbrook, my fantasy season is now over.

While sitting on the couch this Thanksgiving, I began to reflect on all of the players on my fantasy team that I was thankful for (here's looking at you, Chris Johnson). But as nice an experience as that was, I couldn't help but come back to the one who'd disappointed me the most, the shifty running back from Villanova who has carried countless fantasy teams to glory in the past. Why couldn't you do the same for me, Westbrook? I just didn't get it.

So, deciding that I'd had enough of all the 14-carry, 28-yard games you've been putting up recently, I decided to sit you on the bench in favor of Ronnie Brown. And what did you do to me in return?

You fucking burned me, that's what. To the tune of 130 total yards and 4 TDs. Thirty-seven fantasy points, totally unrealized. Playoff chances? Caput. Emotional instability? High. Ridicule from fellow league members? Incessant.

I can't help but think that all along, this was how it was meant to end. I've lost countless games by starting you in weeks when I should've sat you, so it's only fitting that I should cede a playoff birth in the week when I sat you instead of starting you.

In a way, I'm glad it's all come to an end. It hasn't been an easy season for my team, the KL Crew. Though I put together one of the most talented, deep rosters in the league, my team seemed forever incapable of fulfilling its potential. From Ryan Grant's early struggles to the total debacle that was the 2008 Jeremy Shockey fantasy season, to watching Ronnie Brown wave at me from my bench after scoring 5 TDs against the Patriots to Plaxico Burress's frustrating lack of production (and recent decision to discharge a firearm into one of his major appendages), to, finally, this, it's been a long, hard road for my star-crossed bunch. But now it's over, and I can move on.

Just kidding. I effing hate you, Westbrook! I'll never forgive you for this!

Who Else Do People Hate?

A big FU to Peyton Manning. You couldn’t throw at least one touchdown pass? You’re always good for that. Yet on a day when I score 120 with MoJo going on MNF, you couldn’t get me within striking distance of my opponent, who had Rodgers, Driver, Chris and Larry Johnson, not to mention Jason Witten. That left him with a whopping 160 in a PPR league. Like the room service lady says in your new Mastercard commercial, take a hike.

- Charles C. New York, NY
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