Mr. T's 2008 Fantasy Football Awards

We've hit week 16 and Mr. T's fantasy football season in the RGIOQB league has come to an end. After putting together a three game winning streak to make the playoffs, I was unable to survive Marble Ryan's karma. It must be my just desserts for ragging on his trading decisions. At least I can take some joy in the fact that I kept Lafayette Gold's mediocre bunch out of the playoffs by making them myself. There’s still light at the end of the tunnel. I have two other fantasy football finals this weekend, I sit in third place in my pickem league, and I'm still alive in a 564 person suicide pool. Things could be a lot worse. There's no point in going over player's potential or matchups in the column this week because you've already got the horses to win the race. Instead, I present to you Mr. T's fantasy football awards for the 2008 season.

Worst Pick of the Year: Ladainian Tomlinson
I already discussed LT on Thanksgiving, so I'll skip to my second worst pick of the year. Chad Johnson doesn't have the excuse of an injury like some other disappointments out there. His QB did get hurt, but that didn't stop Houshmandzadeh from being productive. You could his HOF jacket, rub it in bird poop, and sell it on Ebay for more value than Johnson's worth right now. Boldin demanded a trade and still performed. What's Johnson's excuse?
Runners up: Chad Johnson and Torry Holt

Best Pick of the Year: DeAngelo Williams
It’s a major slap in the face when the starter on his own team gets drafted behind the backup rookie stud. Williams was once that rookie stud, so he knows the role too well. Jonathan Stewart proved Williams was the one leading the wonderful life this year. The 87th average pick in ESPN drafts (34th at RB), Williams has found his way to the top three at the position this year.
Runners up: Kurt Warner, Matt Forte, and Chris Johnson

Best Value Pick of the Year: Steve Slaton
While he deserves consideration for the best pick, I thought Slaton deserved his own award. Left for dead before the season, Slaton was approval rating as a potential starting NFL rating was something to throw a shoe at. He was even cut in a few leagues. Now he's considered the best thing to come out of West Virginia since a Beliein backdoor play.
Runners up: Matt Ryan, Kevin Walter, and Eddie Royal

Best Free Agent Pickup of the Year: Tyler Thigpen
Thigpen has become the RGIOQB mascot this year, so he needs no more publicity. Let's shift to Antonio Bryant who's risen from the dead to become this year's hot WR acquisition. Bryant currently stands as the 8th best fantasy WR this year and has carried more than a few teams over the last two weeks. While his consistency was reminiscent of Jennifer Love Hewitt, his big game performances were all one could've asked for someone off the free agent list.
Runners up: Antonio Bryant, Lance Moore, and Tennessee D

Biggest Second Half Disappointment: Clinton Portis
There was NFL and Fantasy MVP talk for Portis through 8 weeks and then he blew a tire. Injuries crippled some of his ability, but the rest can be attributed to the ineptness of his head coach and the true colors of Jason Campbell. Did you know Portis hasn't scored a touchdown since week 7? Even Hyundai Williams has scored two touchdowns since then. That's a disaster to any Portis owner. I'll also point out that runner up Antonio Gates failed to catch a pass in Week 14. Bet you thought you'd never hear that?
Runners up: Marion Barber, Reggie Wayne, and Antonio Gates

Biggest Nosedive in 2009: Matt Cassel
The scenario is a Tom Brady return with Cassel following Josh McDaniel to a new team. New coaches mostly get jobs where the quality of the team was so poor that the coach couldn't win. Throw Cassel into a situation in Detroit, St. Louis, or Cleveland and you expect him to succeed? It'll make ducking shoes look like child's play.
Runners up: Thomas Jones and Antonio Bryant

Biggest Surge in 2009: Ronnie Brown
You have to cut the guy a break for coming back as quickly as he did from ACL surgery. Next year the Dolphins will have a stronger offensive line and a supporting cast under the leadership of Parcells. Brown should return to the form he showed when he ravaged the league last year before. Give him a piece of your Kit Kat bar.
Runners up: Matt Schaub, Maurice Jones-Drew, and Calvin Johnson

Read more...

Tarvaris Jackson, Who Art Thou?

On Sunday morning, I found myself searching the waiver wire for quarterback alternatives. Given our 2-QB league, the options were rather limited. Joe Flacco, facing the Steelers defense, didn't make me feel comfortable. Names like Orlovsky and Fitzpatrick don't provide a winning feeling. Bernard Madoff might've been a better answer. Finally I got to the last name on the list — Tarvaris Jackson. Everyone remembers Jackson, the second round pick with the lightning quick feet and the arm of John Elway. So: Flacco or Jackson? McDonalds or Burger King? Coke or Pepsi? The answer wasn't so clear.

I decided to go with Joe Flacco. Dance with the one who brought you, right? I still haven't figured out how the University of Pittsburgh chose Tyler Palko over Flacco as their starter. Dave Wannstedt isn't exactly Ray Handley, but that decision looks pretty bad. Now I'm the one who seems like the ass-bag.

Arizona hasn't stopped the pass all year, but passing isn’t Minnesota's game. Peterson has been his usual dominant self, so Childress was going to feed the beast and not let Tarvaris lose the game. With the potent Arizona offense, the idea was clear — control the clock, control the game. The last thing you need is Warner throwing a few early TDs against your incompetent secondary, leading to a shootout.

At about 4:25 p.m., everything stopped making sense. Jackson hit Berrian down the right sideline for a long TD. Flacco went 3 and out. Jackson found Rice for a short score. Jackson threw to Chester Taylor for his third score. Baltimore had 6 points at halftime. I thought I was in an alcohol-induced dream world until I realized I was still too hung over from the night before to get past the quarter point of my Bud Light. I could say the icing on the cake was the double move that Bobby Wade unleashed on his way to six points, but that wasn't the case. It was Flacco's Hail Mary interception as time wound down. I knew it was coming, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.

I’m down three points to the Slow Eater entering Monday night. It's my Jamal Lewis against his Eagles defense and obviously I’m not feeling too rosy about my chances. With Ken Dorsey lined up behind center, my championship hopes seem dead and buried. One can only hope Dorsey has a little Tarvaris Jackson in him. That's the only lifeline I have left.

- Michael J. Cox

Who Else Do People Hate?

I need to watch my words because many people read this site. That said, I got my ass handed to me by Marble Ryan this week. You can say it's because of what happened on the field, but I beg to differ. We all know where I stand on karma and it reared its ugly head again. I'll throw a big fuck you out to karma and the reasoning Wo Ai Beijing looks on its way to a title. I’ve basked in the benefits, but that doesn't mean I have to be happy about this year’s results.

- Mr. T

Fuck Reggie Bush. Keep trying to juke everyone on the field when you could burn past them. Maybe if you didn’t keep trying to cut every other step your knee would still be in one piece.

- Matt C., New York, NY
Read more...

You Know Who You Should Sit?

Marshawn Lynch (RB – BUF) For his first-round playoff matchup against Mr. T, our resident fantasy football savant, Marble Ryan has made the gutsy decision to bench his #1 RB. When informed of this move, Lynch was reportedly very upset, telling reporters, "I help that ungrateful jerk make the playoffs and this is how he repays me? I know he's disappointed in my workmanlike 67 yards per game average, but doesn't he see how hard I've been trying? People don't know the kind of pressure that comes with being a top-12 pick in fantasy drafts. My mom always told me that if I try my hardest good things will happen, but now I'm not so sure. It's just...I feel like...excuse me for a second." With that Lynch ran into a nearby bathroom stall. Although he later said he was fine and simply had to go to the bathroom, reporters claimed to have heard sobbing coming from the stall, as well as Lynch mumbling to himself, "Stop crying! Stop it! Football players don't cry! You're so stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" If you have a more emotionally stable option with a better matchup on your roster, I'd recommend going with it.

You Know Who You Should Also Sit?

Joe Flacco (QB – BAL) While I've been a fan of Flacco all year, he's going up against the ridiculously strong Steelers D this week, and I'm not going to trust a rookie QB in that matchup. Flacco's fantasy success has generally come due to his ability to make big plays, which offsets some of the mistakes he tends to make. The Steelers, however, don't give up the big play, leaving Flacco to rely on his accuracy and decision making, which at this point are not his strengths.

Ben Roethlisberger (QB – PIT) Going against the Ravens, his outlook isn’t all that much brighter than Flacco’s. All in all, avoid everyone from this matchup of 2 elite defenses.

Kevin Walter (WR – HOU) Walter's production this season has been more inconsistent then my start ‘em/sit ‘em picks. If you look at his stats, he's alternated every week between a solid fantasy week and a poor one for most of the season. Last week he put up 20 fantasy points. This isn't a good sign. It won't help matters that he's going against the Titans defense. Look for a safer option.

Frank Gore (RB – SF) Assuming he plays, he's not going to be 100%, and he's going against a solid Dolphins run D. He’s also on a West coast team traveling east. That’s a lot of warning signs.

Eddie Royal (WR – DEN) Royal’s an inconsistent performer, and this week he's going against Carolina, which allows the fewest yards to the number 2 WR of any team in the NFL. He still might come through with a big catch, but the odds are against it.
Read more...

You Know Who You Should Start?

Tyler Thigpen (QB – KC) Hangovers are one thing, but today I'm feeling like never before. Unfortunately, I can't say I'm still reeling from Britney Spears' birthday party at Tenjune or a wild night on the town with LC and Lo. In fact, my hangover isn't even alcohol-related. Last night we celebrated Torry Hallelujah's birthday with a Brazilian meat festival unlike anything we’d ever seen before. Coming off a stomach bug on Wednesday, it probably wasn't best for Mr. T to endure such gluttony, but I took one for the team. Last night's protein consumption was the largest I've seen since the Bang Bus Bukkake session of ‘06.

The Tyler Thigpen owners out there aren't hungover yet, though. Somehow the kid has continued to perform in the spread offense and has sprinkled in some rushing yards to keep the fantasy point totals high. The same should happen this week against a Chargers squad that still hasn't shown up for the '08 season. If someone can explain to me how Norv Turner still has a job, please do. A RGIOQB.com favorite, Thigpen should find the end zone a couple times and be his usual productive self.

You Know Who Else You Should Start?

David Garrard (QB - JAX) The once vaunted Packers secondary is now collapsing. The Jags will be able to establish the run, which should open up the passing game for Garrard. Earlier this week, a Jacksonville-area proctologist offered to remove Garrard's head from his ass, so he should finally be effective.

Clinton Portis (RB - WSH) Maybe this is an obvious one, but I expect Coach Janky Spanky to back up his trash talk this week.

Dominic Rhodes (RB - DET) The Lions didn't need the tryptophan on Thanksgiving because they've been asleep the whole season. Addai is banged up worse than that bartender at Deno's Party house, so the Rhodes play should be safe one — at least at the flex..

Vincent Jackson (WR - SD) It's always good to be called out by Marble Ryan. Jackson should have a potent day in the shootout against the Chiefs. Viva Viagra!

Davone Bess (WR - MIA) Time to get on board if you haven't already. This guy is a receptions machine!

Domenik Hixon (WR - NYG) Assuming he's healthy enough to play, he'll redeem himself this week against a Cowboys defense that has been playing over it's head the last few weeks.

John Carlson (TE - SEA) Not being owned by Torry Hallelujah guarantees success. It helps that he finally has some healthy receivers around him, as well.
Read more...

The Marble Ryan Lock of the Week

What a tough break for Michael J. Cox. By my calculation, I'm now up four games on my gambling nemesis, who for some reason volunteered to throw caution to the wind and take the other side of whatever bet I choose. What would drive him to something so reckless and foolhardy? Was he simply trying to take one for the team and incentivize me to make the best possible pick, and thus have RGIOQB put forth the best possible product? I don't know and frankly I don't really care, just as long as he shows up at the end of the season with that sweet green cheddar.

As the wins pile up, I grow bolder. I'm not interested in the easy swipe of Cox's cash. Any idiot can pick against the Bengals every week. No, I want Cox to wake up on Monday morning and think, "Damn, I never would've picked that game. I guess Marble is just plain better than me. Now I'm gonna need to do three passenger seat jack-off scenes a week just to pay him off." For Week 15, I have just the pick that's sure to get exactly that response.

Last week, the Cowboys and Giants both endured heart-wrenching losses. The Giants took us back to 2004 with a woeful performance against the Eagles, and though the 'Boys were leading the Steelers for virtually the entire second half, Dallas fans had their hearts ripped out as Pittsburgh scored two TDs in the last 5 minutes to steal the win. Now, the question is which one of these teams has the moxie to come back a week later, pick themselves off the mat and get that crucial W. I don't think I'm alone in observing that no one's got more moxie than the boys in blue. This is a gut check game, and probably the only situation in which you'll ever hear someone say that the rotund Wade Phillips does not have the requisite amount of gut. I like the Giants to win outright in Dallas, kill the Cowboys' playoff hopes, and easily cover the 3.5 points Vegas is handing them. Don't strain your wrist, Cox.

The Pick: New York (+3.5) over DALLAS

Season record: 7-5 (8-6 with Michael J. Cox's assistance)

Every Friday, Marble Ryan will offer up The Marble Ryan Lock of the Week, an under-the-radar, sure-fire NFL pick backed by his proprietary insight. But be forewarned: we in no way advise you to actually take this pick to your local bookkeeper; in fact, we recommend against it. After all, if you hear a cold metallic tap on your door late at night, we're not going to be there to bail you out. But if you want a peek into the pre-eminent football mind of an entire generation, look no further.
Read more...