What’s in a Guarantee?

You can get a good look at a fantasy championship by sticking your head up Adrian Peterson’s ass, but wouldn’t you rather take Mr. T’s word for it? Nothing in fantasy football is ever guaranteed. The Slow Eater led our RGIOQB.com league for most of the year, but that didn’t mean anything in last weekend’s finale, in which he lost to podcast superstar Marble Ryan. In previous seasons, we’ve seen teams lose because their top performers were benched in Week 16 due to their team having locked up their position in the NFL playoffs, but that wasn’t a factor this year. No, we had real disappointments from fantasy studs, and a few also-rans rose to the occasion. Let’s take some time to reflect on Week 16’s madness.

Adrian Peterson is already being anointed as next year’s #1 selection. You even volunteered yourself to the Vikings medical staff for halftime massage duty in order to keep him healthy for a full season. Yet none of that mattered against the a pedestrian Falcons defense this past weekend, as Peterson’s 92 combined yards and a fumble have left you wanting more. You can’t even take him into the champagne room and slip him a c-note to finish the job.

Kurt Warner helped engineer your surge to the top of the standings. The vaunted Cardinals passing attack had been humming along all year and you were reaping the benefits. The faceoff against the leaky Patriots secondary had you envisioning bragging rights, a Jostens fantasy football ring, and enough cash to take your girlfriend out to a restaurant other than Applebees. It looks like you’ll still be joining Harris Smith for dinner after Warner’s pitiful one point performance in the poor New England weather. Fantasy’s #1 QB for most of the season came up a tad short when it mattered. Dirk Diggler he ain’t…

The reliable Thomas Jones couldn’t post a double digit mark. The New Orleans secondary held down Megatron Johnson. The Raiders kept Steve Slaton out of the end zone and prevented Andre Johnson from living up to the accolades thrown at him by Marble Ryan after Marble saw him in his skivvies at the NFL combine. We’re talking about elite talent that crapped the bed when you needed them most. You won’t be able to throw some fresh Huggies and get back out there for another go. You’re a big kid now…with no trophy to play with.

Instead we salute the real heroes. Here’s to Visante “Junkyard Dog” Shiancoe for being the surprise #1 TE this week. Not only does he show us his dong on live TV, but apparently he’s good for 25 fantasy points when the games matter. One wonders if Zygi Wilf was upset that the Falcons defense wasn’t exposed elsewhere. We’ve all had a go with Lamont Jordan in the past, but you never thought the town bike would be good for a couple of late season TDs. Garrard, Jackson, Garcia, and Pennington sit atop the list of most productive QBs. This year’s Kolby Smith award for running back most likely to steal the show is a tie between Tashard Choice and Fred Jackson.
Say that list of names over again and let in sink in. This isn’t a dream; it’s the fantasy football playoffs. Playoffs?!? Yes, it’s the playoffs and it’s magical. If Warner or Peterson just cost you a title and you’ve got the time, take a shit in a box. It’s the closest thing you’ll see to a fantasy championship this year. Take my word for it…
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You Know Who You Should Sit?

Eli Manning (QB – NYG) Eli Manning has always been unstoppable. After last year's magical super bowl run, he's transformed himself from a professional QB to a championship one. It appears, however, as if his Citizens Eco-Drive watch has finally gone bust. Manning has been at the helm of an extremely pedestrian Giants offense over the last two weeks. Hopefully you followed Mr. T's $1 Bailout Plan back in Week 5 and ditched Manning while you could. If he's still on your payroll, I'd advise looking elsewhere this week. The forecast for the New York area on Sunday looks extremely miserable, so expect a sloppy, grind-it-out affair. With all the talk about how Carolina’s superior running game, the Giants are going assert themselves on the ground this week. The loss of Plaxico has also affected Manning more than people believed. Look elsewhere as a lot of mid-tier QBs have better matchups. I suggest a Tag Heuer for this holiday season.

You Know Who Else You Should Sit?

Tony Romo (QB - DAL) If you have stones and are looking for explosivity, you might want to sit Romo this week. As mentioned above, there are a lot of mid-tier QBs who have tremendous upside potential. Romo's already banged up and the Ravens always smell blood in the water.

Justin Fargas (RB - OAK) Don't expect Oakland to move the ball against Houston this week without any sign of a passing game. The running game should get bottled up and McFadden will be the one to start, as he's got more big play potential.

The Denver Running Back Situation (RBs – DEN) If you're honestly thinking about starting one of them this week, read Marble Ryan's column from earlier in the season. We're back to basics without Peyton Hillis.

Lee Evans (WR - BUF) I've given up on "All Day" Lee Evans for the rest of this season. I expect Trent Edwards to be rusty and the Bills to lean heavily on the running game.

Santana Moss (WR - WSH) Unless Rob Thomas shows up, Santana won't be so smooth against a physical Eagles secondary.

Antonio Gates (TE - SD) Paging Antonio Gates! Maybe he went to Los Angeles to add even more depth to the Clippers frontcourt. Oh, and the Bucs have given up the second fewest fantasy points to TEs this year.
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You Know Who You Should Start?

Braylon Edwards (WR – CLE) Right before last week's game against the Eagles, Browns wide receiver and major fantasy disappointment Braylon Edwards made a surprising announcement to his teammates. "Guess what, bitches!? I'm back! No more dropping passes for Braylon! Get ready to ride this train all the way to the championship!"

This caused confusion for most of the Browns players, as the team was mathematically eliminated from the playoffs several weeks ago. It was soon discovered, however, that Braylon was in fact talking about the fantasy championship. Apparently, upset with how few teams he had been able to draft himself on, Edwards, an avid fantasy football player, came up with an elaborate plan along with good friend and division rival Ray Lewis to sabatoge his own value, thus allowing him to trade for himself on the cheap in all of his leagues.

"In one league some guy even dropped me! Can you believe that!? Me, Braylon Edwards, on waivers! I dedicate the second touchdown I'm going to score in Week 16 to that guy!" Although Edwards’ Browns teammates were for the most part surprised that he’d been purposely dropping so many passes over the season, they did admit that this explained a few things.

"I always wondered why he was dipping his hands in buckets of chicken grease before every game," said Browns cornerback Terry Cousin. "I thought it was some sort of superstition and even considered trying it myself. Man, now I wish I hadn't traded him after Week 11 for Peyton Hillis."

When it was pointed out to Edwards that perhaps he should have spent all season doing the job he gets paid to do, he expressed confusion. "That's what I am doing, man, getting paid! One of my leagues pays $2,000 to the winner! Cash money!" Browns management is allegedly hard at work on putting together a fantasy league for next year in which playoffs start after Week 1.

You Know Who You Should Also Start?

Tashard Choice (RB – DAL) The matchup is once again unappealing, and Marion Barber will be their to take some of the carries, but Choice has looked so good the past few weeks against the Steelers and Giants — two very tough run defenses — that the Cowboys have no choice but to make him a big part of their offense. If you're in need of a running back for your championship round, you could do a lot worse then Choice.

Shaun Hill (QB – SF) Hill had a big game last time he went up against the Rams, his former team, and there’s no reason to think that he won't repeat the performance this week.

Dan Orlovsky (QB – DET) Orlovsky has been improving every week, and this week he’s going against a very weak New Orleans defense. With only two games left to help Detroit avoid the first ever 0-16 season, expect the Lions to pull out all the stops in this game and for Orlovsky to give you solid fantasy numbers.

Ben Roethlisberger (QB – PIT) The Titans defense is looking a lot less frightening now that they’re missing both Albert Haynesworth and Kyle Vanden Bosch. I expect Roethlisberger to expose them in this big matchup for the #1 seed in the AFC.

Kevin Walter (WR – HOU) Walter’s been producing every other week, so this should be one of his "good" weeks. With Nnamdi Asomugha all over Andre Johnson, the Texans will have to look to Walter to as the #1 receiving option.
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Week 16 Podcast: It's All Over Now

In the season finale of the weekly podcast, Marble Ryan joins host Torry Hallelujah to discuss Wo Ai Beijing's chances at winning the RGIOQB league title and to preview the 2009 fantasy draft.

Donwload the Podcast



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The Name Game

In honor of the segment of the same name on ESPN’s Fantasy Football Focus podcast, we’ve decided to take this Tuesday afternoon to have a little nominal fun of our own. This week, The Name Game forces you to make a decision about which player you’d rather start in Week 16. Standard scoring is assumed for all comparisons. Unfortunately we don’t have a fancy drop, so let’s go straight to our experts’ opinions.

Tony Romo vs. BAL or Phil Rivers vs. TB?

Torry Hallelujah: I'll go Romo vs. Baltimore. He'll probably throw a few picks, but I could see that game being a little more high-scoring than you'd think.

The Slow Eater: As much as it pains me, I'll say Rivers. He's been pretty consistent this yeah, which Romo hasn't been. Romo doesn't exactly have a history of lighting it up this time of year.

Bruno: Rivers - he has a 9-5 TD/INT ratio over his past six games and TB's the worse of the two Ds. Now that he's got a dependable receiver or two (Vincent Jackson, Malcolm Floyd), you have to go with the matchup.


Pierre Thomas vs. DET or Kevin Smith vs. NO?

Torry Hallelujah: Bonjour!

The Slow Eater: Pierre Thomas all the way...

Bruno: Beyond the matchup, Thomas has been one of the top 5 RBs in the past month. As long as Deuce doesn't drop in, expect at least a TD and 120+ total yards.


Bernard Berrian vs. ATL or Santana Moss vs. PHI?

The Slow Eater: The answer is Moss. Berrian got his 16 points last week while only having 1 catch, thanks to that one catch being a 40 yard touchdown bomb and also having a kick returning TD. You can't possibly rely on that happening again. Moss is the safer play.

Torry Hallelujah: I'll go with Berrian to make at least one big play on turf on Sunday. Jackson really looked comfortable throwing the deep ball last week.

Bruno: Despite Berrian's nice week, go with the better QB here. Moss will struggle against Philly's tough secondary, but I wouldn't put my Super Bowl in the hands of Tavaris Jackson.
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