Draft 2008: Love and Hate, Part 3

Love: Jeremy Shockey, TE New Orleans Saints

This one’s tough for me to admit, because I’ve never really cared for Shockey or even taken him that seriously. The guy spikes the ball after routine first down catches, dropped passes in the clutch, and did his best to kill Eli Manning’s confidence, which is kind of like going up to the homeless guy on your street every day and shaking him down for spare change. Let’s also not forget this hilarious incident, in which Shockey prematurely celebrated what looked to be a game-winning field goal for the Giants…only to change his expression as the kick sailed wide left. When the Giants announced last season that they were not going to grant Shockey permission to be on the field at the Super Bowl, I knew that those “19-0” shirts would end up in the hands of a bunch of kids living in huts in South America.

Still, how do you not love Shockey this year? He’s playing for a team that spent their entire offseason trying to figure out a way to trade for him—you don’t think they’re going to look for him in the red zone? And, poo stain on his cheek aside, Drew Brees knows a little something about getting the ball to the TE—he’s a big part of the reason why Antonio Gates became so successful. I predict a torn meniscus by Week 12, but by then he’ll have already matched his career high in TDs (7).

Hate: Tom Brady, QB New England Patriots

Okay, hate is a relative term here. There’s no question that Brady will be the top fantasy QB this year (or close to it), but anyone expecting him to throw for 50 TDs and 4,800 yards again is going to be sorely disappointed. The year after Peyton Manning threw for 49 TDs, he threw 29. The year after LT scored 31 TDs, he scored 18. The year after Mike Vick threw for almost 2,500 yards and ran for an additional 1,000, he went to prison. Sense a pattern here?

The Pats just won’t be able to duplicate last season’s intergalactic passing totals. After the loss to the Giants, the Pats are going to be wary of falling into the old Colts pattern of running up the score on crappy teams during the regular season only to lose in the playoffs (which Bill Simmons mocked them for in every NFL column he published from 2000-2004). Expect Brady’s TD total to be in the low 30s—good enough for you to make him the top QB on your draft board but not enough for you to pass up a stud RB in round 1 to get him.

Sleeper Love: Chris Johnson, RB Tennessee Titans

He’ll get off to a hot start, racking up some long TD runs in the first few weeks of the season before suffering a minor injury around Week 5 that will hamper his production for the rest of the season. Play him at the flex early but trade him at the peak of his value.

Sleeper Hate: Robert Meachem, WR New Orleans Saints

The next Ashley Lelie. Sure, he’s looked good in the preseason, but word on the street is that he can only run the go route. Next.

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Draft 2008: Love and Hate, Part 2

Love: Thomas Jones, RB New York Jets

The Jets offense was bad last year. Watching them play felt something like what Steve Carrell experienced during the filming of that body wax scene from The 40 Year Old Virgin. But now it’s another 40-year-old who will give the Jets offense a Beyonce-level upgrade. Replacing Pennington and Clemens with Brett Favre is like going from Amy Winehouse to Catherine Zeta-Jones. CZJ is probably not at her peak, but she’s still a hell of a lot more appealing than the younger option. And you can think of the O-line retooling as some nice tight pants to accentuate the ass that ducked under those laser beams in Entrapment. But the real winner in all of this is Thomas Jones. I figure that at least an improvement over last season’s touchdown count (1) is a given, and TJ’s yardage will improve because they’ll be a better team and will be running the ball more often in the second half. If he offered you 1,300 yards and 8 TDs, is that something you’d be interested in?

Hate: Antonio Gates, TE San Diego Chargers

You’re in college and you walk into a party. You look around the room and see plenty of cute girls, but one stands out. She has a great face, a low-cut top that puts some size in your face, and some nice stems. Of course, she’s surrounded by guys, and you’re left to wonder how you could even get close enough to talk to her.

So you start asking some of your friends about her. You find out that she’s coming off back surgery and wears a metal brace underneath her shirt. The boobs that look so great with all the support look more like flapjacks when they’re allowed to roam free. And that tube of moisturizer she carries in her purse is actually used to treat those cold sores that pop up every few months.

That’s Antonio Gates. He’s coming off toe surgery and now he finally has a #1 WR (Chris Chambers) to compete with for touches. It’s doubtful that he’ll ever reach 13 TDs or 1,000 yards receiving again. Do yourself a favor and wait till later in the draft to pick up your TE—there are bargains to be had. They might not stop traffic at first glance like Gates, but they’re productive and STD-free. Plus, by avoiding Gates you can use your 4th round pick to strengthen your receiving corps or pick up that 3rd RB for the flex.

Sleeper Love: Rashard Mendenhall
Good offense + goal line carries = sleeper stud.

Sleeper Hate: Chris Johnson, RB Tennessee Titans
See Henry, Chris.
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Draft 2008: Love and Hate, Part 1

Love: Larry Johnson, RB Kansas City Chiefs

In the fall of 2005, Britney Spears ruined the life of her son Sean Preston by giving birth to him, a movie about closeted gay cowboys ruffled some feathers, and Larry Johnson ran roughshod all over the league, putting up 16 games’ worth of yardage and TDs in just half a season. In 2006, LJ recorded the league’s first ever 100,000 carry season under an offensive scheme that made Woody Hayes’s old game plans look like the stuff of Air Coryell. The effects were as visible as they were predictable: LJ slogged through a brutal season (in which he didn’t have a single great game) before being sidelined with an injury. One of the most promising talents in the NFL has become a 2nd round pick.

But I just can't stop thinking about 2005: the Pat O'Brien voicemails, that runaway bride with the crazy eyes, and Larry Johnson running through defenses with no regard for human life. The past is now the future, and the only way not to get burned by LJ this year is to draft him in Round 1.

Hate: Adrian Peterson, RB Minnesota Vikings

I won't beat around the bush; it's personal between me and AD. In Week 6 of last season, I squared off against Mr. T, who had AD on his roster. AD torched both me and the Bears with a bruising 226 yard, 3 TD performance. Flustered by what happened, I decided to trade for him, offering up Carson Palmer and Kellen Winslow. In Weeks 7 and 8, he notched two unimpressive performances, rushing for a total of 130 yards and 1 TD. So I did what any guy afraid of commitment would’ve done: I dumped his ass, sending him to Torry Hallelujah for Travis Henry, Selvin “Slim at the Waist” Young, and Donald Driver. By doing so, I broke a very important fantasy rule: never trade a player to the team you’re about to play. Three days after the trade went through, AD redefined how we think of athletic achievement with a 296 yard, 3 TD fantasy explosion.

That game single-handedly sent me into a depression that lasted nearly four months. At times, my loved ones weren’t sure that I’d ever recover. Nine months later, I’m back to my old self and can finally think objectively about the man known as “All Day.” What I’ve come to is this: his injury history combined with the fact that his team’s passing game will be led by the poor man’s Shaun King, Tavaris Jackson, render all of the talk about him being the #1 pick totally preposterous. He’ll have big games, sure, but he doesn’t belong with the guys who’ve done it before (LT, Westbrook) or the ones who have a more talented supporting cast (Addai, Tom Brady). The bottom line is that AD is a #1 talent who will likely have a #6 season.

Sleeper Love: Chris Perry, RB Cincinnati Bengals

A Tiki Barber-type run/catch talent who could reenergize a Cincy offense that looked very pedestrian at times last season. Rudi Johnson is on his way out the door, and Kenny Watson is the next Nick Goings—one good year of spot duty, never to be heard from again.

Sleeper Hate: Ricky Williams, RB Miami Dolphins

C'mon, you've got to be kidding me. Ronnie Brown is a freak of nature and will be 100% healthy by the start of the season. And if you're picking Williams because you think he's left the ganja behind, well, you don't know anything about football or ganja.


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I Pity the Fool - Mr T's Draft Instructions

Look, you may think you know how to run a Fantasy Football team, but chances are you probably don't. You're the guy who reads all the publications before the draft, soaks himself in dozens of websites, and still finds a way to miss the playoffs every year. I show up to my drafts and laugh at you clowns that are diving into depth charts written by some joker who lives with his Grandma. I once drafted in a car on I-95, while eating two Big Macs, and without printed rankings. Sure I've lost two girlfriends over my intense desire to dominate the world of Fantasy Sports, but obviously things weren't meant to be.

So as you prepare for your fantasy draft, Mr. T wants you to be aware of the following things. I pity the fool who is dumb enough to not follow my insight. And remember the Golden Rule - The man with the Gold...Rules!

#1 - Be prepared

Don't take your rankings from too many sources. Keep it simple. But remember, it's your pick not Matthew Berry's. You have to live with it. Figure out who you want to target, circle them, and then go get em. And ALWAYS have three guys in mind when it's close to your pick. No one wants to wait for you.

#2 - Stay risk averse early

Don't be an idiot and draft a guy with tremendous upside potential that isn't slated to go in the first two rounds. Your first two picks are the core of your franchise. You need to be safe with your picks and get risky later. Otherwise it's like riding the town bicycle without your helmet. Better to be safe than sorry...

#3 - The bench is key

If you draft Brady, Manning, or Romo, don't worry about drafting a backup QB early. If Brady, Manning, or Romo get hurt, you're probably screwed anyways. Draft guys for your bench that you can trade later. What's going to be more valuable if your starting WR goes down? A starting RB that broke out or a TE that's 8th in the league in catches?

#4 - Never assume trades are available

If you don't have a worthwhile starting QB, don't draft another position assuming you'll be able to trade. It might take you four weeks to make the deal. The season is too short to make assumptions. If you're good enough, you'll be able to grab someone in the next round that could possibly be traded.

#5 - Don't draft a kicker until the last round

You've heard it before and you'll hear it again. The points difference between waiver wire guys and anyone you draft is worth no more than a couple points a week. And there's always a stud who goes undrafted. Actually, if you're in a league with me, draft a kicker before the last round. I'll buy you a beer with my winnings.
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RexGrossmanIsOurQuarterback.com 2008 Fantasy Draft Results

Round 1
1 - LaDainian Tomlinson - The Slow Eater - The Chefs 2.0
2 - Adrian Peterson - Black Irish - Full Retard
3 - Joseph Addai - Lafayette Gold - Basketball on Grass
4 - Brian Westbrook - Torry Hallelujah - The KL Crew
5 - Steven Jackson - Cousin Bowser - Lehman Brothers
6 - Tom Brady - Michael J. Cox - Luv2LikBalz@Jack.com
7 - Clinton Portis - Mr. T - The A-Team
8 - Randy Moss - Steve Stevens - 2Girls1Cup
9 - Peyton Manning - Marble Ryan - Wo Ai Beijing
10 - Frank Gore - Bruno - McCord Blows
Round 2
1 - Tony Romo - Bruno - McCord Blows
2 - Marshawn Lynch - Marble Ryan - Wo Ai Beijing
3 - Drew Brees - Steve Stevens - 2Girls1Cup
4 - Marion Barber - Mr. T - The A-Team
5 - Larry Johnson - Michael J. Cox - Luv2LikBalz@Jack.com
6 - Terrell Owens - Cousin Bowser - Lehman Brothers
7 - Ryan Grant - Torry Hallelujah - The KL Crew
8 - Reggie Wayne - Lafayette Gold - Basketball on Grass
9 - Willie Parker - Black Irish - Full Retard
10 - Maurice Jones-Drew - The Slow Eater - The Chefs 2.0
Round 3
1 - Braylon Edwards - The Slow Eater - The Chefs 2.0
2 - Carson Palmer - Black Irish - Full Retard
3 - Matt Hasselbeck - Lafayette Gold - Basketball on Grass
4 - Ben Roethlisberger - Torry Hallelujah - The KL Crew
5 - Donovan McNabb - Cousin Bowser - Lehman Brothers
6 - Darren McFadden - Michael J. Cox - Luv2LikBalz@Jack.com
7 - Marques Colston - Mr. T - The A-Team
8 - Brandon Jacobs - Steve Stevens - 2Girls1Cup
9 - Larry Fitzgerald - Marble Ryan - Wo Ai Beijing
10 - T.J. Houshmandzadeh - Bruno - McCord Blows
Round 4
1 - Laurence Maroney - Bruno - McCord Blows
2 - Thomas Jones - Marble Ryan - Wo Ai Beijing
3 - Andre Johnson - Steve Stevens - 2Girls1Cup
4 - Jamal Lewis - Mr. T - The A-Team
5 - Derek Anderson - Michael J. Cox - Luv2LikBalz@Jack.com
6 - Willis McGahee - Cousin Bowser - Lehman Brothers
7 - Plaxico Burress - Torry Hallelujah - The KL Crew
8 - Reggie Bush - Lafayette Gold - Basketball on Grass
9 - Steve Smith - Black Irish - Full Retard
10 - Chad Johnson - The Slow Eater - The Chefs 2.0
Round 5
1 - Anquan Boldin - The Slow Eater - The Chefs 2.0
2 - Wes Welker - Black Irish - Full Retard
3 - Santonio Holmes - Lafayette Gold - Basketball on Grass
4 - Brandon Marshall - Torry Hallelujah - The KL Crew
5 - Roy Williams - Cousin Bowser - Lehman Brothers
6 - Michael Turner - Michael J. Cox - Luv2LikBalz@Jack.com
7 - Torry Holt - Mr. T - The A-Team
8 - Calvin Johnson - Steve Stevens - 2Girls1Cup
9 - Greg Jennings - Marble Ryan - Wo Ai Beijing
10 - Laveranues Coles - Bruno - McCord Blows
Round 6
1 - Earnest Graham - Bruno - McCord Blows
2 - Selvin Young - Marble Ryan - Wo Ai Beijing
3 - Kevin Smith - Steve Stevens - 2Girls1Cup
4 - Marvin Harrison - Mr. T - The A-Team
5 - Antonio Gates - Michael J. Cox - Luv2LikBalz@Jack.com
6 - David Garrard - Cousin Bowser - Lehman Brothers
7 - Ronnie Brown - Torry Hallelujah - The KL Crew
8 - Santana Moss - Lafayette Gold - Basketball on Grass
9 - Hines Ward - Black Irish - Full Retard
10 - Jay Cutler - The Slow Eater - The Chefs 2.0
Round 7
1 - Matt Forte - The Slow Eater - The Chefs 2.0
2 - LenDale White - Black Irish - Full Retard
3 - Eli Manning - Lafayette Gold - Basketball on Grass
4 - Jerricho Cotchery - Torry Hallelujah - The KL Crew
5 - Edgerrin James - Cousin Bowser - Lehman Brothers
6 - Lee Evans - Michael J. Cox - Luv2LikBalz@Jack.com
7 - Jason Witten - Mr. T - The A-Team
8 - Kellen Winslow - Steve Stevens - 2Girls1Cup
9 - Marc Bulger - Marble Ryan - Wo Ai Beijing
10 - Philip Rivers - Bruno - McCord Blows
Round 8
1 - Dallas Clark - Bruno - McCord Blows
2 - Chris Cooley - Marble Ryan - Wo Ai Beijing
3 - Jonathan Stewart - Steve Stevens - 2Girls1Cup
4 - Matt Schaub - Mr. T - The A-Team
5 - Dwayne Bowe - Michael J. Cox - Luv2LikBalz@Jack.com
6 - Tony Gonzalez - Cousin Bowser - Lehman Brothers
7 - Roddy White - Torry Hallelujah - The KL Crew
8 - Joey Galloway - Lafayette Gold - Basketball on Grass
9 - Jeff Garcia - Black Irish - Full Retard
10 - Aaron Rodgers - The Slow Eater - The Chefs 2.0
Round 9
1 - Donald Driver - The Slow Eater - The Chefs 2.0
2 - Patrick Crayton - Black Irish - Full Retard
3 - Heath Miller - Lafayette Gold - Basketball on Grass
4 - Jake Delhomme - Torry Hallelujah - The KL Crew
5 - Nate Burleson - Cousin Bowser - Lehman Brothers
6 - Kevin Curtis - Michael J. Cox - Luv2LikBalz@Jack.com
7 - Brett Favre - Mr. T - The A-Team
8 - Jon Kitna - Steve Stevens - 2Girls1Cup
9 - Chris Chambers - Marble Ryan - Wo Ai Beijing
10 - Julius Jones - Bruno - McCord Blows
Round 10
1 - Anthony Gonzalez - Bruno - McCord Blows
2 - DeAngelo Williams - Marble Ryan - Wo Ai Beijing
3 - Fred Taylor - Steve Stevens - 2Girls1Cup
4 - Ricky Williams - Mr. T - The A-Team
5 - Bernard Berrian - Michael J. Cox - Luv2LikBalz@Jack.com
6 - Jason Campbell - Cousin Bowser - Lehman Brothers
7 - Chris Johnson - Torry Hallelujah - The KL Crew
8 - Rudi Johnson - Lafayette Gold - Basketball on Grass
9 - Felix Jones - Black Irish - Full Retard
10 - Kenny Watson - The Slow Eater - The Chefs 2.0
Round 11
1 - Rashard Mendenhall - The Slow Eater - The Chefs 2.0
2 - Donte' Stallworth - Black Irish - Full Retard
3 - Matt Leinart - Lafayette Gold - Basketball on Grass
4 - Jeremy Shockey - Torry Hallelujah - The KL Crew
5 - Derrick Mason - Cousin Bowser - Lehman Brothers
6 - Kurt Warner - Michael J. Cox - Luv2LikBalz@Jack.com
7 - Chris Perry - Mr. T - The A-Team
8 - Vincent Jackson - Steve Stevens - 2Girls1Cup
9 - Reggie Williams - Marble Ryan - Wo Ai Beijing
10 - Reggie Brown - Bruno - McCord Blows
Round 12
1 - Vince Young - Bruno - McCord Blows
2 - Justin Fargas - Marble Ryan - Wo Ai Beijing
3 - DeSean Jackson - Steve Stevens - 2Girls1Cup
4 - J.T. O'Sullivan - Mr. T - The A-Team
5 - Ted Ginn Jr. - Michael J. Cox - Luv2LikBalz@Jack.com
6 - Javon Walker - Cousin Bowser - Lehman Brothers
7 - D.J. Hackett - Torry Hallelujah - The KL Crew
8 - Deuce McAllister - Lafayette Gold - Basketball on Grass
9 - Chester Taylor - Black Irish - Full Retard
10 - Tony Scheffler - The Slow Eater - The Chefs 2.0
Round 13
1 - Robert Meachem - The Slow Eater - The Chefs 2.0
2 - Kevin Jones - Black Irish - Full Retard
3 - Amani Toomer - Lafayette Gold - Basketball on Grass
4 - JaMarcus Russell - Torry Hallelujah - The KL Crew
5 - Steve Slaton - Cousin Bowser - Lehman Brothers
6 - Ray Rice - Michael J. Cox - Luv2LikBalz@Jack.com
7 - Isaac Bruce - Mr. T - The A-Team
8 - Michael Bush - Steve Stevens - 2Girls1Cup
9 - New York - Marble Ryan - Wo Ai Beijing
10 - Ahmad Bradshaw - Bruno - McCord Blows
Round 14
1 - Indianapolis - Bruno - McCord Blows
2 - Bryant Johnson - Marble Ryan - Wo Ai Beijing
3 - Matt Ryan - Steve Stevens - 2Girls1Cup
4 - Chad Pennington - Mr. T - The A-Team
5 - Jerry Porter - Michael J. Cox - Luv2LikBalz@Jack.com
6 - Todd Heap - Cousin Bowser - Lehman Brothers
7 - Chris Brown - Torry Hallelujah - The KL Crew
8 - Seattle - Lafayette Gold - Basketball on Grass
9 - Trent Edwards - Black Irish - Full Retard
10 - Minnesota - The Slow Eater - The Chefs 2.0
Round 15
1 - Darren Sproles - The Slow Eater - The Chefs 2.0
2 - Chicago - Black Irish - Full Retard
3 - Owen Daniels - Lafayette Gold - Basketball on Grass
4 - Andre Hall - Torry Hallelujah - The KL Crew
5 - Kyle Orton - Cousin Bowser - Lehman Brothers
6 - San Diego - Michael J. Cox - Luv2LikBalz@Jack.com
7 - Ronald Curry - Mr. T - The A-Team
8 - Jacksonville - Steve Stevens - 2Girls1Cup
9 - Ahman Green - Marble Ryan - Wo Ai Beijing
10 - Bobby Engram - Bruno - McCord Blows
Round 16
1 - Greg Olsen - Bruno - McCord Blows
2 - Nate Kaeding - Marble Ryan - Wo Ai Beijing
3 - Sidney Rice - Steve Stevens - 2Girls1Cup
4 - Green Bay - Mr. T - The A-Team
5 - Kolby Smith - Michael J. Cox - Luv2LikBalz@Jack.com
6 - New England - Cousin Bowser - Lehman Brothers
7 - Nick Folk - Torry Hallelujah - The KL Crew
8 - Ben Obomanu - Lafayette Gold - Basketball on Grass
9 - Shayne Graham - Black Irish - Full Retard
10 - Vernon Davis - The Slow Eater - The Chefs 2.0
Round 17
1 - Brodie Croyle - The Slow Eater - The Chefs 2.0
2 - Anthony Fasano - Black Irish - Full Retard
3 - Robbie Gould - Lafayette Gold - Basketball on Grass
4 - Pittsburgh - Torry Hallelujah - The KL Crew
5 - Stephen Gostkowski - Cousin Bowser - Lehman Brothers
6 - Adam Vinatieri - Michael J. Cox - Luv2LikBalz@Jack.com
7 - Josh Brown - Mr. T - The A-Team
8 - Rob Bironas - Steve Stevens - 2Girls1Cup
9 - Tarvaris Jackson - Marble Ryan - Wo Ai Beijing
10 - Mason Crosby - Bruno - McCord Blows
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Lafayette Gold

Owner: Lafayette Gold
Team: Basketball on Grass

Two things matter to Lafayette Gold, Fantasy Football and his sailboat. Thankfully, the weather isn't nice enough for sailing in the Northeast during the Fall, so Lafayette can focus on his true love. Using a similar strategy as he would use on the open water, he attacks the market to find the best situations. Previously, too many things have come in between Lafayette and victory - the Hunter Mountain incident of '03, the sickness of his iguana Zippy, and most recently a failed excursion to Myanmar in hopes of finding a soul mate. Does the competition know what they're in for? Lafayette Gold promises to show his opponents what it's like to take on the Full Metal Alchemist.
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Mr. T

Owner: Mr. T
Team: The A-Team
Championships: 2007

Mr. T. pities the fool that disrespects his fantasy football knowledge. When he's not working as a groundskeeper at Keyspan Park, he dominates fantasy leagues and has been since the age of 11. The defending league champion went from worst to first last year and has plans of a repeat. His wide network of information usually provides him with everything he needs to know about player news, injuries, depth charts, and grilled cheese sandwiches. His favorite player is Champ Bailey because he's known to dominate the flag football field like he does the Fantasy Draft Room. He has no problem taking your lunch money.
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Marble Ryan

Owner: Marble Ryan
Team: Wo Ai Bejing

It’s quite simple: Marble Ryan is a Fantasy Football visionary, the pre-eminent mind of his generation. Mistakes at critical junctures during each of the last two seasons, brought about largely by excessive consumption of fatty foods and sleep deprivation, have led to consecutive first-round playoff exits. However, in pure football theory Marble is unmatched, and it is only a matter of time until Man and Trophy are finally brought together by the destiny that binds them. Marble’s day job as a grocery store manager holds no bearing on his life, and his personal relationships are of little consequence. His mind is focused on one thing and one thing only: dominating the 9 numb-nuts that stand between him and the pot of gold at the end of the 2008 Fantasy Football season.
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The KL Crew

QB - Ben Roethlisberger
QB - Jake Delhomme
QB - Gus Ferotte
QB - Matt Cassel
WR - Plaxico Burress
WR - Jerricho Cotchery
WR - Roddy White
WR - Brandon Marshall
RB - Brian Westbrook
RB - Ryan Grant
RB - Ronnie Brown
RB - Chris Johnson
RB - Mewelde Moore
TE - Dustin Keller
K - David Akers
DEF - Tampa Bay

League starting roster requirements: 2 QB, 3 WR, 2 RB, 1 TE, 1 W/R, 1 K, 1 D
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The Chefs 2.0

QB - Jay Cutler
QB - Aaron Rodgers
WR - Braylon Edwards
WR - Chad Johnson
WR - Anquan Boldin
WR - Donald Driver
WR - Donnie Avery
RB - LaDanian Tomlinson
RB - Maurice Jones-Drew
RB - Matt Forte
RB - Ray Rice
RB - Justin Fargas
RB - Carnell Williams
TE - Owen Daniels
K - John Kasay
DEF - Minnesota
DEF - Philadelphia

League starting roster requirements: 2 QB, 3 WR, 2 RB, 1 TE, 1 W/R, 1 K, 1 D
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2Girls1Cup

QB - Drew Brees
QB - Matt Ryan
QB - Marc Bulger
WR - Andre Johnson
WR - Calvin Johnson
WR - Vincent Jackson
WR - Desean Jackson
RB - Brandon Jacobs
RB - Deangelo Williams
RB - Fred Taylor
RB - Jonathan Stewart
RB - Selvin Young
RB - Julius Jones
TE - Kellen Winslow
TE - Vernon Davis
K - Stephen Gostkowski
DEF - Green Bay

League starting roster requirements: 2 QB, 3 WR, 2 RB, 1 TE, 1 W/R, 1 K, 1 D
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Wo Ai Beijing

QB - Peyton Manning
QB - Tony Romo
QB - Sage Rosenfels
WR - Larry Fitzgerald
WR - Greg Jennings
WR - Eddie Royal
RB - Marshawn Lynch
RB - Sammy Morris
RB - Kevin Smith
RB - Deuce McAllister
RB - Pierre Thomas
RB - Jerious Norwood
RB - Fred Jackson
RB - Cedric Benson
TE - Chris Cooley
K - Rob Bironas
DEF - New York Giants

League starting roster requirements: 2 QB, 3 WR, 2 RB, 1 TE, 1 W/R, 1 K, 1 D
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Basketball on Grass

QB - Matt Hasselbeck
QB - Eli Manning
QB - Kerry Collins
WR - Reggie Wayne
WR - Santana Moss
WR - Amani Toomer
WR - Antonio Bryant
WR - Lance Moore
WR - Anthony Gonzalez
RB - Joseph Addai
RB - Reggie Bush
RB - Leon Washington
RB - Dominic Rhodes
RB - Kevin Faulk
TE - Heath Miller
K - Robbie Gould
DEF - Baltimore

League starting roster requirements: 2 QB, 3 WR, 2 RB, 1 TE, 1 W/R, 1 K, 1 D
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Luv2LikBalz@jack.com

QB - Derek Anderson
QB - Kurt Warner
QB - Joe Flacco
WR - Marvin Harrison
WR - Dwayne Bowe
WR - Kevin Walter
WR - Kevin Curtis
WR - Bernard Berrian
RB - Larry Johnson
RB - Jamal Lewis
RB - Michael Turner
RB - BenJarvus Green-Ellis
RB - Ricky Williams
TE - Antonio Gates
TE - Bo Scaife
K - Josh Scobee
DEF - Arizona

League starting roster requirements: 2 QB, 3 WR, 2 RB, 1 TE, 1 W/R, 1 K, 1 D
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McCord Blows

QB - Tyler Thigpen
QB - Phillip Rivers
QB - Rex Grossman
QB - Matt Schaub
WR - T.J. Houshmandzadeh
WR - Larry Fitzgerald
WR - Laverneus Coles
WR - Isaac Bruce
WR - Muhsin Muhammad
RB - Frank Gore
RB - Willis McGahee
RB - Edgerrin James
RB - Derrick Ward
TE - Dallas Clark
TE - Jeremy Shockey
K - Matt Bryant
DEF - Pittsburgh

League starting roster requirements: 2 QB, 3 WR, 2 RB, 1 TE, 1 W/R, 1 K, 1 D
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Cousin Bowser

QB - Donovan McNabb
QB - Shaun Hill
QB - Jason Campbell
WR - Terrell Owens
WR - Torry Holt
WR - Chris Chmabers
WR - Derrick Mason
WR - Bobby Engram
WR - Tedd Ginn Jr.
RB - Steven Jackson
RB - Steve Slaton
RB - Tim Hightower
RB - Warrick Dunn
RB - JJ Arrington
TE - Tony Gonzalez
K - Jeff Reed
DEF - Tennessee

League starting roster requirements: 2 QB, 3 WR, 2 RB, 1 TE, 1 W/R, 1 K, 1 D
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Full Retard

QB - Kyle Orton
QB - Trent Edwards
QB - Jeff Garcia
QB - Brady Quinn
WR - Steve Smith
WR - Wes Welker
WR - Hines Ward
WR - Steve Breaston
WR - Devery Henderson
RB - Adrian Peterson
RB - Willie Parker
RB - Lendale White
RB - Chester Taylor
RB - Felix Jones
TE - Kevin Boss
K - Ryan Longwell
DEF - Chiacgo

League starting roster requirements: 2 QB, 3 WR, 2 RB, 1 TE, 1 W/R, 1 K, 1 D
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The A-Team

QB - Brett Favre
QB - David Garrard
QB - Chad Pennington
WR - Marques Colston
WR - Roy Williams
WR - Lee Evans
WR - Santonio Holmes
WR - Justin Gage
RB - Clinton Portis
RB - Marion Barber
RB - Thomas Jones
RB - Darren McFadden
RB - Peyton Hillis
RB - Correll Buckhalter
TE - Tony Gonzalez
K - Matt Prater
DEF - Carolina

League starting roster requirements: 2 QB, 3 WR, 2 RB, 1 TE, 1 W/R, 1 K, 1 D
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Rox Hoover

Rox is the beloved daughter of Roc Hoover, famous Springfield detective and author of the best seller “Repeat Offender.” Indecisive as parents, Mr. and Mrs. Hoover held off on naming their daughter, referring to her only as “Baby”. That all changed with a fortuitous family vacation to Sweden in 1984 and a runaway stroller that was bravely shielded from oncoming traffic by an aspiring pop duo. From that day forward Baby Hoover was known as Roxette. Though a buxom blonde with girly tendencies, it was inevitable that Rox would wind up taking an “if you can’t join em, beat em” attitude towards sports due to a crew of beer guzzling guy friends. A mercenary without overwhelming loyalty to any team, Fantasy became Rox’s main game. Commish for the second year of her chicks-only Powder Puff Fantasy Football League, this year she's also looking forward to making a little sense among these clown shoes at RexGrossmanIsOurQuarterback.com. Her two goals for the 2008 Fantasy Season are: 1) Not have some chick in the league leave Randy Moss stranded on the bench for 5 games and 2) To find Matthew Berry and kick him in the shins. There ain’t no messin’ with the Hoov.
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About RexGrossmanIsOurQuarterback.com

You’ve spent weeks preparing for your draft. You’ve studied cheat sheets, scanned the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel and the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette looking for local coverage, and even placed a few late night calls to Dr. James Andrews to check up on Ronnie Brown’s knee. You’ve drafted RBs in rounds one and two and taken the best available WR in round three. Your TE catches balls from Tony Romo. But just when you’re feeling good about yourself, just when you think this might be the year you win the trophy, you take a look down your draft sheet and you notice one thing:

Rex Grossman is your quarterback. Your season’s over. He’s not even starting anymore!

So what do you do? Check the waiver wire compulsively, hoping to capitalize on someone else’s poor roster decision? Camp out near Matthew Berry’s house and wait for him to give you a tip just so you’ll get off his lawn?

Well, you could…or you could come here and commiserate with us. Who are we? Just ten guys competing in a two-QB league, trying to compensate for the considerable shortcomings in our lives by winning a fantasy championship.

You’ll find some insight here, sure, but mostly you’ll find us bitching about Donovan McNabb’s health, Willie Parker’s inability to cross the goal line, or Mike Shanahan’s inability to just play one goddamned RB. We’ll gloat when we win and laugh when someone else’s QB goes down. Basically, we’ll be just like you.
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The Slow Eater

Owner: The Slow Eater
Team: The Chefs 2.0

After an intense 118 hours of labor, Virginia "Ginny" Tripp knew that she had given birth to a very special child. All of the doctors and nurses in the maternity ward could not help but remark at the laggard pace at which the child suckled his mother's breast, taking hours to finish a feeding. The child, who would later become known as the Slow Eater, did not have an easy childhood, however. It took him eight years to finish high school, as his langorous dining habits made finishing his lunch by the end of the period impossible and caused him to miss all of his afternoon classes. Dating was also a tricky proposition for the Slow Eater. Though girls often found his unassuming sense of humor charming, they were put off by having to sit at a diner until the early morning hours while he would methodically work through a hamburger and fries.

Slowly but surely, the Slow Eater learned to embrace his unique set of talents and emerged from his trying adolescence with a commendable sense of self-confidence. He set a Kansas City record in 2004 when it took him two and a half weeks to finish a plate of beef brisket. In the world of fantasy football, however, the Slow Eater is known for his rapid-fire roster moves. The Slow Eater signed and cut Cleo Lemon 12 times during Week 10 of the 2007-2008 season. While the league trophy has continued to elude him, many feel that this will be the year the Slow Eater captures the gold. He has tentatively scheduled his post-season banquet from January 24th to March 17th, 2009.
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Steve Stevens

Owner: Steve Stevens
Team: 2Girls1Cup

Steve Stevens is the founder and CEO of CaneSport.com, a well-known Miami Hurricanes fan site regarded for its fair and balanced coverage of college sports. He is also president of the New York City Chapter of the University of Miami Alumni Association. With a membership of three, this chapter is often cited as one of the nation's strongest.

Steve enrolled at the University of Miami after receiving an Associate's degree in General Studies from Broward Community College and quickly became one of Hurricane Nation's most rabid supporters. He recently settled a civil suit with Yahoo Sports in which he accused Yahoo of discriminating against fans of "the U" for not allowing him to start Jeremy Shockey at every position on his fantasy team, including kicker and defense. Though the terms of the settlement remain undisclosed, it was rumored to have involved a lifetime subscription to Out Magazine.

Steve cites Keith Olbermann and Gene "Dot Com" Williams as powerful role models who have helped shape his life and career. He splits his time between homes in Staten Island, NY and Riviera Beach, FL.
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Glossary

The Lig: n, Interchangable for the NFL or the RGIOQB Fantasy League. Transliteration of the now endangered Rust Belt oral tradition, spoken by so many of football's heroes and foils througout the ages, and also by semi-retarded TV commentators.

Hangin' from a strang: v, to be in danger of missing the playoffs. Coined by Eddie Kennison in a largely forgotten rant against Denver head coah Mike Shannahan, who referred to Kennison's Chiefs as "11-1 frauds".

Slim at the Waist: n, the nickname of Denver RB Selvin Young. When NFL scouts arrived in Austin to evaluate Young, the first thing they noticed was his prefectly formed physique, with broad shoulders tapering to a narrow, tight waist. Interestingly, many scouts rejected his viability as an NFL performer on sight, insisting that he lacked the center of gravity to break tackles at the highest levels. One year into his career, the jury's still out on his effectiveness as an RB, but one thing is for sure: the man looks damn good in a uniform.

Size in your face: n, An exhibition of superiority in any context, be it physical, inellectual, or other. E.g. David Tyree's famouns "helmet catch" in Super Bowl XLII was straight size in your face. Danial Day-Lewis's performance in My Left Foot: some serious size in your face. The Houston 500...you get the idea.

Dunk from the foul line: v, verb form of "Size in your face".
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Black Irish

Owner: Black Irish
Team: Full Retard

A ward of the state of Massachusetts until the age of 18, Black Irish spent most of the 1990s as a college football scout, patrolling high school practice fields all over the Great Lakes region in the hopes of finding the next Ron Powlus. As a result of spending many nights alone in sour-smelling motel rooms, Black Irish developed a fondness for grain alcohol, what he describes as "chat lines," and the comedy of Lenny Bruce.

Sometime in the spring of 1997, Black Irish woke up on the floor of a pub inside Penn Station in midtown Manhattan. He has not left since, preferring the comfort of his barstool and shots of Jameson to anything that the outside world has to offer him. He makes a living challenging tourists to Golden Tee contests; the only sunlight he receives comes from the faint glow given off by the machine's screen. He speaks to his mother daily from the payphone next to the jukebox.
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Michael J. Cox

Owner: Michael J. Cox
Team: Luv2LikBalz@jack.com

Michael J. Cox is a former pornographic actor. Having commenced his career in adult entertainment around the age of 24, Cox starred in over 600 films, later trying his hand at directing. Cox's stage name was a play on Michael J. Fox, the mainstream Canadian-American actor whose boyish, preppy persona he shared.

In addition to his work in both all-sex and scripted adult film, Cox appeared as himself in the 1999 industry tell-all documentary Sex: The Annabel Chong Story. In it, Cox criticizes Chong's world record of having onscreen sex 251 times with 70 men in 10 hours as "giving porn a bad name."
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Bruno

Owner: Bruno

Team: McCord Blows

Bruno is unabashedly homosexual voice of Austrian youth TV. At home in the world of air kisses and air heads with his 'faux hawk' and g string, Bruno trumps the most vacuous, sycophantic and intellectually redundant fashionistas with his inanity and superciliousness. Patrolling the catwalks and after show parties of New York Fashion week and taking the fashion pulse of America, Bruno seeks out his prey like as if it was a bargain at a Barney's sale.

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Torry Hallelujah

Owner: Torry Hallelujah
Team: The KL Crew

The son of a preacher, Torry Hallelujah spent most of his childhood riding around the Ozarks in the back of a Ford F-150 with his three brothers, driving from town to town watching their father deliver sweat-drenched sermons to apoplectic townsfolk. After services ended, it was not uncommon for the boys to stumble upon their father bedding an overeager school marm in the bed of the truck. To pass the time, the boys simulated an entire 12-team fantasy football league, scribbling the results on the backs of church hymnals. An intense argument over the merits of switching to a two-quarterback league fractured the brothers' relationship, however, and Hallelujah, frustrated with his brothers' lack of vision and creativity, set off west by himself.

After his own career as a preacher proved short-lived—his sermon "Finding Salvation: Priest Holmes and the 2002-2003 NFL Season" did not win him many fans in the Methodist churchgoing community—Hallelujah hitchhiked to Los Angeles, where he now leads an instructional seminar for celebrities on fantasy football. His clients include Andy Dick, Patricia Clarkson, and the guy who played Wilson on the TV series Home Improvement. Late at night Hallelujah can be found sitting on his back porch, drinking a beer as he thinks about his father and brothers, still on their mad, Christ-driven journey around Texarkana. They have yet to reconcile.
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Cousin Bowser

Owner: Cousin Bowser
Team: Cousin Bowser

Cousin Bowser arrived in the U.S. in 1984 as a young, portly boy with a thick Italian accent. He was spotted roaming the streets of lower Manhattan by a wealthy prospector and self-styled fitness guru named Branford Kunkefeller III, who convinced the lad to give up the pasta and marinara sauce for a steady diet of meatballs, sausage casing and carbonated olive oil, turning him into a true Italian strongman. The two had a falling out over the carb content of a cannoli; they haven't spoken since.

After a middling career in mixed martial arts, Cousin Bowser earned an MBA from Waynesboro State University (Online). Currently unemployed, he spends his days posting deals on the popular bargain-hunting site www.slickdeals.net. His most recent find, a Dell Inspiron notebook for $3 after rebate when purchased with a 16 oz. package of beef jerky and the complete Mama's Family DVD set, was designated by site user Selma as "front page for sure."
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